Dear Alex…

Dear Alex,

Your 20 and life seems to have been slightly rough for you so far being forgotten about by friends, and you took the direction of starting to work and focus on being a manager! You have worked hard the past few years and thought they were hard but, you are now 20 and sadly the next 11 years are going to be just as hard if not harder.

Before you turn 21 you will have the moment your life will change forever, your father is going to be involved in a life changing accident and he will no longer be the same as he will be in a wheel chair. The night of change will be a night of remembrance and many members of the outlawed family will accuse you of the accident that wasn’t your fault and you need to learn to accept that. You didn’t provide dad with any of the alcohol nor did you tell him to walk up those stairs. You will have to move him and you will have to decide which will seem hard and but it’s a life or death call. When you make decision to move him its ok his neck is already broken before you even touch him. It isn’t your fault, you don’t have to put a brave face on and try to carry on or feel guilty you can take time out and be there for your family and yourself.

You will a have to live with dad’s decisions if he wants to trust people you don’t agree with all you can do it try to protect him and support him and make sure he isn’t taken advantage of. The outlawed family will act as if they have not been hidden for the past 20 years of your life. You are 20 not 50, dad wants you to live and accept you didn’t do anything wrong. You have your life to lead and you can be there for your dad and your mum and still try to live! The world now knows your secret that you tried to hide from the world of being gay. Ignore the outlaws as they will hover like vultures and act as if they have always been there. You know differently, they will disappear when they see dad isn’t going to get better and they can’t have anything that is dads as it is yours and it’s all tied up in the estate. Now this is where the seeds of depression will be planted as you will have that fear of stairs and you will struggle to start with to overcome them but you will overcome it. Also, you will relieve that fateful night over and over in your mind and you need to stop it and let it go. It was a horrible accident and you had no control over it.

When you have turned 21 you will celebrate it won’t be the big birthday that you may have wanted but you will be with a small number of people that you laugh and enjoy yourself at the school disco in Hammersmith, others missed out as it was a great night. You got many kisses mainly from odd people but a few nice men too. Few weeks after you do this you will have an interview with the psychologist with dad next to you. Do not listen to them or be pulled into the room as you will be left on your own the psychologist will be focusing on dad not you! This will continue to plant the seed of depression and you need to be strong and accept sometimes it is best people not knowing the full story and dad is one of them. When you are struggling you need to talk to people they aren’t bad some of them are there to support you and will listen if you let them in.

Later in the year you will be faced with another hard hurdle when aunty passes on, close to her birthday and the night before you will be with family, the 4 of you will be in the garden united as the final 4 and you will be together. You will pull through this and will tell work how you feel and be in control you will lose the thorn in your side not long after. Also, you will make work aware you will take time off for your family as it is you family. You will see more change later in the year when you move to a new home, you will see dad in a wheelchair and see him in a care home, and you will have to hold yourself together. When work tells you that you can’t take the time off for your aunt’s funeral, you decided to make the change and find a new job which will be terrifying and completely different to what you are used to but you will grow to love the job and sell more than a pair of shoes! You need to keep your confidence as you know how to work with customers and you know how to get the best out of people you just need to keep you cool and take it on the chin.

With all this change and missing the people you have to talk to people when you need them as they won’t know what is going on in your head if you don’t tell them. Same time you need to make friends with people and stop holding it in. you will make friends with people who are completely idiots and don’t deserve you as a friend. That is normal and they will soon show their true colours. You don’t need to accept their poor choices as your own. Be your age and live your life Alex as no one else will live it for you, and you don’t need to be a keyboard warrior or live your life through other people instead you have to live it for you.

For the next few years you will feel isolated and alone but as I said above you need to move beyond your circle of friends and make a new path that is focused on you instead of focusing on everyone else. Also, you have had a bad deck of cards dealt as you keep saying “it’s better it happened to you rather then one of your friends” well you don’t deserve it and nor should you feel it’s better for you. Instead it just happens and you have been strong so far and have had to pull through a lot this has made you a better person. Many will have crumbled and cracked before now, keep your head held high and keep it high. You will be forgotten about by people but that is a choice they have made and yes some of their choices will be immature and you will not know what to do with yourself at the time but you will get through this.  Don’t let your mind dictate who or what you want to do, you can do anything you want when you put your mind to it and be the person you want to be.

When you turn 27 you will have a very big shock and a biggest change you have ever faced in life. Dad will finally be at peace and he will make the decision to be at peace. This will be devastating and he will pass on his birthday. You will be there and you will have to keep strong as you will have to deal with the outlaws and put them in their place a lot as you will lose your father and that is the most important part, they are losing one of their own who they share some DNA with but they won’t have the memories you have with your dad or learning how to say, “yellow yolk” they won’t know this and you will. The cousin who is jealous of you will be there and say she is losing her uncle and make you feel bad for not always being there for dad but he admitted he wanted you to live! And he said this in front of them all that he wasn’t always there for you, this is a big thing as you have never heard him admit his mistakes like this or that he is proud of you. Spend the time with your dad and the rest of them will have to disappear. You will go through the argument with them as they are jealous of your relationship with him, as they will be guilty of where they have been for the years and they will never admit this to anyone.

