When I started this blog I considered the positives and the negatives of blogging and telling the world my problems. Also taking into consideration others might be going through the same or already working on their recovery.
For me I wanted to do a blog for a while and never had a reason to do it until now. With the blog it was something about ending the stigma attached to mental health issues. Not just with people but also my own view that I was afraid to talk about my mental health or approach the issue until it was very deeply taking control of my life.
Depression is something that takes away people’s identity where something that would be relatively small and easy to manage becomes increasingly bigger and harder to respond to. The simple application of communication and style can be affected if they are an easy going person who is confident and able to approach a subject of different multitudes of issues. For some reason depression starts off as a small ball literally as small as a penny over a period of time the penny has grown to the size of a football with the continued growth and fear and doubt taking over more and more of the persons being.
Over the past year I have started off with this small ball of doubt and fear taking over. This time last year I was packing up my life in London and about to move and begin again, this was an opportunity for me to become more of the person I wanted to become. Instead of just taking in the moments and opportunities I have been given not just with work but also with some really nice people and enjoying the city I chose to call my home.
Since the move I have made friends with some amazing people, I have also met some people I prefer to never met, but those people have come into my life and looking back at the events and at those points they are more of an education that these people are there to remind you of the good happy times you have with some amazing people.
I look back at my past and remember how much I missed out on with friends growing up. I was forgotten about to a certain degree as I have either been the odd number in the group or the person who isn’t really thought of. With that it has hardened me and made me a bit more stand offish with people as a way to protect myself. It took me 4 months to let people into my world. A resistance and question mark has been hovering over people I meet for how long it will be until someone gets hurt either me or them. As it happens and to me it feels as if it’s constantly going to happen and with life it could but for me doubt it a big factor.
People give me some lovely compliments from being really nice guy, funny, cheeky, loving, kind, resilient & caring. For me I don’t look at those I have looked at my negatives and also question why people are friends with me as I can’t see why and how we can relate. I know I can be difficult and very unengaged at times as I lack the confidence other have in new situations and can be very shy and quiet. When I did my first bearscots I was sort of left to my own devices and had to get the confidence to get out there and talk to people which I did and in turn met my ex. I had to get the strength to converse talk to people engage with them and partly because I never thought I would ever see the people again as I was ready to say I done bearscots and now I don’t need to go back. Well I did 2 more events volunteered at one of the events and was seen as very confident apparently even with a difficult situations appearing. My last one I wasn’t the same person I knew my relationship was breaking down, my career had just changed I had changed. I let someone take control of my confidence and drain it out of me. Don’t get me wrong bearscots is an amazing event and I would always recommend it to anyone thinking about going. At the last event I met my best friend who I have been visiting while I have been off.
But the time I have been away or the years I have chosen to forget and block out the darkest parts of my past are the hardest to leave behind. I have been told countless times time is a great healer but when your living with depression it isn’t it’s a ticking time bomb and you never know when the seeds or the shadows of doubt will be planted. I have always wanted just to be happy, not with other people just to be happy as me. I accepted years ago before my ex that I would leave this world alone as it’s hard to meet someone who understands me but also accepts me and I also let into my world who is part of my life. As every time I have let people in they hurt me or use my kindness as a sign of weakness and try to destroy me and this is a constant.
Time isn’t a great healer with depression it is a prison you wait and wait and hope that today will be the day you find the key to escape the prison doors, but it never is. When you have let someone in and they have helped put you inside the prison just because that’s there association the prison is no longer run by depression it is also run by the enforcer the person who hurt you and has planted the seeds.
I started this blog and have been very positive that I will change my life and will get myself back to who I want to be. But at present and today I don’t know if I can find that person I want to be. As the person I want to be is yet to be found.
Those I call friends know how much they mean to me as some people I don’t speak to much at all but they know how important they are to me. I don’t share my problems with people because I don’t want people to be focusing on me when they have so much going on in their own lives. I have always had to just get on with it being me. Rarely do I go ask for a helping hand as someone I care about a lot said, “you have been so strong for too long…”and I have been I haven’t let people in as I believed I could fix the world and me without ever focusing on me.
“Accept today as the low point as tomorrow has yet to be decided.”
I am ONE.