Dear Alex…

Dear Alex,

Your 20 and life seems to have been slightly rough for you so far being forgotten about by friends, and you took the direction of starting to work and focus on being a manager! You have worked hard the past few years and thought they were hard but, you are now 20 and sadly the next 11 years are going to be just as hard if not harder.

Before you turn 21 you will have the moment your life will change forever, your father is going to be involved in a life changing accident and he will no longer be the same as he will be in a wheel chair. The night of change will be a night of remembrance and many members of the outlawed family will accuse you of the accident that wasn’t your fault and you need to learn to accept that. You didn’t provide dad with any of the alcohol nor did you tell him to walk up those stairs. You will have to move him and you will have to decide which will seem hard and but it’s a life or death call. When you make decision to move him its ok his neck is already broken before you even touch him. It isn’t your fault, you don’t have to put a brave face on and try to carry on or feel guilty you can take time out and be there for your family and yourself.

You will a have to live with dad’s decisions if he wants to trust people you don’t agree with all you can do it try to protect him and support him and make sure he isn’t taken advantage of. The outlawed family will act as if they have not been hidden for the past 20 years of your life. You are 20 not 50, dad wants you to live and accept you didn’t do anything wrong. You have your life to lead and you can be there for your dad and your mum and still try to live! The world now knows your secret that you tried to hide from the world of being gay. Ignore the outlaws as they will hover like vultures and act as if they have always been there. You know differently, they will disappear when they see dad isn’t going to get better and they can’t have anything that is dads as it is yours and it’s all tied up in the estate. Now this is where the seeds of depression will be planted as you will have that fear of stairs and you will struggle to start with to overcome them but you will overcome it. Also, you will relieve that fateful night over and over in your mind and you need to stop it and let it go. It was a horrible accident and you had no control over it.

When you have turned 21 you will celebrate it won’t be the big birthday that you may have wanted but you will be with a small number of people that you laugh and enjoy yourself at the school disco in Hammersmith, others missed out as it was a great night. You got many kisses mainly from odd people but a few nice men too. Few weeks after you do this you will have an interview with the psychologist with dad next to you. Do not listen to them or be pulled into the room as you will be left on your own the psychologist will be focusing on dad not you! This will continue to plant the seed of depression and you need to be strong and accept sometimes it is best people not knowing the full story and dad is one of them. When you are struggling you need to talk to people they aren’t bad some of them are there to support you and will listen if you let them in.

Later in the year you will be faced with another hard hurdle when aunty passes on, close to her birthday and the night before you will be with family, the 4 of you will be in the garden united as the final 4 and you will be together. You will pull through this and will tell work how you feel and be in control you will lose the thorn in your side not long after. Also, you will make work aware you will take time off for your family as it is you family. You will see more change later in the year when you move to a new home, you will see dad in a wheelchair and see him in a care home, and you will have to hold yourself together. When work tells you that you can’t take the time off for your aunt’s funeral, you decided to make the change and find a new job which will be terrifying and completely different to what you are used to but you will grow to love the job and sell more than a pair of shoes! You need to keep your confidence as you know how to work with customers and you know how to get the best out of people you just need to keep you cool and take it on the chin.

With all this change and missing the people you have to talk to people when you need them as they won’t know what is going on in your head if you don’t tell them. Same time you need to make friends with people and stop holding it in. you will make friends with people who are completely idiots and don’t deserve you as a friend. That is normal and they will soon show their true colours. You don’t need to accept their poor choices as your own. Be your age and live your life Alex as no one else will live it for you, and you don’t need to be a keyboard warrior or live your life through other people instead you have to live it for you.

