The Let-Down

Think back to a time when you have felt your heart has been ripped out of your chest and danced on with a pair of size 13 metal toe cap boots and then rammed back into your chest without any care or compassion. Well it has happened to me many times and the pain it has caused has shaped my life beyond what anyone would ever recognise and some wouldn’t believe someone would go through this and still be here which is a constant battle of surviving. I will point out that my life isn’t as bad as anyone else life, this is just part of my story so far…

So, let me take you back 21 years I was 10 years old, I went back to my nan after school in the summer term.  I was doing homework and back then mobile phones weren’t very common in 1996. I got a call from my dad, which was rare but he was crying down the phone at me telling me he was dying, he was choking on a sandwich, and was telling me how much he loved me. He hung up the phone I was screaming down the phone and my nan was beside herself as she was calling my aunt who lived 2 doors up the road from me, to get my cousin to go down and check on my dad. I kept trying to all my dad but there was no answer I was beside myself, thinking at the age of 10 I would be losing my dad. My cousin went down and found he was ok and he managed to cough up the sandwich. Turns out he had been drinking for most of the afternoon and then fell asleep whilst eating a sandwich. And woke up struggling to breath as he hadn’t fully digested the sandwich. My nan and majority of the family were furious I couldn’t talk to my dad for about a week where ever he was I had to run and hide as I was scared if he was going to die. That night my nan kept hugging me and checking I was ok even throughout the night. I didn’t go into school the next day as I didn’t sleep much.

I had hoped this would be a one off but sadly this wasn’t to be, I had another call, this time I was on my own 10 years later from the first time my dad had made the call. My family had changed as important people in my life had sadly passed away, so my family circle was a lot smaller whilst my friendship circle was very small. As most of you will know my dad had a life changing accident that he was left paralysed from the chest down. My mum was away celebrating her 50th birthday and was away, so I was home just getting back to work after the accident looking after the pets. I have mentioned in a previous blog regarding what happened back then. So, my dad called me up on a Sunday I had just finished work and was sorting dinner out. Well the call was about how my dad was ready to end his life and I was to get back to living my life, and to forget him. I was devastated after everything I was then being told to forget my father and I was losing him again, pleading with him not to do anything that would take him away from me. He got the carer to end the call and he turned off his phone so I couldn’t get through. I was then struggling as who do I turn to, my mum who is away celebrating her birthday? My aunt lived up the road from me who was seriously ill and in and out of hospital? My other aunt who was ill herself. I was alone and not sure of where to turn. I had to make the call to my mum sobbing my eyes out unsure what to do or who to call feeling guilty for calling my mum ruining her birthday weekend. My mum was disappointed and upset as she couldn’t protect me from this or stop my dad from doing this call. After the call, I was signed off work for 2 weeks, my work place wasn’t happy as it was the run up to Christmas so the stress of being short staffed but I couldn’t tackle stairs or talking to people. My mum was home and was going to work and taking care of me, and a household and the anger towards her ex-husband. It took me weeks to call him again or visit him as I was once again scared.

Over the years I have been let down by many people not just my dad where he would cancel plans on me for his friends which I have mentioned in previous posts. My friends are also like this, one evening I was coming back home from a different job I had been working at and had been dealing with depression silently, where I walk into 6 of my friends going out in my home town, they were going out for the night. I was destroyed devastated that they had decided to go out but they kept it all quiet but then they were doing it in my own home town and became sheepish when they walked into me. I was come to the end of working in one location and had been given a transfer to the flagship store and I went into my final day working in uxbridge not really in the mood to celebrate my final day but instead I was crying at the smallest things as I felt betrayed, not wanted and I was just a convenience.

