Have you ever looked in the mirror and just can’t see what others can see?
Within society we have a number of labels and categories everyone fall’s into. A so called category, but who decides.
I have looked into the mirror and tried to see who is looking back at me. People tell me who I am and what you I mean to them. But then people can tell you but do you believe them?
I am 29 years old. I have had my own battles including the one I am on at the moment. Recently I have been told people wish I wasn’t alive, to not being a nice person and also questioned if I fall into the category. I have previously wrote something about labels so I won’t got down the theory or the social experiments that have been conducted in the past.
Earlier this year I experience my crisis point and talking to some wise people they suggested on a wall writing all the positives about myself. I could get some help from friends but I had to think of the majority of positives. It made it onto Facebook as well. The Wall of positivity as it was known as. I looked at the qualities that I hold within and made me look deep at who I really am. Sometimes or most the time I forget who I really am.
A Mirror has the ability to show you what you want to see but hide the truth within itself. But it could also looking at a dream reliving your day over and over again. This could be a moment wishing it was over and it just fogs up your views of reality.
In my last blog I wrote about a man who has manipulated and treated me like dirt and I have finally had enough, but it got me thinking what people present to someone, they are presenting themselves to the mirror that is you. Where they see what you want them to see. If you are consciously trying to hide parts. But they still will see it just not as obvious. For my current job I was moving from Retail as a Store Manager to working within the charity sector. This interview I was really big for me as I just quit my old job a few days before and after being told constantly I was an exceptional Assistant Manager and visual merchandiser and that was my glass ceiling to them. Instead of motivating and encouraging me to become stronger as a store manager. And I admit I had made my faults and I could have done things differently but I was still good as a store manager, as I would fix problem stores, namely the store I was seconded over to for a period. Well the interview went well as I got the job but I found out that my shirt was untucked at the back, and one of the managers saying I looked so nervous.
For me I have always and probably will always struggle what people see in me that makes me stand out and for them to want to be friends with me. But it’s time to not question everything and just look into the mirror and see who I want to be and just breath and be me. Life is set to try and test our beings and see if we can accept the reason why we are friends. I have some wonderful friends and they make every day easier and encourage me to grow not just in my recovery but as a friend.
Since I started this blog I have started to open up and talk to more people and also I have been visiting friends to get away from the past and to give myself a chance to just breathe. The people I choose to spend time with are amazing and how much I owe them will never be forgotten as life would be very dull without them. I might be missing ONE or TWO but when the time is ready we will see each other when the time is right. With being signed off its difficult as I feel I am missing part of me and having to relax when there is so much going on at work at the minute. But I have had to finally stop as the pressure on me there is nothing compared to the pressure I am under by my own hand. So for the past week I have spent a few days in Manchester, helped friends move from one part of York to another part, then to Derby for the Darley Park 2015 Classical FM concert. To finally come home to my mums in Norfolk. I have in total 3 weeks off and I keep having the bad regretful feelings and thinking about the past but I am looking at the now and what I can do to protect me.
“If you’re on the wrong path, turn around”
Kinky boots by Cyndi Lauper.
A Mirror will always pick up elements of what we really don’t want to see even if it’s the past. For me it’s time to leave the mirror image accept who and what I am and forget the rest. As I am definitely here to stay and no man woman or outlaw will tell me otherwise. Those that treat me differently because I am kind, caring, respectful or have depression well really I won’t change who I am because I don’t fit the label you have written for me. I am still going to be me just a better version and those that want to treat me differently well that’s for them to answer to in their own mirror as others will see who you really are.
I am ONE and I will SURV;VOR. Cracks and all.