Hello…

 

The choice to fight or run is immense when you have a recovery to face. The choice can sometimes be a matter of life.

best-love-quotes-never-let-your-loyalty-make-a-fool-of-you

As we stand for the future how do we know what the demons will be doing, as mental illness doesn’t clear up and it’s gone. It has the same staying power as cancer, it only takes a matter of a switch being flipped. That switch is all that is keeping you on the path you are on, but the choice isn’t always that clear or easy.

FB_IMG_1446036427915When my heart was broken it has taken me months to recover, and begin this journey and actually take notice of the problem, the pretence that I was ok was on the outside but inside my heart was broken and a piece of me is always going to be lost formally owned by another.  A piece not too big, just a small piece that will never heal.

 

Three little words have so much meaning but can also mean so little to someone else. Some people will say it freely and some will never admit their feelings. While others will say it freely and not mean a word and instead they will are putting it down to what they think people want to hear. But that can have costly consequences for someone.

Ianti_bullying_poster_by_thewillowwitch-d2h2rf55 have lost a few pieces of my heart that I will never get back. Each moment I wake up and think back to what 2015 has been and has brought the dark unhappy thoughts are getting further & further away. Pieces of me have to leave the memories back there. I have so much to be thankful for and for people that have started to flood my heart. I have always been a family focused guy, and I do step away from people, this can be for a variety of reasons. To some people I wish I saw more and more.

Finally facing up to this illness and admitting I needed to challenge it instead of letting it take away the final piece of me. Without my family and most importantly my mum & aunt I don’t know if I would have been able to ask for help on that day. As my heart was destroyed with one move and some twists of the knife it took my energy to ask and tell people. The hardest call I have ever had to make was to call my mum and tell her of what nearly happened. It was that moment hearing my mum crying even though she was trying not to.

2015-11-22 16.41.28Now I am three month on I have gone back to normality as much as I can. With I am now back to work fully. They have been really supportive, a few people know what has happened and I managed to tell someone what nearly happened. While others know I have been off for depression they check how I am doing but they don’t chase me for information instead they allow me to decide what I divulge, just general conversation about what is happening and how I feel. Being on the other side of the path not looking at the darkness at the moment, which could be a simple approach of the medication but also how I can talk to people easily now compared to before where my big fear earlier this year would be to talk or even go into a new situation with the unknown. I have met and started talking to so many new people over the past two months alone, trying to find a piece of me that has been lost for quite a few years, and in some cases it is coming back slowly and it is definitely feeling like the person I was in 2013.  This weekend I have met   my best friends new other half, even while I am dealing with a cold that is taking full control of my chest now.

FB_IMG_1447532818303We are as a whole all trying to recover from events great or small. It doesn’t matter how we get to the final goal as long as you reach it. From the 30th August the situation I have had to take a step back and create distance and remain far away from some people. Which was and is still the hardest decision I have had to make for a long time. I have had to start fresh, and make the call to begin over. This has been time for me to heal and to re-evaluate what is important and who is important. I have looked at my phone hundreds of times and looked back at the messages & pictures, I can see how the illness took over and started to destroy that relationship. Admitting I have had some influential people during the time affecting my mood. From the outside of the illness and the moment the illness is no longer dictating what I will achieve, nor will I let others influence my life that don’t deserve my friendship or time.

I am on the other side, with my heart repairing slowly, one day it will be whole. It will have a scar from the past but that scar will just be a mere memory in the past.

I am ONE.  #Hellofromtheotherside.

Advertisements

Stand

 

“When people hurt you over and over, think of them like sand paper. They may scratch and hurt you a bit, but in the end, you end up polished and they end up useless.” Chris Colfer

Society has evolved to the point we no longer have bullies who just hurt you physically but now we have the emotional bullies those that pick at your emotions. Sadly the evolution has taken a new and drastic turn we now have the Keyboard Warrior those that take to Social media to voice an opinion about what is going on. This is happening more and more especially when we you don’t get what we want. People now take to twitter or Facebook to complain about bad service or something they dislike. Some say a blog can be a keyboard warrior in places as people might not see what is being written unless they are aware.

