We breathe, we bleed, we cry and we fall, but we all rise.
I am standing on the brink of destruction at the top of the mountain that I have built every single day. Slowly and steadily taking each step carefully, with the odd cliff created along the way built with a path for me to walk. The path’s near the cliff are blocked by big boulders blocking the road as I walk along stopping me from encountering them again.
The biggest boulder blocking the road where I should not go. This blocks the hardest and darkest part of my life and where there are the loudest voices. Reinforced with many stones and sticks preventing me from getting access to the road I should avoid. The biggest cliff is nearest the top of the mountain with the biggest drop just below the peak. As I have built this mountain I have invited people along on this journey and some have joined me on the road to the top of the mountain and some have come along on journey but have tailed off on their own path on their own journey.
While I carry on working on myself I get lost and begin to question if I have made the right decisions with everything I have gone through should I be me when I never appear to win or get that lucky break to find happiness along this very long journey. I look at what I could have had if I wasn’t this person, as being me doesn’t mean I get the happy ending. I have worked and had to fight through the darkness for years and all I want is the happy ending with someone special who treats me the right way instead of being beaten down into submission. There is a person I have loved for years and hoped one day I might get that chance with that person as they were the first people to treat me like a human being when I had ended my past incidents.
While I have had many happy memories I still have the sad unhappy memories which I have a boulder on trying to shield away from the pain that I have caused and have also suffered. They go back to the point of my breakdown and a night my world imploded all around and I ended up alone very much alone. The night was meant to be exciting and joyful as it was pride. The Parade has happened and the day was tainted with a cloud that was flooding in fast and dark and heavier. Influences and voices coming in from all sides and being made to feel like the unwanted gooseberry was so much to take. I ended up being alone walking through a town at midnight crying my eyes out wanting and willing it to all stop from the voices to the emotions of hurting and not being here anymore. Crying out for help with people who I knew would be there and help me through in some way. I was unable to drive away and escape the chaos due to having alcohol in my system and knowing I wanted to end all of this was all I wanted but not to take others with me. Receiving text messages of what would be the worst situation for me to walk back into to make me feel like I have no control and no escape. I wasn’t wanted and so begun the mountain and the first cliff I had to avoid. The following morning, I had to encounter trying to pull through as I survived the night that the voices didn’t get me. Instead, I was crying most the night and feeling lost and damaged. The dreams I had once had smashed and no longer a dream more a nightmare had happened I was losing control of my mind and my body was telling me to RUN keep running don’t look back and run to the nearest of escape point that I could end the pain I was suffering. I ran and ran and had the odd message and I got to a point where I stopped running and looked at the messages through the tears. The tears burned with animosity and isolation how I deserved to feel this way and deserved to be alone. There was no one with me or around I went against the voices telling me to keep running I made a cry for help and someone came they came. I was in no fit state to do much where I was standing I noticed a broken glass bottle and the voices picked up on this that I went against the voice and there was an escape was messier then it had planned for me. I was no longer in control the voices was controlling me. Once my cry for help arrived we walked I stumbled and mumbled what was going on. The voices were telling me to stop and I was mumbling and going against every time it said STOP.
My realization, that my dreams were most definitely over having finally lost every single part of me my fight with myself was now changing into a different fight. For many months, I went to friends I could escape from being at home so I could focus on a way to survive with the loss of someone I loved so much it hurt. There were days all I wanted to do was the message and go back to how it was before the walls and world broke. All I wanted to be held and told it to be ok and I wasn’t this damaged a mess that someone would love me and I could find happiness which was and still feels impossible after everything the past 2 years. for the time, I was focusing on me and the being away from the real world of social media and the normal conversations of work and life beyond a condition that had become a major part of my life. The fear of being judged for being ill or taking time out because the invisible illness it was and still is a taboo that mental health illness is in some people eyes just something in your head when really there is nothing worth than being in your own head and trying to tell the thought so to go away and get back into Pandora box and to remain in there as you don’t know who opened the box or who has the key but it isn’t welcome to the conversation or the party.
The mountain is deep and the mountain is high and the peninsula of the mountain is a long and deep road and me still to this day doubt I will ever get to the top feeling I deserve love or happiness. My dreams have changed over the years and I have become more open to the idea of marriage and having someone I could love and say is my partner and it is recognized as equal to the all.
