Forgotten…

Never Love anybody who treats you like you’re ordinary- Oscar Wilde”

Daily people will accept being second thoughts, we are all guilty of this and no one can say they don’t do it as really they would be lying not just to others, but more themselves. Those that are facing difficulty within their lives, with always feeling like an after through because plans and being forgotten by people can be very difficult not to take personally. Even though it’s not and there is usually a very good reason for the plans to alter or change beyond anyone control.

Sadly, there is those that set out to change other people’s plans not because it is due to the others decisions. The decisions that could affect people because of their personal vendettas against someone who they just dislike and want to destroy their ability to be who they once were.

Most people know from my first blog I has discussed why I made the choice to write, and there have been times through the past 6 months I have isolated myself and had to re validate who I am. Taking big steps to overcome some big obstacles. The biggest has to be why I contemplated the darkness.

“Macklemore @ItsMaccklemore
Suicide is stupid? You wanna know what is stupid? Hurting someone so much emotionally that they think suicide is the only answer”

When I was at my lowest on the 30th August, I listened to people I shouldn’t have listened to, I allowed the manipulation to take over my mind and let the words and how uncomfortable I was feeling, the person I was being destroyed. Before this I was unhappy and damaged from the break up from my ex, and people within my life taking swipes and listening to the voices that should have been controlled, which I couldn’t take the steps to silence the voices within my head.

Over the six months, it has been difficult and damaging at times, but I have turned many corners, facing the demons daily. To the manipulator who pretends they like me but will argue I should be on my own and not with mutual friends, because they don’t take sides. I work in the same building, and when I do see him he doesn’t exist to me, as I block him out. As I have challenged my demons and his alleged demons are still undefeated. The odd part is, the more people I know the more that know of him, have had unpleasant experiences where he is involved.

6 months ago I wouldn’t have seen myself as I am now.  Before I would of runaway from these challenges, no matter how difficult it was. I would of hid away and buried my head in the sand. That was then, now I go about it differently I talk to those who would normally pick a side and I have challenged factors involved and those aren’t going to change or say I have conquered them. As I haven’t, I have many more challenges and difficult decisions to make in the future.

Other reasons I have been forgotten would be my ex who literally forgot I existed and what a boyfriend or partner is meant to be. Since then break up and the break I have had a date I have spent time with people and put myself first and met some amazing people, who make me smile daily. Which makes me realise how much my past relationship was damaged and was never going to work. Same as my relationship with my father he loves me which I never question, but he was never there as he would put others first, just not the family he loved. He wanted to be accepted and even though the family had accepted him, and he wanted to be popular.

This weekend I have done something I haven’t done in a long time, I was out Friday night and left early while my friends went into town and I was out last night for a friend’s birthday. I haven’t been out in Manchester properly since new year’s and before that would have been august the Friday of pride.  Last night I was out with good friends and had a lot of fun, while I am getting used to going out I am making a choice and not drinking. Just so I can’t allow the alcohol influence my decisions. I was a bit on edge and worried about going out and in case I bump into people that could bring back unwelcome memories. With support of my friends I had a good time. I even was talking to people who are close to the manipulator. Even those that represented my breakdown, I am challenging the past and making the most of the now and my future.

Every decision has a reaction, while I grow stronger others will crumble and those that wish to manipulate and hurt me can try and take their opportunity but I will get better and stronger and be the better person as I don’t wish to see others suffering by my hands. The cards will be shuffled and re dealt and that is when karma and the future will be decided.

You can only be forgotten if you really want to be, and you block out the world to be isolated beyond reality. The person who will hurt isn’t just those that care about you. You are hurting yourself and the voices will become louder and more destructive. Don’t isolate yourself get help and listen to those that want the best for you. Those that put you down its times to say goodbye too.

Be you and those that matter will stay with you, those that don’t.

I am…never forgotten, and never alone.

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Break

Have you ever had to just stop and take a “break”?

Each time the world seems to be set to be against you with every decision and every choice you make it just doesn’t want to go your way. Each time you get the setback it becomes more of an issue with more reason why it doesn’t seem fair others are surviving and getting the lucky break and then those that never seem phased or plagued by setbacks.

