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IMG-20150616-WA0005Do you remember when you hurt so much you felt as if you were falling to pieces? That one memory that always haunts you when you least want it to come back and it hurts more than ever originally did.

“One Day someone is going to hug you so tight that all your broken pieces will stick back together.”

With every break up or emotional moment they have can hurt and add to a scars we try to forget. Sadly every scar can be reopened at with a simple flick of a switch.  That moment you realise that sometimes, these moments within our past have to have happened as they create who we are.

images (2)For me I have experienced the emotion that others, forget the emotion involved with getting close to someone. The impact on the other person when the feelings are reciprocated, but also the damage it can have on someone. Even when they aren’t facing a battle like depression, those who are on a similar path and recovery from these ups and downs of the emotion that you go through.

Sometimes you just have to say “that’s it, enough is enough” finding that self-belief and self-confidence to finally take control of everything that is going on and end what negativity that is going on in your own life. Breaking that negative spiral and turning it around and working your way back up the spiral.

Past few months, I have seen more than my fair share of the spiral. Just trying to find the strength to get out of bed and no longer hide under the duvet. For those days where the dark shadows and heavy clouds rolling in to block out the rays of light. Every single day I fought with my demons my emotions. Trying to put to bed what was and has happened. From my dad’s accident remembering every moment of that night, tying into the Remembrance Day in 2006. Which also reminds me of my outing from my father’s brother on New Year day. When I turned 20 it was an eventful year as I dealt with everything including being forgotten about by friends.  I watched my father implode when everything he knew changed for a multiple of factors. Back then I blamed myself for my father’s condition as I moved him twice after he fell down the stairs. Little did I know then as I do now that he severed the spinal cord and broke 3 vertebrae’s and paralysing himself in a seconds of flipping the switch!

FB_IMG_1445800313476Life can sometimes throw rocks at you and sometimes they hurt and sometimes they are small pebbles that are blips on the radar they don’t hurt as much but they sting, with the occasional trip in the road. Every rock or boulder thrown could break apiece of you. But they can’t destroy you if you don’t let it.

Someone said to me you need to write about the future, well I can’t write about the future fully as I don’t know what it will bring. I do know a few things, I am going to be 30 in 2 months, and I am going to close my 29th year and the past 10 years and leave them in the years that has cost me a lot over the years. I am going to enjoy being 30, with those I count as friends, but also I am going to count one. I am also going to keep out of the drama that comes with being a grown up, not just being a gay, just the drama of life seemingly is normal.

“Look deep within your heart as you never know the strength you ever had. “

Every time you fight it through the pain and the suffering from a setback you have to dig deep and fight through and find the answers, sometimes those answers might not be what you want to hear or see. But has to be that way and it can be changed with every decision.

To some I will never be good enough to please them, and I won’t be fighting for their approval instead they can fight for mine. And if they don’t who does it hurt as it won’t be me.

I am never going to be one who can toot my horn, and big up how great I am. I’m just not that person, sometimes I can lose who I am and forget what I have achieved in the short and long term. As I write this I feel my life going back to how I felt in august, not being worthy for people as I am the person who is forgotten. To change this feeling I know there are many other people who are feeling exactly the same way and they haven’t got the opportunity to voice it like I have with a blog instead they have to vent it outwards to friends or to some they keep it inside and let it help themselves implode, through their own pain and suffering.

But this is me. cropped-2015-10-02-10-59-45.jpg

I am ONE

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One comment

  1. Sue · November 10, 2015

    Oh my love, the feelings you are feeling are normal! We all have them to varying degrees. I am not worthy of their friendships, then we take a step back and reality dawns, they are not worthy of my friendship or my respect. I am worth far far more, and this is the case with you. We learn to face things in a different way which helps us to tolerate their unreasonable behaviour.

    We are all different, some brag of their achievements and boast of what they have done, preening like peacocks, but does this really bring them respect. Others like you achieve their aims in a quiet positive way, the people who matter know this and they respect you for being you and not a ‘peacock’. Its a long way to fall and the landing is usually hard as the ‘peacocks’ feel they are immortal and the bump will hurt.

    Respect has to be earned and you have managed this so well by learning to love yourself, and being the person you are. I am so proud of what you have achieved and overcome, thank you for being my lovely, beautiful strong tall son. It is a pleasure and joy being your mother.

    Like

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