Your friend won’t know what to say or how to act with you as they don’t know what has been going on and you need to make sure you make time for them. Don’t keep being a lone wolf and suffer in silence. For many months, you will fight with the outlaws and there will be a point you will slowly start to live. You will have a fantastic holiday to Murcia with 3 great people. Work will be supportive about taking time away and coming back into the business, you will slowly start to build the confidence to make new friends and start a new life as you want it and attend your first big gay event such as Manchester Pride and you will also get the confidence to go to Edinburgh to attend Bearscots. You will go to both events and you will have a great time and you will even leave one of the events with a boyfriend which you didn’t anticipate ever happening.

You will be happy for a while and you will be confident and make some big changes over the years with a career change and move from where you call home of London. You are with him and eventually you will have to let him go the sooner you do the better as he will hurt you and not make priorities you before his ex and you will always play second fiddle, he will mess with your mind and make you feel inferior because he forgets how important you are.

When you make the cut, you will go into a spiral and start to live your new life and lose the confidence and start to encounter the worst depression as it will have all mounted up to implode in your mind. Throughout you will have some people playing games with your mind manipulating you and you will find someone who has helped to make you feel human for a brief period. You will find you finally snap and your mind will implode, you will take the time you need to regroup and rebuild your mind. You will regroup and settle into your new environment with a new home that you can call your own. You need to reject the negativity and remove all the toxic people from your life they don’t belong in your life.

As you grow and mature and find your safe space in your mind, then you will encounter more difficult challenges over the year you must pick who you want to be associated with and if you want to be involved in the challenges. You can take a step away when you need from some people if you do not agree with people’s morals or past decisions. Remember you know the difference between right and wrong and those who stand with you. You also must move on and accept somethings may never happen its life and you have proven over 11 years with all the fight and battles you have had you deserve to be happy and find that person who deserves you.

You have to let people into your life and you need to be honest with others and make them aware of how you feel. The person you might wish to be with may not actually be the right person for you. Don’t wait for Mr right now wait for Mr Right and enjoy yourself in the now. You deserve it, and you need to accept it as well. You are stronger then you will ever believe.

Love

ME.

X

 

 

 

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Hurricane

11 years ago, I began this fight that I never knew what it would become a life changing fight that would alter everything I do and who I am. I grew up alone, I was a victim of being bullied for being me, I was the fat kid.

This battle that takes control and bigger than I am or the ever can be. the disease is described as “the Big Black Dog” it starts off as a little fluff ball of doubt smaller than a grain of rice then it grows like a puppy until it’s a fully-grown dog that can grow to full size with a bat of an eyelid, but won’t shrink or disappear as quick instead it lurks in the darkness or rolls over for its belly to be scratched thinking you have beaten the incurable illness.

The hardest part of the battle I found that the lapses are manageable but the relapse I have been fighting off for the past few weeks trying to see a hint of light through the cloud and just not being able to find the break in the cloud instead I have had thunder and lightning flying in my head. As a hurricane causing a barrier between me and the outside world and I am caught in the eye of the hurricane. The eye of the hurricane the most dangerous part of the entire event, nothing can get in and it you feel the calmness within until suddenly you see a car flying past before your own eyes. With every spiral, it gets more issues added to it making it a bigger and unmanageable or uncontrollable.

My latest black dog has yet to be given a name as it is a newer dog, and part of me feels it should only be called the one thing that flows through my mind now of “hurricane” currently my lounge feels incredibly small when in the face my lounge is spacious. Space has been taken up by a very large black dog with a paw on my chest trying to keep me down and to stop me typing and clear my thoughts. The fear for the hurricane is simple when he is smaller and just big enough to fit back in Pandora box. Yes, I said it in the pretense that I will defeat this illness.

So, what brought this on, as you may or may not have read I have fallen for someone who won’t reciprocate the same feelings. I have had a lot of work pressure recently with new job role and some poor choices of my own, not listening to my mind and saying “STOP”.  I should say this is keep saying yes and volunteering which I need to stop doing and say NO. 

On my way into work for a few days I already figured out how to end my own life, but I fought the voices back and told them no. One of the days my will was quite low and weak and felt it just take one step and it is over with. I did take that one step, backward away from the danger. I have also been experiencing nightmares of losing my mum which makes me cry every time I think of this nightmare. Friends who I don’t notice I am slipping into this spinning fortress of pain as they see the outside I appear fine and I say I am fine but I’m not I am hiding away the problems as I know people are having their own battles. This is something I should have learned previously as it was a big factor in my last breakdown.  Also, not being noticed people can see through me as I stand in a room and just look right through me as if I don’t exist, probably because they can see I am uncomfortable and have no confidence to say “hi”. Some of my friends are popular and have bags full of confidence and never let the mask slip and the exude confidence by the gallon and there is me who just doesn’t have an ounce of confidence to speak. Instead, I slip away into the shadows away from the eyes. It’s same with apps people don’t notice me as I have morals and ethics and I appear nice or too nice.

