Shine
When you are going through a rough time, the shining beacon of hope and light at the end of the tunnel is getting smaller and further away and every step you seem to take seems to be further from the light. The shining beacon that helps to tame the black dog from taking over and growing bigger.
Most people will go through a course of events that shape their lives to make them stronger and brighter type of person and take it in their stride. Some people lives are shaped but also become consumed by the darkness or the black dog keeping afloat but occasionally being caught in a wave. Others become consumed by the black dog and everything around them struggling to keep afloat in the rough tide. Others will slowly sink as if they have an anchor attached to them and struggle to reach out for help as the light is no longer visible.
Those that have been consumed by the darkness either by it shaping their lives or never seeing the end of the tunnel anymore as if the tunnel is part of the London underground tube map with turns and very brief moments of light. Which has sprung a leak under the river Thames and the air is being replaced with water and you are being consumed by the water and shining beacon is further away and is no bigger than a pinhead now being taken over by the darkness.
Sometimes this can be a nightmare or an actual event that happens when you finally are reaching the end of your own tether and struggling to find the power to carry on and find the hope and willpower to put the black dog to bed and encourage the dog to change to become a puppy again to stay in the dog basket. The world is still spinning and sometimes we are just a number from our employment with employee numbers or NHS number we are no longer a person of the name instead of a number of being 1 of 7.5 billion people! When you are standing behind the black dog that is bigger then you and no one can see you instead they see the impression of you which is you playing the game of impersonating who you were yesterday the day you didn’t feel the world was against you and they wouldn’t notice if you disappeared. You go through the motions for a period and finally something has pushed you too far and you can’t see any other escape until you are no longer seen or a number, you finally decide that the world would be better off without you… The final decisions and being consumed by the darkness and listening to the voice of darkness that is now in full control, you listen and block out the voice of reason you become reckless and forget what and who you once were.
Whilst you are going through the motions and you are becoming more reckless it keeps escalating to how reckless you are you are also putting yourself and others in danger when you start to listen to people who don’t have your best intentions to heart you start to believe what they are saying. This could be from not being worthy, not being wanted, sexualizing the situation and making you feel paranoid, too many other ways they could harm you and encourage this reckless approach to life.
You’re going through this and finally, something really breaks, and you can’t see the colours in the world it is all becoming dull and more grey and black. You start to consider committing an act that is illegal but also it has the ability to destroy everything and hurt more than just you. The darkness will destroy everyone around you and the actions of the darkness will make you a shining star above.
Now, this blog isn’t promoting listening to the darkness nor would I ever want anyone I know to feel there is no escape and no one would notice if they weren’t around. You see this blog has been a blog in the writing for the past 3 years as I have never been able to fully explain that night when the darkness leads me to contemplate following the black dog.
Very few people know this, but it wasn’t the first time I considered stopping the pain and being used as an object of hurt as if my emotions were a weapon against myself. I experienced it when I was 24 years old, you see I was living an unhappy life in London, my dad was paralysed and work at the time was destructive. My friends at the time who I lived near organized a night out between 6 of them and of course there was an odd number I didn’t know about them going out, so I was walking home from work going past one of my friends places and I walked into them all dressed up laughing smiling and happy. Then they saw me, and the humour and happiness were sucked out of the air instead it becomes silence as if I was an embarrassment to be no one could say anything other then “oh fancy seeing you here” … (this was my hometown and I had lived there all my life, so I don’t know why still to the date why it was a surprise.) “we are going out…” was as if someone had stabbed me in the heart with a cold ice pick. I was about to change stores going from the store I learnt my trade to the flagship store making a drastic change with a change of pace. I felt awful and embarrassed and ashamed by what had happened. I went into my final day in the store with some of the most amazing people I have worked with, basically trying to enjoy my final day around people that appear to like me. Throughout the day the group of people I classed as friends were messaging me and apologizing and giving excused for why they felt it was acceptable for their behaviour. The part of me was hurt but I accepted they had only 6 tickets and there were 7 people, also I had work the next day so wouldn’t have been able to attend. I was hurt by the way they acted and when I finally responded after a fair few hours of crying and trying to find a way out of this mess. The simple effect of being embarrassed and ashamed to be around me whilst I was dealing with my dad’s situation which they were all aware of, as Dad wanted to end his own life and go to Switzerland to the Euthanasia hospital to take the control in the situation. It taught me a lot from those 2 days not to open about how I was feeling as people don’t care, but also “friends” aren’t always friends instead they are there to do lip service and pretend. This might appear that they had the best intentions which they might have done but they didn’t as well. If they said, “oh yeah, we could get only 6 tickets and if its ok x y z is going to come along and bring their girlfriends, we can do something next time…” I would have been fine as I said I had work. So, this clouded my final day at my store and I was sad and did cry quite a bit as I felt alone.
