Statement

This isn’t a blog more of a statement, this isn’t the usual generic blubbering on. better

 Those that cast the first stone and decide its ok to remind me of my failures my lows my weakness maybe its best you look at yourself first before you try making me feel worst. Pick a side don’t pick a side I don’t care but don’t you dare try to judge me. As you don’t have the right too.

 I am ALEX and I am over being ill!

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Alone

Every time you fall in love or fall for someone it can go two ways. You can fall in love and be happy or you can fall apart and no longer be seen as the person you once were.

“Being lonely and being alone are two different things. It’s always unhealthy to be lonely but sometimes it’s healthy to be alone.”

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RAW

“Sometimes we just say “I just want you to be happy”, but deep inside in our hearts we know, we still want to be their happiness”

Have you ever brushed your hand across sand paper or a scouring pad? The rough material that scratches the skin and when you feel unclean and can only see the dark dirty matter you keep scrubbing and scrubbing until the skin is red raw.

That raw skin is sore to touch sore to look at and no longer rough but smooth and bright red the pain that you were trying to wash away has disappeared for a moment but you feel the pain from the raw emotions but also the red raw skin exposed to the elements. Every beat of the drum the heart pumps and carries on even when you are emotionally broken and the part of you that is protected from you’re the elements by your lungs & your ribs is more exposed and becoming damaged by your own hand but also from influence of others.

That fire that once burned inside to help you get up and try to be better and stronger than the day before, is no longer inside the fire is now on your skin exposed blistering and bringing the emotional torment from inside your mind to the outside on your skin. The only person who can see the blisters and the rawness & numbness is you.  People can see you are uncomfortable and aren’t right but they can’t understand why you’re not the person you were the day before. The better version of you, this version is lost in the realms of reality the destruction of that version has been painful and you have the scars on the newer rawer skin that has become more exposed.

Every day I get up and I will be honest first thought I survived yesterday. Let’s hope I do today.” I have had to fight and try to get myself to a position I can cope without breaking, like a fragile china doll. My mental health is very fragile and can be broken easily if I forget to protect myself. Not wrapping myself in cotton wool but protecting the raw already damaged shell that I have, that has had years of abuse and years of trauma to just get through and try to breath.

Some days are better than others and sometimes I let my fears get the better of me, this week I am scared of being alone. Running away of being in a room or a home alone, hearing the voices get louder and blocking them out. It’s a struggle and trying to make it through the darkness that the light is long gone and it feels like the light and the warmth of summer hasn’t been seen for a long period even when it could have been a few hours earlier. The darkness taking over the body sense feeling more on edge rougher and more exposed to the pressures that once wouldn’t have been a problem.

Considering the future and others who can and have moved on whilst I struggle is always a difficult pill to swallow and the emotional damaged that has been caused from other people and the way they have impacted and aided the theft of a year or more can become overwhelming. I always want my friends and loved ones to be happy and find someone that can help make them that. I just wish at times I could see beyond the past and see that my path is still being built.

Even when I have started, in my mind it is derailed and no longer clear in my mind instead it is very much clouded and foggy broken into piece even when all I want to be is free from the torment and the destruction the last year has caused me. How I nearly lost it all with my friends and how I see myself has dramatically changed in the past few days. Hearing people’s good news whilst my world crumbles, that people have now moved on, and I have influences that aren’t even in my life still coming into my mind and destroying my vision, also wishing it was me who was moving on. Forgetting this broken part of me and the destruction that once lay across my path that is no longer cold coals but an inferno of hot coals that walking over them is burning my soft delicate fragile skin that is now no longer soft it is now rough jagged and broken.

Daily a tiny bit of hope disappears and I have to pretend I am ok, when asked, “I am Fine” before really letting any other words tumble out of my mouth the simplest words I am fine, just make the moment pass and no one will know truly what is going on behind the scenes. As really do people really care if I have hit the brick wall and the way the wall is falling down but not away from me its falling on me, creating a new block a cave where the bricks and mortar are imprisoning my soul and my body preventing the any hope and light to break through and release the unhappy part of me.

