“Never underestimate the pain of a person because the truth is everyone is struggling. It’s just some people hide it better than others.”
Every day when you’re facing this illness, you have to face a daily battle of panic and fear of what is going on in your mind. For me I have a daily battle now I am back at work is will I walk into the person who represents the worst. A person I never can trust and fear the worst from. Some will say never fear the worst as it may never happen. But a constant battle walking into the him when he works in the same building as me, is a big hurdle. Today I had a panic attack at work while I was on my break. I walked out of the stairwell in work and was behind him and my friend. It caught me off guard as I thought my friend had gone by then. I doubled back on myself so they didn’t see me but the panic and fear was in me. It brought back the pain I suffered 2 months ago, how the darkness nearly took away any chance of a bit of light I might one day have.
For the past few days before Wednesday at 1 p.m. today I was smiling and being really happy and positive and I wasn’t putting on a front instead I was actually happy. Over the weekend I challenged myself and met my friends and also new people and I actually had a good time. After the last few weeks where I have been plodding along and having to deal with the day to day question of where have you been? How are you? I have just hidden how I am at times. Sometimes you have to hide how you are feeling just to help get through the day. People only ask because they are concerned.
Well from the Panic of Wednesday to now after the review of my medication and also where I was this time two months ago its two different worlds. This is where my blog will take a bit of a drastic change as this is something I need to do. You see for me the panic I went through yesterday was unnerving seeing the person who reminds me of what nearly ended where I considered taking my life.
With every day you have to grow and fight and find your own path and I am at my cross roads with my recovery. My cross roads is what most people dealing with this illness will face at the some point. The crossroads is sometimes called the “turning point”.
Here is mine. On Friday last week I announced on Facebook I was dealing with depression. I restricted this from people at work. But no one else. The response was overwhelming that it felt right, with some people I would never have expected with the positive encouragement. I spent my first Friday at home since the beginning of August. I haven’t been home for 3 months. I completed my first 4 days at work and I didn’t get as phased by much. The weekend I went to my John & Rob’s the few places I feel safe and comfortable, and they have a lodger now. Which semi threw me as I have been hiding away from new situations and people to a certain point? From then I couldn’t stop smiling just from taking some pride in who I am, feeling comfortable with who I am as well.
Then the mad panic of Wednesday, to Thursday I have changed in 2 months I am stronger than I was back in August, if not before with the many times I have battled against the illness. I have to admit where I struggle and where I have let in the doubt as for many years of always being neglected by people.
“Sometimes the smallest things, take up the most room in your heart” – Winnie the Pooh.
My favourite Disney character is Winnie the pooh, has been since I was a baby with my own one. He represents my childhood. I am no longer a child I am 29 years old, a fighter, a survivor and I am me.
I don’t believe in hiding away from this illness nor do I believe in letting it shape my life. My life is about to change for the right reasons as I will destroy the illness instead of it destroying me! With this blog it is a different one as I have more hunger to survive. The person I have avoided ill no longer been seen as an obstacle instead he won’t exist to me. To the person who can’t face the music and man up, well I have to say I have asked for small steps and small things to get back on the path, I have to say I am disappointed not in myself but in him. I have maned up and faced the music, I said to Kev today, I will never be good enough for him, well he corrected me, He will never be good enough for me…. And reality is those people who make me doubt myself or make me choose who I am aren’t good enough for me.
I deserve better and I am better, and this 9 year battle is going to be the end of the illness.
This was a picture of me at pride this year, with 2 people I count as being part of my life, for the good or the bad parts.
Now I don’t need a picture to remind me of where I am now, as now I am going to embrace life, and focus on me. As this is me. Take me or leave me. X