October | 2015 | I am ONE

Panic

Posted on October 29, 2015 by IAMONE

When you admit you have a problem you go through phases of PANIC and despair. For me I have finally admitted to the world that I have chronic depression.

“Never underestimate the pain of a person because the truth is everyone is struggling. It’s just some people hide it better than others.”

Every day when you’re facing this illness, you have to face a daily battle of panic and fear of what is going on in your mind. For me I have a daily battle now I am back at work is will I walk into the person who represents the worst. A person I never can trust and fear the worst from. Some will say never fear the worst as it may never happen. But a constant battle walking into the him when he works in the same building as me, is a big hurdle. Today I had a panic attack at work while I was on my break. I walked out of the stairwell in work and was behind him and my friend. It caught me off guard as I thought my friend had gone by then. I doubled back on myself so they didn’t see me but the panic and fear was in me. It brought back the pain I suffered 2 months ago, how the darkness nearly took away any chance of a bit of light I might one day have.

For the past few days before Wednesday at 1 p.m. today I was smiling and being really happy and positive and I wasn’t putting on a front instead I was actually happy. Over the weekend I challenged myself and met my friends and also new people and I actually had a good time. After the last few weeks where I have been plodding along and having to deal with the day to day question of where have you been? How are you? I have just hidden how I am at times. Sometimes you have to hide how you are feeling just to help get through the day. People only ask because they are concerned.

Well from the Panic of Wednesday to now after the review of my medication and also where I was this time two months ago its two different worlds. This is where my blog will take a bit of a drastic change as this is something I need to do. You see for me the panic I went through yesterday was unnerving seeing the person who reminds me of what nearly ended where I considered taking my life.

With every day you have to grow and fight and find your own path and I am at my cross roads with my recovery. My cross roads is what most people dealing with this illness will face at the some point. The crossroads is sometimes called the “turning point”.

Here is mine. On Friday last week I announced on Facebook I was dealing with depression. I restricted this from people at work. But no one else. The response was overwhelming that it felt right, with some people I would never have expected with the positive encouragement. I spent my first Friday at home since the beginning of August. I haven’t been home for 3 months. I completed my first 4 days at work and I didn’t get as phased by much. The weekend I went to my John & Rob’s the few places I feel safe and comfortable, and they have a lodger now. Which semi threw me as I have been hiding away from new situations and people to a certain point? From then I couldn’t stop smiling just from taking some pride in who I am, feeling comfortable with who I am as well.

Then the mad panic of Wednesday, to Thursday I have changed in 2 months I am stronger than I was back in August, if not before with the many times I have battled against the illness. I have to admit where I struggle and where I have let in the doubt as for many years of always being neglected by people.

“Sometimes the smallest things, take up the most room in your heart” – Winnie the Pooh.

My favourite Disney character is Winnie the pooh, has been since I was a baby with my own one. He represents my childhood. I am no longer a child I am 29 years old, a fighter, a survivor and I am me.

I don’t believe in hiding away from this illness nor do I believe in letting it shape my life. My life is about to change for the right reasons as I will destroy the illness instead of it destroying me! With this blog it is a different one as I have more hunger to survive. The person I have avoided ill no longer been seen as an obstacle instead he won’t exist to me. To the person who can’t face the music and man up, well I have to say I have asked for small steps and small things to get back on the path, I have to say I am disappointed not in myself but in him. I have maned up and faced the music, I said to Kev today, I will never be good enough for him, well he corrected me, He will never be good enough for me…. And reality is those people who make me doubt myself or make me choose who I am aren’t good enough for me.

I deserve better and I am better, and this 9 year battle is going to be the end of the illness.

This was a picture of me at pride this year, with 2 people I count as being part of my life, for the good or the bad parts.

L-R Phil, Me & Scott

Now I don’t need a picture to remind me of where I am now, as now I am going to embrace life, and focus on me. As this is me. Take me or leave me. X

#IamONE #Iamstrongerthaneverbefore!