Day in and day out I have to release parts of me and right now part of me is trying to cling on to my dreams and just let the dreams become history, finally saying goodbye to those hopes and knowing that sometimes a dream is nothing but that, a dream. Instead having to release these raw emotions of me in a safe and positive way is becoming daunting and facing the fear of finally letting someone in, and going out. I know very few people would understand what is going on in my head and heart and very few would want to be around me when I am like this. Also who would want me, as I am broken and damaged and some would say beyond repair. If I was others people looking in I wouldn’t want to be part of my life and dealing with this day in day out, I would want to be focusing on getting a better more completed person to spend time with who won’t bring me down from being happy or having to worry about.

I am one was all about the recovery and the good days the ugly disgusting truth that I have had to hide but also those bad days that I have always managed to spin into a positive to make it part of the good chapters but right now it is truly a struggle to see beyond each hour, and seeing beyond work which is a distraction.

I am…RAW

 

Scars

“Freedom consists not in doing what we like, but in having the right to do what we ought.
Pope John Paul II”

We go to work and think of the good times we could be having away from the monotony of work. To a friend of mine I call his place the cage of boredom. The madness that can consume the day, and the bleakest of minds.

Within the past 10 years if not more, I have faced more battles that I care to remember. Each scar hidden around my soul, damaged and a chapter of my life which I can never change no matter how much I pray for it to change, and my cards to been dealt differently. Some people will never know what the scars of my life have been and how much I have had to overcome in my life.

some-of-the-most-poisonous-people-come-disguised-as-friends-and-family-quote-1With each scar I have had some good and happy memories, from my childhood, to my parents making me a tunnel for my first Thomas the Tank engine to run under, my birthday parties with school but also having all my family around. Going to Thorpe Park with all my family winning lots of stuff cuddly toys. Getting to go away every year with my mum and dad. Waking up on Christmas morning, and my grandad was over and we were playing with all the toys I got from my family. Winnie the Pooh Dominoes was one of my favourite or going around my grandads and colouring in, and seeing my aunty. Baking with my nan every Wednesday after school, as she taught baking at my primary school on a Wednesday to the older school. Playing in my uncle’s boat as he was part of the navy.

Within those times I suffered sad times, as I lost both my grandads within a short space of time, and my uncle who is my godfather, seeing how upset my aunt was losing her soul mate, her best friend, her husband. She was never the same as after he passed away. I was forgotten by my dad, not on purpose but something always came up and he forgot he promised to do something with me, or mum or both of us. Getting to spend two weeks on holiday was the time of the year he wouldn’t forget about me, or mum as he was us away. He taught me how to say “Yellow Yolk” and some people will think that’s easy, well I can tell you it isn’t when you have a speech impediment, words can be extremely difficult.

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Other scars, my father getting drunk and giving me some horrible calls where he thought he was dying.  When I was 10, the fear of losing my dad when I was a young boy shaped my life. The tears and the scars remained long after the call had happened. My nan trying to comfort me and calm me down that my dad was ok. My dad forgot he had a family that had accepted him, but he didn’t know how to be a family man, after his family turned on him. He still wanted to be part of that life that circle. Instead of creating a new circle with the family that loved him and wanted him to be part of. My dad was scared of very few people, my grandad and my uncle they both knew the way the land lay and how you had to be. Especially my uncle, as I said above my uncle was always first a family man. He put my aunt and cousin first. My mum and her side of the family which I have and will always class as my only blood family, they always put me first I was the first child the first of the new generation. My younger cousin’s girls, weren’t and aren’t part of that by choice of their father. I recovered from the scar and the scare my dad put me through. Then I got to the teenage years and my nan had a stroke 15 years ago on the 20th march, after some disgusting human beings stole from her. Then less than 4 weeks later she sadly passed away after being told someone had broken into her home. I was away in America my last time I have been that far away from the UK. She wasn’t told he had a weapon and by all counts he would have been willing to use it. He aided the death of my nan. I miss my nan dearly same as all my family, she taught me a lot and I didn’t get to tell her how much I loved her or say good bye.

