Have you ever looked at a story and seen there are always two sides to every story?
When you have and illness there are two sides, the person and the illness. The person can be consumed by the illness and taking over the body and spirit of the beholder. When you are diagnosed with an illness that is life altering such as mental health or cancer, then your life is no longer what it was. Instead it has become nothing about you instead it’s about the illness and how much it takes to get out of bed. Living with the new life that new chapter that has been created in your story, that is constantly on going and this chapter doesn’t end within a few chapters instead it is constant it consumes many chapters and many pages of your story.
The diagnosis of the illness it has two stages it’s the fight to remove the illness and then you begin stage two the recovery. The fight to recover part of who you were before the illness is the ultimate goal. You want to be able to say “I am back to being me” but then can you return to who you were before you had the diagnosis?
You can only return partially but will always have the wounds of the illness. This will stay with you and be a constant memory of what you have had to go through. Sadly some people who won’t be as successful and could end up in the dark.
As I face the recovery from depression, I am in the battle of two halves. The first part is the depression and what has happened from the past. Each stage of depression, what was the root cause of when it all begun. But also what was the root cause of this each stage of the illness every element of it. Nine years ago the start of this illness, and was my dad’s accident. Then it was issues tied into what had happened and where my confidence was. My ex became an issue last year, where I wasn’t a priority which I have face many times from my dad picking his so called “friends” before his family. His brothers and sisters also never being part of the “Family” instead they have become more and more of the outlaws. My ex allowed his ex-boyfriend who is his best friend, disrespect me, put on the pedestal and treated me as if I was a child and not worthy of his time. Also the way my ex spoke to me, which was witnessed by other who have since said they had to bite there tongue from telling him what he actually thought. To this year where I lost me fully. The same person who bit there tongue and one of the few people to have actually met him, have become distant. Due to my illness and some other factors and it is time to depend not on the instead of me. The other issue is always going to be there side of the story. Listening to others who are their own support network.
Today 2nd December marks a massive date in my life, it was the day I took control. From a catalyst that reignited a fire that I had to take control of the issue that was taking me further down the dangerous spiral. I decided that it’s time to stop the repetition of the past where my ex mimicked my father. We went on the break that I knew we weren’t going to be getting back together, as that month I laughed and smiled and enjoyed life. I didn’t tackle what was going on or grieve instead I just did what I wanted to do.
Because of two people they were the aid I needed to stop the vicious cycle I was caught in. I finally took two people spurring me on to actually stop the abuse I was going through. I know people will see the A word, as if it wasn’t. It was abuse to a level of emotional abuse, I wasn’t treated the way I should have be, I became someone’s safety net but he didn’t become mine. Instead he took liberties of my kindness and exploited it. I know why I stayed in the cycle, was because I didn’t see myself finding anyone else would want me.
A year on I have been single for 12 months, officially or unofficially. A lot has changed I have face the demons and been to the bales of hell and back and now I am fighting against it. It has taken me two varieties to this fight. It is fighting for my physical health to get the strength to feel better with the way I look. The other part of the battle is my mental wellbeing it has taken a lot of will power and energy to fight through and not let the demons to take over again.
Sometimes it is unhealthy to live in the past and never look at the future and hope that it will return to what you had before, that time has now past and gone and it is time to live in the now. The future hasn’t been written yet but it can’t be written with the past still existing and influencing.
TWO stages can take over who you were, and sometimes it is easier to embrace the illness and show the illness who is going to win. Not to let it influence the day it’s about moving beyond the illness and put it in a box with a tightly screwed lid and no air hole. Instead of letting the illness in prison me, I will in prison the illness in its very own prison. I have inherited a trait from both my parents and my family of being stubborn! That stubbornness will aid my fight, it will give me not just hope but it will give me my second chance to LIVE!