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Shame

Posted on October 22, 2015 by IAMONE

When you start the spiral of illness you go through the shame an the stigma associated with it. Fr years before I seeked help I held the same stigma that it would never happen to me. I was just a bit sad. With the way people with this illness including myself can be sectionned off from world. Shamed for being beaten by an illness that should be controlled. Reality is this illness is only as strong as we let it, for neglecting ourselves through our mental health to the fact

“Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of but stigma and bias shame us all,”
Bill Clinton

Sometimes the illness can take a turn that is extremely dark and twisted path, as I referred to in previous blogs the “darkness”. Once you have gone down that route and feel you can’t see any light or anyone there to pull you out of the abyss that is the darkness. If you go through with the act or contemplate and decide not to follow through with the act. If you survive you feel drained and damaged from the act, and the shame that comes from it.

The shame that comes from listen to the voices either in your head or sometimes it can come from other people can convince you to do it. It’s the right thing to do as the voices from others or your mind encouraging and telling you’re that it’s for the best. But really is it for the best when you haven’t taken care of yourself. Those influences infect and affect your life and people who forgetful nature and destroy the one person that matters, that is YOU.

Life can take an odd route and can surprise you when you have sunk to levels of despair. Once it has happened you have to admit to some people that you have hit rock bottom. But also you have to admit it yourself that you have nearly committed something unforgiveable. There is a shimmer of light though. You are still here for a reason this could be for someone important, a reason to still be on this planet.

One person can destroy entire life with one action. For me I have seen the darkness I have seen the shadows that stops life. A date that will haunt me with shame for nearly being defeated me 30^th August 2015. This was the day I contemplated and nearly committed the most heinous act.

You see the reason why I have posted about my first love, and the abusive relationship I was in with my ex and how I was forgotten by friends and my father. I have always felt the world would have been better off without me. From the guilt of my father’s accident, to never accepting that I wasn’t at fault for what happened nor is it my fault I was outed by my father’s brother from a jealous person who hated the fact my father had a son. To never being picked or being wanted around by people. On the 30^th august it finally got too much for me, when a man who twisted the situation into their own gain. While everyone else was enjoying Pride I was falling apart as people I care about allowed and participated in the situation. Which kicked off an accelerated path of destruction where I sent horrible message to someone important destroying what we had. Going through my mind at the time was who I will miss, how much I will miss my mum, my aunt, my cousin. A few friends floating in my head, but then how their lives would be better without me. I was saved to a certain extent from the voices by Scott and Phil. Phil kept me on the phone messaging me while Scott came and found me. My route out of the pain I was feeling and my heart breaking. Scott and I went for a walk and Scott wouldn’t let go of me. He held my hand to the park. And even when we were walking back and I was hesitant to go inside, I had to admit my shame, my pain I was suffering. We went out and I was removed from the environment and we talked, I spoken with John and he invited me to stay at his for the night with him and his partner to get me out of Manchester for a night and not to be alone. I drove to John’s for the night, and we didn’t talk about what had happened just watched a movie and had a normal night as if nothing had happened and spent the Monday just watching movies. When I went home I had to make the difficult call and tell my mum about what happened and how bad the illness was. Finally admitting fully that I needed help more than ever. From that point on I begun the slow and continue on this road to recovery.

I still have the SHAME that I let the illness nearly beat me and having to admit it is hard and it’s difficult as going back to work after a break of 6 weeks, people do notice you haven’t been around much. Today I admitted my illness to someone who I don’t directly work with. Also trying to get back into the swing of things.

Over the 29 years of my life I have to admit I have some big regrets and they will stick with me for an eternity, and before people start saying you can’t let this be my legacy instead I have to move on and live my life and I have a right to be happy. It will come to that, and I am building back up to this, and blocking out the let down and the hurt I have experienced from the past but also the most recent let downs too. Where I have had to say goodbye to a former best friend as others are put as a priority and being forced to constantly wait just for a bit of time, I have to put myself first and don’t get me wrong, people have a right to have a life and enjoy themselves and get to do whatever they want to do and spend time with. It’s just don’t organise something and then let me down even more and have the time for others, plans can change last minute, there should be a conversation and even if it was a catch up over coffee its’ an amazing thing.