2015-11-24 13.52.57Sometimes people turn to social media as a way to vent and they lose the filter that stops them from going off in one extreme to another where the control is lost. When people are in social situations, where it’s one on one, the situation can go a variety of ways from being quite calm to a volatile, situation.  But what would you do if you witness a situation, would you Stand up and defend or would you sit back?

2015-11-14 00.09.57The world is currently watching every movement and motion around Paris. From the bombings to the lights in Paris on the Eiffel tower being turned off. While the world turned there lights on in support. For the first time in a number of years we stood together and supported each other. Social media joined the movement with Facebook helping us support the fallen from this devastation and those who are loving through it. A few days before we marked Armistice Day with a 2 minute silence around the UK. The moment the world war last shots were fired and the war was over. Now we have witnessed the moment the world stood still again. 10 years after the war on London. 14 years since the beginning of the war on terror begun. There have been a number of events over the world all the time. But this hasn’t been mentioned as much these major events. The world is standing up against terrorism. It isn’t about religion it is about extremist views and willing to destroy the world we know of today.

In the past, it has taken many different battles and many different fights, and for a while I was always the victim. I have been in a physical bullied growing up at school. To the emotional abuse I have suffered by the hands of my ex but also other people I have let in. Using manipulation and greed for their own benefit. For this year the bully within my head which has its own vendetta. This vendetta is the depression and the battle on Mental Health Illness. I have dealt with the manipulators and the fogginess.  This is my war and my battle but I am still standing up against it, and those that influence and encourage the progression of the war to try and take hold again. For the war to win I would have to lay down and let it consume my being and be willing for it to destroy every last piece of my heart and soul.

2015-11-22 13.10.40For #IamONE, those that I have written about are aware of what is said. I don’t sit behind a blog I am very much open to opinions and to be judged by my writing but also in life. I know what I stand for and who I am now. But also recent events brings attention to the battles and sometime the places to air dirty laundry isn’t on any form of media but instead it is best to be the bigger man/woman and take the step back. Our own opinions can make a judgement but does the world need to know how we think? The irony of that is of course me writing about it via Word Press. Sometimes we just need to leave the past where it belongs. Not in today’s realm nor in tomorrows it belongs back when it happened.

anti_bullying_poster_by_thewillowwitch-d2h2rf55With battles like this against the unknown it takes a lot of fight and strength to get through the next hour. Sometime you need to know you have someone there standing next you to help get through with the difficulties, this could involve just being the end of the phone, being physically there.  Standing up for what is right and wrong, are the basics we all learn from being a child. Sometimes what might feel right could be completely wrong especially for the health & wellbeing. Stand up for your own wellbeing and sometimes you can’t have someone to stand with you when you say “Enough is enough.” Once we reach this level of standing up, it will hurt and the pain will be like no other. Until you have made that cut and decided what the future will hold.

keyword-stratgeyWe as people all have the empathy to a level that we are comfortable, this is where we are facing the decision to Stand up and be heard. But then some choose to stay sitting. If you go on YouTube and look at some of the incidences when someone turns on another that have been recorded by the general public. Some of people will support the person under attack, but then there are still some who will avoid getting involved.

Oprah-Winfrey-quoteFor me I will always stand for what I believe in and I will hold my hands up when I am wrong. I will stand with those that cannot stand anymore with their fight against mental health.

This is who I am, this is my battle to bring the end to the war on my own illness.

I will STAND for what is right. Will you?

 

I am ONE & I will STAND!

 

 

 

Home

 

Home is where the heart is.

2015-11-15 18.58.21Some people will move and move and move until they find what they are looking for. Some will just stay where they think is best what they want as their home. But is home really where you begin your journey into this world?

