#honest

Full Circle

Posted on by IAMONE

Well 2015 saw the beginning of the battle. Everywhere I looked there was leaves covering the path, making it impossible to find the route through the fog that slowly drifted in and was taking over my mind and my view. Looking around at what used to bring me joy and excitement was slowly crumbling within my own hands. Feeling each part of the puzzle become heavy and impossible to slot back together, the puzzle was no longer the same puzzle I had in 2014.

The beginning of the circle breaking up with my boyfriend at the end of 2014 ending a period which had been going on for too long and being let down slowly clouded judgement and decisions and accepting being made to feel inferior. My ex came along at a point in my life which is when I needed someone after losing my dad in 2012 on his birthday and grieving and trying to work my way through feeling insecure and unsure of who I am or wanted to be. I have been brought up to be kind, honest and to have manners. Some can see these qualities as weaknesses I see them as being who I am and want to be. It makes me strong and constantly reminds me of my upbringing. After splitting from him, ignoring my own mental health and seeing the fog from afar.

Through 2015 the battle continues and losing the qualities I possess that makes me tick and find the person I was losing. Seeing what half, the picture picking up on the situations and not dealing with them in the right way. Lashing out and making the situation worst or the person who was seeing it and wasn’t real. Some cases it would be the latter and some not so, I became the person who couldn’t be believed.  Posts on social media and comments and the now fully covered path of leaves and rocks no longer seeing where I was meant to be heading. Making the direction of travel impossible to remain on the rails, until the implosion of Pride ’15. The night my world and my soul, being and body could no longer cope or survive as that version of me. The fear and the darkness flooded every part of my body, I finally needed to stop and breath and find the light switch to find my way out of this spiral of destruction, the same spiral my father went through. Now trying to just remain standing and brush a few leaves away. From the moment 30th August 2015 was my lowest point atom find the strength to turn the key in the ignition of my car and drive away from Manchester for a night and trying to find some peace in my head, driving to my best friend’s home and we didn’t discuss what had happened or what was going on, I was left to just take a breath and find aa footing. The hardest part of the illness was making the call home to my mum telling her how low I had become and feeling a failure for being weak. Fear and darkness were part of me from that point on, for several weeks I had to stop and break the routine rarely home in Manchester but at friends and family’s homes keeping myself to myself and writing these blogs through my battles of the highest and lowest moments of depression.

Getting back to what a routine is meant to be, and returning to work, continuing with medication, the path slowly becoming clearer with leaves still across the path in places but slowly the wind blows them away. Friends becoming more available the more I was open about having an illness, no longer feeling isolated or alone. I felt a part of something that wasn’t just me in this fight but I had support. Throughout fighting the illness, I remember that I had to learn from this fight.  New Year’s Eve in 2015 was my first night out in Manchester since pride and my first time being out with others, my friends who are my support network.  Facing so much in 2015 was difficult and some part hurt and still do, it did teach me a lot.

2016 was the beginning of a new chapter and new milestones. Turning 30 and settling into a new life of being me. Being able to say no and distance myself from anything that didn’t make me smile.

Walking into fear and the possibility of bumping into fear at any point was terrifying at times, but then freeing myself of the fear. I began a relationship which wasn’t on the cards at all. The relationship had its moments of happiness and great darkness. As most relationships, they have ups and downs and they all have different directions, sadly the relationship didn’t work and there has been a lot of words and comments have been said and aits now time to put the whole situation to bed.

From these moments, it has developed my resiliency and drive and make me stand back on my own 2 feet, with friends who are now family. Each battle has to let the dust settle and the moments after the fight is when you can see the clear picture of what has happened. Overtime the dust completely clears and you can new parts of this ever-changing puzzle that you never noticed before a piece of part of the puzzle.

When you begin to fight through and deal with depression you slowly deal with recovery, and find challenges great and small. Throughout my 18 month when I started this recovery, I set myself some challenges to achieve was to be able to sit in a public space alone with strangers around me and being able to drink a coffee and to feel comfortable in my own skin. Something I have constantly felt uneasy about. Finally achieving I can sit in a room alone as I am never alone, I am supported by great people, I have an amazing family and some uniquely brilliant friends. In 2016 I, had as many lows and highs and the one of the greatest high’s I will always hold I no longer surviving I am a survivor! From that I challenge the walls and the fears a no longer run away unsure instead I stand my ground.