Breaks within life and the realms of normality, see to be more and more common with more people within society being signed off work due to stress related illnesses and mental health becoming more common place within society. With 1 in 4 adults being diagnosed with mental health illness, and 1 in 5 children having a mental health illness. It has taken numerous years for the numbers to finally force the government to change their way of thinking and actually start to give more financial support to mental health resources.

With this weekend it is the “Holiday” of love, valentine’s day! This is the weekend where most will go either way on the spectrum either super lovey dovey or extremely unhappy and lonely. For me I have never been spoilt on valentine’s day and the biggest difficulty I have with valentine’s day is it also marks my 1st year since my break down.

My breakdown last year was significant as it was finally when I admitted I needed help. I fell for someone and we became extremely close. We would do most things and just never be called boyfriends or partners. Instead it be one side getting more emotionally devoting then what was on offer. I was going through the motions of breaking up with my ex and then I didn’t really stop to just grieve the breakdown of my relationship. In the weekend of valentines 2015 I could see and feel myself becoming more and more isolated from the world no one actually saw what was going on as they only could see what I was letting them. People would notice my attitude had changed and it had become more and more implosive and each day of that period of breaking up I lost myself more than ever before. I couldn’t see any positives happening valentines weekend I was isolated alone plans constantly changing so others could have a good time while I ended up alone. My mood taking a drastic turn I no longer could laugh I was isolated and alone.

The breakdown was the first signs of how damaged I was as I didn’t feel I could cope or survive and back then considered if it was worth trying to carrying on. I got into arguments and became destructive and would only talk to few people rarely about what was going on. I defriended people and push others away because I wasn’t getting what I expected nor wanted. While others were happier and getting what they had expected. They managed to enjoy valentines and do the whole make believe celebration, while I got messages of disgust, pity or the manipulation seeds were just being planted.

It’s a year since the breakdown and in the past 12 months the world has changed significantly. I began my proper road to recovery last year with counselling and CBT. I found my home, I have 4 people who are closer than friends, I have had my low points where I considered the end, and I finally took the first steps to recover, I stopped and took the break I actually needed. Rarely home rarely heard from in Manchester or seen. I was everywhere but here getting myself prepared before the unknown could take full effect of my future. Which every day is, the great unknown.

The past year I have walked through hell and I have seen parts of my life crumble within my own hands. This isn’t where I have had to fight not to be free but just to stand up and breath and take a break from what is going on. Each moment each time it feels like the world is against me. But I still get up and I am still here.

The breakdown of 2015 was the big starting piece that made me try and clear up what is going on in my life and challenge the damage past I have. Which I can never change nor would I want to in the oddest way. If I did I might not be who I am today, yes still damaged but I still rise above the flames and the destruction that has been laid before me.

We are born into this world alone and we go out of the world alone, but during the days and years walking down the path, we aren’t alone. Sometimes it is good to take a break and be alone and spend some time alone where you get to do what you want when you want and enjoy your own company. The break from constantly being on the go can be exhausting and sometimes you could be running away from the problem.

It isn’t about being the most popular and having to be the center of attention instead just taking in the opportunities to be with people and to feel safe. Those that take every opportunity to be center of everything that is going on are hiding behind the image that they are god’s gift or to be the most important person in the room. Reality is they are hiding what is really going on in their world and are on the way to their own break in some kind. Furthermore, everyone is just as important as each other and you should have to fight to be that person who people want to be with. Instead people should want to be with you for that is an opportunity that could just stop at any second.

As this is the world of a manipulator, my heart is filled with love for my family and my friends it isn’t ugly not is it broken. Unlike the manipulators where their heart will always be black small and ugly!

Life can be flipped on an edge of a coin. And you never know what will be around that corner. It is time to enjoy and find what makes you happy. But also who.

I am ONE & I am no longer..on a break!