Most the trigger points anyone can go through it is common for people with a mental health illness to go through several triggers that create a bigger chain and a bigger event that you could never predict.

I am embarrassed with myself for letting this reoccur when I knew what the warning signs were and the trigger points were being reached and I didn’t listen to my own mind, but the Hurricane as I write this no longer has his paw on my chest trying to stop me instead it has given me back my sofa and breathing has got a little easier.

With embarrassment, it also gives me the encouragement to embrace the illness same as before and take control of Hurricane but also the trigger points. I have been to see my doctor and have begun another course of medication but also restarting counseling and other wellbeing support apps that are available on different platforms. Yes, I am fighting and yes, I going to put all the lessons I learned before but this time get them reinforced. My blog helped me last time as I got a lot out of my mind and onto virtual paper which the hurricane that is ongoing in my head throws the paper out of my hands and into the world to see. I won’t deny this blog could go dark and twisted but it can also show light and hope and peace of mind in some way. I must do this for me which last time I did but it was more for helping that one in four people who face mental health issues. This time I am ONE and I am fighting out of this illness.

 

 

 

 

Puddle

When you were a child and you saw, a puddle would you jump into the puddles in your wellingtons getting a little splash and getting a surprise if the puddle was a bit deeper than you expected. A bit like the on the vicar Dibley where Geraldine jumps into a puddle smiling and so in love with here on screen boyfriend but the surprise of the puddle wasn’t shallow it was very deep and she goes as low as she can.

 

The lowest points in life are when you are seen just by the outside persona and not the person you really are. Sometimes life will give you lemons and you have choices of making lemonade or squeezing the lemons onto pancakes. This can happen when everything has been going well for so long and then suddenly you walk into a wall which you weren’t expected to see and you trigger a course of events and feel like the world is against you. When you look around and you can see the path of destruction that the world is smiling with everything that is going well for them and you look at yourself and there is nothing but destruction mess and chaos. Sometimes the chaos could be dangerous or unsafe when you are facing problems with hearing voices, and they come over with all the emotions and the un-surety of where to turn when they can’t see anyone nearby who will stand with them.

The deeper the puddle becomes and the harder it becomes to pull themselves out of the puddle as the muddy walls have started to collapse and trapping your feet so they, struggle to claw around at the grass nearby to keep your head above the puddle’s surface. Slowly being dragged under the surface of the murky water feeling the pull from the silo of mud pulling you under the fight to keep yourself above the water becoming harder and harder slowly losing sight of the sun above as you are going further below the surface of the puddle. The hope that someone will see you have bene pulled under and they will put them arm in to save you from drowning in the chaos that is happening. For some people, this will never happen and no one will be there to save them from being dragged under the watery surface. Whilst others may get saved and find the ability to breathe and escape the watery grave that will end the chaos in their mind but not the chaos around them.

Each time I write I give a part of myself closure that a scar has been opened and are now closing and slowly being put to rest. The emotion that can close the suffering and the pain of what has happened in the past and the way some people have hurt me and how I have hurt myself and let my emotions become controlling and how the control my life and emotions.

I am currently going through the similar feeling of Geraldine except I didn’t have someone who I have been in a relationship with. Instead of I have emotions for someone who doesn’t notice how I feel or how much they mean to me. While they begin to start seeing the world with the variety of colours and I am slowly losing the colours in the world and they are becoming darker and harder to see the vibrancy of the colours in the world. the reason I have fallen this hard is because they saw me for me, a human being and that I have a kind heart that I wear on my sleeve, being cheeky and a nice person, who believes in being a good person and hope that being nice and good will bring good things to them and others.

The reality is being a nice person doesn’t mean you get the rewards you feel you deserve, doesn’t happen sometimes you must work and work and work until there is no way of finding that goal it might not happen the way you want. I have 2 simple goals in life

  1. My family and friends are happy and they don’t have to experience any pain or suffering.
  2. That I will find someone who will love me for me, not as a piece of meat, but as a human being who believes in ethics and has a moral compass I know what is right and what is wrong.

I don’t ask for much I am not asking for personal gain with money or materialistic possessions. I want to find that person who loves me for me including all my quirks and not as an object. I am currently deep in this puddle that is life and that the puddle is pulling me under with the mud and clay and struggling to breathe a find who I was this time two weeks ago. Momentarily finding the odd spark that brings back small bits of my identity but then it goes fast enough.

I just wish the person I liked would see how it hurts and how I wish it would have been a different story. I also want my friend to be happy and that’s the ultimate thing. I have slowly started to lose any hope of happiness for myself and can hope for the future for my friends and family.

 

Mountains

We breathe, we bleed, we cry and we fall, but we all rise.

I am standing on the brink of destruction at the top of the mountain that I have built every single day. Slowly and steadily taking each step carefully, with the odd cliff created along the way built with a path for me to walk. The path’s near the cliff are blocked by big boulders blocking the road as I walk along stopping me from encountering them again.