From this I’ve decided this will be the final blog for #IamONE as I am no longer the one alone, I have gone full circle being able to go out with people I would never dreamed of spending time with at New Years!  I survived Pride 16 when the world was looking like it would implode again it didn’t! being able to go back to Scotland and being at the event that brought me into the gay world, and become part of the community. The lows don’t need to be gone back over again, those who have been part of the lows my only wish is for you to find happiness and be at peace of the past and live in the now. I am free from those lows the sadness and the darkness, I hope you find that inner peace one day. Bearscots I started to say a mantra,

I am Kind

I am Strong

I deserve better

I am…ME

Thank you for reading this blog and being part of my journey I am no longer the person I was in 2015 or 2014! I am the newer me, not fully recovered and never will be cured but I will continue this fight with your helping hand.

My favourite quote I have, “Stumbling isn’t falling” I will never fall with all your kindness and support.

Thank you

I am finally FREE to be me.

Alex

Dare To BEAR

Posted on by IAMONE

When you have a fear, it can become too much to face on your own. As a survivor and current sufferer of chronic depression. “I rise” with help of my friends and loved one I continue to fight through the darkness and the fears. Daring to grow and become strong facing the fears that cloud path forward unsure of where to turn. The light of my friends care and love shining through like a beacon of hope they have helped to protect and support. As a sufferer it is hard to let people in and see when someone really cares and the light coming in from the outside, as the path and the world outside is dark and bleak.

With dealing with depression and anxiety issues it is sometimes difficult to get back on with what we call “normal” life and going out and being who you want to be as each moment of the day as a sufferer you are fighting to get through the seconds, minutes, the hours and the day it can become too much to carry on and trying to just survive becomes the primary goal of the day.

Image result for Bearscots logoThe reason why I decided this blog would be different is because I have had to comes to terms with no longer being a victim but a survivor. There is some part of me that are still very raw and the strength to get through events don’t always come from me, but the strength comes from my friends and family. I have recently been to an event that I haven’t been to in 2 years and the last time I went to it I was in a relationship with my ex. Bearscots was when I first really got my first proper taste of the gay world as I grew up in London being the only gay guy out of my group of friends, it was a learning curve. With the events of 2012 where I lost my father and the family war of his side and confidence to try and make the first real steps into the world that I am apart of even if I didn’t know if I was really ready was overwhelming. The first night I was terrified my confidence was quite low as I was still very new to the world and at the event on my own in the big part as I was still getting to know people. Then I met the ex. They say that’s the end of that and it was, I had 2 years with him and came out with quite a few scars which hurt and they still do to a point but they have happened and I have come to terms with the majority of the problems we were had. I will always fight through the feeling of being the forgotten person and being the least important as I have had years of events being let down. With this year’s Bearscots it was meant to be different it been 2 years I have grown I have started to tackle the problems always head on in my own time and this year Bearscots was one I was tackling with friends and family who were there to hold my hand and pull me through the events of the weekend.

I had to dare myself to push myself through and try to enjoy myself facing the fear walking into an ex, pushing out the memories of the previous events in Edinburgh but also pushing through and baring my soul that I can be safe and enjoy myself in a place that holds so many memories and be safe away from my home and in a place on my own at times.  Many friend’s hands pulling and supporting me through shining bright to get me through the dark times and the path and brushing away the obstacles that appear on the path.

This year’s Bearscots was the event that I have always put above all other events. This is because it feels a lot like home, where it all begun and I could feel comfortable not only being me, but comfortable with other people around me. This year I had a lot of adrenaline building up and was feeling anxious a lot of the time. I was drinking as well at this event as I haven’t really been drinking alcohol a lot of the time when I go out, just to let me to remain in control but this time I decided to go against that rule and just enjoy myself as much as I could as, I can’t control everything and I shouldn’t need too. This year I did have a panic attack outside one of the venues and was on my own for a bit as I couldn’t push through the fear. It felt like time had stopped and I was frozen in time. Friends saw me outside and came and started to try calm me down and help me through the panic.  Looking back at the events of the weekend I doubt and know I wouldn’t have been able to get through the weekend. I actually laughed a lot more then I feared, I danced and drunk as it no one was watching me. Not feeling self-conscious about my weight or my body I enjoyed myself. The pictures show me as I am, smiling being comfortable and being able to say I am me.