I didn’t want to disturb people with what was going on in my mind as I didn’t really know either other than it as getting too much for me to handle. I did try to get help a year or so before but that ended up being unsuccessful as I was unsupported beyond the 35-minute counselling session for my dad but not for me.
Fast forward to 2014 I moved up to Manchester, changed my career, found a new home I was going through a lot of change. I had lost my dad 2 years prior to moving, and there was a lot of changes in my life from my friendship circle to my life. I was with my ex at the time but was being let down constantly by him and his best friend kept influencing our relationship even when I had tried to make the effort with him. So, with all the changes I started to spiral and started to feel I was losing myself as I was missing my family and my friends who I am still friends with today. I was trying to find my feet and I had been let down yet again by my ex so was home alone and struggling to find my feet and escape the flat, until I was meant to meet up with a friend and their friends, I forced myself to get out and finally see the outside I had been speaking with my ex as I accepted it and tolerated it. Well, it took me longer to get out of the house and finally got into town stopped to get cash out and had messaged my friend who moved kept moving on from location to location and I wasn’t sure where the place was, as I had only been living in Manchester 5 weeks. I froze to the spot and was struggling to control my breathing and panicking. I called my ex and told him I was panicking and unable to move so we spoke for 20 minutes and finally I manages to try find what I was looking for, which I failed to find but then walked in my friend sat in a café they didn’t see me but was messaging me throughout and I told him I was panicking and I could see him he didn’t notice me walking past so I told him to get off his phone and enjoy their friends. I got home with a shed load of sugary doughnuts and basically, I didn’t eat any of them I didn’t eat for a few days thinking back to it was in bed. I felt very alone, and the black puppy was not growing bigger, I struggled with everything and everyone around me as my housemates I was living with at the time were all over there house guest and allowing him to treat me like an unwanted guest and being very unwelcome as they weren’t thinking with there brain more of part of there anatomy like most men (few exceptions) think with. As I was a housemate instead of seeing me as a human being and someone who needed support or a friend I wasn’t wanted, and I was “cockblocking” as their friend was there. I spent 5 hours in their company trying to help and try with their friend but spoke for about 5 minutes in total. Their friend wasn’t interested and made fun of me for asking basic questions about their travels and what they did. I went home a few days later and saw my aunt and was back in London and saw my old store and the assistant manager who was basically trying to make me feel ashamed of my work I did at my store before I left. That was interesting as she had begged me for a job to come back and then was jealous that I had been more successful with what I had achieved. I couldn’t speak to my friends, so I had to send them a message to explain how it had made me feel like I was on my own and unwanted to be around. They knew how it had affected me and brought back the emotions of the previous experience not being around, they forgot basic manners and from there action the impact it has on people.
Fast forward a few months, into the new year I was newly single and tried to find the best path for me without rebounding into oblivion. Sadly, oblivion did happen, and I became emotionally attached to someone. Same time as I was trying to find my feet I hadn’t been single for over 2.5 years, whilst settling into a new job. The emotions engulfed me when they cancelled plans with me for another person. I was home alone again and was spiraling and the black puppy was not a full great Dane which would be sitting on my shoulders, I spent majority of the days in bed not able to approach anyone as how you tell someone you are spiraling beyond control, this was until it completely engulfed me and made me react and struggle to see any hope. I considered there and then was there any point and maybe it would be better if I wasn’t here. My housemates got home, and we were talking and there was a lot of talking, I reached out to the works Employee Assistance Program for support with counselling to finally approach the subject and tackle this beast. I had my reservations about approaching a Psychologist, but I had to attempt to tackle this in some way, which this helped for a while.