For the next few years you will feel isolated and alone but as I said above you need to move beyond your circle of friends and make a new path that is focused on you instead of focusing on everyone else. Also, you have had a bad deck of cards dealt as you keep saying “it’s better it happened to you rather then one of your friends” well you don’t deserve it and nor should you feel it’s better for you. Instead it just happens and you have been strong so far and have had to pull through a lot this has made you a better person. Many will have crumbled and cracked before now, keep your head held high and keep it high. You will be forgotten about by people but that is a choice they have made and yes some of their choices will be immature and you will not know what to do with yourself at the time but you will get through this.  Don’t let your mind dictate who or what you want to do, you can do anything you want when you put your mind to it and be the person you want to be.

When you turn 27 you will have a very big shock and a biggest change you have ever faced in life. Dad will finally be at peace and he will make the decision to be at peace. This will be devastating and he will pass on his birthday. You will be there and you will have to keep strong as you will have to deal with the outlaws and put them in their place a lot as you will lose your father and that is the most important part, they are losing one of their own who they share some DNA with but they won’t have the memories you have with your dad or learning how to say, “yellow yolk” they won’t know this and you will. The cousin who is jealous of you will be there and say she is losing her uncle and make you feel bad for not always being there for dad but he admitted he wanted you to live! And he said this in front of them all that he wasn’t always there for you, this is a big thing as you have never heard him admit his mistakes like this or that he is proud of you. Spend the time with your dad and the rest of them will have to disappear. You will go through the argument with them as they are jealous of your relationship with him, as they will be guilty of where they have been for the years and they will never admit this to anyone.

Your friend won’t know what to say or how to act with you as they don’t know what has been going on and you need to make sure you make time for them. Don’t keep being a lone wolf and suffer in silence. For many months, you will fight with the outlaws and there will be a point you will slowly start to live. You will have a fantastic holiday to Murcia with 3 great people. Work will be supportive about taking time away and coming back into the business, you will slowly start to build the confidence to make new friends and start a new life as you want it and attend your first big gay event such as Manchester Pride and you will also get the confidence to go to Edinburgh to attend Bearscots. You will go to both events and you will have a great time and you will even leave one of the events with a boyfriend which you didn’t anticipate ever happening.

You will be happy for a while and you will be confident and make some big changes over the years with a career change and move from where you call home of London. You are with him and eventually you will have to let him go the sooner you do the better as he will hurt you and not make priorities you before his ex and you will always play second fiddle, he will mess with your mind and make you feel inferior because he forgets how important you are.

When you make the cut, you will go into a spiral and start to live your new life and lose the confidence and start to encounter the worst depression as it will have all mounted up to implode in your mind. Throughout you will have some people playing games with your mind manipulating you and you will find someone who has helped to make you feel human for a brief period. You will find you finally snap and your mind will implode, you will take the time you need to regroup and rebuild your mind. You will regroup and settle into your new environment with a new home that you can call your own. You need to reject the negativity and remove all the toxic people from your life they don’t belong in your life.

As you grow and mature and find your safe space in your mind, then you will encounter more difficult challenges over the year you must pick who you want to be associated with and if you want to be involved in the challenges. You can take a step away when you need from some people if you do not agree with people’s morals or past decisions. Remember you know the difference between right and wrong and those who stand with you. You also must move on and accept somethings may never happen its life and you have proven over 11 years with all the fight and battles you have had you deserve to be happy and find that person who deserves you.

You have to let people into your life and you need to be honest with others and make them aware of how you feel. The person you might wish to be with may not actually be the right person for you. Don’t wait for Mr right now wait for Mr Right and enjoy yourself in the now. You deserve it, and you need to accept it as well. You are stronger then you will ever believe.

Love

ME.

X

 

 

 

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Hurricane

11 years ago, I began this fight that I never knew what it would become a life changing fight that would alter everything I do and who I am. I grew up alone, I was a victim of being bullied for being me, I was the fat kid.

This battle that takes control and bigger than I am or the ever can be. the disease is described as “the Big Black Dog” it starts off as a little fluff ball of doubt smaller than a grain of rice then it grows like a puppy until it’s a fully-grown dog that can grow to full size with a bat of an eyelid, but won’t shrink or disappear as quick instead it lurks in the darkness or rolls over for its belly to be scratched thinking you have beaten the incurable illness.

