” I’m gonna SMILE like nothing’s wrong, PRETEND like everything’s all right, ACT like its all perfect, Even though inside it really HURTS…”
As the quote says, I hide behind the smile, pretending to be ok and never letting people know what is going on inside. As to be let into the madness that is my head it is beyond mayhem. Since accepting I have depression and a majority of the triggers and also causes are coming out and accepting my past is a big part of recovery.
For my life I have always accepted being the forgotten person, friends and some family leave me behind as they think I am ok. But the hurt and fractures to the human brain and emotional torture can sometimes become too great even when you really know why you’re not included.
Over the years I have got use to pretending I am ok as it’s always seemed the right thing to do, keeping quiet and never saying anything as it means I become the centre of attention and for me I can’t think of anything worse than being the centre of attention. As it means I have to talk about me and admit there is further problem and need to talk to people about it. I look at being far from the centre and as some people prefer keeping me on the outside of the circle and just leaving me there. It’s a place I have got comfortable over the years and know partly self-inflicted as I don’t push to become more involved. But why should everything be a fight just to get that attention, or even be the centre of someone’s world.
When I was with my ex it was my first real relationship and it was all new and being important to someone. To the world we were a lovely couple and we were close but behind closed doors we were very far from close. As most know it was a long distant relationship with me being in London and him in Glasgow and well I did all the traveling and had to deal with a lot from his past including namely his ex who is also his best friend. I know we all have a past and I encouraged meeting and spending time with him to get to know who he was as he was an important person to my ex. But the ex-decided to take me as a threat and also my ex was too scared I would make him choose. For me I have never and will never make someone to pick between me and another as it wouldn’t be my place to make that person to choose. Also I am use to the other person being picked over me. With the ex he was constantly around towards the end and showed me no respect and treated me as if he was still in a relationship with my ex. He even at one point told me that I will never know my ex. Well I will never know him as well as he knew him as myself and him were only together for 2.5 years. They were together nearly 14 years and he had never fully moved on. A majority of the time I was use to visiting and having to deal with the usual and instead of going out and enjoying being in a relationship it was hidden away, and rarely going out with people on a night out. My last big event in Scotland was damaged beyond repair from a set of arguments including being accused of telling someone to go away. To the sudden appearance of his ex who seemed determined to have an argument which ended up being with his ex and the guy he was trying it on with having an argument with him also. So for me that was a sign of the end as instead of trying to protect me or letting me help him with this idiot it was always never right or never good enough so even though I cared about a man who was meant to care for me I just never seemed to get the same back. When I told him I was suffering from depression and he was a factor of it, he was upset but he never did anything to help it with my recovery. Before Christmas I decided we needed to go on a break as while everyone else was starting a relationship and it was blooming mine wasn’t mine was on the brink of exploding all over the place.
In that month I laughed I smiled I made connections with people. I also suffered and hurt which I ignored the pain and put on this enjoyment of actually being centre of a few people attention. One person in particular I have grown closer too, we would spend time together all the time, and we would just have a good time and enjoy each other company. We spent part of Christmas & New Year’s together and it felt right and as if how it should have been. We never entered a full relationship but it just became that way just never a label. Four days into the New Year I decided if it wasn’t changing with my ex we had to end it and begin again. Which we agreed was right as when I look back I never got a birthday or Christmas present from my ex. But the person I was getting closer to, did get me a Christmas and birthday present. He treated me the way I never had and made me realise this is what it should have been within my past relationship. The emotional connection was different it awoken a piece of me I never knew about. I started to fall in love, which was never the plan for me I was no longer the guy who was forgotten about. I was important to someone for change and smiled and I wasn’t pretending anymore instead I was being honest, I was happy. But then I got to close and it was just me feeling that way. I let my emotions get the better of me and he changed the plans. The beginning of the end for me in a way and an awakening of the depression. We fell apart and we stopped what we had. It took a while to regain what I lost and admit I was broken which I did when I was approaching the lowest point the darkest time I had to seek counselling and I did this. Which didn’t really help as I would just talk and never really focus on the issue of falling in love but instead my father’s accident. That never really focused on the breakdown of my mental health it was a factor of course.
Today I lookback and with recent events which nearly destroyed me and made me considered the darkness as the possible best route out of suffering this pain and being free to never feel this way again. But I am still here I never did it and was saved by people, who helped me with the stopping me from doing anything with the darkness.
I have been blogging for over a week and most of my blogs have been positive but right now I am struggling for the positive. The recent event brought me and the person I grew closest too to a cross roads where our friendship is suffering as choices were made and my anxiety grew too much. Around an individual who to some means no harm but to me he is a manipulator and says he had no interest in the person I liked but as soon as he found out I had been with this person he was all over him.
Life for me is difficult and I feel people are there but right now the shadows and the cloud and fog is around me as it takes control of my life and I have to turn on the fog lights to get through the fog. As I still feel unworthy talking to people about what is going on as it’s a lot to take in and also for me to admit there is more than just the parts I tell people. It’s also letting go of the past that is really hard to do as I have a past that is filled with sadness. Currently I feel very much broken and the pain i have inside me and the more I feel like part of me is beyond repair and not just my heart but also my brain.
I am ONE that will ONE day be free from darkness.