The choice to fight or run is immense when you have a recovery to face. The choice can sometimes be a matter of life.
As we stand for the future how do we know what the demons will be doing, as mental illness doesn’t clear up and it’s gone. It has the same staying power as cancer, it only takes a matter of a switch being flipped. That switch is all that is keeping you on the path you are on, but the choice isn’t always that clear or easy.
When my heart was broken it has taken me months to recover, and begin this journey and actually take notice of the problem, the pretence that I was ok was on the outside but inside my heart was broken and a piece of me is always going to be lost formally owned by another. A piece not too big, just a small piece that will never heal.
Three little words have so much meaning but can also mean so little to someone else. Some people will say it freely and some will never admit their feelings. While others will say it freely and not mean a word and instead they will are putting it down to what they think people want to hear. But that can have costly consequences for someone.
I have lost a few pieces of my heart that I will never get back. Each moment I wake up and think back to what 2015 has been and has brought the dark unhappy thoughts are getting further & further away. Pieces of me have to leave the memories back there. I have so much to be thankful for and for people that have started to flood my heart. I have always been a family focused guy, and I do step away from people, this can be for a variety of reasons. To some people I wish I saw more and more.
Finally facing up to this illness and admitting I needed to challenge it instead of letting it take away the final piece of me. Without my family and most importantly my mum & aunt I don’t know if I would have been able to ask for help on that day. As my heart was destroyed with one move and some twists of the knife it took my energy to ask and tell people. The hardest call I have ever had to make was to call my mum and tell her of what nearly happened. It was that moment hearing my mum crying even though she was trying not to.
Now I am three month on I have gone back to normality as much as I can. With I am now back to work fully. They have been really supportive, a few people know what has happened and I managed to tell someone what nearly happened. While others know I have been off for depression they check how I am doing but they don’t chase me for information instead they allow me to decide what I divulge, just general conversation about what is happening and how I feel. Being on the other side of the path not looking at the darkness at the moment, which could be a simple approach of the medication but also how I can talk to people easily now compared to before where my big fear earlier this year would be to talk or even go into a new situation with the unknown. I have met and started talking to so many new people over the past two months alone, trying to find a piece of me that has been lost for quite a few years, and in some cases it is coming back slowly and it is definitely feeling like the person I was in 2013. This weekend I have met my best friends new other half, even while I am dealing with a cold that is taking full control of my chest now.
We are as a whole all trying to recover from events great or small. It doesn’t matter how we get to the final goal as long as you reach it. From the 30th August the situation I have had to take a step back and create distance and remain far away from some people. Which was and is still the hardest decision I have had to make for a long time. I have had to start fresh, and make the call to begin over. This has been time for me to heal and to re-evaluate what is important and who is important. I have looked at my phone hundreds of times and looked back at the messages & pictures, I can see how the illness took over and started to destroy that relationship. Admitting I have had some influential people during the time affecting my mood. From the outside of the illness and the moment the illness is no longer dictating what I will achieve, nor will I let others influence my life that don’t deserve my friendship or time.
I am on the other side, with my heart repairing slowly, one day it will be whole. It will have a scar from the past but that scar will just be a mere memory in the past.
I am ONE. #Hellofromtheotherside.