The hardest part of the battle I found that the lapses are manageable but the relapse I have been fighting off for the past few weeks trying to see a hint of light through the cloud and just not being able to find the break in the cloud instead I have had thunder and lightning flying in my head. As a hurricane causing a barrier between me and the outside world and I am caught in the eye of the hurricane. The eye of the hurricane the most dangerous part of the entire event, nothing can get in and it you feel the calmness within until suddenly you see a car flying past before your own eyes. With every spiral, it gets more issues added to it making it a bigger and unmanageable or uncontrollable.

My latest black dog has yet to be given a name as it is a newer dog, and part of me feels it should only be called the one thing that flows through my mind now of “hurricane” currently my lounge feels incredibly small when in the face my lounge is spacious. Space has been taken up by a very large black dog with a paw on my chest trying to keep me down and to stop me typing and clear my thoughts. The fear for the hurricane is simple when he is smaller and just big enough to fit back in Pandora box. Yes, I said it in the pretense that I will defeat this illness.

So, what brought this on, as you may or may not have read I have fallen for someone who won’t reciprocate the same feelings. I have had a lot of work pressure recently with new job role and some poor choices of my own, not listening to my mind and saying “STOP”.  I should say this is keep saying yes and volunteering which I need to stop doing and say NO. 

On my way into work for a few days I already figured out how to end my own life, but I fought the voices back and told them no. One of the days my will was quite low and weak and felt it just take one step and it is over with. I did take that one step, backward away from the danger. I have also been experiencing nightmares of losing my mum which makes me cry every time I think of this nightmare. Friends who I don’t notice I am slipping into this spinning fortress of pain as they see the outside I appear fine and I say I am fine but I’m not I am hiding away the problems as I know people are having their own battles. This is something I should have learned previously as it was a big factor in my last breakdown.  Also, not being noticed people can see through me as I stand in a room and just look right through me as if I don’t exist, probably because they can see I am uncomfortable and have no confidence to say “hi”. Some of my friends are popular and have bags full of confidence and never let the mask slip and the exude confidence by the gallon and there is me who just doesn’t have an ounce of confidence to speak. Instead, I slip away into the shadows away from the eyes. It’s same with apps people don’t notice me as I have morals and ethics and I appear nice or too nice.

Most the trigger points anyone can go through it is common for people with a mental health illness to go through several triggers that create a bigger chain and a bigger event that you could never predict.

I am embarrassed with myself for letting this reoccur when I knew what the warning signs were and the trigger points were being reached and I didn’t listen to my own mind, but the Hurricane as I write this no longer has his paw on my chest trying to stop me instead it has given me back my sofa and breathing has got a little easier.

With embarrassment, it also gives me the encouragement to embrace the illness same as before and take control of Hurricane but also the trigger points. I have been to see my doctor and have begun another course of medication but also restarting counseling and other wellbeing support apps that are available on different platforms. Yes, I am fighting and yes, I going to put all the lessons I learned before but this time get them reinforced. My blog helped me last time as I got a lot out of my mind and onto virtual paper which the hurricane that is ongoing in my head throws the paper out of my hands and into the world to see. I won’t deny this blog could go dark and twisted but it can also show light and hope and peace of mind in some way. I must do this for me which last time I did but it was more for helping that one in four people who face mental health issues. This time I am ONE and I am fighting out of this illness.

 

 

 

 

Puddle

When you were a child and you saw, a puddle would you jump into the puddles in your wellingtons getting a little splash and getting a surprise if the puddle was a bit deeper than you expected. A bit like the on the vicar Dibley where Geraldine jumps into a puddle smiling and so in love with here on screen boyfriend but the surprise of the puddle wasn’t shallow it was very deep and she goes as low as she can.

