images (3)When you have a mental health illness a simple sum like 1+1 doesn’t equal 2 instead it will equal 5. This is because within the suffers head they will be dealing with logic, anxiety, emotions, voices, lack of confidence & loss of identity. Depression does not discriminate it is one of those equal opportunists illness.

“Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way. Ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.” – Deepak Chopra

Life can take a drastic change every single day you wake up, you never know what could or what could happen. No one knows but the voices within you tell you it will be much worse than it actually is. But here is the kicker, life is actually set to test and it is good to have some anxiety and worry is good to maintain a health mind. As it educates your brain you’re alive, and you have emotions. But you still have to be comfortable to challenge the emotion.

Your reaction is the biggest sign of how you really are. People will see your body language, your eyes, your Personality can vary and you lose what you hope you represent. With no one seeing you or the illness as they don’t want anyone to notice there is something wrong or you’re not well. People talk and sometimes they don’t actually say it directly to them, it can be through words to others.

Sometimes the sufferer will take it out on people and the words can be vengeful, destructive unknowingly letting the illness out and take full control. Once that moment hits, the emotion of anger has been unleashed and it destroys every wall that you once had up and instead now you have blown apart the world that you once held tight, with people you counted and held close. Then they are gone, because you have pushed them so far away that those words are no longer just words they are daggers cutting shreds into the once close friend and they will never see you the same way. As you can’t be the same person as that same person has an illness, and if you want to be free of the illness you can’t be the same person. Instead you have to create the person you want to be.

From time to time it will clear and the clouds will separate and sunshine and light will flood in and that hope returns, and then the clouds will come back quicker then they parted.

images (1)Words can be also be a saviour at the same time. Look at this blog it has saved me more than I know and possible others who are also on their road to recovery.  Every time I consider what could have happened 2 months ago I feel the sadness that I let this illness take me to that point of darkness. But looking at the person I am becoming slowly and every single day I am turning into the Alex I want to be.

I admit I have so much more to learn and accept what happened and how I have to accept each day it’s about the reaction to set backs that will always set me apart from the new and old versions. It takes a lot to admit what is wrong with you and what is going on in your head and this is the hardest part, as how can you tell others what is going on in there when you don’t even know?!

If I FB_IMG_1446146263759was asked 3 months ago if I was ok I would say the classic “I’m fine” never admitted or saying “No, I feel lost, and depressed but don’t ask me why I feel depressed as I don’t know.” The classic line of I am fine is always going to be the instant barrier and safety net for everyone to use. As it’s a defence, you don’t want to always admit, there is a problem. As admitting means it exists and it is no longer just in the background.
Sometimes though words from others can be used to attack the person who is suffering from this silent killer. Others will use vindictive, destructive attacks on others to gain an advantage. And it’s not about blaming those who are attacking other and taking those words, but they do hurt and they do harm. The harm can plant a seed of doubt, and fear from what if others are actually thinking or treating you.

Earlier this year back in February, I faced the fear of darkness and contemplated if it was the right to even still be here. I pushed away people closest and I broke down more and more and isolated myself away and lashed out. Which I am not proud of. Someone who was facing their own battle advised me about this book which comes as a video on YouTube.

I had a black dog, his name was depression”

The silver lining from this first step was I started to seek help, I started counselling through works Employee Assistance Programme which most companies have available or GP will be able to support a counselling referral. I also had a few dear friends become more prominent in my life, I have mentioned them in here before of Phil & Scott, and John. Also in a way it helped me break down my stubbornness and approach Kev and speak to him again as we hadn’t spoken since my birthday.

FB_IMG_1446365006602Then to the most recent event where I have gone beyond what I contemplated and nearly did do, and asking for help more than ever before. I took time off from work, which I have always said I would never do, I started a medicated treatment plan, separating myself away from home while I find some strength. I continues with my Cognitive Behaviour therapy treatment and begun to slowly started to embrace the illness and fight it. As I am ONE was born from the fight. To now going back to work, phased to start with and now I am back full time, completed my CBT treatment. My doctor is happy with my progression and has commented on how different I am from early September.

People have noticed I am not the same as before I went off, but also before I joined work, as I haven’t really stopped and accepted what is going on inside me. This wasn’t because of anyone expectations of me, just my own expectations of I have to be perfect at everything and I have to be brilliant. But I can’t be brilliant & perfect from day one and I have never wanted to be this before when I joined.

The road to recovery is a long and winding road, and right now I am at the high of the road, and fully aware the low could come at any point, but I am enjoying being happy.

To anyone who is on this road, don’t be afraid to speak up, don’t be alone, and never feel the voices know what is best for you. If the battle is getting to much SPEAK UP a message and letter a sign that you need help is all it takes. Never feel alone as you aren’t!  This illness will not dictate who we will be tomorrow or today. As today we are……UNITED.
images (6)

I am ONE today and tomorrow I will be a SURVIV( ; )R


One comment

  1. Sue · November 6, 2015

    It is pleasing as a mother to read and see the difference in your attitude and approach to the ‘darkness’. The old saying ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ is so very true, we all have varying degrees of shade/darkness some far greater than others, but it is always there. To try and think positive, turning the negative to the positive helps to realise that, yes there is another side to your feelings.

    We learn from our mistakes, another old saying that proves so very true. Life is about learning it never ever stops. We learn to be there for the person we love and care for, and always hope that they realise you are here and this will never change. For you are part of me and always will be.

    ‘Honesty is the best policy’ again another old saying, to be honest with ones self puts things into prospective. Helping to understand and put our feelings on the right shelves, and in the order they should be. But to understand why they are where they are gives you the satisfaction of seeing this clearer. Owning up to ones mistakes and regrets helps the healing process.

    You are who you are, a stronger person.


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