A mantra I had to write on the mirror and repeat when I was walking to my friends;

“I am Strong
 I am Better
 I am Kind
 I DESERVE BETTER”

I dare to BEAR and pull through the illness that takes so many people, the statistics are still 1 in 4 adults still face mental health illness. I bare my illness and don’t hide it away but nor do I make it my world or my life, it can feel like it is all I talk about or I am now but I am far from the illness. People come up to me now and talk about how I don’t hide away or how I take the fight to the illness. The reason I bare my soul and the fight is I can see the world differently to what I use to see it as being very differently and being broken view. I am not ashamed of the illness and some days I do wish I wasn’t fighting it and didn’t have the illness but it won’t change anything. I am honest about the battle same as who I have always been, HONEST.

Its ok to have a lapse it is only for a moment not the whole beginning. I have had a few lapses and they are difficult at the time but I learn from each lapse. What is the triggers? What is going on in the bigger world? Am I forgetting what I have learnt in the past to deal with them? The majority of the answers would be yes I have forgotten that I am forgetting the bigger picture and the other coping strategies I have learnt. I didn’t even think about doing my mindfulness this week and it was a sign that I still have really long road to battle through, it is very much a learning curve and I have to think more about me at times especially when I am feeling the world is getting a bit too heavy.

Never feel the battle is too big or feel you have to face it alone. Friends and family and those you might not expect will support you through thick and thin. My best friend who is basically my brother we started this way and now I can’t think of life without having him about. Same as most of my friends they have moved from being just friends but part of my wider family. I will see everyone next year at Bearscots as I owe it to myself to enjoy myself.

To my friends, Family & Supporters Thank you for being there for me and lighting up the path. x

I am ONE

Phoenix

Posted on by IAMONE

Ash to ash dust to dust. The illness that once ruled some people lives with our mental health being more and more prominent within society and the local wellbeing networks that we create over the years. Not all the networks will be for the better.

We go through these stages of losing who we are like an onion which I have wrote about in a previous blog, the many layers of the onion are like our lives. We lose who we are each time we shed that shell of the onion. As that person and shell will never return or re grow you will have parts of that former person appearing with the characteristics but they have been burned away and the rebirth the rise of the “PHOENIX”

The mystical myth the phoenix the fire bird that never dies just comes back stronger and stronger each time. The fire of the rebirth isn’t fast it is a slow transformation into the fire being. Slowly the ashes scatter with us while we walk our lives and never knowing that your old self is no longer there instead you are the new you!

…ONE Year ago “I am ONE” was born the birth of my own phoenix, the beginning to my own recovery from last year where the darkness took over me and I went to the lowest point of my life. The darkness that takes more people every year. It doesn’t believe in excluding anyone for gender, creed, orientation it is all inclusive disease that is soul destroying and it attacks from the inside out.

Back on the 3rd September 2015 my first two blogs were created “I Am One & ONE” five days after the darkness took over on the 30th August 2015 at Manchester Pride it felt like the world was better without me being around and didn’t need me. No matter how much I did to try and fix me it never seemingly worked or would stick so I struggled for 10 years. From the voices in my head telling me “I wasn’t good enough”, “you’re not wanted here” “Die” the voices were getting louder and louder and becoming more controlling. Emotions got heightened and losing more of who I was back then as that person who was constantly fighting and trying to lead a normal life which was impossible to live back then, as I never accepted how ill I was.

Over the year, I have scattered the old ashes and slowly as a walk this earth the old parts of me that were broken. Giving me an opportunity to recover and find the parts of me to free the parts that were prisoned in the high walls of the prison. The fire of my depression and anxiety and stress, took part of me and was a big piece to overcome. It has taken a lot of effort and slowly with help from friends and my family I have grown and the inner phoenix has got bigger and become stronger.  Even entering into a relationship has helped to build up my resistance and I still have to work on that and being able to fight off the feelings of being less than someone else.

A year on and I have taken my bashes and the old scars have opened on occasion but they have been very much helped to make me who I am today.

“If you wanna go somewhere, and you wanna be somebody, you better wake up and pay attention.”

Phoenix will never die, and neither will I. This year has taught me anything nothing is impossible.  I have written the take 5 project which sadly wasn’t picked up beyond the first draft due to the it being too similar to the main wellbeing agenda that is on-going.  I have also completed all my treatment process with CBT, Mindfulness & Counselling and continued with my medication.