This was repeated on and off over the years by the same group and I slowly withdrew from the group and made myself very isolated and no longer a convenience for people as no one saw me instead they would get the occasional message while their lives moved on and grew mine stalled. I was busy dealing with my dad and having a mental health condition that was coming back with a vengeance. I lost my dad when I was 26 from pneumonia and yes, I was destroyed after all the times I thought I would lose my dad didn’t happen and then it had finally happened, he was free from the living hell he was living being a prisoner in his failing body. As he passed on his birthday and so close to my own birthday. Dad was free but the family were like vultures going against his wishes and making it about them. I was finally free of them as they were no longer part of my life. As this happened so close to my birthday I postponed my birthday to do something a few months later, as we went out for a belated birthday meal, I was quite sad and missing my dad at the time and then suddenly the people around the table stated showing pictures of their childhood with their dad’s. I sat there trying to keep it all in and stop myself from crying. It had been 6 weeks since he had past and then this. I excused myself from the table and hid in the toilets to cry and pull myself back together splashed some water on my face to hide the puffy cheeks. I went back to the table and they were still talking about their childhood with their dad’s. once the meal was over I started to walk off to get the train home, while they all went out for more drinks which I wasn’t invited to. I was devastated at how cruel they could be talking about their childhood and their dad’s and I had just lost mine 6 weeks prior and only laid him to rest a month prior to the night out. After this I didn’t see the group much, as I couldn’t face the pain that I was going through. Depression subsided for a bit as it was all wrapped up in grief.

I started to see my first boyfriend and at the start of the relationship it was all new to me as this was my first relationship and my first kiss happened at bearscots. I started to see my first boyfriend in the October after my dad passing. He was kind compassionate and friendly. The first time I visited was interesting as I flew up to Glasgow and spent the weekend with him and met his flatmate at a party. I was really on edge as I was going into an environment I was unsure of what I was doing. Well the party went well except he drunk too much and mixed with prescribed medication so wrote off the Sunday so I was put into a very awkward situation that I was in his home with his friends and not knowing them whilst he was sleeping off the combination of a hangover and medication. I sat there alone and struggling to see how this would work. Part of me wanted to end it before I became to invested in the relationship then the other part of me wanted to see where this went. As I was scared of being alone, I still am if I am being honest. Well I let this relationship to carry on till December 2014 and we went on a permanent break.  During the relationship, I had left my old job and home and moved 200 miles away from London to my new and current home Manchester, I started in a brand-new career sector and it was all new to me. We went on a break as he kept letting me down and promising to come and visit me in my home as I was feeling homesick but also, I was slowly killing myself with all the travelling around the UK. I would travel up to Glasgow every single month at a lot of cost to myself and then spending a lot of money in Glasgow and supporting my now ex. We went on this break and in the month, I did stuff that I had never done, gone out getting drunk with friends and coming home at the crack of dawn. Doing other adult activities. (all legal I should add) well the final nail in our relationship was I sent a text on Christmas morning as I had done every other Christmas, and I didn’t hear anything from him for 4 days and his response was I forgot. There and then it proved I wasn’t anything to him and our relationship had reached its end. In January, we broke up 1 day before my best friend’s birthday. I went out to raise a glass celebrate his birthday but I couldn’t get through the night so left by 9.30pm and was home in tear. I hugged my friends as I left. The room was alive smiling and chatting and kissing, and there was me my heart broken and finally free from the psychological abuse I had to survive from my ex.

During the time of the break/ Break up I started to get feelings for someone else and as they treated me as a human being. Showed me what it was like to be treated as an equal and if I was worth something. Throughout the time we had always been flirty and supportive of each other. Well slowly emotions grew and I was getting attached to this person being in my life as someone important. It was a complicated as I had come out of a very difficult relationship but also, I was going through a lot with people manipulating and stirring the friendship we had to make them look better and isolate me whilst my mental health took a further decline with being made to become isolated and unwanted. That person leading me on saying “if it was complicated and you weren’t getting over your last relationship I would date you….” It hurt more than ever as I was being see not as me but instead as this damaged and hurt person that I wasn’t allowed to be loved anymore. Well the night of pride and many catalysts stirred the pot and made me feel more alone and isolated and the voices in my head taking feel control that I wasn’t wanted or needed whilst the others all had fun and were able to live in that time whilst I hide in a bed alone. The voices were loud and clear I wasn’t wanted and it was time to end it all. 30th August I had to run away out of the house I had once felt safe and then no more, finding the best place to finally succumb to the voices. I got to a point in a busy road, and I looked at my phone and saw a picture of my mum and my aunt, the voices becoming slightly quieter instead another voice my mum voice ringing in my head barely heard her voice becoming louder and warmer in my body telling me to ask for help don’t do this. I did the reach out too someone who was nearby who helped to stop me from committing the final act.