The biggest boulder blocking the road where I should not go. This blocks the hardest and darkest part of my life and where there are the loudest voices. Reinforced with many stones and sticks preventing me from getting access to the road I should avoid. The biggest cliff is nearest the top of the mountain with the biggest drop just below the peak. As I have built this mountain I have invited people along on this journey and some have joined me on the road to the top of the mountain and some have come along on journey but have tailed off on their own path on their own journey.

While I carry on working on myself I get lost and begin to question if I have made the right decisions with everything I have gone through should I be me when I never appear to win or get that lucky break to find happiness along this very long journey. I look at what I could have had if I wasn’t this person, as being me doesn’t mean I get the happy ending. I have worked and had to fight through the darkness for years and all I want is the happy ending with someone special who treats me the right way instead of being beaten down into submission. There is a person I have loved for years and hoped one day I might get that chance with that person as they were the first people to treat me like a human being when I had ended my past incidents.

While I have had many happy memories I still have the sad unhappy memories which I have a boulder on trying to shield away from the pain that I have caused and have also suffered. They go back to the point of my breakdown and a night my world imploded all around and I ended up alone very much alone. The night was meant to be exciting and joyful as it was pride. The Parade has happened and the day was tainted with a cloud that was flooding in fast and dark and heavier.  Influences and voices coming in from all sides and being made to feel like the unwanted gooseberry was so much to take. I ended up being alone walking through a town at midnight crying my eyes out wanting and willing it to all stop from the voices to the emotions of hurting and not being here anymore. Crying out for help with people who I knew would be there and help me through in some way. I was unable to drive away and escape the chaos due to having alcohol in my system and knowing I wanted to end all of this was all I wanted but not to take others with me. Receiving text messages of what would be the worst situation for me to walk back into to make me feel like I have no control and no escape. I wasn’t wanted and so begun the mountain and the first cliff I had to avoid. The following morning, I had to encounter trying to pull through as I survived the night that the voices didn’t get me. Instead, I was crying most the night and feeling lost and damaged. The dreams I had once had smashed and no longer a dream more a nightmare had happened I was losing control of my mind and my body was telling me to RUN keep running don’t look back and run to the nearest of escape point that I could end the pain I was suffering. I ran and ran and had the odd message and I got to a point where I stopped running and looked at the messages through the tears. The tears burned with animosity and isolation how I deserved to feel this way and deserved to be alone. There was no one with me or around I went against the voices telling me to keep running I made a cry for help and someone came they came. I was in no fit state to do much where I was standing I noticed a broken glass bottle and the voices picked up on this that I went against the voice and there was an escape was messier then it had planned for me. I was no longer in control the voices was controlling me. Once my cry for help arrived we walked I stumbled and mumbled what was going on. The voices were telling me to stop and I was mumbling and going against every time it said STOP.

My realization, that my dreams were most definitely over having finally lost every single part of me my fight with myself was now changing into a different fight. For many months, I went to friends I could escape from being at home so I could focus on a way to survive with the loss of someone I loved so much it hurt. There were days all I wanted to do was the message and go back to how it was before the walls and world broke. All I wanted to be held and told it to be ok and I wasn’t this damaged a mess that someone would love me and I could find happiness which was and still feels impossible after everything the past 2 years. for the time, I was focusing on me and the being away from the real world of social media and the normal conversations of work and life beyond a condition that had become a major part of my life. The fear of being judged for being ill or taking time out because the invisible illness it was and still is a taboo that mental health illness is in some people eyes just something in your head when really there is nothing worth than being in your own head and trying to tell the thought so to go away and get back into Pandora box and to remain in there as you don’t know who opened the box or who has the key but it isn’t welcome to the conversation or the party.

The mountain is deep and the mountain is high and the peninsula of the mountain is a long and deep road and me still to this day doubt I will ever get to the top feeling I deserve love or happiness. My dreams have changed over the years and I have become more open to the idea of marriage and having someone I could love and say is my partner and it is recognized as equal to the all.

I had got to point where I have felt comfortable and have felt calm and the random parts of this mountain the water is still and peaceful my mind had become at ease. I began a relationship and I was nervous about it after my last relationship ended in mental torture where I was never good enough to be loved or treated the same as others. I wasn’t good enough to be treated as a partner instead I was the afterthought and never visited instead I was the mug that went through with this for years. This relationship affected me still how I never fully feel I am an equal or that I can ever be loved. I won’t go into much about my last relationship as I usually get a right to censor suddenly appear but it ended at Pride 2016 and has systematically made me more self-conscious than ever before as part of my heart have not only had a scar on it but the scar will never close. Same as my first relationship it has an open wound. The Mountain has encountered more broken bridges along the way and the cliff edges have become more unstable along the way. The lakes are no longer calm or at ease instead, they have turned into rapids with big spikes in.