Home can sometimes be somewhere you don’t expect, or it could be somewhere you already knew. When you deal with illness Home is sometimes the place you least want to be, especially when you are on your own. Home is the last place you want to be when everything seems to be falling apart. When you lose your way and your path home isn’t always healthy to be.

FB_IMG_1446314510627For me, I grew up in leafy town in London, with my family, exploring West London. Until I started work I would travel with my mum and dad abroad and home was always with my mum and dad and my Nan. When I lost my Nan I home when not at school. Over the years I started to travel more with work. I visited different parts of the country until my mum moved out of London to her new home and I moved in with my cousin. I started to travel at my aunts more. Until I lost my father I didn’t travel as much as I would have liked.  I slowly started to travel more with going on holiday, going to Edinburgh, Norfolk, Brighton, Glasgow, eventually I ended up here in Manchester. Slowly falling in love with the beauty this city has. I eventually decided it is a place I could live.

FB_IMG_1445800313476Well I moved and took one of the biggest adventures, I started again! I left everything I have ever known left retail being a store manager left my family. I left HOME.

Over the course of the past 14 months, I have seen more than my fair share of ups and downs, where I have had to find somewhere that I can call Home. Manchester/ London, they are both amazing places. Being with my mum, my aunt or my cousins, they will always be a place I can feel safe and they will be one of my homes. Since the 30th August, my home, is somewhere I am meant to feel safe and secure and happy. When I started this recovery and road to self-discovery, I found my home in Manchester I have finally accepted is safe and this is my home.

When I took the break away to start this recovery and remove the isolation I was putting myself in, with people not being around but choice but also for the unknowing of what to say or do. I found new places of safety, with people I have grown close to and got to know. Each time I visit, I am treated as if I am part of the furniture. So for me, a home isn’t just mine, it is all the places I have been welcomed into.

 

2015-11-16 22.14.55Every times I visit Phil & Scott or Rob & John I have felt safe and protected. In a way I enter into the bubble that I started to feel alive, and part of their home. I have never been so thankful to have not just the 4 amazing people I have in my life, alongside my family. But also my other friends who are part of my life.  When I count all the actual homes I have I have more than I have ever thought I would have had. Most people will have 1-4 homes, and I have roughly 8 homes. Those that know me, or are getting to know me will know I have a lot of care for people and those that have stood with me and supported me during this long and slow process, nothing I can say will truly show you how much I appreciate everything you have done for me. Thank you, you have helped me stand up and not hide away from reality.

2015-11-05 20.50.13Life isn’t about where you begin this journey nor is it about where it ends, it’s where you find the places you feel safe. Even when I am on my own there is no fear or judgement within these four walls instead there is comfort. Feeling the insecurities that these walls are becoming a prison when instead of the walls closing in on me suffocating the breath out of me. Now they are pushing further and further apart opening up the luxury that is freedom. With everything that is going on and the voices that appear and haunt, when I close the front door behind me it’s the same with the voices where it is an opportunity to close the door on them. This is a sanctuary and when I am with people they are part of my sanctuary. They make me feel safe and comfortable and not as if I am invading their lives and include me in what is going on.

My multiple homes bring a smile to my face thinking about them and those who are a part of them.

I can put my hand on my heart and say I am finally safe and I am HOME & I am ONE!

Giants

2015-11-14 15.10.10

Sometimes loving someone is the hardest part, as they never leave your heart but they do your life”

Giants, the tallest of them all but does that mean the people who are 6 foot 6 or more or how about those people who stand tall and become the “Giants” within their existence. In the “Ghosts” blog I mentioned about how people could be in a room and the 5 seconds of change can happen, I know I have been there, where the whole room is talking and within 2 seconds I have the voice doubting what I am doing.

Life can throw many spanners into things and you never know how they will turn out until the biggest battle you could face.  Sometimes those battles can take a lot to face and admitting that sometimes the people involved in the battle will either safety net or they can be the cause of the battle.  It takes a lot to admit when you love someone and it feels normal and natural and if you actually mean it. It doesn’t have to be a partner but it could be how much you love a friend.  Then suddenly they are no longer there, due to a falling out. Sometimes it can be complicated and the emotions involved in the fall out of the cause can ripple through other people’s lives.

