Tick tick tick, a time bomb inside your mind, the world is ticking and you’re just waiting for the implosion as you see the world raining down in fire. The alarms and the triggers are getting bigger and bigger making an impact to relationships to reality and to everything single part of you.
Depression can be seen as one face of a dice, it can be rolled as many times, no one knows what face will be showing or how the cause can be multiplied by the different number of dice are being used. A multitude of faces and a variety of levels of control this is no long a case of you’re a bit low, you need some sunshine. Depression can hide away from the world when it chooses too. It can also reappear at drop of a hat, making it one of the most unwelcome guests you will ever have. It can be so minimal that you won’t notice it has appeared and it is taking you over like a wave.
Influences and triggers of the destruction that will overcome the strongest people. It is no longer seen as the disease of the weak. The sheer number of people who have been diagnosed with depression from different reasons to have depression. The magnitude of the illness will differ from each person and each time the wave comes over the sufferer a wash of new fears and new issues taking more and more control. the big dog taking becoming more and more prominent within the life and preventing the sufferer from living their life and losing the themselves with every wave.
Over the months if not the years it has taken parts of me, destroying the last image or the last outer skin of me. Some people has seen the implosion of me and the new raw layers emerge wearing the pain on my shoulders and the scars as a war wound as if a medal of honour that I survived that event. Each event and destructive implosion taking bigger chunks of my personality away from me. Over the past 10 years I have lost those chunks and also had many war wounds only visible to me on my skin, that is hidden underneath each layer being ripped away.
Once in a while it can feel like the gate of hell have opened up and have taking control of destiny and every happy emotion and joy has been taken out of the world. It can feel like one of the loneliest places to be walking through the darkest depths of hell through the fire. Slowly in some case very slowly, walking away from the fire and onto yellow brick road finding small bits of happiness and joy and enjoying each moment finding the road is no longer an inferno instead it is warm welcoming and easy to walk. Seeing faces from the past smiling and joining me on the path walking with me not against me. Those people who you lose touch with for no reason, come back on the path, they won’t be the same as before instead they will be there if I let them but also if they choose to stay around. Not being an afterthought of the individual.It is ok to say goodbye to those you love if they are destroying you.
This past weekend, I did something I haven’t done in a while. I spent Friday with friends, and had a nice meal. Then Saturday back to my friends and spent the whole of the day with a great group of friends and went out. One of my first times I have gone out to Manchester since August. Helping to celebrate a friend’s birthday who joined the big 30 club for this year. We went for a meal and to a club for a party, I challenged myself to go out and enjoy myself without consuming alcohol. From my past, I grew up with alcohol playing a big factor in my father’s life, but also the outlaws live. My decision not to drink wasn’t so I could escape easily but it was instead to remain in full control of everything that was going on. Facing people associated to others and challenging the past memories. Throughout the evening and the day, it was reassuring seeing people I haven’t seen for a variety of reasons but also talking to new people and encouraging remarks that I have a place in society but also with friends. Sunday the day of rest instead turned into seeing my friends again for lunch. It was a good weekend where I got to smile, laugh and finally be me.
It has taken me a year to finally have the blocks in place to protect myself but also to stand up and be able to support myself and others. My relief and freedom to no longer hide the scars away from the world and being able to share this weekend and a chance to feel equal to others. Is so powerful and helped me break through the blockade. With those people that have hurt and caused a scar to form, its time to close the book and leave them to write their own destruction and their own implosion will happen as nothing and no one can cheat their way out of that.
To make the today special not only is it st David’s day, and tomorrow is someone very special to me birthday, I have been signed off from my therapy as I have made steady and consistent progress. Taking each step with a helping hand from those above but also with those who walk with me today.
This marks a big stage in my life that I have completed my 3rd therapy group by choice and I haven’t shunned away living. I have welcomed in life and taken the lows with the highs and sometimes there have been more lows then highs but it’s time to stop looking back at the past and the lows and leave them in hell where they belong and move forward and LIVE!
“Life is a roll of a dice…You Only Live Once.”
I am…. LIVING. I am ONE & I am a SURV;VOR!