“NEVER let go of HOPE. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself… ‘How did I get through all of that?’”
Over the past few days I have been given the opportunity to speak to some amazing people who approached me about this blog. With compliments this blog is giving them a bit of hope. I never thought about how my ramblings could give people some hope and to encourage others. But also those I let know about the blog are very key to my own recovery. You see I haven’t gone into the darkness or even discussed what happened to spark the recovery.
For me the spark was when I witnessed someone I cared about more than anything else pick someone else and let someone exploit my emotions which he still doesn’t see instead he was thinking about his own need. Which isn’t wrong but he was oblivious of my feelings for him. The following day walking in on aftermath. Realising I am never going to be good enough for him instead everyone else is. I walked out and asked to go for a walk with a friend. I slowly started to feel the fear bubbling up inside me the voices talking telling me how worthless I was. I walked out and just walked, I messaged my friend telling him where I was and what was going on. I needed someone, the voices shouting at me not to ask for help. The voice was encouraging me to leave to follow the darkness.
My friend found me before I did follow the darkness I didn’t see the light we went for a walk & talked and just taking a step away. Being honest with myself and the feeling I had inside never really admitting I was in love, I never admitted this to myself. Talking to my friend about what was going through my head and my heart as well. We walked back and went back out and I admitted my feelings to the person I fell for, how I nearly ended it all because of everything. It’s not about what got up to it was the connection we had between us and how we grew closer and closer.
Reality was it was always on someone else terms, I was never good enough but the reason I wasn’t good enough to him is because I never believed in myself I would let others set in front of me and let them knock me back down. There is a saying one door closes another will open but in a way the door closes and you have to walk down the corridor it won’t be a simple walk across to the next door you have a set of stairs and longer paths to walk. The door could also be locked for the time being so you have to find the key to unlock it.
So since the event of the dark clouds flooding through I have been away, writing this blog, creating my journal. I have slowly been building walls and decided when the event happened to remove myself from social media to the best of ability just keeping twitter and Instagram. Facebook has been limited accessed and this week I came back for short bursts, hiding parts of my Facebook and reducing access to people. For the simple reason is to protect myself from the comments and the conversations that could happen. Yes there is an obvious issue why be scared of “what if’s” but right now I have to think of myself and how I need to keep my distance with some people and some situations, with only a small group of people knowing what is really happening. As the rumour mill is currently active and you know I am many things and I accept some of them might not be positive and I have to accept that but I have many more positive attributes, I can only control so much and I can only be me. I choose to have a good heart, be kind and compassionate and to have manners. The same time I have had to find my own strength and be able to fight through the difficult moments. I will constantly have those moments were I feel low. I have faced that this week with bearscots currently happening. Also this past Wednesday would have been my 3 year anniversary with my ex. It was my first big date as normally I would have been at work or I would have had someone there. But this time I didn’t and it was really hard as I am emotional & sensitive guy who just wants to be happy. Sometimes you just have to accept being happy alone. Sometimes it has to happen where we have to say goodbye to the negative and embrace a future with new challenges.
My future hopes and dreams are just getting myself better, getting back to work and actually having fun, with a mixture of people and get to see different parts of the country and world.
To those that are in the process or just need someone, I am here and you are not alone as we are never alone. As we don’t walk through this life and the next alone we walk through with a purpose.
I am ONE & I have HOPE for a brighter future.