11221662_10153721450994938_2880797167392681469_n

If we look at current events the war on terror has re awoken from the terrible act carried out allegedly by ISIS. The terror trying to make society smaller than it is and instead of the GIANT we all are. The world has gone into shock and we stand united a rare moment within society that those who try to make us small and suppress the human emotion. We rarely come together but when we do, we do it properly.  #westandunited #turnonthelights

Sometimes people will come into our lives and we will wonder how on earth did we cope and survive without them. On occasion they will be there for life, but then some will only be a part of your life for a brief moment. Sometimes they will have shaped your life for the better and sometimes for the worst.

2015-11-14 15.05.57

This week has been a hard week with anniversaries. sometimes people can influence the mood of what your day will be. and how it will be for the day. Those people can make you feel great or as if you are  smaller than you really are. For me I have face this week, where a big anniversary came and some influencing factors changed my mood from being how I was. To suddenly letting in the voices and I have blocked out for nearly 3 months. They slowly started to flood back and take a piece of me with them thoughts and voices. For me I have achieved 2 big goals, that I am really happy with.

  1. Going out the office without putting my iPod on but also keeping it off when I was coming back in.
  2. Sitting at my desk during the 2 minute silence. This is a huge thing for me as I remember where I was when the 2 minutes back in 2006.

From this I was reeling, but when I went on lunch I asked everyone and especially the person. I went back to putting my iPod on and ignoring the world. Which I really wanted to avoid as I want to be moving forward. When I went to get my lunch I usually would be willing to take my earphones out if someone speaks to me but I refused when I had a chugger asking me questions when all I wanted to do was get away from the office. I had to remember the steps I have learnt from therapy, and considered the mindfulness. You see with me I was brought up with manners, even if I dislike someone I won’t go against my morals or my self-respect. Sometimes I regret the odd slip but I try to ensure I don’t exclude people. The exclusion is something that hurts more than anything else. As what does anyone gain from excluding others unless it is for a proper reason?

2015-11-10 10.28.10I was talking with Rob on Saturday as Ghost was a hard blog to write, probably one of the hardest I have written. While we were talking it came to me, we live our lives to be who we want to be, and sometimes people won’t understand who that is, but really we don’t know who we really want to be we are still learning every day and every moment is a new learning experience. We only live once and as long as we are happy, honest and good people why should anyone judge our decision except for us.

I am tired of feeling small as if everything this year is my fault, or I am taking accountability for events that were beyond my control. I will always admit when I am wrong and I have done this year, and sometimes I am the easy target, as I considerate and sensitive to other people and I will be there for people. Something I inherited from my family and especially my dad. Slight difference I can and will say No!

2015-11-06 07.54.24Now I am at the point where I say goodbye to those that treat me badly, have cast the stones of judgement. As I am never going to be right for you, but really you are never going to be right for me. If you have entered my heart and those who know me will know if they have, it breaks when I have to consider never seeing them again as the person I once counted on, but my heart and my soul will heal as I am not small I am a GIANT and I will stand tall and take control of my life. This part of the path just needs the break you never know where the path will lead to in the future. For now I close the door on this part of my life. Sad that I have lost piece of my heart, but one day it may be repaired.

To those that have lost and been felt small because of someone else, remember you are you and nothing anyone else says they don’t know what you stand for! As today and tomorrow and forever we will be amazing! And no one can take that way!

WE ARE ONE! We are GIANTS and we will Stand Tall!

Ghost

2015-11-12 18.45.34

“Life after death, ashes to ashes dust to dust”

The moment when you look in the mirror and you don’t see the same image. You instead see a fuzzy part of you the “ghost” of what you once where and the person looking back at you is the person this illness is taking over your presence.