Well this blog was born after this moment of how my life had to change. Over the past 2 years I have had to repair mind and my physical life as well. I came back from the destruction that nearly had happened and instead I had concluded that it wasn’t to be with him and the relationship I had craved. It took me a while to finally approach this friendship again and talk to them. We organised a night out to catch up to discuss our friendship and how it couldn’t continue in that way. As we walked to go our separate ways he kissed me something I wasn’t expecting and had said it had to stop and we couldn’t carry this on as it hurt too much for both of us.  This occurred again at my birthday where they started to snog me leading me on whilst I wasn’t expecting this or wanting this. I had the emotions of I wish it would have happened and it would have been more but it wasn’t. From then it was a continual leading on and teasing of my emotions. Few month later they had a few dates and I was upset by this as it was a case of when it suits I was around. Then that didn’t happen and I closed off the world to anything being more serious with anyone instead I just kept my head down trying to find who I was.

In the April, I started to go on the occasional date which turned into a relationship which was only a short-lived relationship as we broke up in the august. Which I have already said my previous blogs that it was complex and complicated as it was abusive to a point. Even after the breakup it was still abusive and controlling which I am glad I escaped from earlier than before.

Over the past year I have had my ups and down and had more complications added to my life with change in my job, my support network becoming more fragmented and now it is more stretched than ever. I had a mini break down earlier this year when a person who has seen my mental health break down in the fullest use it to benefit themselves and another doing the lead on then hurting me. It has gotten too much to the point can I trust people to be there who aren’t out there for something that benefits them instead of it hurts me.

I don’t ask for a lot and never want to trouble people with my problem of feeling like the world is against me. I spent last night in bed from 4.30 pm and shut down all my social media accounts including my WhatsApp archived every conversation muted some. I decided I can’t trust anyone I have to hide away and keep myself to myself and no one will miss me as I have had more sadness then I care to remember not just the ones mentioned above as well compared too happy memories. I do not know if i will be able to come through this for much longer alone.

I am one and I am most feeling it at the moment.

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The reject

Have you ever woken up and just feel like you are alone and no one is there anymore? Slowly while you have been going through the motions and blocking out the emotions that you are slowly losing not just yourself but the world of support is disappearing by the way side. Slow those that once stood in your corner step away to focus on their own lives and their own happiness, while you find take every step forward heavier than the last. The weight of being alone and no longer having the support you once had that love and compassion helping to will you on to succeed is no more and then you look around there is no one there you are finally achieved what the illness has always wanted, you are rejected from your support. You are now a reject the goal of the illness, the ones you love and care about only see so much of what is going on behind the mask but not fully. There aren’t enough cracks for anyone to see fully behind those hazel eyes.

The illness goal is to be the sole survivor of this battle and not the person, you become this capsule that is only holding the illness within it and there is nothing that can stop it from dying unless the holder of the illness dies. While their heart breaks no longer having the people you never thought would leave vs. the people who reach out but some of them aren’t there to support you for you instead they are there to gain a victory or part of you, emotionally or physically as if you have a price tag sticking out of you from different vantage points.

Slowly the illness has been building the walls and the bricks are clear so you can see through them but no one can see them instead they feel this barrier and they try and try to reach through but slowly they feel the barrier getting bigger and deeper and no longer able to reach and get frustrated that you don’t see the support and have better things to be doing and their own battles that need to take the priorities or finding what makes them happy and how they can manage that. No longer able to focus on you instead they must focus on themselves.