 

The lowest points in life are when you are seen just by the outside persona and not the person you really are. Sometimes life will give you lemons and you have choices of making lemonade or squeezing the lemons onto pancakes. This can happen when everything has been going well for so long and then suddenly you walk into a wall which you weren’t expected to see and you trigger a course of events and feel like the world is against you. When you look around and you can see the path of destruction that the world is smiling with everything that is going well for them and you look at yourself and there is nothing but destruction mess and chaos. Sometimes the chaos could be dangerous or unsafe when you are facing problems with hearing voices, and they come over with all the emotions and the un-surety of where to turn when they can’t see anyone nearby who will stand with them.

The deeper the puddle becomes and the harder it becomes to pull themselves out of the puddle as the muddy walls have started to collapse and trapping your feet so they, struggle to claw around at the grass nearby to keep your head above the puddle’s surface. Slowly being dragged under the surface of the murky water feeling the pull from the silo of mud pulling you under the fight to keep yourself above the water becoming harder and harder slowly losing sight of the sun above as you are going further below the surface of the puddle. The hope that someone will see you have bene pulled under and they will put them arm in to save you from drowning in the chaos that is happening. For some people, this will never happen and no one will be there to save them from being dragged under the watery surface. Whilst others may get saved and find the ability to breathe and escape the watery grave that will end the chaos in their mind but not the chaos around them.

Each time I write I give a part of myself closure that a scar has been opened and are now closing and slowly being put to rest. The emotion that can close the suffering and the pain of what has happened in the past and the way some people have hurt me and how I have hurt myself and let my emotions become controlling and how the control my life and emotions.

I am currently going through the similar feeling of Geraldine except I didn’t have someone who I have been in a relationship with. Instead of I have emotions for someone who doesn’t notice how I feel or how much they mean to me. While they begin to start seeing the world with the variety of colours and I am slowly losing the colours in the world and they are becoming darker and harder to see the vibrancy of the colours in the world. the reason I have fallen this hard is because they saw me for me, a human being and that I have a kind heart that I wear on my sleeve, being cheeky and a nice person, who believes in being a good person and hope that being nice and good will bring good things to them and others.

The reality is being a nice person doesn’t mean you get the rewards you feel you deserve, doesn’t happen sometimes you must work and work and work until there is no way of finding that goal it might not happen the way you want. I have 2 simple goals in life

  1. My family and friends are happy and they don’t have to experience any pain or suffering.
  2. That I will find someone who will love me for me, not as a piece of meat, but as a human being who believes in ethics and has a moral compass I know what is right and what is wrong.

I don’t ask for much I am not asking for personal gain with money or materialistic possessions. I want to find that person who loves me for me including all my quirks and not as an object. I am currently deep in this puddle that is life and that the puddle is pulling me under with the mud and clay and struggling to breathe a find who I was this time two weeks ago. Momentarily finding the odd spark that brings back small bits of my identity but then it goes fast enough.

I just wish the person I liked would see how it hurts and how I wish it would have been a different story. I also want my friend to be happy and that’s the ultimate thing. I have slowly started to lose any hope of happiness for myself and can hope for the future for my friends and family.

 

Mountains

We breathe, we bleed, we cry and we fall, but we all rise.

I am standing on the brink of destruction at the top of the mountain that I have built every single day. Slowly and steadily taking each step carefully, with the odd cliff created along the way built with a path for me to walk. The path’s near the cliff are blocked by big boulders blocking the road as I walk along stopping me from encountering them again.

The biggest boulder blocking the road where I should not go. This blocks the hardest and darkest part of my life and where there are the loudest voices. Reinforced with many stones and sticks preventing me from getting access to the road I should avoid. The biggest cliff is nearest the top of the mountain with the biggest drop just below the peak. As I have built this mountain I have invited people along on this journey and some have joined me on the road to the top of the mountain and some have come along on journey but have tailed off on their own path on their own journey.

