“You are not a burden. You HAVE a burden which by definition is too heavy to carry on your own”
For the past few weeks I have been feeling like the lost soul and as if I am falling apart and why did I fall so low and how dark the world become. I have driven nearly 500 miles if not more over the past few weeks and I never looked at how much fight I have in me until today. Driving home from York and listening to the radio and hearing Fight Song by Rachel Platten.
Life is a fight and instead of listening to the inner demon voices its time I start listening to my own voice. As my voice has been lost and my demons have taken control and I have never really thought I was worth much as I am alone and awkward and depression has taken full control with the behaviour and mood removing the fight to be strong and be me.
On Monday when I put up the “Fear Blog” I was messaging Kevin and how I don’t like people talking about me or the fact I haven’t heard from someone important in nearly 4 weeks, how I miss the conversation but my heart & brain are slowly coming around to the fact some people need to leave to hear their own voice and find that piece of them they may have lost or may not have seen.
In a few weeks it is bearscots fest in Edinburgh and this year’s one would have been my fourth event and my 3rd in a relationship, but also the dates of this year’s event would have been our anniversary. Most people know I made the decision to cut off my ex and no longer have contact with him for the many reasons I have already wrote about on here. I have felt quit low about the fact I couldn’t keep up a friendship with my ex but as I hear more and more rumours about us. It was definitely best to cut out the negative part of my life and start to think about what is important……ME!
People have read this and the other blogs and I appreciate the time it takes to firstly pick up the messages but then take time to read through the blogs which could have spelling and grammar errors in the pieces but I’m not a professional writer instead I am just trying to make today better for me and others going through something similar to my situation. I only want to bring the fight back and stop the stigma attached to Mental Health.
The wreckage I created over the past months and years, I can’t go back and change what has happened and have to accept that it has and start to move beyond the regrets as all I am doing is beating myself up more and more and not looking back at the highlights of the past year in Manchester and I have a lot of them. I have been to my first ever concert to see Take That, I have seen 2 amazing theatre shows in London and one in Manchester. Too getting my first home with my own space. I have also got my first job outside of retail, my work being recognised and how it has changed some ways we work. I escaped a soul destroying relationship and a family of hate. I have been shortlisted for 2 big awards within my first year at work. I have met some amazing people and learnt a lot and now I need to put what I have learnt into practice. And I have had some lovely memories with a variety of people.
With my voice being lost I never get to say how I truly feel and what I really want to say to people and it’s time to say, but also accept where my home is as I have many from my family to my friends. The darkness can only get me if I don’t look for the light that is life.
It’s time to take the fight to depression and make today and every day what I want it to be as no one else can make it for me. Not just to fight but to BELIEVE and make the most of today and I only have one life.
I am a fighter, Believer and I am never going to quit!
I am ONE & a SURVIV( ; )R