“Sometimes we just say “I just want you to be happy”, but deep inside in our hearts we know, we still want to be their happiness”
Have you ever brushed your hand across sand paper or a scouring pad? The rough material that scratches the skin and when you feel unclean and can only see the dark dirty matter you keep scrubbing and scrubbing until the skin is red raw.
That raw skin is sore to touch sore to look at and no longer rough but smooth and bright red the pain that you were trying to wash away has disappeared for a moment but you feel the pain from the raw emotions but also the red raw skin exposed to the elements. Every beat of the drum the heart pumps and carries on even when you are emotionally broken and the part of you that is protected from you’re the elements by your lungs & your ribs is more exposed and becoming damaged by your own hand but also from influence of others.
That fire that once burned inside to help you get up and try to be better and stronger than the day before, is no longer inside the fire is now on your skin exposed blistering and bringing the emotional torment from inside your mind to the outside on your skin. The only person who can see the blisters and the rawness & numbness is you. People can see you are uncomfortable and aren’t right but they can’t understand why you’re not the person you were the day before. The better version of you, this version is lost in the realms of reality the destruction of that version has been painful and you have the scars on the newer rawer skin that has become more exposed.
Every day I get up and I will be honest first thought I survived yesterday. Let’s hope I do today.” I have had to fight and try to get myself to a position I can cope without breaking, like a fragile china doll. My mental health is very fragile and can be broken easily if I forget to protect myself. Not wrapping myself in cotton wool but protecting the raw already damaged shell that I have, that has had years of abuse and years of trauma to just get through and try to breath.
Some days are better than others and sometimes I let my fears get the better of me, this week I am scared of being alone. Running away of being in a room or a home alone, hearing the voices get louder and blocking them out. It’s a struggle and trying to make it through the darkness that the light is long gone and it feels like the light and the warmth of summer hasn’t been seen for a long period even when it could have been a few hours earlier. The darkness taking over the body sense feeling more on edge rougher and more exposed to the pressures that once wouldn’t have been a problem.
Considering the future and others who can and have moved on whilst I struggle is always a difficult pill to swallow and the emotional damaged that has been caused from other people and the way they have impacted and aided the theft of a year or more can become overwhelming. I always want my friends and loved ones to be happy and find someone that can help make them that. I just wish at times I could see beyond the past and see that my path is still being built.
Even when I have started, in my mind it is derailed and no longer clear in my mind instead it is very much clouded and foggy broken into piece even when all I want to be is free from the torment and the destruction the last year has caused me. How I nearly lost it all with my friends and how I see myself has dramatically changed in the past few days. Hearing people’s good news whilst my world crumbles, that people have now moved on, and I have influences that aren’t even in my life still coming into my mind and destroying my vision, also wishing it was me who was moving on. Forgetting this broken part of me and the destruction that once lay across my path that is no longer cold coals but an inferno of hot coals that walking over them is burning my soft delicate fragile skin that is now no longer soft it is now rough jagged and broken.
Daily a tiny bit of hope disappears and I have to pretend I am ok, when asked, “I am Fine” before really letting any other words tumble out of my mouth the simplest words I am fine, just make the moment pass and no one will know truly what is going on behind the scenes. As really do people really care if I have hit the brick wall and the way the wall is falling down but not away from me its falling on me, creating a new block a cave where the bricks and mortar are imprisoning my soul and my body preventing the any hope and light to break through and release the unhappy part of me.
Day in and day out I have to release parts of me and right now part of me is trying to cling on to my dreams and just let the dreams become history, finally saying goodbye to those hopes and knowing that sometimes a dream is nothing but that, a dream. Instead having to release these raw emotions of me in a safe and positive way is becoming daunting and facing the fear of finally letting someone in, and going out. I know very few people would understand what is going on in my head and heart and very few would want to be around me when I am like this. Also who would want me, as I am broken and damaged and some would say beyond repair. If I was others people looking in I wouldn’t want to be part of my life and dealing with this day in day out, I would want to be focusing on getting a better more completed person to spend time with who won’t bring me down from being happy or having to worry about.
I am one was all about the recovery and the good days the ugly disgusting truth that I have had to hide but also those bad days that I have always managed to spin into a positive to make it part of the good chapters but right now it is truly a struggle to see beyond each hour, and seeing beyond work which is a distraction.