Puddle

When you were a child and you saw, a puddle would you jump into the puddles in your wellingtons getting a little splash and getting a surprise if the puddle was a bit deeper than you expected. A bit like the on the vicar Dibley where Geraldine jumps into a puddle smiling and so in love with here on screen boyfriend but the surprise of the puddle wasn’t shallow it was very deep and she goes as low as she can.

 

The lowest points in life are when you are seen just by the outside persona and not the person you really are. Sometimes life will give you lemons and you have choices of making lemonade or squeezing the lemons onto pancakes. This can happen when everything has been going well for so long and then suddenly you walk into a wall which you weren’t expected to see and you trigger a course of events and feel like the world is against you. When you look around and you can see the path of destruction that the world is smiling with everything that is going well for them and you look at yourself and there is nothing but destruction mess and chaos. Sometimes the chaos could be dangerous or unsafe when you are facing problems with hearing voices, and they come over with all the emotions and the un-surety of where to turn when they can’t see anyone nearby who will stand with them.

The deeper the puddle becomes and the harder it becomes to pull themselves out of the puddle as the muddy walls have started to collapse and trapping your feet so they, struggle to claw around at the grass nearby to keep your head above the puddle’s surface. Slowly being dragged under the surface of the murky water feeling the pull from the silo of mud pulling you under the fight to keep yourself above the water becoming harder and harder slowly losing sight of the sun above as you are going further below the surface of the puddle. The hope that someone will see you have bene pulled under and they will put them arm in to save you from drowning in the chaos that is happening. For some people, this will never happen and no one will be there to save them from being dragged under the watery surface. Whilst others may get saved and find the ability to breathe and escape the watery grave that will end the chaos in their mind but not the chaos around them.

Each time I write I give a part of myself closure that a scar has been opened and are now closing and slowly being put to rest. The emotion that can close the suffering and the pain of what has happened in the past and the way some people have hurt me and how I have hurt myself and let my emotions become controlling and how the control my life and emotions.

I am currently going through the similar feeling of Geraldine except I didn’t have someone who I have been in a relationship with. Instead of I have emotions for someone who doesn’t notice how I feel or how much they mean to me. While they begin to start seeing the world with the variety of colours and I am slowly losing the colours in the world and they are becoming darker and harder to see the vibrancy of the colours in the world. the reason I have fallen this hard is because they saw me for me, a human being and that I have a kind heart that I wear on my sleeve, being cheeky and a nice person, who believes in being a good person and hope that being nice and good will bring good things to them and others.

The reality is being a nice person doesn’t mean you get the rewards you feel you deserve, doesn’t happen sometimes you must work and work and work until there is no way of finding that goal it might not happen the way you want. I have 2 simple goals in life

  1. My family and friends are happy and they don’t have to experience any pain or suffering.
  2. That I will find someone who will love me for me, not as a piece of meat, but as a human being who believes in ethics and has a moral compass I know what is right and what is wrong.

I don’t ask for much I am not asking for personal gain with money or materialistic possessions. I want to find that person who loves me for me including all my quirks and not as an object. I am currently deep in this puddle that is life and that the puddle is pulling me under with the mud and clay and struggling to breathe a find who I was this time two weeks ago. Momentarily finding the odd spark that brings back small bits of my identity but then it goes fast enough.

I just wish the person I liked would see how it hurts and how I wish it would have been a different story. I also want my friend to be happy and that’s the ultimate thing. I have slowly started to lose any hope of happiness for myself and can hope for the future for my friends and family.

 

FYI!

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This is my blog and holds my opinions, if people do not like this blog or my opinion please do not threaten me. Just stop reading! its that simple! It is ok to have a differing opinion but does not give anyone the right to threaten me. Any threats will be passed onto the relevant authorities. 

After my break from writing my next blog is called Butterfly. This will be out soon! 

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Control

So the silence is finally over with my blog. I have been busy with work and spending quality time with the new man in my life.

Work has been an interesting time as of late, mainly because one big project piece I worked on from new services has been given the green light and is going to be used as a national document! Compared to my old job where anything I did that was designed to help the business was turned down. So a  new feeling having something signed off. As I don’t rest on my lorrels I have also started to work on a new project. A project focusing on bringing awareness to Mental Wellbeing within an office environment. I am going to be bringing together the take 5 from time to change and workshops specific to Mental Health and Stress. So 2016 is turning into a big year with everything and one year on.