My Father antics over the years that followed stepped up with alcoholism being more prominent in our lives, and the destruction he was causing to our family and my life. Through making revision extremely difficult at exam time for 4 years, I had to deal with the seeing my dreams disappearing. I wanted to become a teacher. Alas dreams don’t always become a reality.

When I got my first proper job working at Clinton Cards, my dad drove me to the store for my very first shift. He stayed up until I got in so he could know how my first day had gone. He worked nights as a delivery driver.

When I was 20 I had worked hard and managed to get a store managers job for Shoe Zone, and I had been in the job since I was 19. He had a horrible accident where he came home drunk, and stepped on some exposed carpet grips on the stairs as we were getting new flooring put in the following day, he fell back and fractured c3 & c4 in his neck. I had to move him as he was struggling to breath. I had him resting on a step on the stairs as he was at the top of the stairs, he pushed himself up, and well he had no mobility in his legs, from the fracture he flew down the stairs destroying c3 & c4, breaking c5, c6 & c7/t1 making him fully paralysed. As he landed his legs were up the stairs but his body was in a different direction, I had to move him so he could breath. After doing this and he was taken to the hospital with my mum, I stayed at home, frozen of emotion, I went to work the following day as it nothing had happened but I had to tell people he had an accident but not knowing how serious it was, until my mum had told me. I blamed myself for a number of years that his accident was so server with neck injuries.

 

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For a month I couldn’t go near my dad or could I talk to him, it took me 3 weeks till I cried, I was watching TV as I came home early as I was scared of the stairs at work and my home but I copes to a point. I was watching “8 simple rules” where the dad passed away, and I burst out crying. That my dad was never going to be coming back home. Following the accident both my mum and I were accused of pushing him or being gold diggers, when going to see my dad was a big challenge as it took 2 hours to get to the specialist unit he was in Stanmore, compared to the of his family who could drive. Few months had past and I turned 21, was forgotten by my friends as they were busy, and didn’t want to celebrate my birthday. They didn’t know what to say to me but this was usual for them, they left me out of a lot of events. My other friends looked after me and made it fun and was nice to be with them. My dad was seeing a psychologist and she wanted me to tell him what had happened, her concern wasn’t my welfare but his. That broke every barrier and defense I had left trying to keep myself together and was the catalyst to my depression. My dad was ok as he had follow ups and was checked on throughout. I was just there as I knew everything that had happened and to the care team I wasn’t important.

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Throughout the time I had battles and many fights with his family as I only wanted what was right for my father. My dad’s family the outlaws didn’t respect me as I wasn’t a yes man, and I won’t tolerate lies or manipulation or threats. Seeing my dad in a wheel chair or a bed, unable to feed himself was one of the hardest things to deal with as I could no longer be picked up when I was hurt. When I got outted the way he came up to me and hugged me. Was no more, he couldn’t do that. The depression stayed with me until my dad passed.

When he passed I was glad he wasn’t suffering and how he put the family on alert how I won’t tolerate their rubbish. Some would go out of their way to use my past against me, and would go against my father’s wishes. But the scars built up and they have a lasting effect on my life.

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My ex-partner emotional abuse which he would forget I was there and focus on his ex, pander after him and instead of making me a priority like I made him mine, I was the afterthought. Promises being made and never kept. People hearing how he would talk to me in front of others but also the fact our relationship was very much one sided. This has impacted how I am now, as I don’t know when I have a good thing, or how I feel about people as I am very scared about my past repeating. For two and half years I pretended and allowed to be treated that way as I never thought I would find anyone who would want me.

When I broke up with him I was entering the most dangerous year I have ever had, as I had a break down in February, I fell in love, I got manipulated and would have constant plans changed on me for the manipulator and his sidekick. I lost so much last year as you are aware august I nearly left this world to join my family above as I found it was the only way out. I lost so much in the past 10 years and so much last year where I finally had to admit and try to let down my guard and seek professional help and medication path.