Thank you everyone who has been part of my recovery and helped me to transform into me.

xx

 

 

 

 

Giants

Posted on by IAMONE

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“Sometimes loving someone is the hardest part, as they never leave your heart but they do your life”

Giants, the tallest of them all but does that mean the people who are 6 foot 6 or more or how about those people who stand tall and become the “Giants” within their existence. In the “Ghosts” blog I mentioned about how people could be in a room and the 5 seconds of change can happen, I know I have been there, where the whole room is talking and within 2 seconds I have the voice doubting what I am doing.

Life can throw many spanners into things and you never know how they will turn out until the biggest battle you could face.  Sometimes those battles can take a lot to face and admitting that sometimes the people involved in the battle will either safety net or they can be the cause of the battle.  It takes a lot to admit when you love someone and it feels normal and natural and if you actually mean it. It doesn’t have to be a partner but it could be how much you love a friend.  Then suddenly they are no longer there, due to a falling out. Sometimes it can be complicated and the emotions involved in the fall out of the cause can ripple through other people’s lives.

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If we look at current events the war on terror has re awoken from the terrible act carried out allegedly by ISIS. The terror trying to make society smaller than it is and instead of the GIANT we all are. The world has gone into shock and we stand united a rare moment within society that those who try to make us small and suppress the human emotion. We rarely come together but when we do, we do it properly.  #westandunited #turnonthelights

Sometimes people will come into our lives and we will wonder how on earth did we cope and survive without them. On occasion they will be there for life, but then some will only be a part of your life for a brief moment. Sometimes they will have shaped your life for the better and sometimes for the worst.

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This week has been a hard week with anniversaries. sometimes people can influence the mood of what your day will be. and how it will be for the day. Those people can make you feel great or as if you are  smaller than you really are. For me I have face this week, where a big anniversary came and some influencing factors changed my mood from being how I was. To suddenly letting in the voices and I have blocked out for nearly 3 months. They slowly started to flood back and take a piece of me with them thoughts and voices. For me I have achieved 2 big goals, that I am really happy with.

  1. Going out the office without putting my iPod on but also keeping it off when I was coming back in.
  2. Sitting at my desk during the 2 minute silence. This is a huge thing for me as I remember where I was when the 2 minutes back in 2006.

From this I was reeling, but when I went on lunch I asked everyone and especially the person. I went back to putting my iPod on and ignoring the world. Which I really wanted to avoid as I want to be moving forward. When I went to get my lunch I usually would be willing to take my earphones out if someone speaks to me but I refused when I had a chugger asking me questions when all I wanted to do was get away from the office. I had to remember the steps I have learnt from therapy, and considered the mindfulness. You see with me I was brought up with manners, even if I dislike someone I won’t go against my morals or my self-respect. Sometimes I regret the odd slip but I try to ensure I don’t exclude people. The exclusion is something that hurts more than anything else. As what does anyone gain from excluding others unless it is for a proper reason?

2015-11-10 10.28.10I was talking with Rob on Saturday as Ghost was a hard blog to write, probably one of the hardest I have written. While we were talking it came to me, we live our lives to be who we want to be, and sometimes people won’t understand who that is, but really we don’t know who we really want to be we are still learning every day and every moment is a new learning experience. We only live once and as long as we are happy, honest and good people why should anyone judge our decision except for us.

I am tired of feeling small as if everything this year is my fault, or I am taking accountability for events that were beyond my control. I will always admit when I am wrong and I have done this year, and sometimes I am the easy target, as I considerate and sensitive to other people and I will be there for people. Something I inherited from my family and especially my dad. Slight difference I can and will say No!

2015-11-06 07.54.24Now I am at the point where I say goodbye to those that treat me badly, have cast the stones of judgement. As I am never going to be right for you, but really you are never going to be right for me. If you have entered my heart and those who know me will know if they have, it breaks when I have to consider never seeing them again as the person I once counted on, but my heart and my soul will heal as I am not small I am a GIANT and I will stand tall and take control of my life. This part of the path just needs the break you never know where the path will lead to in the future. For now I close the door on this part of my life. Sad that I have lost piece of my heart, but one day it may be repaired.

To those that have lost and been felt small because of someone else, remember you are you and nothing anyone else says they don’t know what you stand for! As today and tomorrow and forever we will be amazing! And no one can take that way!

WE ARE ONE! We are GIANTS and we will Stand Tall!

View

Posted on by IAMONE

IMG-20150616-WA0005Do you remember when you hurt so much you felt as if you were falling to pieces? That one memory that always haunts you when you least want it to come back and it hurts more than ever originally did.