Time to Change current campaign is #smallthing. The small thing campaign is doing a small thing for someone else, this could be a cup of tea, or asking how someone is. It could be anything at all but it’s just a small moment for someone else showing compassion and empathy and just showing some care and interest in your general wellbeing.

I will always live with the shame of some decision but today is a new day and every day is a start over. The past can’t be re written and it is a piece of the jigsaw the sums you up it will always be the odd shaped one that will stick out like a sore thumb but it will influence what has happened and the future as a learning curve where I will know how to deal with a situation if it ever presents itself again.

I am ONE, I am living, and I am SURVIV;NG

Core

Posted on October 21, 2015 by IAMONE

When I was at school I had to read a poem “Valentine by Carol Ann Duffy” this poem has stuck with me for an unknown reason. Other than looking at what the poem represents.

Valentine by Carol Ann Duffy

Not a red rose or a satin heart.
I give you an onion. It is a moon wrapped in brown paper. It promises light like the careful undressing of love.
Here. It will blind you with tears like a lover. It will make your reflection a wobbling photo of grief. I am trying to be truthful.
Not a cute card or a kissogram.
I give you an onion. Its fierce kiss will stay on your lips, possessive and faithful as we are, for as long as we are.
Take it. Its platinum loops shrink to a wedding-ring, if you like. Lethal. Its scent will cling to your fingers, cling to your knife.

The onion symbolising different layers, and with depression there are different layers of recovery and with this poem it relates to the rings of the onion down to a wedding ring, but within mental health it represents the opposite as you start off on the core of the onion. It’s buried under all the different layers and more reminders. The core of is where you hide away the fact you have an illness you pretend that you are ok, but really inside to your core you know you’re not.

One person core is never going to be the same as another as you would never find two of the same onions. As we grow and recover from a situation you have to let each layer grown and develop. Asking for help when is needed and hiding away from risk and exposure of darkness. But also you have to find people you can rely upon and who don’t only make you their own lives a priority but also they make you part of that.

A layer no one expects to see or really recover from is stress sometime you have to throw yourself into the fire and try to fight against the stress that is normality. I have returned back to work now and I am easing my way back into my old role and taking over the responsibilities I had before I took a leave of absence. I removed the stress that work brought into it. I also had to step away from my home, and my life. This was and is just one of the layers to the onion that is reality. I would talk to a small group of people and most of them are the people who read this blog. The slight issue with this is, people aren’t always what they seem. When you are going through an illness and are recovering from it you need people to be reliable and being there. You have to remember those same people have a life as well and they have to be able to carry on with there life but they cant pick and choose when they are going to be there and what kind of reliability they can provide. It has to be constant and sometimes you need them to be there more than your really know.

I have always tried to not rely on anyone and nor have I wanted to be centre of attention. I am never the most popular nor am I the one that stand outs. I always try to just blend in, and be me I don’t like being noticed as it means I am opening myself up to the world, where I can be criticised or discussed. Instead blending in means I see what others don’t see whats around them, but also means I stay within my shell and I hide behind that “brown paper” that is surrounding me and people around me only notice if I pull away the paper slightly as I can just wrap up under the paper. This comes from years of never being picked first or being forgotten about by people.

The cause of my darkness festered from friends picking others and putting other before me, with the belief there was no harm to anyone or malice. Sadly in reality it was festering away within my heart and head breaking me and breaking my soul to the shell. People would organise a simple plan, to suddenly the plans being ripped from underneath you like the proverbial carpet. Those people do not know how much it takes when your fighting this illness that it takes twice as much strength to get back up. A simple plan can mean the world and means I have something to look forward too. To suddenly not have that hope or the fire’s flames are doused out with water as the plans are no more. Even if it’s rescheduled and rescheduled it takes a lot for someone to get the fight to say its ok and mean it. And for me not to think is it me? Am I not good enough? This can then lead to arguments and it can turn into a huge stressful event and it is difficult to fight through.