Even to the point I have walked into the devils playground and bumped into the catalysts of my destruction last year. I have survived with help from my friends and yet the fear of seeing the catalyst is still strong but I have faced the fear. Reality is always odd but how can I fear someone who in a way has helped break this illness it didn’t feel it at the time but I have been freed from an illness that has controlled my life for 10 years.While they now go through their own battles I can live my life! I should point out I don’t forgive nor do I forget!

While I know people are out there who hate me for being me, I couldn’t care as I have better and more important things to be doing.

Now I control my destiny and I can say it is looking amazing!

 

Pride

For years we have seen within the UK equality and more of a shift in culture of acceptance compared to back in the 60’s. It was illegal for people to be who they wanted to be.  During the period of the decriminalising there was the “stonewall riots” within America which was still a criminal offence in the USA. A high number of spontaneous raids took place across the USA, creating shockwaves across the LGBT community and begun the Stonewall Riots which turned into a violent clash against the police force.

Every year different parts of the world remember the movement how the change to our culture has given us all. Within the United Kingdom we are fortunate we can be who we want to be and follow our hearts. It is still illegal within 73 countries around the world to be gay. There are only 19 countries within the world mainly within America & Europe it is legally accepted and recognised as a Marriage. There is still major progress to change society across the world and also closer to home. Relationships within the LGBT community can be very fragmented and stigmatised from the outset if you don’t fit the mould the community doesn’t help itself as it is in places attacking each other from within and not accepting the different shades of the sub cultures. We all have our moments where we don’t accept the different people within the community.

Some of the statistics from the LGBT Foundation

  • GB people are twice as likely as heterosexual people to have suicidal thoughts or to make suicide attempts
  • LGB people are two to three times more likely than heterosexual people to suffer from depression
  • Over half of gay young people deliberately harm themselves yet the NSPCC estimates that for young people in general its between 1 in 15 and 1 in 10.
  • 1 in 5 BME lesbian and bisexual (LB) bisexual women have an eating disorder compared to 1 in 20 of the general populatio1 in 4 gay and bisexual (GB) men report being in fair or bad health compared to 1 in 6 men in general
  • A third of GB men who have accessed healthcare services in the last year have had a negative experience related to their sexual orientation
  • A quarter of GB men currently smoke compared to 22% of men in general
  • Across all age groups LGB people could be seven times more likely to take drugs
  • One in 12 LB women have been diagnosed with breast cancer compared to one in 20 of all women

We as a whole sometimes lose the bigger picture how we are moulding society and the culture and how we can change the negative aspect and views of culture change and make them local community better.

Over recent weeks and year, I have got more involved with the events surrounding pride, and the sub cultural days like Manchester based event Bearbash and Scotland’s leading bear event “Bearscots” to more localised events especially recently the Birmingham stands movement, and the Manchester Stand Movements to Pride events. Attending and participating in Bristol pride & later this year the biggest pride events of Manchester Pride.

Bristol pride for me was my first time down there and at an event since last September’s events I participated and did the march with my best friends, and his partner and friends who welcomed in a stranger from the outside, allowing me to walk with them and make me feel a part of their special day. I stood with my friends and got to know and meet a vast variety of people from different walks of life, but they weren’t all from the LGBT community. Pride has become more inclusive to all communities welcoming anyone and everyone, with the understanding you are welcome as long as you accept us as an equal.

This is the same as taking part in Birmingham, sometimes we look around and can’t see anyone and we feel very isolated by the busy bustle that life brings but when you just stop and you look around and truly look you notice you’re not alone. You can go to an event like Birmingham and be with people you know but there are people you don’t know but they are standing with you for the same reason you are standing. At Birmingham Stands Movement we were standing together for Orlando. It wasn’t an attack on America it was an attack on being different and being a part of the LGBT community 49 people lost these lives due to the one act of one man we will never know the true reason as to why he did what he did this devastating act.

The Rainbow stands for different elements  that represent of the community,

Hot Pink- Sexuality
Red- Life
Orange- Healing
Yellow- Sunlight
Green- Nature
Turqoise- Magic/ Art
Blue- Seentiy/ Harmony
Violet- Spirit

I remember my very first pride was Manchester pride I was with friends still living in London and it has to be one of my best pride events I have been to. This was around the time of the Russia was releasing propaganda about being a part of the LGBT community. The acceptance out there was and is not the same as within the West. Baiting to find who is gay and beating and abusing them into shame. Shutting down gay clubs and events and even Pride marches as it is deemed to be brain washing and distribution to minors. Which it is, it is just about accepting themselves for who they want to be.

