“Freedom consists not in doing what we like, but in having the right to do what we ought.
Pope John Paul II”
We go to work and think of the good times we could be having away from the monotony of work. To a friend of mine I call his place the cage of boredom. The madness that can consume the day, and the bleakest of minds.
Within the past 10 years if not more, I have faced more battles that I care to remember. Each scar hidden around my soul, damaged and a chapter of my life which I can never change no matter how much I pray for it to change, and my cards to been dealt differently. Some people will never know what the scars of my life have been and how much I have had to overcome in my life.
With each scar I have had some good and happy memories, from my childhood, to my parents making me a tunnel for my first Thomas the Tank engine to run under, my birthday parties with school but also having all my family around. Going to Thorpe Park with all my family winning lots of stuff cuddly toys. Getting to go away every year with my mum and dad. Waking up on Christmas morning, and my grandad was over and we were playing with all the toys I got from my family. Winnie the Pooh Dominoes was one of my favourite or going around my grandads and colouring in, and seeing my aunty. Baking with my nan every Wednesday after school, as she taught baking at my primary school on a Wednesday to the older school. Playing in my uncle’s boat as he was part of the navy.
Within those times I suffered sad times, as I lost both my grandads within a short space of time, and my uncle who is my godfather, seeing how upset my aunt was losing her soul mate, her best friend, her husband. She was never the same as after he passed away. I was forgotten by my dad, not on purpose but something always came up and he forgot he promised to do something with me, or mum or both of us. Getting to spend two weeks on holiday was the time of the year he wouldn’t forget about me, or mum as he was us away. He taught me how to say “Yellow Yolk” and some people will think that’s easy, well I can tell you it isn’t when you have a speech impediment, words can be extremely difficult.
Other scars, my father getting drunk and giving me some horrible calls where he thought he was dying. When I was 10, the fear of losing my dad when I was a young boy shaped my life. The tears and the scars remained long after the call had happened. My nan trying to comfort me and calm me down that my dad was ok. My dad forgot he had a family that had accepted him, but he didn’t know how to be a family man, after his family turned on him. He still wanted to be part of that life that circle. Instead of creating a new circle with the family that loved him and wanted him to be part of. My dad was scared of very few people, my grandad and my uncle they both knew the way the land lay and how you had to be. Especially my uncle, as I said above my uncle was always first a family man. He put my aunt and cousin first. My mum and her side of the family which I have and will always class as my only blood family, they always put me first I was the first child the first of the new generation. My younger cousin’s girls, weren’t and aren’t part of that by choice of their father. I recovered from the scar and the scare my dad put me through. Then I got to the teenage years and my nan had a stroke 15 years ago on the 20th march, after some disgusting human beings stole from her. Then less than 4 weeks later she sadly passed away after being told someone had broken into her home. I was away in America my last time I have been that far away from the UK. She wasn’t told he had a weapon and by all counts he would have been willing to use it. He aided the death of my nan. I miss my nan dearly same as all my family, she taught me a lot and I didn’t get to tell her how much I loved her or say good bye.
My Father antics over the years that followed stepped up with alcoholism being more prominent in our lives, and the destruction he was causing to our family and my life. Through making revision extremely difficult at exam time for 4 years, I had to deal with the seeing my dreams disappearing. I wanted to become a teacher. Alas dreams don’t always become a reality.
When I got my first proper job working at Clinton Cards, my dad drove me to the store for my very first shift. He stayed up until I got in so he could know how my first day had gone. He worked nights as a delivery driver.
When I was 20 I had worked hard and managed to get a store managers job for Shoe Zone, and I had been in the job since I was 19. He had a horrible accident where he came home drunk, and stepped on some exposed carpet grips on the stairs as we were getting new flooring put in the following day, he fell back and fractured c3 & c4 in his neck. I had to move him as he was struggling to breath. I had him resting on a step on the stairs as he was at the top of the stairs, he pushed himself up, and well he had no mobility in his legs, from the fracture he flew down the stairs destroying c3 & c4, breaking c5, c6 & c7/t1 making him fully paralysed. As he landed his legs were up the stairs but his body was in a different direction, I had to move him so he could breath. After doing this and he was taken to the hospital with my mum, I stayed at home, frozen of emotion, I went to work the following day as it nothing had happened but I had to tell people he had an accident but not knowing how serious it was, until my mum had told me. I blamed myself for a number of years that his accident was so server with neck injuries.
