Growing up in London is an amazing place, where you get to feel and be a part of the buzz that is London. It has this electricity that anyone who goes to London will experience especially during major events like the Olympics. However it can also be one of the hardest places to live in. I grew up in the outskirts of London, in a place of greenery and as if it is a village in London.
When I was at school, it was around the same time there was a war on terror happening or the continued war on cancer. We would learn about wars and historical events. The events of 9/11 had a huge impact on the world. We hear about these battles against the world against people but in school I never heard about the battle on mental health.
I knew about mental health early as I have always had an interest in psychology and always had an interest in how mental health is affected by the multiple factors. Like cultural psychology, you see no one will share the same story, and here is a bit of mine.
As I have said above I grew up in London, I experienced a loss growing up as I lost both of my grandfather’s, my godfather and uncle, aunts and my grandmother. Who I spent a lot of time with growing up. With this I also experience isolation and was forgotten about by people like friends and more importantly my father. Growing up I got use to promised being made and being broken.
You see life for me was always getting used to being last picked, and basically forgotten about. You see entered a relationship that verged on emotional torment. I have mentioned this before and how my first love was amazing. But I also became the safety net and let my own net be ripped away from beneath me. With life we all have set backs and have to accept that sometimes people are just there not to help and protect but are just there to take what they want, especially when you have something it doesn’t have to be of value or a material object but instead it could be part of who you are, it could be your confidence, your strength, you innocence or it could just be a notch.
My last blog I called it proud as I have taken the steps to make myself proud. Right now I am using music as a big influence in my life and taking time to actually listen to what the meaning of my life is. One song I have recently listened too is by Kelly Clarkson “Let your tears Fall”.
This song reminds me of what is going on and also how we all make decisions for the right or wrong reason and then there are some people who will judge and then there are a small few that make life worth living and give the support and the guidance that those judge who don’t know the full story or the truth will never get to know the rest of the story as the judgement has taken over that future relationship and they have lost out on seeing who I am or ever getting to know the story.
I have learnt over the past month I have to let people in and trust the people that don’t judge but instead comfort me and are honest. There can only be one judge in life and that is up to each person to decide as it varies, for me the only judge in my life can be ME. As no one else can judge me any harder than I can judge myself and I only answer to myself not others. I will entertain so much but now I won’t entertain the rumours the jokes that turn into personal attacks. The wish that events hadn’t happened but then I would still be in the bubble and nowhere near I’m now.
For my past every door has to close at some point and my emotions of what has happened and how I miss people and the bond that was once there and looked indestructible has to close. A new door opens when you least expect it and the corridor you walk down you never know who will be there but someone will eventually appear. But also you get to close the door on the history and the war that was once, life.
Reason this is called invincible is because I won’t be going back to the place I was a month ago, nor will I let my health nor mental health be a minority and instead make it a priority. Nor will I have anyone dictate who I am or put others before my own needs. I won’t compromise my morals which are important to me and make me who I am.
I am still on the road to recovery and most probably will always be on this road as it has the ability to come back and remind me of what has happened and the truth is I need to be reminded that life is a constant battle we are fighting and that isn’t going to disappear instead become use to the battle and bring my own fight.
As I fight and make myself stronger every day leaving the judgement behind and make today a new day. Time is healing my ability to free my mind and also those broken bits that exist like my heart are slowly healing but each person I love has a piece of it, and my first love and my ex have a small piece of it as they were and are part of my story, but that sub chapter has closed as I need to begin my new sub chapters in chapter 29.
Today is a positive day and I am not naïve to think this is it I am recovered as I’m nowhere near ready to go back to being back to normality, and nor am I naïve to think that my emotions or anxiety won’t change suddenly as it can happen at any point. But more importantly I am aware my emotions are a major part of who I am and its ok to finally admit when I’m not ok, as I can’t be 100% all the time, no one can be. It is ok to cry, laugh, smile, be in whatever mood you want to be as long as you can be honest and accept it. I am learning this and once I have learnt it properly I will be INVINCIBLE.
“Don’t put the key to your own HAPPINESS in someone else’s pocket”
I am ONE, Invincible & SURVIV( ; ) R and I am whatever I want to be!