“Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles DEVELOP your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender. That is STRENGTH

One year on since I left London, the career I knew and the home I knew like the back of hand, along with the emotional baggage I had in London from my father and my past relationship. Last year I finished working in retail on the 11th September and was working within retail a so called small chain of children’s wear and well my final week was horrible, for 2 ½ days I worked on my own and generated more money than the team did the previous week. The customers were lovely and were wishing me well and brought some cards and gifts which was lovely as I have seen their families grow and I had helped them with the hard times of coming into a shop with children and making that 20 mins a bit easier. I also had to help parents with the hard times when it wasn’t to be. On the last day ½ my team couldn’t actually be bothered with me leaving or try to make it easier for me as I have been working there for 3 years and had the rollercoaster of losing my father while I was working there and everyone predicted I wouldn’t come back as its really difficult going back to a job and hearing the words “dad or daddy” when you have just lost yours. I also helped recover a store that needed server help. My team instead decided to be rude to customers or me even when I was being supportive as they were having a lot on as they had no new manager coming in for 8 weeks. My last day my assistant manager who was very outspoken about me being a manager wanted my job but was turned down as she demanded too much from the powers that be.  Being told a member of staff was going to put in a complaint because I wasn’t being supportive while she was dealing with a diagnosis of epilepsy even though I was the one who agreed to give her a gentle return back and I would be the one to work on my own with her so there was sufficient cover for the team as well in case she had a seizure. But I left on my last day hearing from my manager and my old manager who I still talk to and love her to bits.

Over the following days I packed up my life into my car and got ready for my new life in the north. I had my last family meal on the 12th which was emotional as it was last meal I had with my aunt and cousin. But also it became more real I was leaving. On the 13th I moved and drove the 200 miles north to live with friends. And a few days later begin my new job which I have now been at for a year. As I have said in previous blogs I split from my boyfriend and also met someone who made me smile without having to force it.

When I went on the break from my ex and I met that other person I slowly started to go through the realm of doubt and if I was right in my decision should I be on the break. With Christmas coming up it was even more doubt and more fear I would be Single and why would someone want me as my actual boyfriend didn’t want me.  Well I visited the person I was getting closer too and he had friends over. Who in turn have become my own friends who I am close to but not in the same way. I spent a night feeling awkward and nervous about being out and alone and my first real time out since I went on a break.  Meeting those 2 people I have helped me gain control of some kind. They have been part of my strength and part of my development to get better. When I had my breakdown in February they didn’t cast any shadows of disappointment which I know they had they just never said it. They provided support and encouragement to help me recover and make me feel safe. They are also the reason I am still here today. As through the darkness they saved me from the voices and they helped with turning the flash light on that little ray of light coming in through the darkness.

I have recently helped them to move, and when I was really ill with tonsillitis they have supported and looked after me. Let me stay with them for longer than what was to be expected. Around the same time the person I got close to had his own crisis with a loss within their family and I was there to help them at the same time I was starting to grow away from him and into my own life, but it wasn’t to be at the time as we needed each other. We were friends before all the mayhem begun and always put that a priority. As I value friendship beyond anything else as it means we have a connection and can get on and I like the contact and time we spend together.

With the recent decision to take medication I have also had to make the decision to escape my hometown for a short period to be around people and they have welcomed me into their home. We haven’t spoken really about the situation instead just normal day to day life, including going to my first classical concert which I loved and it brought back the days of playing music the electricity of the notes the audience and the atmosphere even though it was freezing cold. I have spent time getting to know people I probably would have only ever saw at a big event like bearscots or bear bash or something happening in Manchester, instead I have got to spend time with 4 lovely people one of them I am very close to and is a support and is there when I need him.

I have other friends who are at the end of a phone who I message regularly and talk to its just hard finally admitting I am alone and need to let people into my life and ask for help as I have grown used to being on my own with all the decisions and when people ask me what I fancy doing I always say I don’t mind as I really don’t know what to do as it’s not what everyone else would want to do. Right now my friends are my strength even the friends I miss dearly and wish they would come back but the time isn’t right for them to be here.

To be stronger than yesterday you have to be gain control of the present. Forget the past and begin to leave it all behind and begin to look for the future.  The past is always going to be a constant reminder of my battle wounds and how they will have happened but I need to leave those wounds back in the past and become the man I want to be as the man I have been before the past year isn’t me, the man I was, has to take control of the now and make it what I want it to be.

I am ONE, my friends you are my rock and I cannot thank you enough for being there for me.



  1. Sue · September 15, 2015

    It is sad reading your words, and that I could not do anything to help, or to support you over the distance. I truly wish I was allowed to do more. At time like this you learn who your friends are and who to trust, some are stronger and unjudgemental, they freely give you strength and encouragement. Sadly, some who you think will be there for you, pull away and leave as they are too weak to understand your turmoil. But please remember I will always be here, you are my rock and my love. xx


  2. Vanda · September 16, 2015

    I am sorry you have to go through this.
    Bad things happen to good people.
    Forget about jmb and your end time.
    I know some of the things you went through, but l know your a great person, kind, helpfull, funny and talanted. We all have our demons to fight and l know you will win your fight. Doesn’t matter what people say or think. Ignor those who don’t help or understand, you’re better without them.
    I am here for you when ever you need to vent, talk, shout or rant….

    About that friend not sure how will react seeing how much you think of him. Maybe better not to tell him about the blog.

    Take care Alexi

    I look forward to hearing from you



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s