A piece of you cracking every time the support network is being chipped away like a sail boat going out to sea, with no intention of coming back as they have no sail to guide them back to shore or to the harbour where you are standing. No matter how much pleading you have for them to come back they just don’t return the boats have no parted with you and your tears rolling down you cheeks adding to the sea and the emotion of being lost at sea sweeping over you the dread of being cold, alone and no longer having the people you love more than anything standing with you, helping you stand tall and seeing their smile and the smile isn’t a fake or as if they want part of you other than seeing you safe happy and want you to be the person they all know and love.

Once the illness like depression gets a grip it takes a lot for it to be put back in Pandora box, sometimes it is impossible to achieve this without help of your supporters and the people who want to see you achieve your dreams and goals, whatever they might be. But most of all they want you to be happy.

So, life for me is difficult right now slowly I have seen parts of my support network drift away or I have had to cut ties with people due to certain situations which I need to keep myself away from as I need to focus on me. Which could be classed as selfish but sometimes you need to be, especially when people are exploiting your past and using it against you. From a difficult few years with breaks ups to finding my feet in a whole new city, new home, struggling to find the support or somewhere I feel like I belong it is tough, as I feel more and more like I have been rejected from people lives as they should focus on there’s and all I want is to be part of their life like I was before. In the last few months I have attended my 6th Manchester Pride, my 5th Bearscots in Edinburgh I have also started to distance myself from people who I feel I need to get a breather from, and those that I have drifted away from. I recently read a thread of my past relationship and of course instead of focusing on the nice loving messages we once had instead my eyes are drawn to the negative comments, of being fat and deserving to never be happy. I will be the first to admit I will always feel like a third-class citizen behind my friends and family is because I want them to be happy and put their happiness before my own. I put myself out there and made myself my own priority and came away scared and damaged more than I would ever let onto the world as no one needs to see the piece of me that has been rejected by someone that has hurt me. Then again, I probably hurt him in way he just doesn’t have the same outlets as I have. While I rejected a lot of the negativity from the break ups and the fireworks and restrained from posting fully what happened when I just wanted everyone to be happy. I made peace and put years of animosity behind me and accepted that the wars that my head was creating from an illness wasn’t worth the war nor was the illness I took a year of disliking someone and reality was I disliked myself and accept there were many faults not just one sole person.

Speed through to today, the dilemma of my life seeing these clear bricks and walls appearing around me slowly closing off the world to what I should be achieving finding my own happiness and instead I resent and feel rejected by others as I have become uncomfortable about the world around me. It has made me start to think is this home the right home for me or would it be better for me to return to where I call home? Or do I carry on fighting and finding a new home in the north? Part of me will always love my home down south and not London that is where I grew up but my home is always where my mum is. I have always tried to fight through the doubt that I needed to get through the feeling of never being good enough and being rejected. I must fight through and I should make the most of every opportunity. Taking the steps to fight and no longer feel the rejected ugly duckling or as if parts of me have a price tag attached to them.

“The bravest thing I have ever done was continuing to live when I wanted to die!”

Fighting through the feeling that sometimes feeling it might be easier if I wasn’t here. As others don’t need the grief of my narcosis and instead find someone who isn’t as complicated as others are. As the quote says I should take the positive out of the fact I am still here and I am still fighting through the darkness and unhappiness that is festering and instead of hiding away from the world. this weekend I have hid away from the world and stepping away from events that I have once attended and enjoyed and stepped away from people I care about getting to wrapped up in my own head afraid of something that hasn’t even happened or even listening to what people are saying instead I am listening to the illness and what it wants me to listen to.

Part of me is always going to want me to just disappear but the rest of me wants me to achieve what my heart has always wanted to find happiness and having a comfortable life, feeling loved and wanted and having someone who thinks of me just as much as I think of them.

Now, it just isn’t to be instead it could always be something of the future goal. Right now, it’s time for me to find me and being the ONE.

 

Dear Alex…

Dear Alex,

Your 20 and life seems to have been slightly rough for you so far being forgotten about by friends, and you took the direction of starting to work and focus on being a manager! You have worked hard the past few years and thought they were hard but, you are now 20 and sadly the next 11 years are going to be just as hard if not harder.