If you look at the clip below in Turkey Pride event,

Water cannons at a pride event are hardly friendly nor are they gentle this is bullying and assault one person standing in the street waving a rainbow flag is struck with jets of water aiming at the flag and then his head, throwing him hard to the ground, most likely causing injuries to him. You don’t see there is no activists in the event or riots or malicious acts were carried out. The police force just attacked those that are different to them.

For me Pride has made me feel more included and involved within the community and reminds me because of those who have had to fight for me and themselves to have a chance to be equal as peers around the world who so happen to follow the dream of being married to a member of the opposite sex and having acceptance across the world. They have laid the foundation and gave me the opportunity to be me.

Thank you to everyone who has paved the path from the past, the present and the future.

We are ONE, We are the RAINBOW

p.s. See you at future Pride events & Bearscots as I wont hide away from from these events due to fear.

A x

Destruction

This is on my phone so apologies in advance.

it takes a man to admit there flaws and there mistakes. a coward will never admit and will blame others.

For one person to destroy others lives, for what? Do you gain anything ? Do you really win? No you don’t.  You may feel you win but reality will strike and you will become alone isolated and no longer the centre of anyone universe.

How long will it take to see who you are behind the veil? That is to each person but once seen the veil lifted your dark horrible soul will be alone.

People who want to drive people to the darkness deserve no support or kindness as they haven’t shown any.

To the egg I now talk direct your world is falling apart by your own hands and your self appointed right to someone is breaking. If you remember the nursery rhyme
humpty dumpty had a great fall and all the kings horses couldn’t put him back together. 

Your lies and bile are no more as people see through and it will only be so long until those you think you control will leave you. As you left other people’s lives in destruction you will feel that pain but there will be no one there to comfort or support you other than you’re IBS.

I will be there for my friends while you crack and become a sadder lonely old ugly egg and nothing you do will win over that control of me or others. As you can’t continue as the ruler of my mind nor others. You will instead roll off find some other people to sponge off abd damage there lives like you have tried here in manchester.

Goodbye egg you have no control anymore.

Statement

This isn’t a blog more of a statement, this isn’t the usual generic blubbering on. better

 Those that cast the first stone and decide its ok to remind me of my failures my lows my weakness maybe its best you look at yourself first before you try making me feel worst. Pick a side don’t pick a side I don’t care but don’t you dare try to judge me. As you don’t have the right too.

 I am ALEX and I am over being ill!

Loss

Have you ever lost someone, that it hurts so much? That person you wont see again as they haven’t just left your life but they have left this realm of the living?

“Don’t pity the dead pity the living….”

We all will experience death in one form either a close relative or someone from our extended circle of friends. With every death we all go through each stage of the grief process many will not have all the stages of grief and some will, Kuber-Ross Grief cycle includes;

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

 

Each death will go through the 5 stages in some way but they will be handled differently with each death. Some will avoid certain stages, and may never recover from the loss.

Most people know my father had an accident nearly 10 years ago, where he was left as a paraplegic from the neck down. He was able to talk and shout, he wasn’t the same man I grew up with. For 6 years he was in a wheel chair but the majority of the years, he was bed ridden due to a server bedsore and poor medical care he received in one of the care homes which wasn’t equipped for someone like my father to be.

Sadly, in the year the world was watching the UK the most the year of the Olympics, 4 days within my birthday and his birthday. My dad sadly lost the battle against pneumonia. On the 21st January 2012 I was told in front of my father he didn’t have much longer on this earth. As he had already had “surge” he had bounced back the day before as he seemed he was getting better. None of us were ready for the downhill rapidly.

I was in the hospital having to make the call to his family of brothers to get them to come in not for support for me as I am dead to the family, to say goodbye to there brother. The man who was always there for them, but they were never there for him or his actual family. Throughout the day I had to entertain these people going in talking down to me, as if I didn’t know what was going on or how difficult it was for them losing a brother. They sadly forgot about the fact I was losing my father at the same time. Even with my dad’s power of attorney daughter (AKA the toad) tell me how important my father was to her and how she wouldn’t hurt him, also she deserves to be in there more. This person is the same person who outed me to my father, on New Years Day.