A few months later I had asked for less travel with work and was finishing counselling with our EAP provider to another provider for CBT treatment as well as tackling this beast. The emotions were still growing and becoming difficult for me to contemplate what was going on. Some people got involved and started to manipulate the situation where it was always in their favour, where I was pushed to the side and dumped in the gutter. The guy didn’t see it, but he was being manipulated and whenever something was planned to involve me it would be changed for their gain and I was no longer needed around. To incentive posts on social media, to conversations being insensitive around my personal circumstance with my dad’s accident and depression. I was also in the process of finding my new home where I still am.
Then the night where the world really did change, Saturday 30th August I was on edge all day and felt like I was a gooseberry around 5 other people. We started off with food and drinks I was trying to be controlled with my drinking and the night started to change and became destructive for me as the conversation and situation was becoming toxic. To the point I said to one of my friends I had to get some air I couldn’t drive and go home like I wanted to as I had been drinking so I went for a walk having a panic attack, seeing cars going past seeing the lights flickering past and at midnight I couldn’t control my breath or find the best way out of this situation. I got to the bottom of the street and finally found the power to speak and say help. I called my friends and messaged them both with the one word “HELP” it was my only attempt I could ask for help from someone. They both called me, and I couldn’t say fully what was going on or even understand what was going on in my head. It was all going into freefall. I could finally breathe in calmly enough to get back in. The night carried on escalating and the black dog appeared and it was no longer a great Dane it was the size of the house and every brick was falling in on me, every door was closing and there was no way for me to escape the constant assault from this beast.
The following morning when the dust was settling, and I was coming around I had tried to calm the voice and sweep away the bricks that were still falling. Suddenly it was a situation in which I felt uncomfortable with and went for a walk, but the walk was going to be the final walk I take.
I had left the house and had only my phone on me, as I walked the voice in my head was getting muted, by another voice, my mums the darker voice was becoming silent and my mums voice was getting louder and clearer I was looking at a picture on my phone and saw my mum and dad, then my aunt. I was walking and crying until I finally stopped by a set of shops and stood by the side of the shop and again I found the power to ask for help and sent a text, they had been messaging me since I left the house and finally I had to break the voice and ask, and I did. I asked them for help and they sent one of my closest people I have in my life now. They found me, and we walked holding hands they were holding me hugging me as we walked to a quiet stream. I cried a lot and they sat there listening and hugging me and talking when they needed to. It was a while until we went back as we did I spoke to a few people and one of my friends slapped me and hugged me as they knew I was ready to end it all.
I went to my friend’s place in Derby we didn’t talk about the situation, but he knew as I had spoken to them the night before when I needed help. They looked after me and nurtured me when I needed support and offered me a place to stay.
The hardest part for me was to tell people I nearly succumbed to the darkness and let it take over my life, telling my mum was awful we spoke for hours an hour both in tears. I then had to tell work that I wouldn’t be back for the foreseeable and they were amazing they let me take the time I needed and there as no rush to come back. I started “I Am One” started to get additional support with my illness with starting medication and tackling the problem in my head and started to stop hurting myself but others as well. I was in treatment with CBT and was never home instead I was around people most of the time in Derby, York & Norfolk. I slowly started to find myself and the voice had become silent. I found ways to cope with work, my life with wider counselling and medication. It was a lot to work through and I finally found a way to silence the voice in my mind.
Last year I had a moment where I had a relapse and was having people messing with my emotions and using my friendship as a weapon against me. They copied my mannerism and symptoms to be used in a way for themselves to gain the upper hand and get sympathy. Also, my sexual desires with someone I have liked for a while and basically using it as an ultimatum which started a very nasty spiral. I took some more time off work and spent time with my mum and started to find ways of coping without them in my life and trying to find the best way to live my life. I stepped away from them and they created an argument with me to the point where they removed themselves from my life which saved me a lot of time. I started to follow through with my coping strategies like mindfulness and the blog came back after a gap.
You see we all have many battles and there are many roads we must walk, and the path will be covered by a tunnel. Sometimes the lights in the tunnel will work and then there is always that one light that flickers and then stops working so that part of the tunnel is no longer clear of where to turn when you reach the fork in the road. Being unsure which is the correct path until you are walking it. We must find the path and when we are struggling to ask for help and get the support from friends, family, loved ones or professionals. I said earlier I learnt not to rely on friends and as you can see me in this blog alone I didn’t really learn this properly instead it was something I learnt about that group of people. We are human beings and can make mistakes, but some mistakes can be costly and its not just for the person who is suffering it will also be the wider world, your family, your friends the people that care about you can be suffering from when you lash out and they need the support that you want back.
