Judge

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Every battle there is a judge and it can feel that the judge, changes each time Sometimes finally accepting that the judge is in fact YOU!

quote-Natalie-Portman-theres-always-pressure-from-other-people-and-98100-inspirationalIsn’t it funny how the world can turn and change and karma can come back and bite people on the backside. The world is a place where judgement is no longer rare instead it is regular and constant more constant then your closest friend. We are all guilty of judging before getting to know the truth, sometimes people will admit they are judgmental and will make a conscious attempt to change.

“Don’t JUDGE my path. If you haven’t walked my path”

FB_IMG_1448919240821The world is filled with people waiting to put in their 2 pence worth. They have the ability to take the wind out of your sails and make it difficult to recover briefly for the moment you are in. the worst part can be when you are judged against who you are because of an event that has changed the course of life for someone. Should anyone really get the right to judge or manipulate the situation to benefit their own needs forgetting the cost?

cc03dbc6269f6de4f4a92b5a538c5b77For me I have been judged, labelled, cast to one side, manipulated and treated like I am the worst excuse for a human being over the years. Yet those that cast the stones forget who they are and how much of a shadow they have created upon society and reality. They have become absorbed by their own importance and they forget what is true and what is make believe. I took a break between blogging to get some perspective and see how I was getting on with returning to my own reality. I have rebuilt so much of my life in such a short space and have challenged not others but myself more and more with my commitment to fight. I am resilient to say the least. Those that have been affected with what happened on the 30th August have new places within my life, those who hurt and damaged my sanity and my clarity within reality are removed, and those that I was once close to are slowly getting back into my life but not in the same way instead it is never going to be as close as we were. For the simple reason I can’t be hurt, and nor should I. Everyone’s true colour will come out and those that have damaged the realms of reality will be seen for who they really are. Sadly, every decision we make will leave a mark on life and people will talk. I know my decisions will come back and the only difference is I don’t shy away from them, compared to others.

2015-11-12 11.25.49I admit I am a survivor of attempted suicide! I am proud to say a SURVIVOR, and while peoples true colour will be revealed I have to take the decision and step away, as I can’t be there to actively support people who have hurt me at the same time, because they believe what someone else can twist the world I exist in. Also for them they have to heal and find their resolve to what has happened and the difficult decision is always going be why they didn’t see it and next steps.

While I have had and been called every name under the sun and back I have to say sadly I am still here and most definitely not leave it anytime soon!

2015-11-07 23.23.48For me I have overcome a massive obstacle and that is walking into the manipulator, and I managed to keep my focus and carry on with my day and actually had one of the most successful days I have ever had since moving to Manchester. I have two more obstacles that I am still battling, part of me doesn’t want to tackle them as it could set me back. The other is to fully cut the manipulator fully out of my life and block out what he is and what he has that I have had to lose so I can find myself slightly.

Oprah-Winfrey-quoteAlso the other part of me has challenged my inexperience’s and exploring the world, even if its meetings people and spending time with people I haven’t experienced before. Enjoying those moments and not panicking as much.

The world spins on judgement calls and decisions which we have all taken part in to change society. Maybe it’s time we make the change to a less judgmental way of life. Freedom of speech is great but when it becomes a judgement we lose what it means and we lose a realm of respect.

I am….

Clear, honest and strong as I am not just ONE I am Alex, Stronger than ever. I am my own JUDGE!

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Fallen

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened. – Dr Seuss”

Every day I wake up and say “today will be a good day” and get out of bed hoping it will be a good day. Well since fighting this disease I have had more good days then bad, but when a bad day hits it truly is a bad day. Trying not to let the trigger affect the rest of the day and leave it behind, but sadly it sometimes is too much to fight beyond.

Falling into the darker shades of the grey and not seeing the colour the world has to offer instead its dark. With it being dark you become more unclear and more doubt you have about yourself while you are dealing with everything else that is the so called “norm” with everyday life. Sometimes life has to take a stand still and you have to accept the breaks. For me I identified where and what was happening and had to accept that the path I was taking was destroying not only my life but others the people who would stand with me.

Sometimes though you find what has happened is damaging your own wellbeing and any hope of a friendship with people can be damaged beyond repair and the doubt it can be rescued. No matter how much you care for people they sometimes have to leave your life, just to heal. This can be the same with life and other factors this can be applied.

Life can throw many shots and many causes can make you ill not just physical illness but also mental illness. The issues that really influence begin to bury themselves deep inside and burl their way into hiding when you least expect it will come up and take over like a wave in a storm. That one wave can destroy every part of you and who you have been working on and trying to protect those that matter but at the same time you cant. As whatever you do, just to protect those that count, it just gets messier even when they do everything to help. It just doesn’t feel like they are helping instead it feels as if you have someone being malicious and not really seeing your side.