While I carry on working on myself I get lost and begin to question if I have made the right decisions with everything I have gone through should I be me when I never appear to win or get that lucky break to find happiness along this very long journey. I look at what I could have had if I wasn’t this person, as being me doesn’t mean I get the happy ending. I have worked and had to fight through the darkness for years and all I want is the happy ending with someone special who treats me the right way instead of being beaten down into submission. There is a person I have loved for years and hoped one day I might get that chance with that person as they were the first people to treat me like a human being when I had ended my past incidents.

While I have had many happy memories I still have the sad unhappy memories which I have a boulder on trying to shield away from the pain that I have caused and have also suffered. They go back to the point of my breakdown and a night my world imploded all around and I ended up alone very much alone. The night was meant to be exciting and joyful as it was pride. The Parade has happened and the day was tainted with a cloud that was flooding in fast and dark and heavier.  Influences and voices coming in from all sides and being made to feel like the unwanted gooseberry was so much to take. I ended up being alone walking through a town at midnight crying my eyes out wanting and willing it to all stop from the voices to the emotions of hurting and not being here anymore. Crying out for help with people who I knew would be there and help me through in some way. I was unable to drive away and escape the chaos due to having alcohol in my system and knowing I wanted to end all of this was all I wanted but not to take others with me. Receiving text messages of what would be the worst situation for me to walk back into to make me feel like I have no control and no escape. I wasn’t wanted and so begun the mountain and the first cliff I had to avoid. The following morning, I had to encounter trying to pull through as I survived the night that the voices didn’t get me. Instead, I was crying most the night and feeling lost and damaged. The dreams I had once had smashed and no longer a dream more a nightmare had happened I was losing control of my mind and my body was telling me to RUN keep running don’t look back and run to the nearest of escape point that I could end the pain I was suffering. I ran and ran and had the odd message and I got to a point where I stopped running and looked at the messages through the tears. The tears burned with animosity and isolation how I deserved to feel this way and deserved to be alone. There was no one with me or around I went against the voices telling me to keep running I made a cry for help and someone came they came. I was in no fit state to do much where I was standing I noticed a broken glass bottle and the voices picked up on this that I went against the voice and there was an escape was messier then it had planned for me. I was no longer in control the voices was controlling me. Once my cry for help arrived we walked I stumbled and mumbled what was going on. The voices were telling me to stop and I was mumbling and going against every time it said STOP.

My realization, that my dreams were most definitely over having finally lost every single part of me my fight with myself was now changing into a different fight. For many months, I went to friends I could escape from being at home so I could focus on a way to survive with the loss of someone I loved so much it hurt. There were days all I wanted to do was the message and go back to how it was before the walls and world broke. All I wanted to be held and told it to be ok and I wasn’t this damaged a mess that someone would love me and I could find happiness which was and still feels impossible after everything the past 2 years. for the time, I was focusing on me and the being away from the real world of social media and the normal conversations of work and life beyond a condition that had become a major part of my life. The fear of being judged for being ill or taking time out because the invisible illness it was and still is a taboo that mental health illness is in some people eyes just something in your head when really there is nothing worth than being in your own head and trying to tell the thought so to go away and get back into Pandora box and to remain in there as you don’t know who opened the box or who has the key but it isn’t welcome to the conversation or the party.

The mountain is deep and the mountain is high and the peninsula of the mountain is a long and deep road and me still to this day doubt I will ever get to the top feeling I deserve love or happiness. My dreams have changed over the years and I have become more open to the idea of marriage and having someone I could love and say is my partner and it is recognized as equal to the all.

I had got to point where I have felt comfortable and have felt calm and the random parts of this mountain the water is still and peaceful my mind had become at ease. I began a relationship and I was nervous about it after my last relationship ended in mental torture where I was never good enough to be loved or treated the same as others. I wasn’t good enough to be treated as a partner instead I was the afterthought and never visited instead I was the mug that went through with this for years. This relationship affected me still how I never fully feel I am an equal or that I can ever be loved. I won’t go into much about my last relationship as I usually get a right to censor suddenly appear but it ended at Pride 2016 and has systematically made me more self-conscious than ever before as part of my heart have not only had a scar on it but the scar will never close. Same as my first relationship it has an open wound. The Mountain has encountered more broken bridges along the way and the cliff edges have become more unstable along the way. The lakes are no longer calm or at ease instead, they have turned into rapids with big spikes in.