If you need help and are having suicide ideation or just need support, there are the Samaritans.
Samaritans-
telephone-116 123.
We’re here round the clock, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. If you need a response immediately, it’s best to call us on the phone. This number is FREE to call. You don’t have to be suicidal to call us.
NHS
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/suicide/
Their is also SANE a crisis helpline
SANEline – http://www.sane.org.uk/
0300 304 7000
4.30pm – 10.30pm daily
This isn’t the original blog I had planned to write but this is a subject I have been wanting to write about as it has always been a heavy scar that just seems to never heal. To anyone who is suffering make sure you reach out and don’t listen to the darkness you deserve to live, and you deserve to SHINE!
To everyone who has read any of the blogs and has been part of this journey and kept the light switch on for me during my journey to recovery THANK YOU. You have been the saviour of my life and sometimes I forget to say thank you and show my full appreciation to you. You have been the SHINING Beacon I have needed.
I have and will always be a surviv(;)r.
I am ONE!
Sometime you have find the X laying in the sand to say it’s enough, I have finally found what I am looking for but also I have found what I am not looking for. At times that can be the hardest thing to say that it’s over. When you have hit your cross roads. That cross roads when you’re dealing with mental health can appear more than once as you could quite easily see what one door closing and another unknown.
Life is a crossroads, and many moments through the day it could quite simple be a decision that could cost and have an impact not just on your life but on others as well. When that happens it can sometimes be more extreme and difficult to manage and accept you have done something that has cost someone in some way. We all have an opportunity to make decisions and it’s a choice if you own the choice and be big enough for what has happened and say that is way it was and only try to make the right decision in the future. You can’t always be right even when those that pretend they are there not. As really deep down they are the most scared of being found to be making the wrong decision and wrong impression.
or an Ex in life happens we all suffer from having an ex in our lives it doesn’t have to be a relationship but it could be an ex friend, ex neighbour. They all mean something in some way, the ex of a relationship or friendship sometimes hurt and can be extremely difficult to recover from. As they have at one point been the center of your universe and now they aren’t instead they are on the outside of a very mysterious bubble that has taken over your life in some way and they and you are looking in from the outside on each-others bubble. This will hurt and be costly to you when you are recovering from what they once meant and the feeling off joy and happiness changes to anger, vengeance, hatred to some degree and many other emotions. They will always mean something to you especially at one stage in your life they were your life. They were there through your time of growth and enjoyment. Sadly, that door can close on the relationship at any time. It sometimes has a way of leaving the door on the latch and opening back up slowly. Same with a scar, it can reopen and you will re awaken part of the past either the good or the bad. It is about moving beyond the memory especially if it wasn’t a great one to something different and very much away from why they are an ex.
When you have depression and you go to cognitive behavioral therapy you learn about the types of thinking including the way a simple thought could be catastrophize to a massive problem and this can be so big the only escape could feel like the darkness. The way the colour within the world becomes very black and white with thinking and generalization becomes a big part of the dealing with a mental health illness. It will continue to multiply and grow and get bigger than it really is. Ed Sheeran has an album called “X” which I always thought was just the letter but it turns out to be multiply which is odd in way as do you really want to multiply everything and not just success but would you want to multiply the failures and the bad moments within your life or what feels like a failure. The one thing is negative thoughts aren’t exclusive to those with a mental health issue they are all inclusive we all have the ability to think negatively and see the world in two colours and sometimes miss that section in the middle of grey. Which can be as simple as a simple comment that you never really thought about how you said it but has just planted the seed of doubt or multiplying over the reality bad or good events happen to all of us, it’s just the way we handle and deal with the event makes them what they are.
When you have an illness no matter how big it seems to multiple and get bigger and bigger even when you have got treatment and try to get yourself better. There is always the possibility of relapse or it coming back and becoming bigger and much worst then before. Those who suffer from cancer a go into remission have to go back regularly for testing and could go 12 years’ cancer free and it comes back more evolved more developed more vicious than ever and it will take every single bit of the person’s energy to fight it off and defeat it. Not all cancers have a cure and some cancers don’t have to be a lump or a mass of cells rebelling against the body immunity. It could be a simple illness that is slowly killing off cells and who you once were or who you are going to become. It is an illness with no cure that has many treatments and therapies but it has a way of multiplying to such magnitude the battle sometimes can be lost even slightly.