Before you turn 21 you will have the moment your life will change forever, your father is going to be involved in a life changing accident and he will no longer be the same as he will be in a wheel chair. The night of change will be a night of remembrance and many members of the outlawed family will accuse you of the accident that wasn’t your fault and you need to learn to accept that. You didn’t provide dad with any of the alcohol nor did you tell him to walk up those stairs. You will have to move him and you will have to decide which will seem hard and but it’s a life or death call. When you make decision to move him its ok his neck is already broken before you even touch him. It isn’t your fault, you don’t have to put a brave face on and try to carry on or feel guilty you can take time out and be there for your family and yourself.

You will a have to live with dad’s decisions if he wants to trust people you don’t agree with all you can do it try to protect him and support him and make sure he isn’t taken advantage of. The outlawed family will act as if they have not been hidden for the past 20 years of your life. You are 20 not 50, dad wants you to live and accept you didn’t do anything wrong. You have your life to lead and you can be there for your dad and your mum and still try to live! The world now knows your secret that you tried to hide from the world of being gay. Ignore the outlaws as they will hover like vultures and act as if they have always been there. You know differently, they will disappear when they see dad isn’t going to get better and they can’t have anything that is dads as it is yours and it’s all tied up in the estate. Now this is where the seeds of depression will be planted as you will have that fear of stairs and you will struggle to start with to overcome them but you will overcome it. Also, you will relieve that fateful night over and over in your mind and you need to stop it and let it go. It was a horrible accident and you had no control over it.

When you have turned 21 you will celebrate it won’t be the big birthday that you may have wanted but you will be with a small number of people that you laugh and enjoy yourself at the school disco in Hammersmith, others missed out as it was a great night. You got many kisses mainly from odd people but a few nice men too. Few weeks after you do this you will have an interview with the psychologist with dad next to you. Do not listen to them or be pulled into the room as you will be left on your own the psychologist will be focusing on dad not you! This will continue to plant the seed of depression and you need to be strong and accept sometimes it is best people not knowing the full story and dad is one of them. When you are struggling you need to talk to people they aren’t bad some of them are there to support you and will listen if you let them in.

Later in the year you will be faced with another hard hurdle when aunty passes on, close to her birthday and the night before you will be with family, the 4 of you will be in the garden united as the final 4 and you will be together. You will pull through this and will tell work how you feel and be in control you will lose the thorn in your side not long after. Also, you will make work aware you will take time off for your family as it is you family. You will see more change later in the year when you move to a new home, you will see dad in a wheelchair and see him in a care home, and you will have to hold yourself together. When work tells you that you can’t take the time off for your aunt’s funeral, you decided to make the change and find a new job which will be terrifying and completely different to what you are used to but you will grow to love the job and sell more than a pair of shoes! You need to keep your confidence as you know how to work with customers and you know how to get the best out of people you just need to keep you cool and take it on the chin.

With all this change and missing the people you have to talk to people when you need them as they won’t know what is going on in your head if you don’t tell them. Same time you need to make friends with people and stop holding it in. you will make friends with people who are completely idiots and don’t deserve you as a friend. That is normal and they will soon show their true colours. You don’t need to accept their poor choices as your own. Be your age and live your life Alex as no one else will live it for you, and you don’t need to be a keyboard warrior or live your life through other people instead you have to live it for you.

For the next few years you will feel isolated and alone but as I said above you need to move beyond your circle of friends and make a new path that is focused on you instead of focusing on everyone else. Also, you have had a bad deck of cards dealt as you keep saying “it’s better it happened to you rather then one of your friends” well you don’t deserve it and nor should you feel it’s better for you. Instead it just happens and you have been strong so far and have had to pull through a lot this has made you a better person. Many will have crumbled and cracked before now, keep your head held high and keep it high. You will be forgotten about by people but that is a choice they have made and yes some of their choices will be immature and you will not know what to do with yourself at the time but you will get through this.  Don’t let your mind dictate who or what you want to do, you can do anything you want when you put your mind to it and be the person you want to be.