For a month I couldn’t go near my dad or could I talk to him, it took me 3 weeks till I cried, I was watching TV as I came home early as I was scared of the stairs at work and my home but I copes to a point. I was watching “8 simple rules” where the dad passed away, and I burst out crying. That my dad was never going to be coming back home. Following the accident both my mum and I were accused of pushing him or being gold diggers, when going to see my dad was a big challenge as it took 2 hours to get to the specialist unit he was in Stanmore, compared to the of his family who could drive. Few months had past and I turned 21, was forgotten by my friends as they were busy, and didn’t want to celebrate my birthday. They didn’t know what to say to me but this was usual for them, they left me out of a lot of events. My other friends looked after me and made it fun and was nice to be with them. My dad was seeing a psychologist and she wanted me to tell him what had happened, her concern wasn’t my welfare but his. That broke every barrier and defense I had left trying to keep myself together and was the catalyst to my depression. My dad was ok as he had follow ups and was checked on throughout. I was just there as I knew everything that had happened and to the care team I wasn’t important.
Throughout the time I had battles and many fights with his family as I only wanted what was right for my father. My dad’s family the outlaws didn’t respect me as I wasn’t a yes man, and I won’t tolerate lies or manipulation or threats. Seeing my dad in a wheel chair or a bed, unable to feed himself was one of the hardest things to deal with as I could no longer be picked up when I was hurt. When I got outted the way he came up to me and hugged me. Was no more, he couldn’t do that. The depression stayed with me until my dad passed.
When he passed I was glad he wasn’t suffering and how he put the family on alert how I won’t tolerate their rubbish. Some would go out of their way to use my past against me, and would go against my father’s wishes. But the scars built up and they have a lasting effect on my life.
My ex-partner emotional abuse which he would forget I was there and focus on his ex, pander after him and instead of making me a priority like I made him mine, I was the afterthought. Promises being made and never kept. People hearing how he would talk to me in front of others but also the fact our relationship was very much one sided. This has impacted how I am now, as I don’t know when I have a good thing, or how I feel about people as I am very scared about my past repeating. For two and half years I pretended and allowed to be treated that way as I never thought I would find anyone who would want me.
When I broke up with him I was entering the most dangerous year I have ever had, as I had a break down in February, I fell in love, I got manipulated and would have constant plans changed on me for the manipulator and his sidekick. I lost so much last year as you are aware august I nearly left this world to join my family above as I found it was the only way out. I lost so much in the past 10 years and so much last year where I finally had to admit and try to let down my guard and seek professional help and medication path.
Most happy memories of last year are tarnished with unhappy memories of people trying to influence and damage my relationships with people. Within days of reading “Trust” I was defriended on Facebook by a manipulator, his sidekick stayed on my Facebook until I deleted and blocked both of them on any social media outlet.
I have my days when I am so low and it’s a struggle to get through, especially if plans don’t materialize for a number of reasons can affect, and the influence of others getting a priority constantly takes its toll. As it takes a lot of energy to fight through the dark veil, and free me. I get up every day and fight to try and face my fears even when I have achieved it a few times, I still have to fight through the fear that one day it could be too much for me. How I will survive when I get the big knocks, and if I walk into those that bring back memories, that would hold such horrible scars that are the biggest of them all, that can take my mood and change the way I think about approaching subjects.
I know at times I can be difficult and argumentative and know I hurt people, but I hurt myself at the same time. The scars I have within are there and no matter what I do I know I have hurt someone and if people see this as weak that’s their opinion, but I don’t believe in upsetting people for the sake of it.
My life is a battle and it is a rollercoaster when it wants to be as it can just happen and my reminder is always going to be the Scars that I hide from the world. For years and even today I have said its better this happened to me as I don’t want to see them suffer. In the same breath I wish it didn’t happen to me and I wasn’t this person who was now controlled or a victim of depression. As it be nice not to have to fight against myself and not have to rely on medication to get me through the day.
I am ONE
This blog is to give thoses that know me a better understanding of who I am and what my life has been.