On the day I was told my father would be moving on to a better world, I didn’t fear nor did he not being there anymore. I was and am always sad my dad isn’t here seeing me grow up or seeing all the milestones I achieve but also the same milestones he could have achieved.

My father passed on 22nd January 2012 at 00:54. He was told he would most likely pass within 2 hours, this was at 3pm on the 21st. My dad stubborn as they come didn’t want to go just yet at that point and he carried on until he was ready to pass. I have never been prouder of my dad as he chooses to stop treatment, whilst his brothers were against it and I supported my father’s decision he had full capacity to make the decision and he did. He asked for time with just me and for the first time in 6 years he held me, I sat next to him and he told me to rest my head on him, and he lifted his arm something he did rarely due to his condition but he stroked my hair, he was telling me things he had never said to me. One of them he couldn’t stop saying he was proud of me. I had grown up with a difficult hand dealt and he admitted he didn’t shape my life as much as he would have wanted too. My mum and her and my family did. One of the brothers gave me a compliment the one and only compliment I ever got, “I am a credit to him & he should be proud of me” which my dad said he was.

As he is stubborn he carried on and I knew it wouldn’t be till the following day he would pass, even though he was praying he didn’t. everyone went but I stayed with his POA and I sat with him talked to him, helped to cool him down as he was burning up. My dad’s old carer shaved him and the only aftershave we had was mine, for some reason I had my “Paul Smith- Men” in my bag. It’s the last aftershave he put on and he liked it.

Midnight came and it was just the 3 of us, the nurse and on duty doctor gave my dad some pain relief, which was strong enough to help him fall asleep so I stayed holding his hand. Those that know my dad he is a wind up merchant and loved to do it to me. The death rattle happening and then silence in the room, my dad stopped breathing, I was alone with my dad and burst into tears. Then he snored! I will admit I did hit the floor as he is the first person I have ever see pass on. He repeated this a few times, and then the final rattle, he was gone. My father the man who use to be able to pick me up when I fell over. The man who gave me the biggest hug after he found out I was gay. He was now free.

The hardest part for me wasn’t saying goodbye, I had to tell people. I worked my way through and called my dad’s brother and let him know. I was fine as I have said I am not close to my dad’s family by their choosing. I said the usual I am sorry for your loss. Forgetting at this point I had just lost my father. I was still in shock and due to the lack of emotional attachment to them I just wanted to get off the phone as soon as I could. I then had to call my mum, this is where it hit me, my dad was no longer here he was walking on to be welcomed into the skies above. Telling my mum was one of the single most difficult calls and conversations I had. I broke down telling my mum. After calling my mum, I thought of support for her but also for me, I called my godmother also my aunt to be there for my mum.

After making the calls I went back to see my dad, I didn’t want him to be alone. I sat there and walked over to him give him a kiss. It’s weird how fast a body can become cold, losing all the warmth especially after him burning up. I pulled the sheet over to give him some peace so he could sleep.

At 3am we left the hospital and made the long journey home. It was the weirdest journey home even after he past I didn’t cry I just laughed. The taxi back to my home town I was smiling and thinking it is finally over.

When I say that, I mean he no longer has to be reliant on anyone, my dad has/ was very independent and didn’t like to ask for help. He always had a lot of respect for himself and pride and every day his pride was being taken away the dignity he had was no more. Now he has that as he is walking and free of illness and was finally whole. No Matter what I will always love my dad and wish he was here but I am glad he doesn’t have to live the way he was.

I kept it quiet when I woke from a brief sleep, and begun to feel the pain and denial stage, making that call to my mum to see if it was just a dream I didn’t lose my father that morning. Alas it wasn’t a nightmare I had defiantly lost my father and was now in the new chapter of my life. I didn’t tell the world what had happened instead I told a few people, I cancelled my birthday with friends for the following week but told them. The messages began to fly in, about my loss but also my family’s loss. It took me a while to finally find the worlds to say. My last Facebook post about it was “00:54” nothing else I just left the status and any comments associated to it.

Every loss will change and shape our lives in some way, and it depends on who you are to how you deal with grief and you actually grieve some people will avoid the grieving process and fell they don’t need to or know how to. Each person will need to take those steps alone and in their own way, letting in people when they need to.