When you turn 27 you will have a very big shock and a biggest change you have ever faced in life. Dad will finally be at peace and he will make the decision to be at peace. This will be devastating and he will pass on his birthday. You will be there and you will have to keep strong as you will have to deal with the outlaws and put them in their place a lot as you will lose your father and that is the most important part, they are losing one of their own who they share some DNA with but they won’t have the memories you have with your dad or learning how to say, “yellow yolk” they won’t know this and you will. The cousin who is jealous of you will be there and say she is losing her uncle and make you feel bad for not always being there for dad but he admitted he wanted you to live! And he said this in front of them all that he wasn’t always there for you, this is a big thing as you have never heard him admit his mistakes like this or that he is proud of you. Spend the time with your dad and the rest of them will have to disappear. You will go through the argument with them as they are jealous of your relationship with him, as they will be guilty of where they have been for the years and they will never admit this to anyone.

Your friend won’t know what to say or how to act with you as they don’t know what has been going on and you need to make sure you make time for them. Don’t keep being a lone wolf and suffer in silence. For many months, you will fight with the outlaws and there will be a point you will slowly start to live. You will have a fantastic holiday to Murcia with 3 great people. Work will be supportive about taking time away and coming back into the business, you will slowly start to build the confidence to make new friends and start a new life as you want it and attend your first big gay event such as Manchester Pride and you will also get the confidence to go to Edinburgh to attend Bearscots. You will go to both events and you will have a great time and you will even leave one of the events with a boyfriend which you didn’t anticipate ever happening.

You will be happy for a while and you will be confident and make some big changes over the years with a career change and move from where you call home of London. You are with him and eventually you will have to let him go the sooner you do the better as he will hurt you and not make priorities you before his ex and you will always play second fiddle, he will mess with your mind and make you feel inferior because he forgets how important you are.

When you make the cut, you will go into a spiral and start to live your new life and lose the confidence and start to encounter the worst depression as it will have all mounted up to implode in your mind. Throughout you will have some people playing games with your mind manipulating you and you will find someone who has helped to make you feel human for a brief period. You will find you finally snap and your mind will implode, you will take the time you need to regroup and rebuild your mind. You will regroup and settle into your new environment with a new home that you can call your own. You need to reject the negativity and remove all the toxic people from your life they don’t belong in your life.

As you grow and mature and find your safe space in your mind, then you will encounter more difficult challenges over the year you must pick who you want to be associated with and if you want to be involved in the challenges. You can take a step away when you need from some people if you do not agree with people’s morals or past decisions. Remember you know the difference between right and wrong and those who stand with you. You also must move on and accept somethings may never happen its life and you have proven over 11 years with all the fight and battles you have had you deserve to be happy and find that person who deserves you.

You have to let people into your life and you need to be honest with others and make them aware of how you feel. The person you might wish to be with may not actually be the right person for you. Don’t wait for Mr right now wait for Mr Right and enjoy yourself in the now. You deserve it, and you need to accept it as well. You are stronger then you will ever believe.

Love

ME.

X

 

 

 

Full Circle

Well 2015 saw the beginning of the battle. Everywhere I looked there was leaves covering the path, making it impossible to find the route through the fog that slowly drifted in and was taking over my mind and my view. Looking around at what used to bring me joy and excitement was slowly crumbling within my own hands. Feeling each part of the puzzle become heavy and impossible to slot back together, the puzzle was no longer the same puzzle I had in 2014.

The beginning of the circle breaking up with my boyfriend at the end of 2014 ending a period which had been going on for too long and being let down slowly clouded judgement and decisions and accepting being made to feel inferior. My ex came along at a point in my life which is when I needed someone after losing my dad in 2012 on his birthday and grieving and trying to work my way through feeling insecure and unsure of who I am or wanted to be. I have been brought up to be kind, honest and to have manners. Some can see these qualities as weaknesses I see them as being who I am and want to be. It makes me strong and constantly reminds me of my upbringing. After splitting from him, ignoring my own mental health and seeing the fog from afar.

