Have you ever woken up and just feel like you are alone and no one is there anymore? Slowly while you have been going through the motions and blocking out the emotions that you are slowly losing not just yourself but the world of support is disappearing by the way side. Slow those that once stood in your corner step away to focus on their own lives and their own happiness, while you find take every step forward heavier than the last. The weight of being alone and no longer having the support you once had that love and compassion helping to will you on to succeed is no more and then you look around there is no one there you are finally achieved what the illness has always wanted, you are rejected from your support. You are now a reject the goal of the illness, the ones you love and care about only see so much of what is going on behind the mask but not fully. There aren’t enough cracks for anyone to see fully behind those hazel eyes.
The illness goal is to be the sole survivor of this battle and not the person, you become this capsule that is only holding the illness within it and there is nothing that can stop it from dying unless the holder of the illness dies. While their heart breaks no longer having the people you never thought would leave vs. the people who reach out but some of them aren’t there to support you for you instead they are there to gain a victory or part of you, emotionally or physically as if you have a price tag sticking out of you from different vantage points.
Slowly the illness has been building the walls and the bricks are clear so you can see through them but no one can see them instead they feel this barrier and they try and try to reach through but slowly they feel the barrier getting bigger and deeper and no longer able to reach and get frustrated that you don’t see the support and have better things to be doing and their own battles that need to take the priorities or finding what makes them happy and how they can manage that. No longer able to focus on you instead they must focus on themselves.
A piece of you cracking every time the support network is being chipped away like a sail boat going out to sea, with no intention of coming back as they have no sail to guide them back to shore or to the harbour where you are standing. No matter how much pleading you have for them to come back they just don’t return the boats have no parted with you and your tears rolling down you cheeks adding to the sea and the emotion of being lost at sea sweeping over you the dread of being cold, alone and no longer having the people you love more than anything standing with you, helping you stand tall and seeing their smile and the smile isn’t a fake or as if they want part of you other than seeing you safe happy and want you to be the person they all know and love.
Once the illness like depression gets a grip it takes a lot for it to be put back in Pandora box, sometimes it is impossible to achieve this without help of your supporters and the people who want to see you achieve your dreams and goals, whatever they might be. But most of all they want you to be happy.
So, life for me is difficult right now slowly I have seen parts of my support network drift away or I have had to cut ties with people due to certain situations which I need to keep myself away from as I need to focus on me. Which could be classed as selfish but sometimes you need to be, especially when people are exploiting your past and using it against you. From a difficult few years with breaks ups to finding my feet in a whole new city, new home, struggling to find the support or somewhere I feel like I belong it is tough, as I feel more and more like I have been rejected from people lives as they should focus on there’s and all I want is to be part of their life like I was before. In the last few months I have attended my 6th Manchester Pride, my 5th Bearscots in Edinburgh I have also started to distance myself from people who I feel I need to get a breather from, and those that I have drifted away from. I recently read a thread of my past relationship and of course instead of focusing on the nice loving messages we once had instead my eyes are drawn to the negative comments, of being fat and deserving to never be happy. I will be the first to admit I will always feel like a third-class citizen behind my friends and family is because I want them to be happy and put their happiness before my own. I put myself out there and made myself my own priority and came away scared and damaged more than I would ever let onto the world as no one needs to see the piece of me that has been rejected by someone that has hurt me. Then again, I probably hurt him in way he just doesn’t have the same outlets as I have. While I rejected a lot of the negativity from the break ups and the fireworks and restrained from posting fully what happened when I just wanted everyone to be happy. I made peace and put years of animosity behind me and accepted that the wars that my head was creating from an illness wasn’t worth the war nor was the illness I took a year of disliking someone and reality was I disliked myself and accept there were many faults not just one sole person.
Speed through to today, the dilemma of my life seeing these clear bricks and walls appearing around me slowly closing off the world to what I should be achieving finding my own happiness and instead I resent and feel rejected by others as I have become uncomfortable about the world around me. It has made me start to think is this home the right home for me or would it be better for me to return to where I call home? Or do I carry on fighting and finding a new home in the north? Part of me will always love my home down south and not London that is where I grew up but my home is always where my mum is. I have always tried to fight through the doubt that I needed to get through the feeling of never being good enough and being rejected. I must fight through and I should make the most of every opportunity. Taking the steps to fight and no longer feel the rejected ugly duckling or as if parts of me have a price tag attached to them.
“The bravest thing I have ever done was continuing to live when I wanted to die!”
Fighting through the feeling that sometimes feeling it might be easier if I wasn’t here. As others don’t need the grief of my narcosis and instead find someone who isn’t as complicated as others are. As the quote says I should take the positive out of the fact I am still here and I am still fighting through the darkness and unhappiness that is festering and instead of hiding away from the world. this weekend I have hid away from the world and stepping away from events that I have once attended and enjoyed and stepped away from people I care about getting to wrapped up in my own head afraid of something that hasn’t even happened or even listening to what people are saying instead I am listening to the illness and what it wants me to listen to.
Part of me is always going to want me to just disappear but the rest of me wants me to achieve what my heart has always wanted to find happiness and having a comfortable life, feeling loved and wanted and having someone who thinks of me just as much as I think of them.
Now, it just isn’t to be instead it could always be something of the future goal. Right now, it’s time for me to find me and being the ONE.