Today brings the present and tomorrow is the future and sometimes through the passing hours and days you need someone to hold your hand and help you get through the difficult stages. No one can be there all the time, but sometimes you need the space to breath and so do the other person.

Karma has a way of going around, for those that put out good things to the world apparently goods things will happen back to you in later life. The same can happen if you put bad things out there. If you don’t know what you’re putting out there and hiding away and keeping the world out of your life and you’re not involved in. No matter how much you try to keep yourself away from people and what is going on, people will always see and know. They might not say or check on you the same way you might expect. This can then cause resentment, as you think those who would be there aren’t there. Instead they are outside of the box looking in on the situation.

Every day I hope that I won’t fall and I don’t look at the fact I will fall I just hope today will be a good day, and I will be confident enough and happy enough in my own skin to get through the day. Hope is the big word and pray of survival. From every panic attack and every wave of emotional distress and destruction that hits. The world is no longer round or bright, instead the world has been flatten and every ounce of colour has been drained out. Looking outside the window and instead of seeing the green grass or the winter flowers blooming they are grey like the clouds even when it doesn’t rain it is raining inside your head.

No matter how much mending and fixing sometimes so relationships, objects and lives can’t be repaired. They just run their course and that’s heart breaking and soul destroying and sometimes it takes more courage to make that decision.

Those that hurt us make us stronger. If we are the one that hurts ourselves you are destroying any hope of finding who you are.

For my life I have and will feel sorry for what has happened this year to a group of people. No words or anything I can do can repair the damage I have caused and I will always hope that I will be forgiven and the relationship we once had can be salvaged.

If not least I have some happy memories of everything and I have seen some amazing things. Today has been a day where I have fallen and let my past come back and haunt my mind. Which is part of my story which I have to add to the shelf.

I am ONE, I am falling but tomorrow I will be flying!

This isn’t just I am ONE. This is my hope for forgiveness.

Ax

For this blog I ask no one to comment below instead to message or tweet me directly.  Thanks Alex.

 

 

Two

Have you ever looked at a story and seen there are always two sides to every story?

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When you have and illness there are two sides, the person and the illness. The person can be consumed by the illness and taking over the body and spirit of the beholder. When you are diagnosed with an illness that is life altering such as mental health or cancer, then your life is no longer what it was. Instead it has become nothing about you instead it’s about the illness and how much it takes to get out of bed. Living with the new life that new chapter that has been created in your story, that is constantly on going and this chapter doesn’t end within a few chapters instead it is constant it consumes many chapters and many pages of your story.

2015-12-02 11.14.39The diagnosis of the illness it has two stages it’s the fight to remove the illness and then you begin stage two the recovery. The fight to recover part of who you were before the illness is the ultimate goal. You want to be able to say “I am back to being me” but then can you return to who you were before you had the diagnosis?

You can only return partially but will always have the wounds of the illness. This will stay with you and be a constant memory of what you have had to go through. Sadly some people who won’t be as successful and could end up in the dark.

e6382322b057262ae2ddbcba656d36c5As I face the recovery from depression, I am in the battle of two halves. The first part is the depression and what has happened from the past. Each stage of depression, what was the root cause of when it all begun. But also what was the root cause of this each stage of the illness every element of it. Nine years ago the start of this illness, and was my dad’s accident. Then it was issues tied into what had happened and where my confidence was. My ex became an issue last year, where I wasn’t a priority which I have face many times from my dad picking his so called “friends” before his family. His brothers and sisters also never being part of the “Family” instead they have become more and more of the outlaws. My ex allowed his ex-boyfriend who is his best friend, disrespect me, put on the pedestal and treated me as if I was a child and not worthy of his time. Also the way my ex spoke to me, which was witnessed by other who have since said they had to bite there tongue from telling him what he actually thought. To this year where I lost me fully. The same person who bit there tongue and one of the few people to have actually met him, have become distant. Due to my illness and some other factors and it is time to depend not on the instead of me. The other issue is always going to be there side of the story. Listening to others who are their own support network.

some-of-the-most-poisonous-people-come-disguised-as-friends-and-family-quote-1Today 2nd December marks a massive date in my life, it was the day I took control. From a catalyst that reignited a fire that I had to take control of the issue that was taking me further down the dangerous spiral. I decided that it’s time to stop the repetition of the past where my ex mimicked my father. We went on the break that I knew we weren’t going to be getting back together, as that month I laughed and smiled and enjoyed life. I didn’t tackle what was going on or grieve instead I just did what I wanted to do.

quote-Jiang-Zemin-it-takes-two-hands-to-clap-37716Because of two people they were the aid I needed to stop the vicious cycle I was caught in. I finally took two people spurring me on to actually stop the abuse I was going through. I know people will see the A word, as if it wasn’t. It was abuse to a level of emotional abuse, I wasn’t treated the way I should have be, I became someone’s safety net but he didn’t become mine. Instead he took liberties of my kindness and exploited it. I know why I stayed in the cycle, was because I didn’t see myself finding anyone else would want me.