When you have a repetitive event in your life it becomes part of the way you think and how much you can dread or enjoy an event. With most people they have a birthday that they will either celebrate or not depending on culture, and that day the day you were born is meant to be about you. As before that day however many years old you are you didn’t exist. Now you do it and in most counts you have helped improve someone’s life even slightly, it could just be family people’s life you have improved.
Well I have a birthday coming up in a number of days and it’s a milestone in my life, I will be 30 years old. Or as I like to call it chapter 30. For a number of years since I was 18 I have organized my birthday and in a way every year at my birthday it hasn’t been about me, it has been about someone else or those that get invited cancel, sometimes for valid reasons and some are questionable. For a number of years, I was with someone who is now my ex, he never organized anything for my birthday or even remembered to get me a birthday card. Something very simple that could mean a lot. I never got that, so have always had to be organized to sort something. My birthday has always been difficult as its middle of January and no many people can afford to come out mid-month as it’s that time of the year that is affected the most by Christmas. I usually try to organize something for the end of the month but for the past few years since I lost my dad I haven’t really celebrated as his birthday is also his anniversary but is a few days after my birthday. So for me a birthday night out could be something quite special as it takes my mind of what has happened and the fact I was always the forgotten kid growing up. Friends would forget and to be fair still happens when it comes to something that is about me. It’s all forgotten about, those moments your meant to feel important and special and for a number of years I have only been important to sign a cheque or for people to complain too due to bad customer service when I worked within retail. My one day I hope to be special doesn’t really happen anymore my family try and they help take my mind of life on my birthday but then there is the rest of the world. People know it’s my birthday by Facebook so I get people wishing me a happy birthday but do they know me really. No usually they say the usual but that’s it, and it can be lip service.
My life has been filled with no hopers or ex people within life that has had an impact. Part of me hard to rely or trust people as the way I have had to grow up much faster than some be mature not actually be my age, I have had to be older than most, and take on big challenges just to prove myself not usually to myself but to others. To make my mark on someone life not for being me, but to prove them wrong. Losing piece and part of my sanity and my identity well and truly being lost.
The X me is the typical well-mannered young man, believing in manners and knowing right from wrong even when I am ill. I still know what the difference is and now I see every decision magnified as it the past it has cost me and no it costs me so much more. As I am more aware some people can handle illness like this and also you do eventually get to a point where there are no more opportunities left. For me I am one of those people that never believe in myself or believe I am doing something right or if something goes wrong I blame myself. Even when I get a compliment about something I don’t believe they mean it or it’s because someone has told them to compliment me. Not just about work or general stuff in life if someone says I am handsome or compliments me I take it with the biggest pinch of salt ever.
This week I achieved something when I went for my cbt session at the doctors I have a check up on my recovery with a wellbeing self-assessment. My previous scores have been 10/7 to 4/7 to this weeks 3/3. The scores look at anxiety and mood, and the target for recovery is 7 or less. Which was my first achievement this week. To finally going back to where my depression went to the severity that I saw the darkness. Going into the house and being in the room which I hadn’t been in since August 30th. With this meant I had to go near my friend who I have been resistant from seeing since everything due to the manipulator as he cost me a lot. And he still is, as I saw a picture which woke up every emotion I went through that night where I isolated myself but was also isolated by others which I then started to considered every option and seeing only the darkness. Seeing that picture opened the wounds that saw the world smiling while at that same time I was being destroyed within my own body my own soul was fighting against what was going on within my own head my thoughts were ruling what was going to be the day. Where I was too scare to go near people or to be at home or to be anywhere near certain memory points. The re awakening and reminding that my life in September was simply explosive having to face the demons and the choices and avoiding find X on that treasure map where you really don’t want to find the treasure on that map instead you want it to be buried deep and far away from the world, so no one can find it and exploit the turmoil you suffered by your own hands but also by the hands of others. For my 30th I am going to try to celebrate and embrace my birthday with or without people around as it’s my time to be important and feel special and if others can’t I will do it myself as I stand on my own 2 feet. As I don’t live in anyone shadow. Some will say its only a picture and I am empowering the memory and the other factors within the memory, but it’s a constant reminder of what has happened. It’s a scar that isn’t visible to the world just to me.
