How many times in the day do you say “I?” and how many times do you say we?
I, is the one letter that makes people sound self-indulgent more than any other, as it has a meaning and represents talking about ourselves. It also includes, do you give other credit for what they have achieved or do you take their credit?
For me, I will say I have completed this or give someone the credit for what they have achieved even if it makes me look less of a person because it might not be my work. Also giving people the credit for some of my achievements just because they might need that boost and forgetting I could actually do with that boost.
Within the last blog “X” I stated about “lip service” and I feel I need to clarify a slight point here. I call it lip services because I rare will hear from them. But also I actually try to reply to every single message and it’s a personal message and it could be about their recent Facebook posts. I give them more time then I get from them, and it’s not a competition and I wish them a happy birthday and try to make it sound personal not just the generic “Happy Birthday” but I also don’t always post it on Facebook I do this weird thing and message the person directly and try to start up a conversation that could be limited as it’s a one way conversations! Also within the blog it wasn’t designed when I was at my highest or strongest point, and neither was I at my lowest point either, instead it was written while I was on my journey to challenge thoughts. The X within people lives differ and they mean something to each of us. For me my birthday is a point where I see the X where I prefer to forget about.
In August and prior to other nights out 3 people got closer and closer and I was pushed out and invited out on the rare occasion, usually to be made fun of or pushed into pushing my barriers way beyond what I wanted to do. One of them is a manipulator and partner who felt they could tell me how disappointed they are with me when I had a breakdown. When really who can really be more disappointed in me than me? I had to deal with the situation and the events and how low I had felt which was a massive factor in my recovery. Also they were a cause of the events that happened in August. To them I was good enough for a few things and the biggest was to be there door mat. While they manipulate and twist the reality for others and even those close to them don’t know the truth anymore as they have twisted it beyond any reality.
From here I have had to deal with the fear of walking into them and making that awkward moment well I have walked into them twice. I am 1-1 on reactions as my first time walking into him was a panic attack, which I had to walk around Manchester talking to people which I have mentioned previously on here. The other time I was walking into the office and our paths crossed. I survived and just got on with my day and ultimately become stronger from that moment. As my reality isn’t flawed nor is it cloudy of the truth, I know what happened and I also know where I am going and what makes me actually proud. And the ultimate proud moment is still being here.
The reason I dislike the events that are about me, is simply because they can be taken away by people and made about them. My first night out since August was a big night for me as I hadn’t been out in Manchester for a big event since Pride, where my world crumbled. It was an impromptu night on the tiles and the night wasn’t about me but was about bringing in the new year marking an end to what 2015 brought to me, which was a difficult year and finally the cross roads was reached. Some people also having had a difficult year as well it was a way to end it. While some decided to make it about them and they forget basic principles of ownership. Reminders of where I have come from and how I was feeling back in august flooding back to my present memory of not being good enough or wanted around because I was “cock blocking” or inferior to them and wasn’t really welcome to the event. I was only asked to be civil when reality is I wasn’t asked because of people being civil instead I was asked to go along because people like me, and they know the road I have travelled and how much I have had to fight it in some parts alone getting through each day and moment to letting people in when I have a panic attack or someone has re awaken part of my past. To be honest I wasn’t there to block anything just to go and enjoy myself and I was stressed at the event as I have always worried about introducing friends to each other, as most the time they don’t get along or they become the judgemental queen in the corner watching how the friends are. Also if they will get along because they like each other or because they are trying not to upset me, when really I have zero control over others opinions or behaviours all I can do is enjoy myself away from the drama. That night was turned into a night of drama some from my own where I couldn’t cope with everything so I avoided alcohol which would exacerbate the situation but also the prevention of letting me go back to my own safety net, my home. As of leaving the venue I walked into 3 people I didn’t really expect to see and one of them could tell as soon as they saw my face I had to escape and get out, as I wasn’t enjoying myself. The others could tell something was right, as they would usually see me floating around for a drink, but I was gone quickly and I also went home within the hour.
Leaving 6 really close friends at a club because of one person who thought of themselves more than others and also begun to repeat history. Until they get what they want they will leave you be, even when you try to be friends and try to just support someone while they have a lot to deal with especially when you have been in the similar place. Well here is my answer to that now. GOOD BYE, as I don’t do one sided friendships and nor do I do deflection of reality making me feel inferior to the world. As I am not inferior to anyone, instead I am as others say a good person, who wears their heart on their sleeve and will do whatever it takes to help someone before myself.
I, have discussed a few big moments in my life above and have to carry on growing, and keep on the track. Also from this blog I have talked about me, and my events being a bit self-indulgent, which is rare, as I don’t do me, I will think about others a lot more than me as it’s easier to work out other problems than my own. Which is common as sometimes following your own advice is so difficult you have to rely upon others and hope they can understand make sense of the issue you are facing.
Sometimes some people will say I more than we, or us, or think of others because they have to be selfish and sometimes out of most we all need to be selfish and think of our own needs not just others. Remembering we are important as others and deserve to be free and happy not repressed and pushed to the side as if we are nothing but a unwelcome guest.
Its time we are all ONE and not hiding away, because every time we hide away it doesn’t help yourself it helps those that repress the world! And now its time to stand up and say no. be happy be you and be selfish. Because if you aren’t you might be the person who is left behind while the world is thinking for themselves.
I am ONE. And WE are STRONG!