When you are dealing with depression you struggle with who you can trust and who you can’t. Sometimes the person you believe would be there isn’t actually there as they have multiple of factors to why they can’t or don’t want to be there. So the question is always going to be Do I trust you enough to share?

When you are dealing with depression you have to deal with a multitude of tasks that was once really easy but has become harder and the easiest task such as going to the shops could be too much for an individual. Some may face bigger battles that no one will ever know about in with a battle against the “darkness”. The “darkness” has the power to take control and make you believe what isn’t really true or there. You could be one of the strongest most positive person in the world and you could have a battle against the “dark”. Now those that know me or feel they know me wouldn’t believe I was the ONE of the fallen people who nearly followed the darkness.

On the outside I am seen as this positive and happy person but I have lived with depression for many years and learnt how to hide it and pretend that everything is ok. But really it isn’t. I have been around people and I haven’t been asked how I am for an hour. Three simple words of “How are you” shows a lot even if you aren’t interested or even bothered if I am well. You never know what you might find out about the person. It could be at that moment you get told how the darkness has taken over.

It’s quite interesting thinking back just to this year in 2015 I have met people a majority of them are nice and then I have met someone who is so self-centred I look back and remember how manipulative he is all I want to do is set some home truths here and now.

1, You manipulated me to a point you were the reason why my anxiety rises to a super high.

  1. You can control others for so long until I break and guess what I have broke so you have nothing you can do.
  2. When you start trying to manipulate my friends and someone I love I do the wisest thing I can do while I recover as you are a poisonous toad who don’t deserve the admiration of those closest to you. And that is steer well clear until you hurt them as you will, and I will be there for my friends while you will be alone.

Final point. Don’t boast about the past as you dilute the facts more and more, and never trust someone on the first meeting.

Now this person has no idea I am currently blogging but also I should mention this has been a long time coming where I have suffered abuse and disappointment also he is one of the people who never asks the 3 basics of communication and smiles at encouraging someone to leave the job. The basics are “HOW ARE YOU” I have an will always look out for my friends even when I am recovering I will still be there for them and the my first love or MR1 will always get my priority over trolls and people who forget what it’s like to be in emotional distress as you want my life you want my friends because I appear strong. For the individual they will know soon enough when I am ready and if people talk so what. I can’t change my opinions and neither will I.

Well today I am strong and every other day I will be stronger and take pride in myself at beating your mind games and pure venom that flows from you won’t touch me ever again. As what more can you do to me? Take my friends what again? Friends choose who they want in their lives I choose who I want in mine and you I don’t.

Words are big and they have an impact on people’s lives and how they can take a life without anyone knowing it. People can be horrible and encourage the darkness without even realising and luck and good will may not even save you from the darkness. As the words have sunk in and they have taken control of the person’s mind they aren’t good enough or they don’t belong well I am here today because of 4 people. Not MR1 but 4 people who saved me, Mr 1 knows about it and has given me a slap for nearly ending it. As apparently I mean something to people and I have a gift that has been slightly lost for a few months and as I look at it has just been delivered to my old home in London and it’s on its way back to me in Manchester. I will get myself back on my feet and MR1 will be back once I am back to an even playing field as right now I am on a different level to everyone else.

If you notice I don’t refer to what the darkness for the one reason I don’t feel it should be referred to as it is known as I didn’t let it take me. Also if it’s a referred to by its true name and form its being given respect. Right now I am in the different shades of grey not the light nor the darkness just floating between the levels of grey. I am not proud to go to the darkest part of life my life again as I have been to the pure darkness many times in the past 10 years and I am never going to say I won’t contemplate it as that’s a promise I can’t make. But I will try and speak to people before it gets too much and ask for help.

A life is a gift and a wonderful gift I have seen in my life how quick it could be taken away from people. Working within Childrens wear and having to have that difficult conversation with a parent who either didn’t go full term or did and it wasn’t the joy they wanted. That gift being taken away before they even get a chance to enjoy and instead have the misery. If you consider the darkness and the misery I have a few things to look at before you ever consider it ever again, who will you be leaving behind? I would be leaving behind my family some great friends. Why are you considering the darkness is right? If it’s because someone has told you or keeps riding your back because they are unhappy about something tell them where to go, do you think honestly that they will be sad if you’re gone. It’s a lot more fun and shows true courage to come back every single time. Are they really worth your time to give them that moment to really consider the darkness? I doubt it if they are pushing you towards the darkness what are their reasons? Is it because they are jealous or they are just lazy or inept to consider their own actions to could affect other people. Final point why are you bothered what they really think? Even if you love them they don’t get the right to push you towards the darkness. No matter how low you are no one gets that power. Remember this big factor you’re the ONE and the only person controlling your life. No one else can control or take your life.

Have you ever heard the phrase “Every Action has a Reaction!”  well here is my reaction to my action on Wednesday I went to seek medical help and got prescribed medication to help with my depression, Thursday I collected it, I also started this blog to document and raise awareness and took the #timetochangepledge to raise awareness and talk about my mental health and Friday I took my first tablet.   Saturday (todays  blog writing) I have had to rewrite my original blog post from friend or foe to TRUST as I don’t need to go into who I trust as they know, and also I was giving the foe too much time.

 “Strong people don’t put others down…they lift them up.”
by Michael P. Watson

Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not worth being here as I am here to tell you, you are. Every life has a meaning and its time I believe in my own life not just believe what I am told and thinking the easiest way out of this situation is the darkness. Instead getting up every single day and fighting against it as those who hate us have got a sad and pathetic life they are thinking about me you and you have taken up that person’s time.

For me I am moving on, learning, growing and I have 2 simple words for the frenemies……Good BYE.

So to everyone who reads this blog or is part of my life, “How are you?”

If you are contemplating the darkness, talk to the person you trust the most and they will help you or go to your local GP or A&E and ask for an emergency appointment at your GP. You can also contact Samaritans & MIND who have resources available. if you are under the age of 18 you can also speak to Childline.

I am ONE and we are all SURV;VORS.


One comment

  1. Sue · September 7, 2015

    Thank you for sharing your inner thoughts. And it is very true, people do not ask ‘how are you?’. Sometimes they forget and think its ok, but, sadly this hurts and should never be the case. You ARE getting stronger, you will ‘survive’ and you will be you. Perhaps not straightaway but slowly and surely you will return to being the confident beautiful young man that I have the privilege to call my beloved son. You are my rock ass I am and always will be yours. XX

    Liked by 1 person

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