When you go through with the a low point in your life and you see the part of you is lost and is separating away from that shell was you staying behind and staring back at you is the person you don’t know. Very solid and very much different from who you would have been before the illness took control. You would have seen the signs the more and more there is two versions of you forming the true you and the imposter that is forming before your eyes even when you think you aren’t changing into this different person who no one would recognise as you.

2015-11-06 21.05.06Have you ever been in a room full of people and you put on the image that you are happy and content laughing and smiling. But within 2 seconds of laughing you can’t remember why you are laughing or what others are smiling and doing talking to you. Over the 5 seconds you will go through a multitude of emotions, that make you just wish you could curl up and hide and no one would see you. That fake smile that is plastered on your face is slowly cracking and it feels like no one can see beyond the cracks that you just need someone to be there. Who can help you to truly smile and also help get you through those 5 seconds.

The past has a way of coming back and reminding you what has happened and the steps and what you have been through. From time to time you hold on to the scars and wounds and try to fight against the past re awakening out of the blue it will show up and make you wonder “What if” and how life could have been very different. Sometimes for the good and the bad but also that sliding doors moment. What if you did follow the ghost path and changed beyond any recognition what then? For ever set back there is the possibility it can awaken the dormant part of you who fights back from being pushed to the side and takes back what is making you hang on in there. Nothing will be able to replace those memories and no miracle will be able to fix the cracks that are appearing within your life without your own fight.

tumblr_ntngqyIozg1ue3y84o1_500For me this week has been a hard week with 2 big anniversaries with my past being re awoken, the ghosts of those moments where my dad turned from being a fully capable of doing day to day activities to paralysed and not being able to do anything significant for himself. To my grandads passing. I was very young when I lost my grandad, and I only got to experience small portions of time with him. For my grandad I couldn’t say his name due to a speech impediment but instead of saying his name I called him grandad pops, he has always been grandad pops ever since. I got to draw at my grandads and spend time with him. He passed away 22 years ago from cancer.

Some of the wounds from my dad’s accident and the isolation I suffered by my own hands but also by some other factors. Never being able to turn to people because I didn’t want to be a hindrances or for people to worry about me. When they have so much going on within their own lives, and create this “ghost” version of me, never really know who I am or what I really am into. For people my age finding their identity comes over a course of time, finding those pieces that make them whole. But every time you have a low the pieces shatter and you have to rebuild who you are.

fight-for-what-you-love-and-do-whatever-it-takes-to-be-happy-quote-1From the big event of August I have been healing repairing the true me, and breaking the ghost version of me down and standing tall over the adversity that is Depression and mental health! Even when people forget their involvement and the factors I swore to myself I wouldn’t give up, and I would fight through the darkness and fight to get back to the light that is life. I will and am going to win. I am going to remember parts of me I want to remember and the one big part of me is I have manners, always have and always will. I won’t isolate others and I will always be there for people even when my world is so fragile. That will never change.

The strength to get out of bed every single day and say no I will not submit I will be me and I will beat this, no matter how much you wish you could just stay in bed and watch the world fly by. The people your hurting isn’t just you it is also everyone that cares about you. I’m not proud of what nearly happened where the darkness nearly took me, but I am not embarrassed by it instead I have spoken freely about it and admitted and confronted the darkness.

“It takes courage not to act on the darkness, not to act on the darkness.”

One person can save you from the isolation that has been created and the distance and damage that could have been created, and that is YOU!

2015-11-07 23.23.48

I am ONE and I am not a GHOST I am a SURVIV ( ; ) R and I will get back on my feet.

View

IMG-20150616-WA0005Do you remember when you hurt so much you felt as if you were falling to pieces? That one memory that always haunts you when you least want it to come back and it hurts more than ever originally did.

“One Day someone is going to hug you so tight that all your broken pieces will stick back together.”