Following both failed relationships which I won’t say was all on my past ex I have some responsibility to them failing as well as I allowed them to change and take control and allowed the behavior was my downfall. I have worked hard for me the past 11 months to find me. Ignored the voices and tried to find my happiness which I thought I might be a step closer to which I was very much wrong about. Instead, I ended up being more alone and more lost and hurting just the same as I did 2 years ago. Which more worry and fear than ever before in my body and soul that the voices were finally right I don’t deserve anything other than pain and loss and to feel this way. Sad to say the person I had always had hopes for to ask me out won’t ask me out for so many reasons they won’t partially they deserve better than someone like me. I am currently away and nothing changes, I sat here and write a blog and I thought I had finally been able to put an end to feeling like this. I sat and wrote why people don’t need me or want me,

·         Ugly

·         Fat

·         Unhappy

·         Crazy

·         Not important

·         Gullible

·         Abused

·         Freak

·         Disgusting

·         Not in the same league

·         Suicidal

·         Damaged

·         Stupid

·         Disappointment

·         Dead behind the eyes

·         Forgettable

·         Convenience

·         Weird

·         Bland

·         Beneath people

 

Some will say this is the voices and the disease taking control but these have been the emotions I have had for years about myself. I was the last pick for every school event, as I wasn’t the popular boy or was I really wanted around as much by my friends as they made new friends who were the popular kids and the ones everyone knew of. I was the one that hung around with outsiders and intelligent guys. I was a band geek who enjoyed being friends with people and I worked hard to achieve what I achieved in school. I had a lot of challenges within studying and achieving my goals. I still am working hard on improving myself. I never got the chance to date or any of the normal stuff kids get up to as I was forgotten about instead I was the joke to some people as I was the forgotten kid. No one would notice I was there unless they needed entertainment.  I brushed away the bullies and the comments of how I had double chins and wasn’t much more than a blob as kind hearted as kids can be they can be just cruel.

I walked up the mountain and in a way, I just seemingly kept walking around the same path and not climb the mountain to control my future. It has taken me 12 years of dealing with this disease and fight through and try to push through and get out of bed every single day. I have had to fight for everything I have now and how I am still standing is a small miracle as I have had to put so much of my heart soul and body on the line to get me through the darkest parts of my life. Some things no one should ever see like their father falling in hurting himself or being threatened with dirty needles or a knife.  I saw my dad take his final breath on the 22nd January 2012 at 00:54 I was the only person in the room. I sat in the funeral car with only one person praying this was only a dream that my dad wasn’t dead instead it was a horrible nightmare and the route I was taking wasn’t past my families homes of my departed aunt and uncle or nan and grandad. Filling the funeral car with my family that no longer walk this earth but walk above with my father joining them above helping him to recover from his accident and to walk again. To being out for a very late birthday meal to how being a child and how your dad would pick them up when they fell over I had lost my father 6 weeks before. Still devastated staying up every Saturday until the same time to say goodnight to my dad, I did this for a year missing my dad and my family.

Getting older my dreams changed and as I said about getting married I always believed I didn’t feel the need to get married as it’s a piece of paper but not only is it equality but it’s a bond between me and that other person that makes it special and growing up as an only child and it’s the question you always get asked would you want to have children, and honestly I would but I would want to adopt as we have so many children within child services who need a home and need the care they deserve. But alas it’s all a dream and right now I doubt I ever will get to achieve any of them. It’s just the way my set of cards were dealt and reshuffled again and again.

My mountain is hard to climb and fight through the darkest gloomiest parts of the mountain and avoid the cliff edges.  I know I can be hard work for my friends and my family as I have so many issues that people can only hear so many times.  Also, there are only so many times I can keep pulling myself through the hardest and darkest moments.