I stand and I cry I feel I hurt. The words you hear from anyone who is suffering from a difficult situation. The time that you are going through and you are on the level that feels normal no longer in the deepest darkest parts of depression. You are in the grey the void, moving along calmly and confidently and ploughing through the issues and the problems that are being thrown are you.
Then it hits as if you have been plunged into an ice bath the cold icy water soaking into your clothes hairs on your arms and legs going into shock the body begins to shiver, the body shutting down and going into spasm and slowly the ice water consumes every part of your being, slowly becoming isolated and alone. No longer feeling the person you were when you were on the path has collapsed and the road is become slipped away into the ice.
That path has taken a sudden turn and the rain is coming down harder than before. It is going through every piece of your clothes and draining the colour out of you. The once pink skin now tinged with grey, sorrow and becoming sore. The eyes hiding the reality of what is going on behind the mask that has been put up to the world. The mask is so good it can fool everyone and anyone including yourself pretending it is ok and the wounds you once had won’t reopen again as it is taking over the body and soul like a wave of dread. Nothing is hitting the mask of what is happening off of your face. Every step feels like walking in quick sand. Sucking in the soul turning your heart to stone. No longer being allowed to feel the softness the kindness is lost being absorbed into the ether. The heart turning and breaking into piece with every beat. The mask doesn’t apply to just the outside of the body, but the whole person.
“We understand how dangerous a mask can be. We all become what we pretend to be.”
― Patrick Rothfuss
If you look at me do you see me as half a man or half a person because I have a mental health condition? Can you see the illness beyond the mask I wear hiding the scars and the wounds that no one can see until the mask is moved. I stand behind this mask same as everyone who hides how they are actually feeling the emotions that wish it could escape and fit in like everyone else. Removing the mask only briefly so no one can see the reality of when I struggle or the real me, who has put up a wall of defence to protect myself and others from seeing the mark of the last attack.
Recently I have had my first big lapse after everything I have gone through the past year. It finally happened as its normal to have bad low points in life. This time it was as if the world was crumbing in on me. As parts of my world was under attack within my working life to suddenly no longer feeling good enough to be with people or near. A reminder of the previous wars I have had against people when this whole fight begun, with my old mask finally removed and my then identity exposed to the world as a victim of depression. No longer feeling I could be part of society as a whole and I needed to hide away and not be seen by the world. a new mask now being worn that has been locked away never expecting for it to be seen or worn. The mask with many cracks and many scars attached, it shows the lapse and the wounds I have tried to forget form growing up being bullied, being emotionally abused, being alone a lot as people didn’t realise what they were doing. The traumatic events that have shaped and guided my life and created and the person I am. Even with the doors on those events firmly closed they are still showing on the mask.
Can I stop the illness, no the illness is now part of my life and is going to be a factor in those good and bad days that I know the so called “normal” world have. My days just seem to be more perpetual and more destructive on the occasion of the low points.
With this blog I wrote this when I was at a low point remembering my past the destruction and how my mask slipped and I was no longer holding myself together instead I was letting external factors to influence what was going on with who I was. The effects of some people can have on a persons persona where being called selfish, ugly, horrible person can hurt but when I look at who is throwing the insults and the digs at me. Has proven a something, they could be right but its most likely they are wrong, my intention and my path is very clear and I stand by my morals. I believe in being kind and supportive to the world and those that show the same back deserve my time, those who are just keep taking, and never being there in return do not have the upper hand. I was brought up to be respectful, some could say soft some would say weak. I say I am me! The people who want me in their lives accept me for being this clumsy, silly, tall who wears my heart on the sleeve. I accept my mask can fall and it will occasionally show more than I really want to show the world, but then again who mask doesn’t slip especially when you don’t want it to. Unless you have something to be ashamed of, and I am no longer ashamed of having an depression or anxiety.
I will not be judged as only having an illness I am just me, who has an illness but has many layers and many masks that shows who I am. Having the sad moments and the high points in life, its normality and when external factors come into fruition well I must have done something right as they have nothing better than to attack me. Go for it, as reality is I can dust myself off and get back on the horse again and still be true to me. Can you?
I am ONE