Story

Once upon a time a nursery rhythm was begun, the story of a princess finding there happily ever after. Mental health doesn’t help you see the happy ever after moment even if it is possible.

“Happiness is a journey. Not a DESTINATION- Ben Sweetland”

The story of seeing face adversity and battling through the dark and unruly conditions of the story the writer has begun to throw everything but the kitchen sink at the leading character the story is ongoing. It is when you reach the middle of the story the arch over lapping to the next chapter and the main characters becoming more at grief of the adventure. You see the story slowly changing there is a little more hope and light no bigger than a pin prick.

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Every day the small glimmer of light is getting the tiniest bit of bigger as each day goes past. The light slower becomes bigger and the warmth from the light is becoming more noticeable. The previous cold dark tunnel the story being written and you find a path. The path is getting a tiny bit clearer with the leaves being swept away from the main path with the gentle breeze. The past stories of the ghost writer are slowly disappearing becoming script on the wall so they piece of tattered posters that will come back and show reminders here and there.

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The nursery rhythm is becoming more realistic that the prince will come and save the princess from the clutches of darkness and unhappiness. They have a moment where the fork in the road is becoming more visible. The one turning is a clear route, the middle road is a mixture of clouds and light with some leaves and trees in the place. The other path, bleak darkness and unyielding path that has no relief, the relief you get from the other path’s you get in some rest bite.

The path is always undecided and they overlap are intertwined with the light and darkness. The complexities that life can deliver, all mixed in with the case depression can develop and voices become more difficult clearer and louder than ever before. They were never going to be quiet while the path is being decided. It can become filled with the trees & bushes with leaves dropped on the path.  No longer visible of where to turn or where to begin. Trying to find where to begin again or find where up is up. It can be difficult to see where you can actually start.

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Sigmund Freud once said “When inspiration does not come to me I go halfway to meet it” to be inspired by the past it can sometime take a bit of a push to find what makes us actually smile, the inspiration to wake up and get on with life and become the person we should be. Not only to inspire ourselves but also to inspire others to be happy and stronger. We are on this planet to inspire others to achieve great things. We are the movement that make the world spin and make those believe in what they can achieve. It takes a brave person to admit when they are in need of help to find the light and not be afraid of the what others will say, except those who are there to offer a shoulder and a hand to get you through and to inspire you to be better than yesterday.

We take the moment to be free and think we don’t need others every so often, the children stories where snow white has the seven dwarves or Cinderella they all had other people supporting them through the difficult times. So when we face an illness like mental health why do we hide away and shield the world away and pretend we are all ok? When really need someone when we are most at risk.

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“7 years” the traditional itch, and it some up life the movement and the goals to achieve hope. We go through stages and hope and we have the chance to grow and make the world a better place.

I am 30 and I have taken my fair share of battles and seen the destruction of others and how they have impacted not just my life but others. The voices become clear and loud but they get dwarfed by other voices. They become more distant no longer heard they are now being controlled by me. The voice is now my own. While others slate and try to destroy me and others around me. I have a belief if I wasn’t nice or a good person, they would try to destroy me instead they wouldn’t even know I existed or even consider the destruction they cast. The path is bleak at times and dark in places but other places it is sunny and happy, it out shown the past.

I have begun to believe in who I am and what I like, who I want to be and finally be happy. Not hiding away, slowly confronting the past and the dream of the future, settling down is becoming more of a happier and successful man. I don’t need or require a partner but it be nice to complete a small piece of the main puzzle.

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We see more and more within the news that the world is out to destroy itself in some form. We are losing why we are on this planet and the beauty to make it stronger and better place not just for us. For the future generations.

We are the change! We are future and We are writing the story for the future.

I am no longer ONE.I am Alex 

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“Listen stop and breath, it can only get easier once you have overcome the impossible burden you have faced”

 

Have you ever had a burden that feels like it is never going to lift, you look around at the walls and can remember the past memories haunting you. You could look at pictures on the wall and they no longer see what it actual was instead what it reminded you of when you were at the low points.

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If you look at the outside world doing the normality such going to the supermarket but you are hit in the car by an unsafe driver, it will stick with you for a while. The reminder of the place it happened the emotions the pain the suffering you went through and depending on the accident it will remain with you for a while.