Four years have passed and each year it slowly gets a tiny bit easier and the memories get a slightly more distant from how it happened and pasted. Each day is the same, moments and memories come back and can bring different emotional moments. Reality for me is, my father actually passed when his accident happened, as he was no longer the big strong father I had. I turned into his carer and slowly seeing the guilt I had for what had happened but he also slowly losing who he was as every day passed.

For me a comment that was said above I am a credit to my father. I am but I am also a credit to my Mum, My Aunt & Cousin and those who are walking along beside us. Those that shaped my life I am who I am because of them. I am not like my dad’s family but I am the person he is proud of.

Sleep tight Dad.

22.01.1956 to 22.01.2012

Happy 60th Birthday Dad

He is ONE x

 

 

Time

When I started this blog I considered the positives and the negatives of blogging and telling the world my problems. Also taking into consideration others might be going through the same or already working on their recovery.

For me I wanted to do a blog for a while and never had a reason to do it until now.  With the blog it was something about ending the stigma attached to mental health issues. Not just with people but also my own view that I was afraid to talk about my mental health or approach the issue until it was very deeply taking control of my life.

Depression is something that takes away people’s identity where something that would be relatively small and easy to manage becomes increasingly bigger and harder to respond to. The simple application of communication and style can be affected if they are an easy going person who is confident and able to approach a subject of different multitudes of issues. For some reason depression starts off as a small ball literally as small as a penny over a period of time the penny has grown to the size of a football with the continued growth and fear and doubt taking over more and more of the persons being.

Over the past year I have started off with this small ball of doubt and fear taking over. This time last year I was packing up my life in London and about to move and begin again, this was an opportunity for me to become more of the person I wanted to become. Instead of just taking in the moments and opportunities I have been given not just with work but also with some really nice people and enjoying the city I chose to call my home.

Since the move I have made friends with some amazing people, I have also met some people I prefer to never met, but those people have come into my life and looking back at the events and at those points they are more of an education that these people are there to remind you of the good happy times you have with some amazing people.

I look back at my past and remember how much I missed out on with friends growing up. I was forgotten about to a certain degree as I have either been the odd number in the group or the person who isn’t really thought of.  With that it has hardened me and made me a bit more stand offish with people as a way to protect myself. It took me 4 months to let people into my world. A resistance and question mark has been hovering over people I meet for how long it will be until someone gets hurt either me or them.  As it happens and to me it feels as if it’s constantly going to happen and with life it could but for me doubt it a big factor.

People give me some lovely compliments from being really nice guy, funny, cheeky, loving, kind, resilient & caring. For me I don’t look at those I have looked at my negatives and also question why people are friends with me as I can’t see why and how we can relate. I know I can be difficult and very unengaged at times as I lack the confidence other have in new situations and can be very shy and quiet. When I did my first bearscots I was sort of left to my own devices and had to get the confidence to get out there and talk to people which I did and in turn met my ex. I had to get the strength to converse talk to people engage with them and partly because I never thought I would ever see the people again as I was ready to say I done bearscots and now I don’t need to go back. Well I did 2 more events volunteered at one of the events and was seen as very confident apparently even with a difficult situations appearing. My last one I wasn’t the same person I knew my relationship was breaking down, my career had just changed I had changed. I let someone take control of my confidence and drain it out of me. Don’t get me wrong bearscots is an amazing event and I would always recommend it to anyone thinking about going. At the last event I met my best friend who I have been visiting while I have been off.

But the time I have been away or the years I have chosen to forget and block out the darkest parts of my past are the hardest to leave behind. I have been told countless times time is a great healer but when your living with depression it isn’t it’s a ticking time bomb and you never know when the seeds or the shadows of doubt will be planted. I have always wanted just to be happy, not with other people just to be happy as me. I accepted years ago before my ex that I would leave this world alone as it’s hard to meet someone who understands me but also accepts me and I also let into my world who is part of my life. As every time I have let people in they hurt me or use my kindness as a sign of weakness and try to destroy me and this is a constant.

Time isn’t a great healer with depression it is a prison you wait and wait and hope that today will be the day you find the key to escape the prison doors, but it never is. When you have let someone in and they have helped put you inside the prison just because that’s there association the prison is no longer run by depression it is also run by the enforcer the person who hurt you and has planted the seeds.

