A symbol or a simple letter. The X can mean Multiply, times or an Ex within life, or even just a simple letter. It can have a lot more meaning than any other letter or symbol than any other within the alphabet.
“Don’t judge what you see, as you don’t know what is going on beyond theses hazel eyes…”
Sometime you have find the X laying in the sand to say it’s enough, I have finally found what I am looking for but also I have found what I am not looking for. At times that can be the hardest thing to say that it’s over. When you have hit your cross roads. That cross roads when you’re dealing with mental health can appear more than once as you could quite easily see what one door closing and another unknown.
Life is a crossroads, and many moments through the day it could quite simple be a decision that could cost and have an impact not just on your life but on others as well. When that happens it can sometimes be more extreme and difficult to manage and accept you have done something that has cost someone in some way. We all have an opportunity to make decisions and it’s a choice if you own the choice and be big enough for what has happened and say that is way it was and only try to make the right decision in the future. You can’t always be right even when those that pretend they are there not. As really deep down they are the most scared of being found to be making the wrong decision and wrong impression.
X or an Ex in life happens we all suffer from having an ex in our lives it doesn’t have to be a relationship but it could be an ex friend, ex neighbour. They all mean something in some way, the ex of a relationship or friendship sometimes hurt and can be extremely difficult to recover from. As they have at one point been the center of your universe and now they aren’t instead they are on the outside of a very mysterious bubble that has taken over your life in some way and they and you are looking in from the outside on each-others bubble. This will hurt and be costly to you when you are recovering from what they once meant and the feeling off joy and happiness changes to anger, vengeance, hatred to some degree and many other emotions. They will always mean something to you especially at one stage in your life they were your life. They were there through your time of growth and enjoyment. Sadly, that door can close on the relationship at any time. It sometimes has a way of leaving the door on the latch and opening back up slowly. Same with a scar, it can reopen and you will re awaken part of the past either the good or the bad. It is about moving beyond the memory especially if it wasn’t a great one to something different and very much away from why they are an ex.
When you have depression and you go to cognitive behavioral therapy you learn about the types of thinking including the way a simple thought could be catastrophize to a massive problem and this can be so big the only escape could feel like the darkness. The way the colour within the world becomes very black and white with thinking and generalization becomes a big part of the dealing with a mental health illness. It will continue to multiply and grow and get bigger than it really is. Ed Sheeran has an album called “X” which I always thought was just the letter but it turns out to be multiply which is odd in way as do you really want to multiply everything and not just success but would you want to multiply the failures and the bad moments within your life or what feels like a failure. The one thing is negative thoughts aren’t exclusive to those with a mental health issue they are all inclusive we all have the ability to think negatively and see the world in two colours and sometimes miss that section in the middle of grey. Which can be as simple as a simple comment that you never really thought about how you said it but has just planted the seed of doubt or multiplying over the reality bad or good events happen to all of us, it’s just the way we handle and deal with the event makes them what they are.
When you have an illness no matter how big it seems to multiple and get bigger and bigger even when you have got treatment and try to get yourself better. There is always the possibility of relapse or it coming back and becoming bigger and much worst then before. Those who suffer from cancer a go into remission have to go back regularly for testing and could go 12 years’ cancer free and it comes back more evolved more developed more vicious than ever and it will take every single bit of the person’s energy to fight it off and defeat it. Not all cancers have a cure and some cancers don’t have to be a lump or a mass of cells rebelling against the body immunity. It could be a simple illness that is slowly killing off cells and who you once were or who you are going to become. It is an illness with no cure that has many treatments and therapies but it has a way of multiplying to such magnitude the battle sometimes can be lost even slightly.
When you have a repetitive event in your life it becomes part of the way you think and how much you can dread or enjoy an event. With most people they have a birthday that they will either celebrate or not depending on culture, and that day the day you were born is meant to be about you. As before that day however many years old you are you didn’t exist. Now you do it and in most counts you have helped improve someone’s life even slightly, it could just be family people’s life you have improved.