 

This is the same when you have any traumatic experience, including a mental break. You avoid that place that memory as much as you can, you do everything you can to avoid the memories flooding back in. The points where you felt the weakest and the most vulnerable, and sometimes people won’t see that, they will only put their beliefs before yours, as they don’t understand how powerful the memories are. The point the brain is no longer being your friend it is protecting you from what? The unknown the trauma that you went through. Some people can anticipate a situation before it happens with just a feeling but not knowing why they feel on edge or anxious and their brain is trying to protect and help you through that moment. You could be on edge just because you are under a lot of pressure but then you could be on edge just because you have experienced a traumatic moment and are unsure how to defeat it and see beyond the memory and be FREE.

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A mental recovery depending on your treatment plan and the way you have approached recovery will differ. As you go through the recovery process you set milestones or goals. They will be small to start off with, could be to go within a certain distance of the memory. Taking that memory within hand but can feel like you will never defeat it. Over time you will set small goals and a number of big goals, the Goal to help you feel you have defeated a memory. Sometimes you can feel the freedom but it can only last slight freedom.

I have spent 8 months within the process of recovery, and the recovery isn’t going to have a timeline it is timeless as I will always have to fight the memories and the darkness. I took a bit of time off from blogging as I wanted to take a step of enjoying myself. Also looking at some of the milestones I needed to achieve. From what happened back in August a lot of the goals were created from there. Well since I took the break I have achieved a fair few milestones recently.

  • Introducing two friend’s groups, I have always been scared of doing this and have done this for my birthday but felt more nervous doing it in my home. I introduced 3 of my best friends to each other.
  • I spent the weekend with the same people at pride. Even going out to the meal and back onto canal street. I have been on canal street with other people, but I haven’t spent time with the same 3 people where it begun.
  • I walked out the office and walked into one of my friends and the man who messed with my head and exploited my emotions and my mental health. To the point he was willing to see it destroy me.
  • Approached a difficult situation with a few people and survived.
  • Meeting a fair few new people, who have made me laugh and smile a lot.
  • Even meeting my best friend new partner.
  • Being able to smile through the darkness and actually mean the smile that I can get through anything.
  • Continuation of the PHQ assessment from my CBT sessions being very low, and possibly getting to do a mindfulness course.
  • Driving near the spot it nearly ended it all.
  • Being able to be in the house and near the people who were there on that night barring two people. Feeling comfortable and secure and safe.
  • Thinking differently and actually seeing that I must be liked in some way. If I wasn’t people wouldn’t of want to spend time with me, or communicate on social media and WhatsApp.
  • Finally telling a few people who were in the dark about the situation, making them aware of the way I was treated and how they ran away from me when I needed them the most.
  • Saying No at work. Not taking on some of the projects, that I could have been doing but being realistic with my work load and also my work life balance.

2beea4b45c633b613fcba5ea05125c0bOnly a few milestones, but the biggest milestone has got to be, finally letting go, of august, the darkness and the moment the world looked like the most dangerous place to be. Finally looking at the good and the happiness that the pictures have around my home. The pictures my mum has given me, the village I live in, the town I work in. they aren’t prisons they are just a piece of the puzzle. Some of the puzzle pieces are yet to be discovered.

I say what is on my mind, the filter I once had is now turned off so I can speak openly. I am very much aware that there will be bad days and there will be good days, as we grow up and move beyond the stepping stones to recover you find out who you want to be. Slowing giving up on parts of you and others that are no longer working or wanted. Making that choice for what I want. Not letting others to dictate my future instead I dictate it, and those I want in my life. Those that don’t make the cut you were part of my life and will remain in the chapter where you built part of me. For the good or the bad. No matter what I will continue to grow with a bright future. No longer looking at being single for life instead loving myself and those I class as family. With that I will never be alone, as my family and friends won’t let me be alone, nor will I let them.

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Today I have become, FREE as the burden I had are no longer burdens, they are part of me making me stronger, no longer being held back by the misery I once had. I am growing and no longer afraid to make a mistake, I make many mistakes through life and now I embrace them and learn from it.

I am FREE!

We are ONE and are the SURVIV(;)R