I fight through a lot but there is only so much fight anyone can have until it is too much. The layers can suffocate the fight out of anyone. Each stage of fighting out the layers and trying to just gasp that first breath as if you haven’t been able to breath.

Last week I went back positive and full of energy ready to get back some kind of normality. Then a stress ball appeared and trying to block it out the chaos around me from getting back into working life, and everything that has happening with others. To the being let down again because someone prioritised others again. From this and other conversations I have cut myself off from the world as I feel like I am a let-down to everyone, and going back to square one.

One day I hope to defeat this illness and more than my CORE.

I am ONE.

Honesty

Posted on October 16, 2015 by IAMONE

When you have depression or a stressful situation can you be fully honest with others? Or more importantly can you be honest with yourself?

The biggest battle anyone can have is finally accepting who they are and what is happening. If you look back over time you will notice within the political landscape the political parties with the way the war of terrorism we went into a war with misleading information that turned out to be incorrect. They had to and are currently having to admit wrong doing. How about when you finally admit who you are? When I was 19 I can’t say I came out per say, not fully, I told a small number of people, and well my mum found “Attitude” in a cupboard. I believe shock is the best way to describe my mum’s reaction as I didn’t tell her she found out on her own. But was fine with me being gay. My father was a different story, 1^st January 2006 am (I remember this time very well from the phone call) my mum called me while I was at my friend’s house for New Year. She told me my dad had been told I was gay by his brother, and my dad was extremely angry the 2 reasons behind that was;

I hadn’t told him his useless brother told him.
He was drunk!

I was on my friends balcony and talking to my dad and mum, well my dad kicked me out, but my mum told him he would be out instead of me as she won’t see me homeless. During this argument/discussion of my outing I was in a breaking down in tears and well some Neanderthals decided it was wise the light a firework and throw it at the shop below where I was standing. I managed to run out the way before it went off but if I didn’t see it happening I would have been seriously injured. I had to hang up on my dad who called me straight back to carry on with the call while Jo & Amy came and check what was going on as they were worried about me and the huge bang. I finished the call with my dad and to my knowledge I was then homeless and could return to a very difficult situation. For 2 hours Jo & Amy just sat with me holding me while my mum was talking to my dad at home. Morning came I didn’t sleep that much but my dad had sobered up and he had calmed down. My mum texted me to let me know he was ok and he wanted me to come home. I eventually left Jo’s home at 5.30 pm and went home for dinner and was staying at my aunts for a few days of cat sitting. But I had to go home and get my bag for a change of clothes as I had New Year’s off from work. As I worked Christmas. When I went home which I was extremely apprehensive about doing. My dad got up and came straight up to me and gave me a big hug and apologised for his actions from the night before. Our relationship changed and we were closer but also my dad accepted I was still the same person I was 2 days before except I was no longer hiding behind an facade. For me I wasn’t honest with others but also I was still accepting I was different.

To current events where I was so low I contemplated the darkness if I am really being honest the writing was on the wall a long time ago with some people and I can’t blame others for what happened. Even with the influences it was my actions that lead to the darkness and I have to move beyond regret which I have a fair few this year. But I don’t regret spending time with some people and getting close to them. I regret that I let myself get to the point of darkness as a forgetting what is important. That is my health, my physical and mental health. I wasn’t honest with myself for 8 months and now I am being quite brutal with my honesty and I also have accepted others were a factor but it was my own actions led to me seeing the darkness.

Honesty works in a number ways where you have to be honest with yourself but also with others around you so they know what is going on as no one knows what is going on in your thoughts, this is where you have to communicate and accept you can’t please everyone with your opinions or actions as it would be impossible to be that person. Which I always try to please the world and apologise beyond what I need to do, as I try to people please and be liked by everyone, and nor should I expect everyone to like me. I don’t like the world and it’s time to just breathe and enjoy the people I want to spend time with.