Following both failed relationships which I won’t say was all on my past ex I have some responsibility to them failing as well as I allowed them to change and take control and allowed the behavior was my downfall. I have worked hard for me the past 11 months to find me. Ignored the voices and tried to find my happiness which I thought I might be a step closer to which I was very much wrong about. Instead, I ended up being more alone and more lost and hurting just the same as I did 2 years ago. Which more worry and fear than ever before in my body and soul that the voices were finally right I don’t deserve anything other than pain and loss and to feel this way. Sad to say the person I had always had hopes for to ask me out won’t ask me out for so many reasons they won’t partially they deserve better than someone like me. I am currently away and nothing changes, I sat here and write a blog and I thought I had finally been able to put an end to feeling like this. I sat and wrote why people don’t need me or want me,

·         Ugly

·         Fat

·         Unhappy

·         Crazy

·         Not important

·         Gullible

·         Abused

·         Freak

·         Disgusting

·         Not in the same league

·         Suicidal

·         Damaged

·         Stupid

·         Disappointment

·         Dead behind the eyes

·         Forgettable

·         Convenience

·         Weird

·         Bland

·         Beneath people

 

Some will say this is the voices and the disease taking control but these have been the emotions I have had for years about myself. I was the last pick for every school event, as I wasn’t the popular boy or was I really wanted around as much by my friends as they made new friends who were the popular kids and the ones everyone knew of. I was the one that hung around with outsiders and intelligent guys. I was a band geek who enjoyed being friends with people and I worked hard to achieve what I achieved in school. I had a lot of challenges within studying and achieving my goals. I still am working hard on improving myself. I never got the chance to date or any of the normal stuff kids get up to as I was forgotten about instead I was the joke to some people as I was the forgotten kid. No one would notice I was there unless they needed entertainment.  I brushed away the bullies and the comments of how I had double chins and wasn’t much more than a blob as kind hearted as kids can be they can be just cruel.

I walked up the mountain and in a way, I just seemingly kept walking around the same path and not climb the mountain to control my future. It has taken me 12 years of dealing with this disease and fight through and try to push through and get out of bed every single day. I have had to fight for everything I have now and how I am still standing is a small miracle as I have had to put so much of my heart soul and body on the line to get me through the darkest parts of my life. Some things no one should ever see like their father falling in hurting himself or being threatened with dirty needles or a knife.  I saw my dad take his final breath on the 22nd January 2012 at 00:54 I was the only person in the room. I sat in the funeral car with only one person praying this was only a dream that my dad wasn’t dead instead it was a horrible nightmare and the route I was taking wasn’t past my families homes of my departed aunt and uncle or nan and grandad. Filling the funeral car with my family that no longer walk this earth but walk above with my father joining them above helping him to recover from his accident and to walk again. To being out for a very late birthday meal to how being a child and how your dad would pick them up when they fell over I had lost my father 6 weeks before. Still devastated staying up every Saturday until the same time to say goodnight to my dad, I did this for a year missing my dad and my family.

Getting older my dreams changed and as I said about getting married I always believed I didn’t feel the need to get married as it’s a piece of paper but not only is it equality but it’s a bond between me and that other person that makes it special and growing up as an only child and it’s the question you always get asked would you want to have children, and honestly I would but I would want to adopt as we have so many children within child services who need a home and need the care they deserve. But alas it’s all a dream and right now I doubt I ever will get to achieve any of them. It’s just the way my set of cards were dealt and reshuffled again and again.

My mountain is hard to climb and fight through the darkest gloomiest parts of the mountain and avoid the cliff edges.  I know I can be hard work for my friends and my family as I have so many issues that people can only hear so many times.  Also, there are only so many times I can keep pulling myself through the hardest and darkest moments.

Poem of Convenience

The Convenience
by Unknown

Shhhh do you hear the noise? Sitting there in your big chair, can you hear the noise?

The noise of a tear drop from my cheek. The pin drop on the floor or each breath coming from your chest? Can you hear it? Can you feel it the emotion the run through every soul and person?

Listen to the weeping angels crying on the shoulders of those we have lost the tears that have been shed for those who no longer live here. Those that have passed on to a new home a new time and place.

Can you feel it the sensation on your skin as every hair tingles and your emotions are running sparking electricity through your body, the noise the sensation they running wild through?

Stand still and listen to the world pass by can you hear the tear drops can you hear my screams am I just the convenience that keeps coming back for more. The laughing the smiles are long gone the tears streaming down my face waiting for you to notice the voices no longer coming from my mouth but in my head taking over the day and life no longer the fun instead the screams waiting for the moment to ask Are you ok? The worlds colliding and taking over my being and soul I scream for it to stop and to leave but they continue to collide while you sit there unaware.

The keyboard warriors the socialites the ones that say I am there but cannot see what is happening or going on behind these hazel eyes.  The man of convenience sits and weeps while you party and dance. you don’t see the scars I have on my arms and body nor in my heart that has been destroyed day in and day out. You don’t see behind those rose-tinted spectacles. I will never be good enough for you to take them off so you can see the true me full of marks and scars. You will just carry on even if I disappear into the land. Hidden away from your eyes you will forget who I am or was and instead you will find a new convenience from the social world.

The land is waiting for a new body to take and feed off the bones of the last convenience for this earth. the soul has moved on beyond this realm and is in the newer plain awaiting my entry into beyond the pearly gates the hands of the lost awaiting to welcome the newest soul to their ranks. They no longer feel or have emotions they are beyond the living they are fearless and free. They don’t have the pain they once had in this realm we call NOW.