 

 

Prisoner

“Depression is a prison where you are both the suffering prisoner and the cruel jailer- Dorothy Rowe”

If you look around the room you’re in right now it has 4 walls a door and a window. You can move freely around the room, and the can see different colours. When you are a suffer and have hit the low point the doors the windows start to disappear and fade into the walls becoming a cold box with no escape. This is the prison that happens to those suffering from depression.

This week we marked Mental Health Awareness Day. With #timetochange, and I told the world of the battle I have faced most know about them already. Some have been surprised as they thought being up north and a recluse away from them I was happy. Reality was I was slowly losing the key to my prison cell.

A question I always ask is if you look at me do you see mental illness first or do you see me? Would you know I have sunk to the bales of hell in the past 10 years? Being succumbed by agony and the cell keys turning. The keys easily removed and being passed around to different holders. The keys becoming older and rusty now.

If you look at the below picture would you see what is really behind my eyes?

me

I have a big milestone coming up on the 13th February it will mark 1 year since my breakdown, and I began to seek help and advice with counselling, and then cbt. It took a lot to finally let the darkness out it was a final push to approach counselling, I have always been skeptical about psychologist or counsellors because of what happened when I was visiting my dad in hospital weirdly on the 17th February 2007 the psychologist made me relieve the whole event in front of my father awakening the depression and this monster with the jailer holding onto those keys the psychologist forgot about my feelings my emotions and was instead more focused on my dad.

For a number of years, I lived silently within the prison of the voices. Making it appear as if I was ok or was losing more and more of myself and becoming the shell of the man I wanted to be. The keys to the jail I was in was no longer with the psychologist but instead it was with me, I wouldn’t turn the keys for longer than a few days or weeks, I would never be happy with what I had. I became destructive in certain situations. With that I would have serious lows and consider taking my own life. Moving myself from a main cell into solitary confinement. Within the prison I would struggle to sleep struggle to speak and let events get the better of me.

Once my father passed I grieved like I have mentioned in “Loss” but then the key to the prison door unlocked for a period of time. The walls became clearer with colours and wallpaper being on the walls and the door no longer being closed but being open, same with the windows letting in the breeze.

On and off over the years I have finally started to have my lows but nothing as big or as hard as moving to Manchester, I had the breakdown of my relationship, falling for someone, but also letting someone to take over control of my mind and manipulating my thought process and the way I could rely upon my own moral compass. Some twists within my mind, the manipulator wanted to control and make it about them. Lighting the fire and letting the fireworks go off in my head, never really trusting anyone or seeking the help I really needed using the energy to change me against me in the way to make it seem as they cared and the way it was relatable. Giving him the key to my prison and pushing the cell walls further and further away from the realms of reality. Until finally the prison cell was pushed so far that it couldn’t move anymore.

Following the implosion of the cell I begun to recover and slowly rebuilt the walls and the blocks of the reality. Without knowing in building and giving some people more space into my mind and not leaving them in their own prison.

I am 30, never been in trouble with the law, I have always been hard working and fought for everything I have now. My reality is still fuzzy and clouds still come into view every so often and this week the prison cell is definitely taking more of a precedent than I should allow it to. This is the time of my life I should be celebrating what I have achieved and I have a lovely home which I live on my own, my own car, a good job, great friends & family. Then I give those that manipulate and twist the knife of control space to carry on and retain the keys to the prison.

2015-12-02 11.14.39

The past year the prison has been a big part of my life but then the biggest part has been some people have come more prominent in my life and they have helped save part of me, they have been on this journey with me where I pick up the parts of me I dropped. I have celebrated Christmas, birthday new years with people that are so close they are family.  I have also been rebuilding bridges with people and re building my confidence to actually go out and try to enjoy myself. I have been out twice on a big night out for new year’s & my birthday.  They are far from prison cells they were moments people I know were there.

My prison cell is still there existing and at one point I use to think my home was the prison, but it’s not, my mind is the prison and the more I focus on people who have damaged my life the more time I will be in this prison.

I am surviving, and I am survivor as well as I stopped from the voice. There is no explosives that will destroy this prison, but the more I am aware of this prison existing the more I know who holds the key the stronger I will be. As I hold the KEY.

I am ONE