I started this blog and have been very positive that I will change my life and will get myself back to who I want to be. But at present and today I don’t know if I can find that person I want to be. As the person I want to be is yet to be found.

Those I call friends know how much they mean to me as some people I don’t speak to much at all but they know how important they are to me. I don’t share my problems with people because I don’t want people to be focusing on me when they have so much going on in their own lives. I have always had to just get on with it being me. Rarely do I go ask for a helping hand as someone I care about a lot said, “you have been so strong for too long…”and I have been I haven’t let people in as I believed I could fix the world and me without ever focusing on me.

“Accept today as the low point as tomorrow has yet to be decided.”

By me.

I am ONE.

Mirror

Have you ever looked in the mirror and just can’t see what others can see?

Within society we have a number of labels and categories everyone fall’s into. A so called category, but who decides.

I have looked into the mirror and tried to see who is looking back at me. People tell me who I am and what you I mean to them. But then people can tell you but do you believe them?

I am 29 years old. I have had my own battles including the one I am on at the moment. Recently I have been told people wish I wasn’t alive, to not being a nice person and also questioned if I fall into the category. I have previously wrote something about labels so I won’t got down the theory or the social experiments that have been conducted in the past.

Earlier this year I experience my crisis point and talking to some wise people they suggested on a wall writing all the positives about myself. I could get some help from friends but I had to think of the majority of positives. It made it onto Facebook as well. The Wall of positivity as it was known as. I looked at the qualities that I hold within and made me look deep at who I really am. Sometimes or most the time I forget who I really am.

A Mirror has the ability to show you what you want to see but hide the truth within itself. But it could also looking at a dream reliving your day over and over again. This could be a moment wishing it was over and it just fogs up your views of reality.

In my last blog I wrote about a man who has manipulated and treated me like dirt and I have finally had enough, but it got me thinking what people present to someone, they are presenting themselves to the mirror that is you. Where they see what you want them to see. If you are consciously trying to hide parts. But they still will see it just not as obvious. For my current job I was moving from Retail as a Store Manager to working within the charity sector.  This interview I was really big for me as I just quit my old job a few days before and after being told constantly I was an exceptional Assistant Manager and visual merchandiser and that was my glass ceiling to them. Instead of motivating and encouraging me to become stronger as a store manager. And I admit I had made my faults and I could have done things differently but I was still good as a store manager, as I would fix problem stores, namely the store I was seconded over to for a period. Well the interview went well as I got the job but I found out that my shirt was untucked at the back, and one of the managers saying I looked so nervous.

For me I have always and probably will always struggle what people see in me that makes me stand out and for them to want to be friends with me. But it’s time to not question everything and just look into the mirror and see who I want to be and just breath and be me. Life is set to try and test our beings and see if we can accept the reason why we are friends. I have some wonderful friends and they make every day easier and encourage me to grow not just in my recovery but as a friend.

Since I started this blog I have started to open up and talk to more people and also I have been visiting friends to get away from the past and to give myself a chance to just breathe. The people I choose to spend time with are amazing and how much I owe them will never be forgotten as life would be very dull without them. I might be missing ONE or TWO but when the time is ready we will see each other when the time is right.  With being signed off its difficult as I feel I am missing part of me and having to relax when there is so much going on at work at the minute. But I have had to finally stop as the pressure on me there is nothing compared to the pressure I am under by my own hand. So for the past week I have spent a few days in Manchester, helped friends move from one part of York to another part, then to Derby for the Darley Park 2015 Classical FM concert. To finally come home to my mums in Norfolk. I have in total 3 weeks off and I keep having the bad regretful feelings and thinking about the past but I am looking at the now and what I can do to protect me.

“If you’re on the wrong path, turn around”

Kinky boots by Cyndi Lauper.

A Mirror will always pick up elements of what we really don’t want to see even if it’s the past. For me it’s time to leave the mirror image accept who and what I am and forget the rest. As I am definitely here to stay and no man woman or outlaw will tell me otherwise. Those that treat me differently because I am kind, caring, respectful or have depression well really I won’t change who I am because I don’t fit the label you have written for me. I am still going to be me just a better version and those that want to treat me differently well that’s for them to answer to in their own mirror as others will see who you really are.

I am ONE and I will SURV;VOR. Cracks and all.