The defence of space, the word you say to protect yourself but not for anyone else to see if you got too close and touched the fire that has burnt your hand and your heart that you are scared to get close again. The voices and the murmurs ring around the corridors but you listen to their voices and words but not my own. You say you are a friend but you are like the rest, you never know what you have lost until they have left you alone, you begin your journey minus the convenience that was once there to hold your hand through thick and thin as convenience has the possibility of no longer being your convenience.

The soil is waiting for a future soul to welcome into its clasps you will never know what you once had until the convenience is no more.  your madness and my own will no longer be. This is time to leave you and the pain and suffering and listen for the tears.

Can you hear them fall….?

 

 

Full Circle

Well 2015 saw the beginning of the battle. Everywhere I looked there was leaves covering the path, making it impossible to find the route through the fog that slowly drifted in and was taking over my mind and my view. Looking around at what used to bring me joy and excitement was slowly crumbling within my own hands. Feeling each part of the puzzle become heavy and impossible to slot back together, the puzzle was no longer the same puzzle I had in 2014.

The beginning of the circle breaking up with my boyfriend at the end of 2014 ending a period which had been going on for too long and being let down slowly clouded judgement and decisions and accepting being made to feel inferior. My ex came along at a point in my life which is when I needed someone after losing my dad in 2012 on his birthday and grieving and trying to work my way through feeling insecure and unsure of who I am or wanted to be. I have been brought up to be kind, honest and to have manners. Some can see these qualities as weaknesses I see them as being who I am and want to be. It makes me strong and constantly reminds me of my upbringing. After splitting from him, ignoring my own mental health and seeing the fog from afar.

Through 2015 the battle continues and losing the qualities I possess that makes me tick and find the person I was losing. Seeing what half, the picture picking up on the situations and not dealing with them in the right way. Lashing out and making the situation worst or the person who was seeing it and wasn’t real. Some cases it would be the latter and some not so, I became the person who couldn’t be believed.  Posts on social media and comments and the now fully covered path of leaves and rocks no longer seeing where I was meant to be heading. Making the direction of travel impossible to remain on the rails, until the implosion of Pride ’15. The night my world and my soul, being and body could no longer cope or survive as that version of me. The fear and the darkness flooded every part of my body, I finally needed to stop and breath and find the light switch to find my way out of this spiral of destruction, the same spiral my father went through. Now trying to just remain standing and brush a few leaves away. From the moment 30th August 2015 was my lowest point atom find the strength to turn the key in the ignition of my car and drive away from Manchester for a night and trying to find some peace in my head, driving to my best friend’s home and we didn’t discuss what had happened or what was going on, I was left to just take a breath and find aa footing. The hardest part of the illness was making the call home to my mum telling her how low I had become and feeling a failure for being weak. Fear and darkness were part of me from that point on, for several weeks I had to stop and break the routine rarely home in Manchester but at friends and family’s homes keeping myself to myself and writing these blogs through my battles of the highest and lowest moments of depression.

Getting back to what a routine is meant to be, and returning to work, continuing with medication, the path slowly becoming clearer with leaves still across the path in places but slowly the wind blows them away. Friends becoming more available the more I was open about having an illness, no longer feeling isolated or alone. I felt a part of something that wasn’t just me in this fight but I had support. Throughout fighting the illness, I remember that I had to learn from this fight.  New Year’s Eve in 2015 was my first night out in Manchester since pride and my first time being out with others, my friends who are my support network.  Facing so much in 2015 was difficult and some part hurt and still do, it did teach me a lot.

2016 was the beginning of a new chapter and new milestones. Turning 30 and settling into a new life of being me. Being able to say no and distance myself from anything that didn’t make me smile.

Walking into fear and the possibility of bumping into fear at any point was terrifying at times, but then freeing myself of the fear. I began a relationship which wasn’t on the cards at all. The relationship had its moments of happiness and great darkness. As most relationships, they have ups and downs and they all have different directions, sadly the relationship didn’t work and there has been a lot of words and comments have been said and aits now time to put the whole situation to bed.

From these moments, it has developed my resiliency and drive and make me stand back on my own 2 feet, with friends who are now family. Each battle has to let the dust settle and the moments after the fight is when you can see the clear picture of what has happened. Overtime the dust completely clears and you can new parts of this ever-changing puzzle that you never noticed before a piece of part of the puzzle.

When you begin to fight through and deal with depression you slowly deal with recovery, and find challenges great and small. Throughout my 18 month when I started this recovery, I set myself some challenges to achieve was to be able to sit in a public space alone with strangers around me and being able to drink a coffee and to feel comfortable in my own skin. Something I have constantly felt uneasy about. Finally achieving I can sit in a room alone as I am never alone, I am supported by great people, I have an amazing family and some uniquely brilliant friends. In 2016 I, had as many lows and highs and the one of the greatest high’s I will always hold I no longer surviving I am a survivor! From that I challenge the walls and the fears a no longer run away unsure instead I stand my ground.