“One Day someone is going to hug you so tight that all your broken pieces will stick back together.”

With every break up or emotional moment they have can hurt and add to a scars we try to forget. Sadly every scar can be reopened at with a simple flick of a switch.  That moment you realise that sometimes, these moments within our past have to have happened as they create who we are.

images (2)For me I have experienced the emotion that others, forget the emotion involved with getting close to someone. The impact on the other person when the feelings are reciprocated, but also the damage it can have on someone. Even when they aren’t facing a battle like depression, those who are on a similar path and recovery from these ups and downs of the emotion that you go through.

Sometimes you just have to say “that’s it, enough is enough” finding that self-belief and self-confidence to finally take control of everything that is going on and end what negativity that is going on in your own life. Breaking that negative spiral and turning it around and working your way back up the spiral.

Past few months, I have seen more than my fair share of the spiral. Just trying to find the strength to get out of bed and no longer hide under the duvet. For those days where the dark shadows and heavy clouds rolling in to block out the rays of light. Every single day I fought with my demons my emotions. Trying to put to bed what was and has happened. From my dad’s accident remembering every moment of that night, tying into the Remembrance Day in 2006. Which also reminds me of my outing from my father’s brother on New Year day. When I turned 20 it was an eventful year as I dealt with everything including being forgotten about by friends.  I watched my father implode when everything he knew changed for a multiple of factors. Back then I blamed myself for my father’s condition as I moved him twice after he fell down the stairs. Little did I know then as I do now that he severed the spinal cord and broke 3 vertebrae’s and paralysing himself in a seconds of flipping the switch!

FB_IMG_1445800313476Life can sometimes throw rocks at you and sometimes they hurt and sometimes they are small pebbles that are blips on the radar they don’t hurt as much but they sting, with the occasional trip in the road. Every rock or boulder thrown could break apiece of you. But they can’t destroy you if you don’t let it.

Someone said to me you need to write about the future, well I can’t write about the future fully as I don’t know what it will bring. I do know a few things, I am going to be 30 in 2 months, and I am going to close my 29th year and the past 10 years and leave them in the years that has cost me a lot over the years. I am going to enjoy being 30, with those I count as friends, but also I am going to count one. I am also going to keep out of the drama that comes with being a grown up, not just being a gay, just the drama of life seemingly is normal.

“Look deep within your heart as you never know the strength you ever had. “

Every time you fight it through the pain and the suffering from a setback you have to dig deep and fight through and find the answers, sometimes those answers might not be what you want to hear or see. But has to be that way and it can be changed with every decision.

To some I will never be good enough to please them, and I won’t be fighting for their approval instead they can fight for mine. And if they don’t who does it hurt as it won’t be me.

I am never going to be one who can toot my horn, and big up how great I am. I’m just not that person, sometimes I can lose who I am and forget what I have achieved in the short and long term. As I write this I feel my life going back to how I felt in august, not being worthy for people as I am the person who is forgotten. To change this feeling I know there are many other people who are feeling exactly the same way and they haven’t got the opportunity to voice it like I have with a blog instead they have to vent it outwards to friends or to some they keep it inside and let it help themselves implode, through their own pain and suffering.

But this is me. cropped-2015-10-02-10-59-45.jpg

I am ONE

Emotions

Posted on by IAMONE

images (3)When you have a mental health illness a simple sum like 1+1 doesn’t equal 2 instead it will equal 5. This is because within the suffers head they will be dealing with logic, anxiety, emotions, voices, lack of confidence & loss of identity. Depression does not discriminate it is one of those equal opportunists illness.

“Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way. Ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.” – Deepak Chopra

Life can take a drastic change every single day you wake up, you never know what could or what could happen. No one knows but the voices within you tell you it will be much worse than it actually is. But here is the kicker, life is actually set to test and it is good to have some anxiety and worry is good to maintain a health mind. As it educates your brain you’re alive, and you have emotions. But you still have to be comfortable to challenge the emotion.

Your reaction is the biggest sign of how you really are. People will see your body language, your eyes, your Personality can vary and you lose what you hope you represent. With no one seeing you or the illness as they don’t want anyone to notice there is something wrong or you’re not well. People talk and sometimes they don’t actually say it directly to them, it can be through words to others.

