As you may of notice my blogs usually have a specific style where I blog about the general to introduce the blogs to you and then go on to discuss how the subject relates to me in my recovery. But this blog is slightly different.
You see today is New Year’s Day, millions of people see today as the fresh start and close of last year depending how difficult it was or how amazing it was. Those that had a difficult year, will focus on the events and sometime the events can change who we are, and how they have affected and made the person we once were not the same. You evolve and harden with the emotions that were caused the event have changed and it’s how you have recovered or on the path, either recovering or imploding.
2015, has brought tears and raw negative emotions. This is where I will be honest, I split from ex who was abusive emotionally, and whenever he got drunk he would always have arguments with me a few times at a bear event where we had a few arguments. In front of people who saw it weren’t happy the way he spoke to me. Then at my birthday events when I would visit him, yes I would visit him instead of him visiting me. Once that event ended I started to get close to someone who meant a lot to me. Just being supportive and guiding me. I got too close and it blew up in my face when he changed plans and never saw what I saw the same. Then people got involved and the walls started to close in around me surrounding every inch of my being. Depression began to suffocate who I am. I didn’t just get close to one person I was growing closer to two other friends. My birthday was car crash as it became about everyone else but me. Following a massive explosion, I decided to start counselling. I started to do counselling and never felt it really resolved the issue of my life exploding I had to try everything resistant against medication treatments.
After a bump me and my friend got closer against and we started over fresh a few months later. This was just doing normal stuff like a coffee or movies. I had stepped away from people and could feel the world was against me more and more people started to plant the seeds to manipulate me and twist my conscious and influence my ethics. I got closer to my best friend who is like my big brother I never had. And spent time with him and his partner. He always supported me with big decisions and everything I need. Just being there, not expecting anything of me but same with me not expecting anything from him. I would go visit every few weeks to escape Manchester. A group of people helped me with my biggest move into my own home. Help from everyone who I asked most of my home is from free cycling and parts of it I am still getting used to it being mine. Like my tv and heaters. They aren’t my friends any more instead they are mine.
Up till the big event that culminated in my life breaking down and everything I loved and cared about disintegrated around me, my heart my brain my world was destroyed from someone manipulating twisting and treating me as the scapegoat for his actions. As I was close to 3 people and he wanted to be there first pick not last pick, as I was there for them always would & have been. As they have been for me. Hell two of them looked after me when I was really ill and was what felt like I had swallowed broken glass and had 4 golf balls in my throat, with tonsillitis.
30th August 2015 the day I considered it was time to end the pain and suffering and loneliness. Letting it consume me listening to the voices and say I don’t belong here. Not meaning I need to leave the room but meaning I didn’t belong on this earth where I considered walking in front of a car at the bottom of the road, and escaping. As the people I thought were there and knew my feelings about this person wouldn’t be sucked into his twisted lies. One person fell for it and listen to the lies and let himself be manipulated. The moment I lost their support was the hardest part of 2015. But then I gained support from people. I began a new treatment of cognitive Behavior Therapy, and also medication. This was a decision I was always against taking. As I felt I was strong enough to conquer the illness. Which I wasn’t, it has taken me 10 years to finally say it was going to be the illness or me that wins. If I didn’t seek the medical help I could have ended up being sectioned, still suffering from the illness and letting in the catastrophic thoughts that was going through my head which would have fully defeated me.
Side effects of the medication it affects your sleep, but also your appetite so the weight I lost before beginning the treatment pilled back on. The hardest part of the medication is it really does affect your mood, where worrying and anxiety is managed, and never knowing what is actually the problem, as you might say you’re worried but inside you have nothing. Even with positives it can be affected by the medication. Even when you feel the world is exploding or imploding it has to be a major event that could defeat the medication.
From August to October I was off work and feeling terrified about going back and feeling like a spare wheel with being at friends and families over the 7 weeks I was off. Spending very little time in my home. The day I went back to work 14th October phasing back into work and a normal routine.
November came and I was spending a weekend at my big brothers who I spend a bulk of my time off at. From this point I encountered the rebuilding process and saw others’ lives imploding and taking out their anger out on the world as it they get given a right to be that way. I know when my implosion took place I felt similar as if the world owes me something. All it owes me is air to breath and food to eat. That’s is all the world gives you it doesn’t owe you in face you owe the world. While I saw others worlds imploding I tried to help, and support. During that time, I got close to people and never saw it as anything major other than friendship then it would be the occasional upgrade to spend some time together. This would only happen when no one else is there. If they had an offer I was forgotten about.
Fast forward to today 1st January 2016, at friends but not drinking by choice and instead of talking with me instead it was throw me under a bus to get me the heat of them. Then there were new people new social media friends who now become an interest. Well during the night, selfies are taken and I am excluded from them. And possible in 2 pictures captured of the new celebrations. But the biggest event New year bells gong, and the usual kissing takes place and while most people get a kiss that last longer than 10 seconds, compared to the one I would get was 2 seconds and at a push.
2015 has definitely been a difficult year, with events and critical events that definitely changed my path. In some places it brought me closer to people, and other I became more distant. It has definitely been a year where I have seen the UGLY side of people. Before 2015 I could always rely on my feelings and tell if someone is nice deep down or not. My instincts were something I was always able to rely on, and stupidly I ignored them and let people in. The thing I have found out about myself over the course of this roller coaster that is called life, I care a lot, and consider their feelings and emotions of others sometimes more than about my own. This has changed and I have started to see the world not in shades of black white & grey instead its shining with colour and bright and bold. Every day has been learning experience, where I have had to find out something new about myself and also of others. I have challenged the way I am and put myself out there where I have made newer friends, who I have had the opportunities to spend time with and new experiences. This year even though I was in a 2.5-year relationship I went on my first date, an experience I always through I would never get. To seeing some amazing theatre shows. The hardest stage other than losing people and letting everything get to much for me has to be saying good bye to people who were once so close and are now on the outside. I have finally been honest with my life and started to close the doors on the past that shaped my life and in a number of day I will be closing my 20’s and welcoming in the new decade. Its 2016 and I’m going to make this year what every I want it to be and leave what has happened back when it happened. I am no longer afraid to say goodbye to those that have moved beyond our paths.
Finally catching my breath, and letting it all go for me to be free of the hurt and the upset I have experienced
To the world and to those that have been there;
Happy New Year. Hope it brings you all happy memories and magical moments. Thank you to those that have been there for me and have made me realize my own strength but also how resilient I really am.
2015 was One but I am changing my path. Along with this page new year new look!
I am ONE & here’s to 2016!