With every break up or emotional moment they have can hurt and add to a scars we try to forget. Sadly every scar can be reopened at with a simple flick of a switch.  That moment you realise that sometimes, these moments within our past have to have happened as they create who we are.

images (2)For me I have experienced the emotion that others, forget the emotion involved with getting close to someone. The impact on the other person when the feelings are reciprocated, but also the damage it can have on someone. Even when they aren’t facing a battle like depression, those who are on a similar path and recovery from these ups and downs of the emotion that you go through.

Sometimes you just have to say “that’s it, enough is enough” finding that self-belief and self-confidence to finally take control of everything that is going on and end what negativity that is going on in your own life. Breaking that negative spiral and turning it around and working your way back up the spiral.

Past few months, I have seen more than my fair share of the spiral. Just trying to find the strength to get out of bed and no longer hide under the duvet. For those days where the dark shadows and heavy clouds rolling in to block out the rays of light. Every single day I fought with my demons my emotions. Trying to put to bed what was and has happened. From my dad’s accident remembering every moment of that night, tying into the Remembrance Day in 2006. Which also reminds me of my outing from my father’s brother on New Year day. When I turned 20 it was an eventful year as I dealt with everything including being forgotten about by friends.  I watched my father implode when everything he knew changed for a multiple of factors. Back then I blamed myself for my father’s condition as I moved him twice after he fell down the stairs. Little did I know then as I do now that he severed the spinal cord and broke 3 vertebrae’s and paralysing himself in a seconds of flipping the switch!

FB_IMG_1445800313476Life can sometimes throw rocks at you and sometimes they hurt and sometimes they are small pebbles that are blips on the radar they don’t hurt as much but they sting, with the occasional trip in the road. Every rock or boulder thrown could break apiece of you. But they can’t destroy you if you don’t let it.

Someone said to me you need to write about the future, well I can’t write about the future fully as I don’t know what it will bring. I do know a few things, I am going to be 30 in 2 months, and I am going to close my 29th year and the past 10 years and leave them in the years that has cost me a lot over the years. I am going to enjoy being 30, with those I count as friends, but also I am going to count one. I am also going to keep out of the drama that comes with being a grown up, not just being a gay, just the drama of life seemingly is normal.

“Look deep within your heart as you never know the strength you ever had. “

Every time you fight it through the pain and the suffering from a setback you have to dig deep and fight through and find the answers, sometimes those answers might not be what you want to hear or see. But has to be that way and it can be changed with every decision.

To some I will never be good enough to please them, and I won’t be fighting for their approval instead they can fight for mine. And if they don’t who does it hurt as it won’t be me.

I am never going to be one who can toot my horn, and big up how great I am. I’m just not that person, sometimes I can lose who I am and forget what I have achieved in the short and long term. As I write this I feel my life going back to how I felt in august, not being worthy for people as I am the person who is forgotten. To change this feeling I know there are many other people who are feeling exactly the same way and they haven’t got the opportunity to voice it like I have with a blog instead they have to vent it outwards to friends or to some they keep it inside and let it help themselves implode, through their own pain and suffering.

But this is me. cropped-2015-10-02-10-59-45.jpg

I am ONE

Emotions

images (3)When you have a mental health illness a simple sum like 1+1 doesn’t equal 2 instead it will equal 5. This is because within the suffers head they will be dealing with logic, anxiety, emotions, voices, lack of confidence & loss of identity. Depression does not discriminate it is one of those equal opportunists illness.

“Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way. Ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.” – Deepak Chopra

Life can take a drastic change every single day you wake up, you never know what could or what could happen. No one knows but the voices within you tell you it will be much worse than it actually is. But here is the kicker, life is actually set to test and it is good to have some anxiety and worry is good to maintain a health mind. As it educates your brain you’re alive, and you have emotions. But you still have to be comfortable to challenge the emotion.

Your reaction is the biggest sign of how you really are. People will see your body language, your eyes, your Personality can vary and you lose what you hope you represent. With no one seeing you or the illness as they don’t want anyone to notice there is something wrong or you’re not well. People talk and sometimes they don’t actually say it directly to them, it can be through words to others.