Sometimes the sufferer will take it out on people and the words can be vengeful, destructive unknowingly letting the illness out and take full control. Once that moment hits, the emotion of anger has been unleashed and it destroys every wall that you once had up and instead now you have blown apart the world that you once held tight, with people you counted and held close. Then they are gone, because you have pushed them so far away that those words are no longer just words they are daggers cutting shreds into the once close friend and they will never see you the same way. As you can’t be the same person as that same person has an illness, and if you want to be free of the illness you can’t be the same person. Instead you have to create the person you want to be.

From time to time it will clear and the clouds will separate and sunshine and light will flood in and that hope returns, and then the clouds will come back quicker then they parted.

images (1)Words can be also be a saviour at the same time. Look at this blog it has saved me more than I know and possible others who are also on their road to recovery.  Every time I consider what could have happened 2 months ago I feel the sadness that I let this illness take me to that point of darkness. But looking at the person I am becoming slowly and every single day I am turning into the Alex I want to be.

I admit I have so much more to learn and accept what happened and how I have to accept each day it’s about the reaction to set backs that will always set me apart from the new and old versions. It takes a lot to admit what is wrong with you and what is going on in your head and this is the hardest part, as how can you tell others what is going on in there when you don’t even know?!

If I FB_IMG_1446146263759was asked 3 months ago if I was ok I would say the classic “I’m fine” never admitted or saying “No, I feel lost, and depressed but don’t ask me why I feel depressed as I don’t know.” The classic line of I am fine is always going to be the instant barrier and safety net for everyone to use. As it’s a defence, you don’t want to always admit, there is a problem. As admitting means it exists and it is no longer just in the background.
Sometimes though words from others can be used to attack the person who is suffering from this silent killer. Others will use vindictive, destructive attacks on others to gain an advantage. And it’s not about blaming those who are attacking other and taking those words, but they do hurt and they do harm. The harm can plant a seed of doubt, and fear from what if others are actually thinking or treating you.

Earlier this year back in February, I faced the fear of darkness and contemplated if it was the right to even still be here. I pushed away people closest and I broke down more and more and isolated myself away and lashed out. Which I am not proud of. Someone who was facing their own battle advised me about this book which comes as a video on YouTube.

I had a black dog, his name was depression”

The silver lining from this first step was I started to seek help, I started counselling through works Employee Assistance Programme which most companies have available or GP will be able to support a counselling referral. I also had a few dear friends become more prominent in my life, I have mentioned them in here before of Phil & Scott, and John. Also in a way it helped me break down my stubbornness and approach Kev and speak to him again as we hadn’t spoken since my birthday.

FB_IMG_1446365006602Then to the most recent event where I have gone beyond what I contemplated and nearly did do, and asking for help more than ever before. I took time off from work, which I have always said I would never do, I started a medicated treatment plan, separating myself away from home while I find some strength. I continues with my Cognitive Behaviour therapy treatment and begun to slowly started to embrace the illness and fight it. As I am ONE was born from the fight. To now going back to work, phased to start with and now I am back full time, completed my CBT treatment. My doctor is happy with my progression and has commented on how different I am from early September.

People have noticed I am not the same as before I went off, but also before I joined work, as I haven’t really stopped and accepted what is going on inside me. This wasn’t because of anyone expectations of me, just my own expectations of I have to be perfect at everything and I have to be brilliant. But I can’t be brilliant & perfect from day one and I have never wanted to be this before when I joined.

The road to recovery is a long and winding road, and right now I am at the high of the road, and fully aware the low could come at any point, but I am enjoying being happy.

To anyone who is on this road, don’t be afraid to speak up, don’t be alone, and never feel the voices know what is best for you. If the battle is getting to much SPEAK UP a message and letter a sign that you need help is all it takes. Never feel alone as you aren’t!  This illness will not dictate who we will be tomorrow or today. As today we are……UNITED.
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I am ONE today and tomorrow I will be a SURVIV( ; )R

Shame

Posted on by IAMONE

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When you start the spiral of illness you go through the shame an the stigma associated with it. Fr years before I seeked help I held the same stigma that it would never happen to me. I was just a bit sad. With the way people with this illness including myself can be sectionned off from world.  Shamed for being beaten by an illness that should be controlled. Reality is this illness is only as strong as we let it, for neglecting ourselves through our mental health to the fact

“Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of but stigma and bias shame us all,”
Bill Clinton

Sometimes the illness can take a turn that is extremely dark and twisted path, as I referred to in previous blogs the “darkness”. Once you have gone down that route and feel you can’t see any light or anyone there to pull you out of the abyss that is the darkness. If you go through with the act or contemplate and decide not to follow through with the act. If you survive you feel drained and damaged from the act, and the shame that comes from it.