Someone said to me at pride;

“I get to choose, and I can decide who I don’t want spend time with.”

Anyone dealing with issues have the biggest hurdle and admitting they have a problems this isn’t just for mental health but in life. Admitting you have a problem and you need help is a huge step and accepting life isn’t perfect and removing those rose tinted specs will be the best case in a long run.

This week I have gone back to work and completed 3 days back in the same building as the person I have avoided for 6 weeks and don’t want to see or speak to or ever be associated with as we aren’t friends, I
can’t be dealing with the self-indulgence he brings with him nor can I be dealing with feeling the way I did 6 weeks ago. I will wish him well for the future but not for our lives and nor will I wish to entertain or encourage him into my life. With being back at work I have to challenge myself everyday of dealing with the question, “where have you been?” and taking over the work I was doing before I went off. But I have to get beyond this and just forget about it as its not going to change. I took a leave of absence to recover, move beyond the darkness and find who I am, which is still on going. And to leave the past where it belongs in the past along with feelings of not being reciprocated.

A future is going to be brighter and happier & will make myself a priority.

I am One & I am HONEST I am and will get better.

Season

Posted on October 13, 2015 by IAMONE

Loving-your-soul-quotes

Life has a multitude of seasons through our own development, birth, childhood, teenager years, adult hood & death. We go through all these seasons’ different chapters or stages to find who we are what we want to become. It’s a bit like the year it goes through the seasons of change, and life has that possibility of changing every single day in a variety of ways.

When you begin the spiral of destruction to the darkness you have the voices talking and telling you how unwanted you are or how you aren’t good enough. Some people will be there and they say they will stand by you to give you the strength to help you back up the spiral, and some of them will never know how it feels until it happens to them or someone even closer to them.

For someone who is “Surviving” I have felt my world implode on fire and parts of me damaged beyond repair, losing friends and my character is lost and is never going to return. Part of the world that held onto your hope is lost and becomes smaller and is lost for a time being especially once you have imploded. All hope is lost for a long time and you haven’t followed the darkness but you have become isolated away from the world no one sees behind the closed doors.

Within the six weeks of the implosion I have had to rebuild parts of my world. Taking time away from anything or anyone that could be a stress from me. I have left people alone and only turning to a few people. I have spent time with friends and family. Exploring different social situations, going out every single day to just get myself use to life beyond four walls and possibility of bumping into people I know. Continuing with therapy of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, Regular check-ups with my GP. From going to the GP I have challenged a fear of going into the office where I was and I still am worried about bumping into certain person. I have accepted some people aren’t there to be friends they are there just because they want to feel better about themselves, I am never going to please the world nor should I try to be everyone’s friend. What I need to do is stop trying so much and just be me, accept my faults, accept the stresses at the time, and leave them where they belong. I can’t be scared of the “IF” and instead look at what I am good at. My work in itself is good, I have plenty of room to grow and improve from good to great. This will happen over the time and I will only get better. I have lost quite a bit of my focus over the past few months struggling to sit down and read a book something I really enjoy to do. To the past few weeks doing mindfulness and focusing on my breathing, slowly relaxing looking at each part of my body and how much tension and emotion I am holding within my body. To going to Birmingham next month for a night out with good friends which will be my first proper night out, in a place I know nothing about and just trying to have fun away from people who judge me and worry I could break down at any point. My other part of improving and growing is meeting up with people locally friends or acquaintances.

This is the season where I am in the spring learning and growing and starting to enjoy who I actually am. Spring is where you jump forward and don’t look back at the past. Even with the fact we are in the autumn season it’s about how we embrace the constant change and not looking at those voices or people who have interfered in the my past and instead just being me.

On Wednesday I am embracing normality and going back to work and facing the demons. I am doing it on my terms. With everything work has been really supportive and encouraging to get myself better. With the possibilities I had set up some kinds of support for the week but sadly it fell through which is a normal thing and the reasons behind the changes are understandable, I just have to continue to take it on the chin and move on without that support I might need. For me I am going to continue travel and spend time with a small group of people. I don’t stick around my home town just to give myself space and also to help my recovery.