Well I have a birthday coming up in a number of days and it’s a milestone in my life, I will be 30 years old. Or as I like to call it chapter 30. For a number of years since I was 18 I have organized my birthday and in a way every year at my birthday it hasn’t been about me, it has been about someone else or those that get invited cancel, sometimes for valid reasons and some are questionable. For a number of years, I was with someone who is now my ex, he never organized anything for my birthday or even remembered to get me a birthday card. Something very simple that could mean a lot. I never got that, so have always had to be organized to sort something. My birthday has always been difficult as its middle of January and no many people can afford to come out mid-month as it’s that time of the year that is affected the most by Christmas. I usually try to organize something for the end of the month but for the past few years since I lost my dad I haven’t really celebrated as his birthday is also his anniversary but is a few days after my birthday. So for me a birthday night out could be something quite special as it takes my mind of what has happened and the fact I was always the forgotten kid growing up. Friends would forget and to be fair still happens when it comes to something that is about me. It’s all forgotten about, those moments your meant to feel important and special and for a number of years I have only been important to sign a cheque or for people to complain too due to bad customer service when I worked within retail. My one day I hope to be special doesn’t really happen anymore my family try and they help take my mind of life on my birthday but then there is the rest of the world. People know it’s my birthday by Facebook so I get people wishing me a happy birthday but do they know me really. No usually they say the usual but that’s it, and it can be lip service.
My life has been filled with no hopers or ex people within life that has had an impact. Part of me hard to rely or trust people as the way I have had to grow up much faster than some be mature not actually be my age, I have had to be older than most, and take on big challenges just to prove myself not usually to myself but to others. To make my mark on someone life not for being me, but to prove them wrong. Losing piece and part of my sanity and my identity well and truly being lost.
The X me is the typical well-mannered young man, believing in manners and knowing right from wrong even when I am ill. I still know what the difference is and now I see every decision magnified as it the past it has cost me and no it costs me so much more. As I am more aware some people can handle illness like this and also you do eventually get to a point where there are no more opportunities left. For me I am one of those people that never believe in myself or believe I am doing something right or if something goes wrong I blame myself. Even when I get a compliment about something I don’t believe they mean it or it’s because someone has told them to compliment me. Not just about work or general stuff in life if someone says I am handsome or compliments me I take it with the biggest pinch of salt ever.
This week I achieved something when I went for my cbt session at the doctors I have a check up on my recovery with a wellbeing self-assessment. My previous scores have been 10/7 to 4/7 to this weeks 3/3. The scores look at anxiety and mood, and the target for recovery is 7 or less. Which was my first achievement this week. To finally going back to where my depression went to the severity that I saw the darkness. Going into the house and being in the room which I hadn’t been in since August 30th. With this meant I had to go near my friend who I have been resistant from seeing since everything due to the manipulator as he cost me a lot. And he still is, as I saw a picture which woke up every emotion I went through that night where I isolated myself but was also isolated by others which I then started to considered every option and seeing only the darkness. Seeing that picture opened the wounds that saw the world smiling while at that same time I was being destroyed within my own body my own soul was fighting against what was going on within my own head my thoughts were ruling what was going to be the day. Where I was too scare to go near people or to be at home or to be anywhere near certain memory points. The re awakening and reminding that my life in September was simply explosive having to face the demons and the choices and avoiding find X on that treasure map where you really don’t want to find the treasure on that map instead you want it to be buried deep and far away from the world, so no one can find it and exploit the turmoil you suffered by your own hands but also by the hands of others. For my 30th I am going to try to celebrate and embrace my birthday with or without people around as it’s my time to be important and feel special and if others can’t I will do it myself as I stand on my own 2 feet. As I don’t live in anyone shadow. Some will say its only a picture and I am empowering the memory and the other factors within the memory, but it’s a constant reminder of what has happened. It’s a scar that isn’t visible to the world just to me.
There is another X I haven’t mentioned other than a symbol, the X a sign of a kiss, for signing messages to important people with in your life. Showing a sign of love to others can help more than anything to anyone in the world especially when they feel alone. For me I love a lot live a little and in some cases I need to love less and live more……for me and not others. But that isn’t me.
I am ONE…of a k;nd!