The shame that comes from listen to the voices either in your head or sometimes it can come from other people can convince you to do it. It’s the right thing to do as the voices from others or your mind encouraging and telling you’re that it’s for the best. But really is it for the best when you haven’t taken care of yourself. Those influences infect and affect your life and people who forgetful nature and destroy the one person that matters, that is YOU.

2015-10-22 11.49.47Life can take an odd route and can surprise you when you have sunk to levels of despair. Once it has happened you have to admit to some people that you have hit rock bottom. But also you have to admit it yourself that you have nearly committed something unforgiveable. There is a shimmer of light though. You are still here for a reason this could be for someone important, a reason to still be on this planet.

One person can destroy entire life with one action. For me I have seen the darkness I have seen the shadows that stops life. A date that will haunt me with shame for nearly being defeated me 30th August 2015. This was the day I contemplated and nearly committed the most heinous act.

You see the reason why I have posted about my first love, and the abusive relationship I was in with my ex and how I was forgotten by friends and my father. I have always felt the world would have been better off without me. From the guilt of my father’s accident, to never accepting that I wasn’t at fault for what happened nor is it my fault I was outed by my father’s brother from a jealous person who hated the fact my father had a son.  To never being picked or being wanted around by people. On the 30th august it finally got too much for me, when a man who twisted the situation into their own gain. While everyone else was enjoying Pride I was falling apart as people I care about allowed and participated in the situation. Which kicked off an accelerated path of destruction where I sent horrible message to someone important destroying what we had.  Going through my mind at the time was who I will miss, how much I will miss my mum, my aunt, my cousin. A few friends floating in my head, but then how their lives would be better without me. I was saved to a certain extent from the voices by Scott and Phil. Phil kept me on the phone messaging me while Scott came and found me. My route out of the pain I was feeling and my heart breaking. Scott and I went for a walk and Scott wouldn’t let go of me. He held my hand to the park. And even when we were walking back and I was hesitant to go inside, I had to admit my shame, my pain I was suffering. We went out and I was removed from the environment and we talked, I spoken with John and he invited me to stay at his for the night with him and his partner to get me out of Manchester for a night and not to be alone. I drove to John’s for the night, and we didn’t talk about what had happened just watched a movie and had a normal night as if nothing had happened and spent the Monday just watching movies. When I went home I had to make the difficult call and tell my mum about what happened and how bad the illness was. Finally admitting fully that I needed help more than ever. From that point on I begun the slow and continue on this road to recovery.

2086132455-tumblr_lzxvfqmsdx1r80jjso1_500I still have the SHAME that I let the illness nearly beat me and having to admit it is hard and it’s difficult as going back to work after a break of 6 weeks, people do notice you haven’t been around much. Today I admitted my illness to someone who I don’t directly work with. Also trying to get back into the swing of things.

Over the 29 years of my life I have to admit I have some big regrets and they will stick with me for an eternity, and before people start saying you can’t let this be my legacy instead I have to move on and live my life and I have a right to be happy. It will come to that, and I am building back up to this, and blocking out the let down and the hurt I have experienced from the past but also the most recent let downs too. Where I have had to say goodbye to a former best friend as others are put as a priority and being forced to constantly wait just for a bit of time, I have to put myself first and don’t get me wrong, people have a right to have a life and enjoy themselves and get to do whatever they want to do and spend time with. It’s just don’t organise something and then let me down even more and have the time for others, plans can change last minute, there should be a conversation and even if it was a catch up over coffee its’ an amazing thing.

2015-10-08 18.07.30Time to Change current campaign is #smallthing.  The small thing campaign is doing a small thing for someone else, this could be a cup of tea, or asking how someone is. It could be anything at all but it’s just a small moment for someone else showing compassion and empathy and just showing some care and interest in your general wellbeing.

I will always live with the shame of some decision but today is a new day and every day is a start over. The past can’t be re written and it is a piece of the jigsaw the sums you up it will always be the odd shaped one that will stick out like a sore thumb but it will influence what has happened and the future as a learning curve where I will know how to deal with a situation if it ever presents itself again.