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Most happy memories of last year are tarnished with unhappy memories of people trying to influence and damage my relationships with people. Within days of reading “Trust” I was defriended on Facebook by a manipulator, his sidekick stayed on my Facebook until I deleted and blocked both of them on any social media outlet.

I have my days when I am so low and it’s a struggle to get through, especially if plans don’t materialize for a number of reasons can affect, and the influence of others getting a priority constantly takes its toll. As it takes a lot of energy to fight through the dark veil, and free me. I get up every day and fight to try and face my fears even when I have achieved it a few times, I still have to fight through the fear that one day it could be too much for me. How I will survive when I get the big knocks, and if I walk into those that bring back memories, that would hold such horrible scars that are the biggest of them all, that can take my mood and change the way I think about approaching subjects.

 

 

 

 

 

I know at times I can be difficult and argumentative and know I hurt people, but I hurt myself at the same time. The scars I have within are there and no matter what I do I know I have hurt someone and if people see this as weak that’s their opinion, but I don’t believe in upsetting people for the sake of it.

My life is a battle and it is a rollercoaster when it wants to be as it can just happen and my reminder is always going to be the Scars that I hide from the world. For years and even today I have said its better this happened to me as I don’t want to see them suffer. In the same breath I wish it didn’t happen to me and I wasn’t this person who was now controlled or a victim of depression. As it be nice not to have to fight against myself and not have to rely on medication to get me through the day.

I am ONE

This blog is to give thoses that know me a better understanding of who I am and what my life has been. 

Clear

Look at the sky, you can see the clouds, the sun but on the odd occasion, the sky can be clear and reality can become foggy and cloudy, with the mind being really unclear.

“All I want is a CLEAR mind & a HAPPY HEART”

Within society we have the view that the norms and values of the past are no longer the same as today’s society. We no longer are able to take people on face value as it can appear as if they don’t have an ulterior motive. Society has changed so much that we are now scared to even speak to a random stranger if you are lost.

We are constantly hearing about the political landscape about to change with the UK entering the referendum of being part of the EU.  Also the US landscape now being called into question and about to change beyond recognition if political powers get control. with both countries immigration is the biggest factor but we could be seen as losing our countries identity but that’s evolution, we have a chance to make our home lands greater than ever before, as those that come into the UK or the USA aren’t all after our money, they are coming here to save themselves from wars mentally psychically or emotional war, with the scars that will never heal. Lets stop listening to others and actual listen to our own voice and hearts.

It’s not about forgetting who we are or what we once stood for, but the world doesn’t stand still it has to evolve. With that we have to move beyond the past memories and the history that has been created and begin living in the now. We have a battle we all are a part of and that is getting through the day and still standing up and being who we are is a big battle with a lot of mini battles which will shape the big battle. Some with ourselves and some with others. Each battle will have a different impact and leave a different impression and shape to the way we live.

Their might be those you can never trust and never let back in and those that have damaged elements and influences. These people remove the hope of the future and the possibility of the future that once would have looked nothing like it does now. The bleak destruction that has happened within moments of personal gain. They gain isn’t the same as you would have expected as the destruction is short lived. Those that have caused the destruction are hiding away from their own reality and their own battles as they try to make others live it so they don’t have to delaying the inevitable battle. With the delaying the battle they are unknowingly creating a bigger and more devastating that the destruction created for other will be nothing but a drop in the ocean.

The reason this blog is called “Clear” is because it’s time to clear the cobwebs away and the clear the history and pack that up and put it back in the box and leave it back in the past. 10 years has had many battles many different challenges and many different reasons why giving up would have been the easiest option, but I have always been classed as “Resilient” where I never give up I fight and fight until I am stronger, and this is why my path ahead of me is clear

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For me I look at people who have caused destruction, in my life. They caused the pain because they made a choice. With that choice they didn’t realise it would be with the person who can see through lies, but I admit my flaws and I admit my mistakes.

My battles will never be over, nor can I say I will never look at the easy option, but I can say I will always fight!

I am ONE.

 

Beginning.

