Have you ever feared a stranger or the story wasn’t right and you didn’t know how to change or stop the FEAR from taking over? From the bible I found this quote that sums up fear to me over the years and made me think of the past few weeks.
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. I will FEAR no EVIL, for you are with me, your rod and your staff, they comfort me”
Bible- Psalm 23:4
Three weeks have passed since I considered the darkness and over the three week’s I have had to admit a lot of my demons and try to take control of the fear I have from them. Admitting the fear is a big stage in accepting and taking control of the fear. As surely if you fear it who has won the battle me or the fear?
For three weeks I have admitted I have a problem, admitted the person I love, admitted life has finally got too much on my own and now I need to let people in. But I have also found some positives, I started this blog and from day one of the blog promised to be honest about my recovery and my past. I have spent time away from home, from being alone and got to know my friends more. I have challenged the fear of three weeks ago being in a room with people and not sure of what is possible going to happen and stayed calm and just went with the flow avoiding difficult conversation. Taking a break to find a bit of me as well as right now I know I am nowhere near ready to be me fully or go back to work as it’s a lot to handle especially with where I work and what is expected of me and who works in the same building. I have spoken with work and they are ok with me being off as they know how severe this last bout of depression has been.
A fear I have always had is being alone but I have always been aware I am alone and from pushing people away and keeping what is happening to myself I have made myself even more alone. People have offered to be there to talk to but it’s a case of do I feel I can let them into my life and tell them the spiral of madness I have going on and making it more difficult to tell and some the people I have gone to in the past suddenly lose the ability to talk as it’s not about them or they might not able to discuss or support the situation. Which is more understandable but when they offer support, they could admit they don’t know what to say and the subject could move on but they hide behind ignorance and change the subject about them. As I have previously said I have gone to people asking for help and no one really being there in the past as to me I haven’t been important, I have been left forgotten about and seen as the image I portray as being strong enough and positive enough to recover from anything. In some cases I do come back fighting stronger than I have been but right now the strength it takes to be me is a lot. When I have felt low in the past I have managed to stay in bed all day and night and jut not move as my body hibernates as I hurt too much. Fearing this is what my life is going to be. As it could all end at any time as no one knows when the story is going to be over?
The quote I found wasn’t because I considered the darkness instead as I walk through this world and story that is my life I will fear nothing. With my friends and most importantly my family there to support and comfort me through the hard and good times of my story. No one will know the full story of my life and nor should anyone really know the full realms of it as that’s my story.
Fearing the story was nearly over was wrong of me to consider as I am only up to chapter 29 I have many more chapters to come. With a lot more hope for the future than I had yesterday. I won’t pretend my life is perfect or amazing as it’s not and if it was perfect I would be too scared to live it as it could be taken away in a second. A dream I have had for quite a few years has been finding Mr right settling down owning a house and more recently getting married and possible having our own children. But I would prefer to adopt than go through the difficulties of surrogacy but this may change on Mr Right. Part of my dream has had to change over the years through loss of family members and also some friends moving away from the path I have. For years I have been against marriage not because of the issues with getting equality within the United Kingdom. But it was actually do I need a piece of paper to say I love this person and the cost which I could spend that money on a nice holiday or part of our home or car. Also if it goes wrong it’s complicated and costly and to be fair for both Mr Right and I being able to leave the relationship easily.
Some of my closest friends were once strangers and some of them I now consider part of my family. With some other strangers who are very much firm friends, whilst some friends have now become strangers.
“Strangers are just friends you haven’t met yet. “
As I start my new week and begin to look towards a future I have to admit there is a bit more hope that I have had for a few weeks now. Tomorrow is a new day and life is going to be ok.
I am ONE and I am a SURVIV(;)R