Shame

When you start the spiral of illness you go through the shame an the stigma associated with it. Fr years before I seeked help I held the same stigma that it would never happen to me. I was just a bit sad. With the way people with this illness including myself can be sectionned off from world.  Shamed for being beaten by an illness that should be controlled. Reality is this illness is only as strong as we let it, for neglecting ourselves through our mental health to the fact

“Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of but stigma and bias shame us all,”
Bill Clinton

Sometimes the illness can take a turn that is extremely dark and twisted path, as I referred to in previous blogs the “darkness”. Once you have gone down that route and feel you can’t see any light or anyone there to pull you out of the abyss that is the darkness. If you go through with the act or contemplate and decide not to follow through with the act. If you survive you feel drained and damaged from the act, and the shame that comes from it.

The shame that comes from listen to the voices either in your head or sometimes it can come from other people can convince you to do it. It’s the right thing to do as the voices from others or your mind encouraging and telling you’re that it’s for the best. But really is it for the best when you haven’t taken care of yourself. Those influences infect and affect your life and people who forgetful nature and destroy the one person that matters, that is YOU.

Life can take an odd route and can surprise you when you have sunk to levels of despair. Once it has happened you have to admit to some people that you have hit rock bottom. But also you have to admit it yourself that you have nearly committed something unforgiveable. There is a shimmer of light though. You are still here for a reason this could be for someone important, a reason to still be on this planet.

One person can destroy entire life with one action. For me I have seen the darkness I have seen the shadows that stops life. A date that will haunt me with shame for nearly being defeated me 30^th August 2015. This was the day I contemplated and nearly committed the most heinous act.

You see the reason why I have posted about my first love, and the abusive relationship I was in with my ex and how I was forgotten by friends and my father. I have always felt the world would have been better off without me. From the guilt of my father’s accident, to never accepting that I wasn’t at fault for what happened nor is it my fault I was outed by my father’s brother from a jealous person who hated the fact my father had a son.  To never being picked or being wanted around by people. On the 30^th august it finally got too much for me, when a man who twisted the situation into their own gain. While everyone else was enjoying Pride I was falling apart as people I care about allowed and participated in the situation. Which kicked off an accelerated path of destruction where I sent horrible message to someone important destroying what we had.  Going through my mind at the time was who I will miss, how much I will miss my mum, my aunt, my cousin. A few friends floating in my head, but then how their lives would be better without me. I was saved to a certain extent from the voices by Scott and Phil. Phil kept me on the phone messaging me while Scott came and found me. My route out of the pain I was feeling and my heart breaking. Scott and I went for a walk and Scott wouldn’t let go of me. He held my hand to the park. And even when we were walking back and I was hesitant to go inside, I had to admit my shame, my pain I was suffering. We went out and I was removed from the environment and we talked, I spoken with John and he invited me to stay at his for the night with him and his partner to get me out of Manchester for a night and not to be alone. I drove to John’s for the night, and we didn’t talk about what had happened just watched a movie and had a normal night as if nothing had happened and spent the Monday just watching movies. When I went home I had to make the difficult call and tell my mum about what happened and how bad the illness was. Finally admitting fully that I needed help more than ever. From that point on I begun the slow and continue on this road to recovery.

I still have the SHAME that I let the illness nearly beat me and having to admit it is hard and it’s difficult as going back to work after a break of 6 weeks, people do notice you haven’t been around much. Today I admitted my illness to someone who I don’t directly work with. Also trying to get back into the swing of things.

Over the 29 years of my life I have to admit I have some big regrets and they will stick with me for an eternity, and before people start saying you can’t let this be my legacy instead I have to move on and live my life and I have a right to be happy. It will come to that, and I am building back up to this, and blocking out the let down and the hurt I have experienced from the past but also the most recent let downs too. Where I have had to say goodbye to a former best friend as others are put as a priority and being forced to constantly wait just for a bit of time, I have to put myself first and don’t get me wrong, people have a right to have a life and enjoy themselves and get to do whatever they want to do and spend time with. It’s just don’t organise something and then let me down even more and have the time for others, plans can change last minute, there should be a conversation and even if it was a catch up over coffee its’ an amazing thing.

Time to Change current campaign is #smallthing.  The small thing campaign is doing a small thing for someone else, this could be a cup of tea, or asking how someone is. It could be anything at all but it’s just a small moment for someone else showing compassion and empathy and just showing some care and interest in your general wellbeing.

I will always live with the shame of some decision but today is a new day and every day is a start over. The past can’t be re written and it is a piece of the jigsaw the sums you up it will always be the odd shaped one that will stick out like a sore thumb but it will influence what has happened and the future as a learning curve where I will know how to deal with a situation if it ever presents itself again.

I am ONE, I am living, and I am SURVIV;NG