I am ONE, I am living, and I am SURVIV;NG

Honesty

Posted on by IAMONE

When you have depression or a stressful situation can you be fully honest with others? Or more importantly can you be honest with yourself?coming out

The biggest battle anyone can have is finally accepting who they are and what is happening. If you look back over time you will notice within the political landscape the political parties with the way the war of terrorism we went into a war with misleading information that turned out to be incorrect. They had to and are currently having to admit wrong doing.  How about when you finally admit who you are? When I was 19 I can’t say I came out per say, not fully, I told a small number of people, and well my mum found “Attitude” in a cupboard. I believe shock is the best way to describe my mum’s reaction as I didn’t tell her she found out on her own.  But was fine with me being gay. My father was a different story, 1st January 2006 am (I remember this time very well from the phone call) my mum called me while I was at my friend’s house for New Year. She told me my dad had been told I was gay by his brother, and my dad was extremely angry the 2 reasons behind that was;

  1. I hadn’t told him his useless brother told him.
  2. He was drunk!

I was on my friends balcony and talking to my dad and mum, well my dad kicked me out, but my mum told him he would be out instead of me as she won’t see me homeless. During this argument/discussion of my outing I was in a breaking down in tears and well some Neanderthals decided it was wise the light a firework and throw it at the shop below where I was standing. I managed to run out the way before it went off but if I didn’t see it happening I would have been seriously injured. I had to hang up on my dad who called me straight back to carry on with the call while Jo & Amy came and check what was going on as they were worried about me and the huge bang. I finished the call with my dad and to my knowledge I was then homeless and could return to a very difficult situation. For 2 hours Jo & Amy just sat with me holding me while my mum was talking to my dad at home. Morning came I didn’t sleep that much but my dad had sobered up and he had calmed down. My mum texted me to let me know he was ok and he wanted me to come home. I eventually left Jo’s home at 5.30 pm and went home for dinner and was staying at my aunts for a few days of cat sitting. But I had to go home and get my bag for a change of clothes as I had New Year’s off from work. As I worked Christmas. When I went home which I was extremely apprehensive about doing. My dad got up and came straight up to me and gave me a big hug and apologised for his actions from the night before. Our relationship changed and we were closer but also my dad accepted I was still the same person I was 2 days before except I was no longer hiding behind an facade. For me I wasn’t honest with others but also I was still accepting I was different.

2015-10-10 14.47.41To current events where I was so low I contemplated the darkness if I am really being honest the writing was on the wall a long time ago with some people and I can’t blame others for what happened. Even with the influences it was my actions that lead to the darkness and I have to move beyond regret which I have a fair few this year. But I don’t regret spending time with some people and getting close to them. I regret that I let myself get to the point of darkness as a forgetting what is important. That is my health, my physical and mental health. I wasn’t honest with myself for 8 months and now I am being quite brutal with my honesty and I also have accepted others were a factor but it was my own actions led to me seeing the darkness.

Honesty works in a number ways where you have to be honest with yourself but also with others around you so they know what is going on as no one knows what is going on in your thoughts, this is where you have to communicate and accept you can’t please everyone with your opinions or actions as it would be impossible to be that person. Which I always try to please the world and apologise beyond what I need to do, as I try to people please and be liked by everyone, and nor should I expect everyone to like me. I don’t like the world and it’s time to just breathe and enjoy the people I want to spend time with.

Someone said to me at pride;

 

“I get to choose, and I can decide who I don’t want spend time with.”

Anyone dealing with issues have the biggest hurdle and admitting they have a problems this isn’t just for mental health but in life. Admitting you have a problem and you need help is a huge step and accepting life isn’t perfect and removing those rose tinted specs will be the best case in a long run.

2015-10-15 11.10.04This week I have gone back to work and completed 3 days back in the same building as the person I have avoided for 6 weeks and don’t want to see or speak to or ever be associated with as we aren’t friends, I
can’t be dealing with the self-indulgence he brings with him nor can I be dealing with feeling the way I did 6 weeks ago. I will wish him well for the future but not for our lives and nor will I wish to entertain or encourage him into my life. With being back at work I have to challenge myself everyday of dealing with the question, “where have you been?” and taking over the work I was doing before I went off. But I have to get beyond this and just forget about it as its not going to change. I took a leave of absence to recover, move beyond the darkness and find who I am, which is still on going. And to leave the past where it belongs in the past along with feelings of not being reciprocated.

A future is going to be brighter and happier & will make myself a priority.

I am One & I am HONEST I am and will get better.