I had got to point where I have felt comfortable and have felt calm and the random parts of this mountain the water is still and peaceful my mind had become at ease. I began a relationship and I was nervous about it after my last relationship ended in mental torture where I was never good enough to be loved or treated the same as others. I wasn’t good enough to be treated as a partner instead I was the afterthought and never visited instead I was the mug that went through with this for years. This relationship affected me still how I never fully feel I am an equal or that I can ever be loved. I won’t go into much about my last relationship as I usually get a right to censor suddenly appear but it ended at Pride 2016 and has systematically made me more self-conscious than ever before as part of my heart have not only had a scar on it but the scar will never close. Same as my first relationship it has an open wound. The Mountain has encountered more broken bridges along the way and the cliff edges have become more unstable along the way. The lakes are no longer calm or at ease instead, they have turned into rapids with big spikes in.
Following both failed relationships which I won’t say was all on my past ex I have some responsibility to them failing as well as I allowed them to change and take control and allowed the behavior was my downfall. I have worked hard for me the past 11 months to find me. Ignored the voices and tried to find my happiness which I thought I might be a step closer to which I was very much wrong about. Instead, I ended up being more alone and more lost and hurting just the same as I did 2 years ago. Which more worry and fear than ever before in my body and soul that the voices were finally right I don’t deserve anything other than pain and loss and to feel this way. Sad to say the person I had always had hopes for to ask me out won’t ask me out for so many reasons they won’t partially they deserve better than someone like me. I am currently away and nothing changes, I sat here and write a blog and I thought I had finally been able to put an end to feeling like this. I sat and wrote why people don’t need me or want me,
· Not important
· Not in the same league
· Dead behind the eyes
· Beneath people
Some will say this is the voices and the disease taking control but these have been the emotions I have had for years about myself. I was the last pick for every school event, as I wasn’t the popular boy or was I really wanted around as much by my friends as they made new friends who were the popular kids and the ones everyone knew of. I was the one that hung around with outsiders and intelligent guys. I was a band geek who enjoyed being friends with people and I worked hard to achieve what I achieved in school. I had a lot of challenges within studying and achieving my goals. I still am working hard on improving myself. I never got the chance to date or any of the normal stuff kids get up to as I was forgotten about instead I was the joke to some people as I was the forgotten kid. No one would notice I was there unless they needed entertainment. I brushed away the bullies and the comments of how I had double chins and wasn’t much more than a blob as kind hearted as kids can be they can be just cruel.
I walked up the mountain and in a way, I just seemingly kept walking around the same path and not climb the mountain to control my future. It has taken me 12 years of dealing with this disease and fight through and try to push through and get out of bed every single day. I have had to fight for everything I have now and how I am still standing is a small miracle as I have had to put so much of my heart soul and body on the line to get me through the darkest parts of my life. Some things no one should ever see like their father falling in hurting himself or being threatened with dirty needles or a knife. I saw my dad take his final breath on the 22nd January 2012 at 00:54 I was the only person in the room. I sat in the funeral car with only one person praying this was only a dream that my dad wasn’t dead instead it was a horrible nightmare and the route I was taking wasn’t past my families homes of my departed aunt and uncle or nan and grandad. Filling the funeral car with my family that no longer walk this earth but walk above with my father joining them above helping him to recover from his accident and to walk again. To being out for a very late birthday meal to how being a child and how your dad would pick them up when they fell over I had lost my father 6 weeks before. Still devastated staying up every Saturday until the same time to say goodnight to my dad, I did this for a year missing my dad and my family.
Getting older my dreams changed and as I said about getting married I always believed I didn’t feel the need to get married as it’s a piece of paper but not only is it equality but it’s a bond between me and that other person that makes it special and growing up as an only child and it’s the question you always get asked would you want to have children, and honestly I would but I would want to adopt as we have so many children within child services who need a home and need the care they deserve. But alas it’s all a dream and right now I doubt I ever will get to achieve any of them. It’s just the way my set of cards were dealt and reshuffled again and again.
My mountain is hard to climb and fight through the darkest gloomiest parts of the mountain and avoid the cliff edges. I know I can be hard work for my friends and my family as I have so many issues that people can only hear so many times. Also, there are only so many times I can keep pulling myself through the hardest and darkest moments.