Break

Have you ever had to just stop and take a “break”?

Each time the world seems to be set to be against you with every decision and every choice you make it just doesn’t want to go your way. Each time you get the setback it becomes more of an issue with more reason why it doesn’t seem fair others are surviving and getting the lucky break and then those that never seem phased or plagued by setbacks.

Breaks within life and the realms of normality, see to be more and more common with more people within society being signed off work due to stress related illnesses and mental health becoming more common place within society. With 1 in 4 adults being diagnosed with mental health illness, and 1 in 5 children having a mental health illness. It has taken numerous years for the numbers to finally force the government to change their way of thinking and actually start to give more financial support to mental health resources.

With this weekend it is the “Holiday” of love, valentine’s day! This is the weekend where most will go either way on the spectrum either super lovey dovey or extremely unhappy and lonely. For me I have never been spoilt on valentine’s day and the biggest difficulty I have with valentine’s day is it also marks my 1st year since my break down.

My breakdown last year was significant as it was finally when I admitted I needed help. I fell for someone and we became extremely close. We would do most things and just never be called boyfriends or partners. Instead it be one side getting more emotionally devoting then what was on offer. I was going through the motions of breaking up with my ex and then I didn’t really stop to just grieve the breakdown of my relationship. In the weekend of valentines 2015 I could see and feel myself becoming more and more isolated from the world no one actually saw what was going on as they only could see what I was letting them. People would notice my attitude had changed and it had become more and more implosive and each day of that period of breaking up I lost myself more than ever before. I couldn’t see any positives happening valentines weekend I was isolated alone plans constantly changing so others could have a good time while I ended up alone. My mood taking a drastic turn I no longer could laugh I was isolated and alone.

The breakdown was the first signs of how damaged I was as I didn’t feel I could cope or survive and back then considered if it was worth trying to carrying on. I got into arguments and became destructive and would only talk to few people rarely about what was going on. I defriended people and push others away because I wasn’t getting what I expected nor wanted. While others were happier and getting what they had expected. They managed to enjoy valentines and do the whole make believe celebration, while I got messages of disgust, pity or the manipulation seeds were just being planted.

It’s a year since the breakdown and in the past 12 months the world has changed significantly. I began my proper road to recovery last year with counselling and CBT. I found my home, I have 4 people who are closer than friends, I have had my low points where I considered the end, and I finally took the first steps to recover, I stopped and took the break I actually needed. Rarely home rarely heard from in Manchester or seen. I was everywhere but here getting myself prepared before the unknown could take full effect of my future. Which every day is, the great unknown.

The past year I have walked through hell and I have seen parts of my life crumble within my own hands. This isn’t where I have had to fight not to be free but just to stand up and breath and take a break from what is going on. Each moment each time it feels like the world is against me. But I still get up and I am still here.

The breakdown of 2015 was the big starting piece that made me try and clear up what is going on in my life and challenge the damage past I have. Which I can never change nor would I want to in the oddest way. If I did I might not be who I am today, yes still damaged but I still rise above the flames and the destruction that has been laid before me.

We are born into this world alone and we go out of the world alone, but during the days and years walking down the path, we aren’t alone. Sometimes it is good to take a break and be alone and spend some time alone where you get to do what you want when you want and enjoy your own company. The break from constantly being on the go can be exhausting and sometimes you could be running away from the problem.

It isn’t about being the most popular and having to be the center of attention instead just taking in the opportunities to be with people and to feel safe. Those that take every opportunity to be center of everything that is going on are hiding behind the image that they are god’s gift or to be the most important person in the room. Reality is they are hiding what is really going on in their world and are on the way to their own break in some kind. Furthermore, everyone is just as important as each other and you should have to fight to be that person who people want to be with. Instead people should want to be with you for that is an opportunity that could just stop at any second.

As this is the world of a manipulator, my heart is filled with love for my family and my friends it isn’t ugly not is it broken. Unlike the manipulators where their heart will always be black small and ugly!

Life can be flipped on an edge of a coin. And you never know what will be around that corner. It is time to enjoy and find what makes you happy. But also who.

I am ONE & I am no longer..on a break!

 

 

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