From this I’ve decided this will be the final blog for #IamONE as I am no longer the one alone, I have gone full circle being able to go out with people I would never dreamed of spending time with at New Years!  I survived Pride 16 when the world was looking like it would implode again it didn’t! being able to go back to Scotland and being at the event that brought me into the gay world, and become part of the community. The lows don’t need to be gone back over again, those who have been part of the lows my only wish is for you to find happiness and be at peace of the past and live in the now. I am free from those lows the sadness and the darkness, I hope you find that inner peace one day. Bearscots I started to say a mantra,

I am Kind

I am Strong

I deserve better

I am…ME

Thank you for reading this blog and being part of my journey I am no longer the person I was in 2015 or 2014! I am the newer me, not fully recovered and never will be cured but I will continue this fight with your helping hand.

My favourite quote I have, “Stumbling isn’t falling” I will never fall with all your kindness and support.

Thank you

I am finally FREE to be me.

Alex

Man behind the Mask!

I stand and I cry I feel I hurt. The words you hear from anyone who is suffering from a difficult situation. The time that you are going through and you are on the level that feels normal no longer in the deepest darkest parts of depression. You are in the grey the void, moving along calmly and confidently and ploughing through the issues and the problems that are being thrown are you.

Then it hits as if you have been plunged into an ice bath the cold icy water soaking into your clothes hairs on your arms and legs going into shock the body begins to shiver, the body shutting down and going into spasm and slowly the ice water consumes every part of your being, slowly becoming isolated and alone. No longer feeling the person you were when you were on the path has collapsed and the road is become slipped away into the ice.

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That path has taken a sudden turn and the rain is coming down harder than before. It is going through every piece of your clothes and draining the colour out of you. The once pink skin now tinged with grey, sorrow and becoming sore. The eyes hiding the reality of what is going on behind the mask that has been put up to the world. The mask is so good it can fool everyone and anyone including yourself pretending it is ok and the wounds you once had won’t reopen again as it is taking over the body and soul like a wave of dread. Nothing is hitting the mask of what is happening off of your face. Every step feels like walking in quick sand. Sucking in the soul turning your heart to stone. No longer being allowed to feel the softness the kindness is lost being absorbed into the ether. The heart turning and breaking into piece with every beat. The mask doesn’t apply to just the outside of the body, but the whole person.

“We understand how dangerous a mask can be. We all become what we pretend to be.” 
― 
Patrick Rothfuss

If you look at me do you see me as half a man or half a person because I have a mental health condition? Can you see the illness beyond the mask I wear hiding the scars and the wounds that no one can see until the mask is moved.  I stand behind this mask same as everyone who hides how they are actually feeling the emotions that wish it could escape and fit in like everyone else. Removing the mask only briefly so no one can see the reality of when I struggle or the real me, who has put up a wall of defence to protect myself and others from seeing the mark of the last attack.

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Recently I have had my first big lapse after everything I have gone through the past year. It finally happened as its normal to have bad low points in life. This time it was as if the world was crumbing in on me. As parts of my world was under attack within my working life to suddenly no longer feeling good enough to be with people or near. A reminder of the previous wars I have had against people when this whole fight begun, with my old mask finally removed and my then identity exposed to the world as a victim of depression. No longer feeling I could be part of society as a whole and I needed to hide away and not be seen by the world. a new mask now being worn that has been locked away never expecting for it to be seen or worn. The mask with many cracks and many scars attached, it shows the lapse and the wounds  I have tried to forget form growing up being bullied, being emotionally abused, being alone a lot as people didn’t realise what they were doing. The traumatic events that have shaped and guided my life and created and the person I am. Even with the doors on those events firmly closed they are still showing on the mask.

Can I stop the illness, no the illness is now part of my life and is going to be a factor in those good and bad days that I know the so called “normal” world have. My days just seem to be more perpetual and more destructive on the occasion of the low points.

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Revisions

With this blog I wrote this when I was at a low point remembering my past the destruction and how my mask slipped and I was no longer holding myself together instead I was letting external factors to influence what was going on with who I was. The effects of some people can have on a persons persona where being called selfish, ugly, horrible person can hurt but when I look at who is throwing the insults and the digs at me. Has proven a something, they could be right but its most likely they are wrong, my intention and my path is very clear and I stand by my morals. I believe in being kind and supportive to the world and those that show the same back deserve my time, those who are just keep taking, and never being there in return do not have the upper hand. I was brought up to be respectful, some could say soft some would say weak. I say I am me! The people who want me in their lives accept me for being this clumsy, silly, tall who wears my heart on the sleeve. I accept my mask can fall and it will occasionally show more than I really want to show the world, but then again who mask doesn’t slip especially when you don’t want it to. Unless you have something to be ashamed of, and I am no longer ashamed of having an depression or anxiety.

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I will not be judged as only having an illness I am just me, who has an illness but has many layers and many masks that shows who I am. Having the sad moments and the high points in life, its normality and when external factors come into fruition well I must have done something right as they have nothing better than to attack me. Go for it, as reality is I can dust myself off and get back on the horse again and still be true to me. Can you?

