Puddle

When you were a child and you saw, a puddle would you jump into the puddles in your wellingtons getting a little splash and getting a surprise if the puddle was a bit deeper than you expected. A bit like the on the vicar Dibley where Geraldine jumps into a puddle smiling and so in love with here on screen boyfriend but the surprise of the puddle wasn’t shallow it was very deep and she goes as low as she can.

 

The lowest points in life are when you are seen just by the outside persona and not the person you really are. Sometimes life will give you lemons and you have choices of making lemonade or squeezing the lemons onto pancakes. This can happen when everything has been going well for so long and then suddenly you walk into a wall which you weren’t expected to see and you trigger a course of events and feel like the world is against you. When you look around and you can see the path of destruction that the world is smiling with everything that is going well for them and you look at yourself and there is nothing but destruction mess and chaos. Sometimes the chaos could be dangerous or unsafe when you are facing problems with hearing voices, and they come over with all the emotions and the un-surety of where to turn when they can’t see anyone nearby who will stand with them.

The deeper the puddle becomes and the harder it becomes to pull themselves out of the puddle as the muddy walls have started to collapse and trapping your feet so they, struggle to claw around at the grass nearby to keep your head above the puddle’s surface. Slowly being dragged under the surface of the murky water feeling the pull from the silo of mud pulling you under the fight to keep yourself above the water becoming harder and harder slowly losing sight of the sun above as you are going further below the surface of the puddle. The hope that someone will see you have bene pulled under and they will put them arm in to save you from drowning in the chaos that is happening. For some people, this will never happen and no one will be there to save them from being dragged under the watery surface. Whilst others may get saved and find the ability to breathe and escape the watery grave that will end the chaos in their mind but not the chaos around them.

Each time I write I give a part of myself closure that a scar has been opened and are now closing and slowly being put to rest. The emotion that can close the suffering and the pain of what has happened in the past and the way some people have hurt me and how I have hurt myself and let my emotions become controlling and how the control my life and emotions.

I am currently going through the similar feeling of Geraldine except I didn’t have someone who I have been in a relationship with. Instead of I have emotions for someone who doesn’t notice how I feel or how much they mean to me. While they begin to start seeing the world with the variety of colours and I am slowly losing the colours in the world and they are becoming darker and harder to see the vibrancy of the colours in the world. the reason I have fallen this hard is because they saw me for me, a human being and that I have a kind heart that I wear on my sleeve, being cheeky and a nice person, who believes in being a good person and hope that being nice and good will bring good things to them and others.

The reality is being a nice person doesn’t mean you get the rewards you feel you deserve, doesn’t happen sometimes you must work and work and work until there is no way of finding that goal it might not happen the way you want. I have 2 simple goals in life

  1. My family and friends are happy and they don’t have to experience any pain or suffering.
  2. That I will find someone who will love me for me, not as a piece of meat, but as a human being who believes in ethics and has a moral compass I know what is right and what is wrong.

I don’t ask for much I am not asking for personal gain with money or materialistic possessions. I want to find that person who loves me for me including all my quirks and not as an object. I am currently deep in this puddle that is life and that the puddle is pulling me under with the mud and clay and struggling to breathe a find who I was this time two weeks ago. Momentarily finding the odd spark that brings back small bits of my identity but then it goes fast enough.

I just wish the person I liked would see how it hurts and how I wish it would have been a different story. I also want my friend to be happy and that’s the ultimate thing. I have slowly started to lose any hope of happiness for myself and can hope for the future for my friends and family.

 

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