Sometimes the sufferer will take it out on people and the words can be vengeful, destructive unknowingly letting the illness out and take full control. Once that moment hits, the emotion of anger has been unleashed and it destroys every wall that you once had up and instead now you have blown apart the world that you once held tight, with people you counted and held close. Then they are gone, because you have pushed them so far away that those words are no longer just words they are daggers cutting shreds into the once close friend and they will never see you the same way. As you can’t be the same person as that same person has an illness, and if you want to be free of the illness you can’t be the same person. Instead you have to create the person you want to be.

From time to time it will clear and the clouds will separate and sunshine and light will flood in and that hope returns, and then the clouds will come back quicker then they parted.

images (1)Words can be also be a saviour at the same time. Look at this blog it has saved me more than I know and possible others who are also on their road to recovery.  Every time I consider what could have happened 2 months ago I feel the sadness that I let this illness take me to that point of darkness. But looking at the person I am becoming slowly and every single day I am turning into the Alex I want to be.

I admit I have so much more to learn and accept what happened and how I have to accept each day it’s about the reaction to set backs that will always set me apart from the new and old versions. It takes a lot to admit what is wrong with you and what is going on in your head and this is the hardest part, as how can you tell others what is going on in there when you don’t even know?!

If I FB_IMG_1446146263759was asked 3 months ago if I was ok I would say the classic “I’m fine” never admitted or saying “No, I feel lost, and depressed but don’t ask me why I feel depressed as I don’t know.” The classic line of I am fine is always going to be the instant barrier and safety net for everyone to use. As it’s a defence, you don’t want to always admit, there is a problem. As admitting means it exists and it is no longer just in the background.
Sometimes though words from others can be used to attack the person who is suffering from this silent killer. Others will use vindictive, destructive attacks on others to gain an advantage. And it’s not about blaming those who are attacking other and taking those words, but they do hurt and they do harm. The harm can plant a seed of doubt, and fear from what if others are actually thinking or treating you.

Earlier this year back in February, I faced the fear of darkness and contemplated if it was the right to even still be here. I pushed away people closest and I broke down more and more and isolated myself away and lashed out. Which I am not proud of. Someone who was facing their own battle advised me about this book which comes as a video on YouTube.

I had a black dog, his name was depression”

The silver lining from this first step was I started to seek help, I started counselling through works Employee Assistance Programme which most companies have available or GP will be able to support a counselling referral. I also had a few dear friends become more prominent in my life, I have mentioned them in here before of Phil & Scott, and John. Also in a way it helped me break down my stubbornness and approach Kev and speak to him again as we hadn’t spoken since my birthday.

FB_IMG_1446365006602Then to the most recent event where I have gone beyond what I contemplated and nearly did do, and asking for help more than ever before. I took time off from work, which I have always said I would never do, I started a medicated treatment plan, separating myself away from home while I find some strength. I continues with my Cognitive Behaviour therapy treatment and begun to slowly started to embrace the illness and fight it. As I am ONE was born from the fight. To now going back to work, phased to start with and now I am back full time, completed my CBT treatment. My doctor is happy with my progression and has commented on how different I am from early September.

People have noticed I am not the same as before I went off, but also before I joined work, as I haven’t really stopped and accepted what is going on inside me. This wasn’t because of anyone expectations of me, just my own expectations of I have to be perfect at everything and I have to be brilliant. But I can’t be brilliant & perfect from day one and I have never wanted to be this before when I joined.

The road to recovery is a long and winding road, and right now I am at the high of the road, and fully aware the low could come at any point, but I am enjoying being happy.

To anyone who is on this road, don’t be afraid to speak up, don’t be alone, and never feel the voices know what is best for you. If the battle is getting to much SPEAK UP a message and letter a sign that you need help is all it takes. Never feel alone as you aren’t!  This illness will not dictate who we will be tomorrow or today. As today we are……UNITED.
images (6)

I am ONE today and tomorrow I will be a SURVIV( ; )R