I am ONE

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Dare To BEAR

When you have a fear, it can become too much to face on your own. As a survivor and current sufferer of chronic depression. “I rise” with help of my friends and loved one I continue to fight through the darkness and the fears. Daring to grow and become strong facing the fears that cloud path forward unsure of where to turn. The light of my friends care and love shining through like a beacon of hope they have helped to protect and support. As a sufferer it is hard to let people in and see when someone really cares and the light coming in from the outside, as the path and the world outside is dark and bleak.

With dealing with depression and anxiety issues it is sometimes difficult to get back on with what we call “normal” life and going out and being who you want to be as each moment of the day as a sufferer you are fighting to get through the seconds, minutes, the hours and the day it can become too much to carry on and trying to just survive becomes the primary goal of the day.

Image result for Bearscots logoThe reason why I decided this blog would be different is because I have had to comes to terms with no longer being a victim but a survivor. There is some part of me that are still very raw and the strength to get through events don’t always come from me, but the strength comes from my friends and family. I have recently been to an event that I haven’t been to in 2 years and the last time I went to it I was in a relationship with my ex. Bearscots was when I first really got my first proper taste of the gay world as I grew up in London being the only gay guy out of my group of friends, it was a learning curve. With the events of 2012 where I lost my father and the family war of his side and confidence to try and make the first real steps into the world that I am apart of even if I didn’t know if I was really ready was overwhelming. The first night I was terrified my confidence was quite low as I was still very new to the world and at the event on my own in the big part as I was still getting to know people. Then I met the ex. They say that’s the end of that and it was, I had 2 years with him and came out with quite a few scars which hurt and they still do to a point but they have happened and I have come to terms with the majority of the problems we were had. I will always fight through the feeling of being the forgotten person and being the least important as I have had years of events being let down. With this year’s Bearscots it was meant to be different it been 2 years I have grown I have started to tackle the problems always head on in my own time and this year Bearscots was one I was tackling with friends and family who were there to hold my hand and pull me through the events of the weekend.

I had to dare myself to push myself through and try to enjoy myself facing the fear walking into an ex, pushing out the memories of the previous events in Edinburgh but also pushing through and baring my soul that I can be safe and enjoy myself in a place that holds so many memories and be safe away from my home and in a place on my own at times.  Many friend’s hands pulling and supporting me through shining bright to get me through the dark times and the path and brushing away the obstacles that appear on the path.

This year’s Bearscots was the event that I have always put above all other events. This is because it feels a lot like home, where it all begun and I could feel comfortable not only being me, but comfortable with other people around me. This year I had a lot of adrenaline building up and was feeling anxious a lot of the time. I was drinking as well at this event as I haven’t really been drinking alcohol a lot of the time when I go out, just to let me to remain in control but this time I decided to go against that rule and just enjoy myself as much as I could as, I can’t control everything and I shouldn’t need too. This year I did have a panic attack outside one of the venues and was on my own for a bit as I couldn’t push through the fear. It felt like time had stopped and I was frozen in time. Friends saw me outside and came and started to try calm me down and help me through the panic.  Looking back at the events of the weekend I doubt and know I wouldn’t have been able to get through the weekend. I actually laughed a lot more then I feared, I danced and drunk as it no one was watching me. Not feeling self-conscious about my weight or my body I enjoyed myself. The pictures show me as I am, smiling being comfortable and being able to say I am me.

A mantra I had to write on the mirror and repeat when I was walking to my friends;

“I am Strong
 I am Better
 I am Kind
 I DESERVE BETTER”

I dare to BEAR and pull through the illness that takes so many people, the statistics are still 1 in 4 adults still face mental health illness. I bare my illness and don’t hide it away but nor do I make it my world or my life, it can feel like it is all I talk about or I am now but I am far from the illness. People come up to me now and talk about how I don’t hide away or how I take the fight to the illness. The reason I bare my soul and the fight is I can see the world differently to what I use to see it as being very differently and being broken view. I am not ashamed of the illness and some days I do wish I wasn’t fighting it and didn’t have the illness but it won’t change anything. I am honest about the battle same as who I have always been, HONEST.

Its ok to have a lapse it is only for a moment not the whole beginning. I have had a few lapses and they are difficult at the time but I learn from each lapse. What is the triggers? What is going on in the bigger world? Am I forgetting what I have learnt in the past to deal with them? The majority of the answers would be yes I have forgotten that I am forgetting the bigger picture and the other coping strategies I have learnt. I didn’t even think about doing my mindfulness this week and it was a sign that I still have really long road to battle through, it is very much a learning curve and I have to think more about me at times especially when I am feeling the world is getting a bit too heavy.

Never feel the battle is too big or feel you have to face it alone. Friends and family and those you might not expect will support you through thick and thin. My best friend who is basically my brother we started this way and now I can’t think of life without having him about. Same as most of my friends they have moved from being just friends but part of my wider family. I will see everyone next year at Bearscots as I owe it to myself to enjoy myself.

To my friends, Family & Supporters Thank you for being there for me and lighting up the path. x

I am ONE