Tick tick tick, a time bomb inside your mind, the world is ticking and you’re just waiting for the implosion as you see the world raining down in fire. The alarms and the triggers are getting bigger and bigger making an impact to relationships to reality and to everything single part of you.

Depression can be seen as one face of a dice, it can be rolled as many times, no one knows what face will be showing or how the cause can be multiplied by the different number of dice are being used. A multitude of faces and a variety of levels of control this is no long a case of you’re a bit low, you need some sunshine. Depression can hide away from the world when it chooses too. It can also reappear at drop of a hat, making it one of the most unwelcome guests you will ever have. It can be so minimal that you won’t notice it has appeared and it is taking you over like a wave.

Influences and triggers of the destruction that will overcome the strongest people. It is no longer seen as the disease of the weak. The sheer number of people who have been diagnosed with depression from different reasons to have depression. The magnitude of the illness will differ from each person and each time the wave comes over the sufferer a wash of new fears and new issues taking more and more control. the big dog taking becoming more and more prominent within the life and preventing the sufferer from living their life and losing the themselves with every wave.

Over the months if not the years it has taken parts of me, destroying the last image or the last outer skin of me. Some people has seen the implosion of me and the new raw layers emerge wearing the pain on my shoulders and the scars as a war wound as if a medal of honour that I survived that event. Each event and destructive implosion taking bigger chunks of my personality away from me. Over the past 10 years I have lost those chunks and also had many war wounds only visible to me on my skin, that is hidden underneath each layer being ripped away.

Once in a while it can feel like the gate of hell have opened up and have taking control of destiny and every happy emotion and joy has been taken out of the world. It can feel like one of the loneliest places to be walking through the darkest depths of hell through the fire. Slowly in some case very slowly, walking away from the fire and onto yellow brick road finding small bits of happiness and joy and enjoying each moment finding the road is no longer an inferno instead it is warm welcoming and easy to walk. Seeing faces from the past smiling and joining me on the path walking with me not against me.  Those people who you lose touch with for no reason, come back on the path, they won’t be the same as before instead they will be there if I let them but also if they choose to stay around. Not being an afterthought of the individual.It is ok to say goodbye to those you love if they are destroying you.

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This past weekend, I did something I haven’t done in a while. I spent Friday with friends, and had a nice meal. Then Saturday back to my friends and spent the whole of the day with a great group of friends and went out. One of my first times I have gone out to Manchester since August. Helping to celebrate a friend’s birthday who joined the big 30 club for this year. We went for a meal and to a club for a party, I challenged myself to go out and enjoy myself without consuming alcohol. From my past, I grew up with alcohol playing a big factor in my father’s life, but also the outlaws live. My decision not to drink wasn’t so I could escape easily but it was instead to remain in full control of everything that was going on. Facing people associated to others and challenging the past memories.  Throughout the evening and the day, it was reassuring seeing people I haven’t seen for a variety of reasons but also talking to new people and encouraging remarks that I have a place in society but also with friends. Sunday the day of rest instead turned into seeing my friends again for lunch. It was a good weekend where I got to smile, laugh and finally be me.

It has taken me a year to finally have the blocks in place to protect myself but also to stand up and be able to support myself and others. My relief and freedom to no longer hide the scars away from the world and being able to share this weekend and a chance to feel equal to others. Is so powerful and helped me break through the blockade. With those people that have hurt and caused a scar to form, its time to close the book and leave them to write their own destruction and their own implosion will happen as nothing and no one can cheat their way out of that.

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To make the today special not only is it st David’s day, and tomorrow is someone very special to me birthday, I have been signed off from my therapy as I have made steady and consistent progress. Taking each step with a helping hand from those above but also with those who walk with me today.

This marks a big stage in my life that I have completed my 3rd therapy group by choice and I haven’t shunned away living. I have welcomed in life and taken the lows with the highs and sometimes there have been more lows then highs but it’s time to stop looking back at the past and the lows and leave them in hell where they belong and move forward and LIVE!

“Life is a roll of a dice…You Only Live Once.”

I am…. LIVING. I am ONE & I am a SURV;VOR!