Through 2015 the battle continues and losing the qualities I possess that makes me tick and find the person I was losing. Seeing what half, the picture picking up on the situations and not dealing with them in the right way. Lashing out and making the situation worst or the person who was seeing it and wasn’t real. Some cases it would be the latter and some not so, I became the person who couldn’t be believed.  Posts on social media and comments and the now fully covered path of leaves and rocks no longer seeing where I was meant to be heading. Making the direction of travel impossible to remain on the rails, until the implosion of Pride ’15. The night my world and my soul, being and body could no longer cope or survive as that version of me. The fear and the darkness flooded every part of my body, I finally needed to stop and breath and find the light switch to find my way out of this spiral of destruction, the same spiral my father went through. Now trying to just remain standing and brush a few leaves away. From the moment 30th August 2015 was my lowest point atom find the strength to turn the key in the ignition of my car and drive away from Manchester for a night and trying to find some peace in my head, driving to my best friend’s home and we didn’t discuss what had happened or what was going on, I was left to just take a breath and find aa footing. The hardest part of the illness was making the call home to my mum telling her how low I had become and feeling a failure for being weak. Fear and darkness were part of me from that point on, for several weeks I had to stop and break the routine rarely home in Manchester but at friends and family’s homes keeping myself to myself and writing these blogs through my battles of the highest and lowest moments of depression.

Getting back to what a routine is meant to be, and returning to work, continuing with medication, the path slowly becoming clearer with leaves still across the path in places but slowly the wind blows them away. Friends becoming more available the more I was open about having an illness, no longer feeling isolated or alone. I felt a part of something that wasn’t just me in this fight but I had support. Throughout fighting the illness, I remember that I had to learn from this fight.  New Year’s Eve in 2015 was my first night out in Manchester since pride and my first time being out with others, my friends who are my support network.  Facing so much in 2015 was difficult and some part hurt and still do, it did teach me a lot.

2016 was the beginning of a new chapter and new milestones. Turning 30 and settling into a new life of being me. Being able to say no and distance myself from anything that didn’t make me smile.

Walking into fear and the possibility of bumping into fear at any point was terrifying at times, but then freeing myself of the fear. I began a relationship which wasn’t on the cards at all. The relationship had its moments of happiness and great darkness. As most relationships, they have ups and downs and they all have different directions, sadly the relationship didn’t work and there has been a lot of words and comments have been said and aits now time to put the whole situation to bed.

From these moments, it has developed my resiliency and drive and make me stand back on my own 2 feet, with friends who are now family. Each battle has to let the dust settle and the moments after the fight is when you can see the clear picture of what has happened. Overtime the dust completely clears and you can new parts of this ever-changing puzzle that you never noticed before a piece of part of the puzzle.

When you begin to fight through and deal with depression you slowly deal with recovery, and find challenges great and small. Throughout my 18 month when I started this recovery, I set myself some challenges to achieve was to be able to sit in a public space alone with strangers around me and being able to drink a coffee and to feel comfortable in my own skin. Something I have constantly felt uneasy about. Finally achieving I can sit in a room alone as I am never alone, I am supported by great people, I have an amazing family and some uniquely brilliant friends. In 2016 I, had as many lows and highs and the one of the greatest high’s I will always hold I no longer surviving I am a survivor! From that I challenge the walls and the fears a no longer run away unsure instead I stand my ground.

From this I’ve decided this will be the final blog for #IamONE as I am no longer the one alone, I have gone full circle being able to go out with people I would never dreamed of spending time with at New Years!  I survived Pride 16 when the world was looking like it would implode again it didn’t! being able to go back to Scotland and being at the event that brought me into the gay world, and become part of the community. The lows don’t need to be gone back over again, those who have been part of the lows my only wish is for you to find happiness and be at peace of the past and live in the now. I am free from those lows the sadness and the darkness, I hope you find that inner peace one day. Bearscots I started to say a mantra,

I am Kind

I am Strong

I deserve better

I am…ME

Thank you for reading this blog and being part of my journey I am no longer the person I was in 2015 or 2014! I am the newer me, not fully recovered and never will be cured but I will continue this fight with your helping hand.

My favourite quote I have, “Stumbling isn’t falling” I will never fall with all your kindness and support.

Thank you

I am finally FREE to be me.

Alex