“What have you done today to make you PROUD? “
Have you ever woke up and thought you were nothing special or important to people? Guess what I wake up like this most days and then I look back at what is reality. I am important I am special I am needed on this planet and will find the place that feels safe.
I have always looked at myself being on the top shelf not really wanted around by people as I have mentioned I have been forgotten about or used so the shelf is where I have always been left behind by people. As I became the safety blanket and yet who is my safety blanket I don’t have one anymore as the safety blanket and net was yanked from under me a few weeks ago in a situation that wasn’t ideal and I am not going to go into detail but it nearly brought me to the darkest place I have been. I know this blog is called “Proud” and this isn’t something I am to turn to the darkness, I am proud I didn’t let it consume me fully.
Right now I am missing someone and part of me feels I will never have this person back in my life as we haven’t spoken for a month, and I have to say goodbye to feeling close to this person as life is never going to return back to what I had before.
No, words or hopes or prays will bring back what I had or who I was, and being honest part of me doesn’t want the person I was to come back. I wasn’t me and I wasn’t true or proud of those days I hit rock bottom. Rock bottom is a dark and horrible place as you never know where or when the chance you will no longer be at the bottom of the spiral instead on your way back up the ladder and recovering even partially. It just happens.
I am currently working on myself at the minute I was only going to take 3 weeks off work but it turns out I have been off since the 28th August and right now I don’t know when I will be going back to work and I need to go back as it’s a sign of recovery. A fear is walking into people I really would prefer never to see again as I don’t feel I can cope with them at the minute, I don’t directly work with them instead they work in the same building and I have previously mentioned them in the “Trust Blog”.
For me today is a big day as not only did I have my medication review and also faced a fear and gone into the office knowing I could walk into two people. But a month today marks when I nearly fell into the darkness. When I was having my medication review it was literally to the minute of when it could happened. What could have been would have been total darkness and impossible to recover from for myself as knowing my luck it wouldn’t have been the ending.
So I called this blog “Proud” because I look back at the past what has happened and how life have changed. Where I am learning daily about who I am what I want do and who I want to spend time with. Over the month I have had some rumours said about me and I know who has said them and I have to laugh as I chose to step away from social media to protect me, I am proud of the fact I have taken a step away from the danger and the risk. This week talking to my occupational health and he was talking about spiritual mindfulness. And he explained how if we forget about evolution of ourselves, instead look at the spirit or the soul and look at my age. We are on a train and it’s going until the final day comes and at that point we just leave the train while the rest of the train carries on this journey. My life is ongoing for many year to come. My Pride has always been a big factor in who I am and how I won’t lose my pride. I take pride in my work, my life, my family and every step of the path I take.
The blog is something I am really proud of as it has given me a chance to open up and given me an opportunity to start clearing my head and challenging the illness. The reason why there has been no blog for over a week is because I couldn’t figure out how to start this blog or even what I wanted it to contain.
I am ONE I am Proud and I will be free of depress;on