My seasons of recovery is constantly changing and is never going to stop evolving. It is
time to stop worrying about the world and worry more about me not just my physical health but also my mental health as well. As no one is going to be able to save me again unless I SAVE ME.

I was listening to a variety of music while writing this blog and three songs stuck out so I have three below that really hit a different level with me.

I am ONE.

Hope

Posted on October 9, 2015 by IAMONE

“NEVER let go of HOPE. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself… ‘How did I get through all of that?’”

Over the past few days I have been given the opportunity to speak to some amazing people who approached me about this blog. With compliments this blog is giving them a bit of hope. I never thought about how my ramblings could give people some hope and to encourage others. But also those I let know about the blog are very key to my own recovery. You see I haven’t gone into the darkness or even discussed what happened to spark the recovery.

For me the spark was when I witnessed someone I cared about more than anything else pick someone else and let someone exploit my emotions which he still doesn’t see instead he was thinking about his own need. Which isn’t wrong but he was oblivious of my feelings for him. The following day walking in on aftermath. Realising I am never going to be good enough for him instead everyone else is. I walked out and asked to go for a walk with a friend. I slowly started to feel the fear bubbling up inside me the voices talking telling me how worthless I was. I walked out and just walked, I messaged my friend telling him where I was and what was going on. I needed someone, the voices shouting at me not to ask for help. The voice was encouraging me to leave to follow the darkness.

My friend found me before I did follow the darkness I didn’t see the light we went for a walk & talked and just taking a step away. Being honest with myself and the feeling I had inside never really admitting I was in love, I never admitted this to myself. Talking to my friend about what was going through my head and my heart as well. We walked back and went back out and I admitted my feelings to the person I fell for, how I nearly ended it all because of everything. It’s not about what got up to it was the connection we had between us and how we grew closer and closer.

Reality was it was always on someone else terms, I was never good enough but the reason I wasn’t good enough to him is because I never believed in myself I would let others set in front of me and let them knock me back down. There is a saying one door closes another will open but in a way the door closes and you have to walk down the corridor it won’t be a simple walk across to the next door you have a set of stairs and longer paths to walk. The door could also be locked for the time being so you have to find the key to unlock it.

So since the event of the dark clouds flooding through I have been away, writing this blog, creating my journal. I have slowly been building walls and decided when the event happened to remove myself from social media to the best of ability just keeping twitter and Instagram. Facebook has been limited accessed and this week I came back for short bursts, hiding parts of my Facebook and reducing access to people. For the simple reason is to protect myself from the comments and the conversations that could happen. Yes there is an obvious issue why be scared of “what if’s” but right now I have to think of myself and how I need to keep my distance with some people and some situations, with only a small group of people knowing what is really happening. As the rumour mill is currently active and you know I am many things and I accept some of them might not be positive and I have to accept that but I have many more positive attributes, I can only control so much and I can only be me. I choose to have a good heart, be kind and compassionate and to have manners. The same time I have had to find my own strength and be able to fight through the difficult moments. I will constantly have those moments were I feel low. I have faced that this week with bearscots currently happening. Also this past Wednesday would have been my 3 year anniversary with my ex. It was my first big date as normally I would have been at work or I would have had someone there. But this time I didn’t and it was really hard as I am emotional & sensitive guy who just wants to be happy. Sometimes you just have to accept being happy alone. Sometimes it has to happen where we have to say goodbye to the negative and embrace a future with new challenges.

My future hopes and dreams are just getting myself better, getting back to work and actually having fun, with a mixture of people and get to see different parts of the country and world.

To those that are in the process or just need someone, I am here and you are not alone as we are never alone. As we don’t walk through this life and the next alone we walk through with a purpose.

I am ONE & I have HOPE for a brighter future.

