Rollercoaster

Life can sometimes be a rollercoaster.  It goes starts off slow all flat and balanced and then slowly you go up a slope working its way up the slope, this is the good and highs of life.  Eventually, it gets to the top the pinnacle of the coaster, you go over the tipping point and then suddenly you realise you haven’t been strapped into your seat, there is a big drop down it isn’t slow on the descent it is fast, and you are plummeting to the ground before your eyes.  As you are hurtling to the ground fighting to stay in your seat you have a choice to breath and realise you have actually been strapped in so you can raise your hands up in the air or keep fighting to hold on and not realise you are strapped in and scream with fear and ignore the person sat next to you trying to help you. That slow journey up could take a minute or more but, on the way, down it isn’t as slow it is fast, and blink and you will miss it moments.  It also doesn’t mean there will be another upslope for some time as you could be caught on a very long downwards spiral slope that evens out for a moment but then drops again! There are several emotions you go through as you go up ascend the rollercoaster and the descent down out of control. You can hear the brakes being slammed on and the noise of the brakes being applied.

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Life is a rollercoaster as it is said in the song by Ronan Keating, you never know what life will bring when you wake up to start your day a nor do you know how it will end when you go back to sleep.  Instead, the only control you have is the moment when you wake up and open your eyes for a moment you have control of your thoughts even in your sleepy haze, and some mild panic that you overslept, or you have woken up early.  However, when you have depression or another form of a mental health condition opening your eyes can be one of the hardest parts of the day. Trying to find the energy to get out of bed and even find the power to walk out of the front door and pretend the world is still spinning and the world doesn’t see that, only you can see yourself on the rollercoaster free falling to the earth at an alarming rate. Getting from your home to the place you need to be can bring a number of issues you may not have factored in like the bus not turning up or it being late, the weather is still deciding what season and weather you will have you could have gone through every season in an hour and it still hasn’t decided, to just walking out of the front door.

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Whilst you are going through the fast journey to earth and still trying to see if there is an upslope, and it could be as simple as you have got through walking out of your front door and then the down part has hit you again, as you face a new set of fears that you have conquered. Then suddenly something happens and you find yourself on two roller coasters, part of your life starts to improve and is back on the upward slope, and this is slowly working its way up fighting to get back on an even kilter but then it happens the other part of your life is on the trajectory of plummeting so you are controlling only part of your life as it is slowly improving but the wider part is falling into disbelief and you feel like a failure.  No one is seeing your life going in this predicament as they can see the signs something isn’t right, and you are trying to cover up and act as if everything is fine by saying “I’m ok” never admitting you could do with some support.

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My life has been going through a strange phase since the beginning of the year,

  • I haven’t been on any anti-depressant medication for the past 6 months.
  • My work life has been on the way up since December
  • I found some confidence in the wider world and unknown social situations.
  • My work being recognized by my peers and others to the point they put in a recommendation and I was approached to leave my current position in a brand-new role. I declined to proceed with this for personal reasons.
  • The other extreme losing friends due to the difficult situation’s partly from my own doing and other peoples doing.
  • Sudden bills appearing a lot more then I anticipated so concerns around money have become a front-runner in my mind.
  • Feeling my support network has been under attack which has then put me in a position where I have felt isolated.

My professional life has been soring and it has been having a few dips, but it is my work life, and I enjoy what I do. Which I never expected to be headhunted for a new organisation that I hadn’t considered really leaving for. The thing I noticed was I have become very focused in a field I have learnt a lot about from my peer and become far more organized. My personal life has had moments where it is on the up but then it is doing a bouncing up and down coaster that suddenly takes dips and goes back up.

With my personal life been quite difficult as having to try and balance out what the thoughts I have been having and push them away from my reality to becoming overwhelmed seeing my support network being invaded from within but then I am excluded.  This has isolated me from the network that I needed at times.  The biggest part of having any health condition is having a support network and knowing you can turn to it when you need and not being afraid to approach them when you need help.  Also getting to embrace the positive moment life have given with them as you don’t just need a support network when you are having negative moments you need to celebrate the positives as well.  It doesn’t always have to be all doom and gloom.

With this I have had to make some cuts to my support network losing people who have made fun of my mental health and being inappropriate comments.  Where they don’t see the harm in the comments they made.  When someone is in crisis it isn’t appropriate to make fun of them of how they are feeling and are considering letting the darkness taking control and becoming the only voice you hear. When the black dog (I call my black dog Hurricane as mentioned in collection 2 of my blog) is present the world becomes silent and you only can hear that one voice, you can no longer hear your own voice.  Over the years since I have started to write “ I am ONE” I have had a number of occasions to have the Hurricane appear and change from being a small little puppy into a fully fledge elephant size beast that isolates and puts its huge paw on my back pushing me down with added pressure and stress to make the world harder not just for me but for my loved ones around me.

Some of my friends have started their own journey with mental health. As I have seen in my own hand they have followed in my own shoes, with the rebellion against anyone who has a view they don’t agree with and at times it has become toxic. It has hurt not just me but also to themselves as sadly people can’t always be there when they are under attack and it is something. I see now that sometimes you must step away and find your own space to be safe and be protected even though you want to help someone it just doesn’t mean you can save everyone.  I have moments where I have bursts of assertiveness and confidence and can be direct but open with who I am around and able to enjoy myself.  At times this has been a plaster over several issues until it suddenly appears to bite me on my backside.

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This is part of the beginning of my attempt to get my life back on the on straight and narrow and find that even ride on the rollercoaster. I am ONE will be back a lot more and it will be the third collection of blogs going forward.

I am….

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