67cb0446696b3cc240ddd0e3fe233f83A year on I have been single for 12 months, officially or unofficially. A lot has changed I have face the demons and been to the bales of hell and back and now I am fighting against it. It has taken me two varieties to this fight. It is fighting for my physical health to get the strength to feel better with the way I look. The other part of the battle is my mental wellbeing it has taken a lot of will power and energy to fight through and not let the demons to take over again.

Sometimes it is unhealthy to live in the past and never look at the future and hope that it will return to what you had before, that time has now past and gone and it is time to live in the now. The future hasn’t been written yet but it can’t be written with the past still existing and influencing.

2beea4b45c633b613fcba5ea05125c0bTWO stages can take over who you were, and sometimes it is easier to embrace the illness and show the illness who is going to win. Not to let it influence the day it’s about moving beyond the illness and put it in a box with a tightly screwed lid and no air hole. Instead of letting the illness in prison me, I will in prison the illness in its very own prison. I have inherited a trait from both my parents and my family of being stubborn! That stubbornness will aid my fight, it will give me not just hope but it will give me my second chance to LIVE!

I am Alex,
I am Embracing the illness
I am ONE.

Photograph

PhotographblogHave you ever opened an album, and looked at those moments captured in time? Do you look at those memories, and remember the way you were feelings or what was going on at the time.

received_10207111886492708Some people just don’t have the confidence to have their picture taken. A variety of reasons can be as simple as low confidence or lack of self-esteem, others could just not like having their pictures being taken. Some people will have the confidence to go out and have their pictures taken. They are all involved in the movement that has got bigger and bigger over the years, the “Selfie”. This movement has taken over the world with social media and mobile technology becoming a big factor in the way capturing a moment. This hasn’t only changed the way photos are taken but vlogger and video art is becoming more common within society YouTube has taken over the video streams, it’s how some of today’s “celebrities” became celebrities.

IMG_20150907_130631The photos can bring back memories of the past and how you were feeling back then.  I look back at my most recent photo at the biggest event of the year I would attend Manchester Pride the image I portrayed to those I was with are people I am close too, they knew there was something wrong, as I was a lot more on edge than normal, I wasn’t as fun loving as I would be at any other pride. Then I wasn’t facing a battle against the silent killer like I was at pride this year. Reeling from everything that has happened from being the forgotten about, left to never know why I wasn’t good enough for people to spend time with. Becoming more aware of how much distance I was getting.

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Some other pictures can bring around moments of joy when you were smiling and laughing and just wished it would never end. A moment has the ability to make you just smile and feel the electric of that photograph that brings back the moment of joy and excitement.

 

IMG_20150620_203613With those photographs they capture the moment, and those words that you dread to say as you admit what is on your mind. It could be the 3 simple words or the 3 most complicated words you will ever want to say, but then its captured on a camera. The digital age gives people an opportunity to look back into the eyes of them. You can see what is within if they are happy, sad, scared etc. that picture no longer having to be kept on digital or film, but within your own camera’s they are capture the moments.

pride2015, has brought hardship, heartache and the moments I have captured make me smile in places and cry in others. My first kiss, my first home, my birthday, random nights out with friends, spending time with my family. All bring smiles to my face then suddenly the sad moments appear sometimes they appear out of nowhere and then they appear just when I think about the past, sometimes this can be when others mention what they have achieved and then I compare. We all do this comparison and try to compare what we have and yet we have this ability to be our own worst enemy. We are never satisfied with what we actually have, and we always want to have bigger and greater things and try to have memories that you haven’t had and they just don’t live up to the pictures you have seen.

IMG-20150616-WA0005My photos aren’t about me, they are about different events. I have always hated having my picture being taken, I will do the odd selfie when I feel confident about myself but when I feel low or as my depression rears its head it stops the growth in my recovery and brings the memories back, those memories I try to block out from someone the emotional connection, those memories come back. But they can come back and I wouldn’t change the memories I have created as each one means something. Manchester has brought something I never had in London, it has found me. I can’t change the past nor will I get anything from regrets. I will have a few regrets that I have let my emotions get the better of me. Then I might not be here recovering instead I could still be going on the path to destruction.

My photos my memories they can’t change but they can definitely make for a different future. With the changes to my recovery and fighting the illness. Some parts of it are with support of friends and family. Then there is part of me who fights alone, rely upon myself and thankful I have people who back me as well.

Photographblog

My photograph are slowly becoming more prominent within my life.

I am ONE & I am ME.