Invincible

Posted on October 2, 2015 by IAMONE

Growing up in London is an amazing place, where you get to feel and be a part of the buzz that is London. It has this electricity that anyone who goes to London will experience especially during major events like the Olympics. However it can also be one of the hardest places to live in. I grew up in the outskirts of London, in a place of greenery and as if it is a village in London.
When I was at school, it was around the same time there was a war on terror happening or the continued war on cancer. We would learn about wars and historical events. The events of 9/11 had a huge impact on the world. We hear about these battles against the world against people but in school I never heard about the battle on mental health.
I knew about mental health early as I have always had an interest in psychology and always had an interest in how mental health is affected by the multiple factors. Like cultural psychology, you see no one will share the same story, and here is a bit of mine.
As I have said above I grew up in London, I experienced a loss growing up as I lost both of my grandfather’s, my godfather and uncle, aunts and my grandmother. Who I spent a lot of time with growing up. With this I also experience isolation and was forgotten about by people like friends and more importantly my father. Growing up I got use to promised being made and being broken.
You see life for me was always getting used to being last picked, and basically forgotten about. You see entered a relationship that verged on emotional torment. I have mentioned this before and how my first love was amazing. But I also became the safety net and let my own net be ripped away from beneath me. With life we all have set backs and have to accept that sometimes people are just there not to help and protect but are just there to take what they want, especially when you have something it doesn’t have to be of value or a material object but instead it could be part of who you are, it could be your confidence, your strength, you innocence or it could just be a notch.
My last blog I called it proud as I have taken the steps to make myself proud. Right now I am using music as a big influence in my life and taking time to actually listen to what the meaning of my life is. One song I have recently listened too is by Kelly Clarkson “Let your tears Fall”.
This song reminds me of what is going on and also how we all make decisions for the right or wrong reason and then there are some people who will judge and then there are a small few that make life worth living and give the support and the guidance that those judge who don’t know the full story or the truth will never get to know the rest of the story as the judgement has taken over that future relationship and they have lost out on seeing who I am or ever getting to know the story.
I have learnt over the past month I have to let people in and trust the people that don’t judge but instead comfort me and are honest. There can only be one judge in life and that is up to each person to decide as it varies, for me the only judge in my life can be ME. As no one else can judge me any harder than I can judge myself and I only answer to myself not others. I will entertain so much but now I won’t entertain the rumours the jokes that turn into personal attacks. The wish that events hadn’t happened but then I would still be in the bubble and nowhere near I’m now.
For my past every door has to close at some point and my emotions of what has happened and how I miss people and the bond that was once there and looked indestructible has to close. A new door opens when you least expect it and the corridor you walk down you never know who will be there but someone will eventually appear. But also you get to close the door on the history and the war that was once, life.
Reason this is called invincible is because I won’t be going back to the place I was a month ago, nor will I let my health nor mental health be a minority and instead make it a priority. Nor will I have anyone dictate who I am or put others before my own needs. I won’t compromise my morals which are important to me and make me who I am.
I am still on the road to recovery and most probably will always be on this road as it has the ability to come back and remind me of what has happened and the truth is I need to be reminded that life is a constant battle we are fighting and that isn’t going to disappear instead become use to the battle and bring my own fight.
As I fight and make myself stronger every day leaving the judgement behind and make today a new day. Time is healing my ability to free my mind and also those broken bits that exist like my heart are slowly healing but each person I love has a piece of it, and my first love and my ex have a small piece of it as they were and are part of my story, but that sub chapter has closed as I need to begin my new sub chapters in chapter 29.
Today is a positive day and I am not naïve to think this is it I am recovered as I’m nowhere near ready to go back to being back to normality, and nor am I naïve to think that my emotions or anxiety won’t change suddenly as it can happen at any point. But more importantly I am aware my emotions are a major part of who I am and its ok to finally admit when I’m not ok, as I can’t be 100% all the time, no one can be. It is ok to cry, laugh, smile, be in whatever mood you want to be as long as you can be honest and accept it. I am learning this and once I have learnt it properly I will be INVINCIBLE.