Isn’t it funny how the world can turn and change and karma can come back and bite people on the backside. The world is a place where judgement is no longer rare instead it is regular and constant more constant then your closest friend. We are all guilty of judging before getting to know the truth, sometimes people will admit they are judgmental and will make a conscious attempt to change.
The world is filled with people waiting to put in their 2 pence worth. They have the ability to take the wind out of your sails and make it difficult to recover briefly for the moment you are in. the worst part can be when you are judged against who you are because of an event that has changed the course of life for someone. Should anyone really get the right to judge or manipulate the situation to benefit their own needs forgetting the cost?
For me I have been judged, labelled, cast to one side, manipulated and treated like I am the worst excuse for a human being over the years. Yet those that cast the stones forget who they are and how much of a shadow they have created upon society and reality. They have become absorbed by their own importance and they forget what is true and what is make believe. I took a break between blogging to get some perspective and see how I was getting on with returning to my own reality. I have rebuilt so much of my life in such a short space and have challenged not others but myself more and more with my commitment to fight. I am resilient to say the least. Those that have been affected with what happened on the 30th August have new places within my life, those who hurt and damaged my sanity and my clarity within reality are removed, and those that I was once close to are slowly getting back into my life but not in the same way instead it is never going to be as close as we were. For the simple reason I can’t be hurt, and nor should I. Everyone’s true colour will come out and those that have damaged the realms of reality will be seen for who they really are. Sadly, every decision we make will leave a mark on life and people will talk. I know my decisions will come back and the only difference is I don’t shy away from them, compared to others.
I admit I am a survivor of attempted suicide! I am proud to say a SURVIVOR, and while peoples true colour will be revealed I have to take the decision and step away, as I can’t be there to actively support people who have hurt me at the same time, because they believe what someone else can twist the world I exist in. Also for them they have to heal and find their resolve to what has happened and the difficult decision is always going be why they didn’t see it and next steps.
For me I have overcome a massive obstacle and that is walking into the manipulator, and I managed to keep my focus and carry on with my day and actually had one of the most successful days I have ever had since moving to Manchester. I have two more obstacles that I am still battling, part of me doesn’t want to tackle them as it could set me back. The other is to fully cut the manipulator fully out of my life and block out what he is and what he has that I have had to lose so I can find myself slightly.
Also the other part of me has challenged my inexperience’s and exploring the world, even if its meetings people and spending time with people I haven’t experienced before. Enjoying those moments and not panicking as much.
Have you ever opened an album, and looked at those moments captured in time? Do you look at those memories, and remember the way you were feelings or what was going on at the time.
Some people just don’t have the confidence to have their picture taken. A variety of reasons can be as simple as low confidence or lack of self-esteem, others could just not like having their pictures being taken. Some people will have the confidence to go out and have their pictures taken. They are all involved in the movement that has got bigger and bigger over the years, the “Selfie”. This movement has taken over the world with social media and mobile technology becoming a big factor in the way capturing a moment. This hasn’t only changed the way photos are taken but vlogger and video art is becoming more common within society YouTube has taken over the video streams, it’s how some of today’s “celebrities” became celebrities.
The photos can bring back memories of the past and how you were feeling back then. I look back at my most recent photo at the biggest event of the year I would attend Manchester Pride the image I portrayed to those I was with are people I am close too, they knew there was something wrong, as I was a lot more on edge than normal, I wasn’t as fun loving as I would be at any other pride. Then I wasn’t facing a battle against the silent killer like I was at pride this year. Reeling from everything that has happened from being the forgotten about, left to never know why I wasn’t good enough for people to spend time with. Becoming more aware of how much distance I was getting.
With those photographs they capture the moment, and those words that you dread to say as you admit what is on your mind. It could be the 3 simple words or the 3 most complicated words you will ever want to say, but then its captured on a camera. The digital age gives people an opportunity to look back into the eyes of them. You can see what is within if they are happy, sad, scared etc. that picture no longer having to be kept on digital or film, but within your own camera’s they are capture the moments.
2015, has brought hardship, heartache and the moments I have captured make me smile in places and cry in others. My first kiss, my first home, my birthday, random nights out with friends, spending time with my family. All bring smiles to my face then suddenly the sad moments appear sometimes they appear out of nowhere and then they appear just when I think about the past, sometimes this can be when others mention what they have achieved and then I compare. We all do this comparison and try to compare what we have and yet we have this ability to be our own worst enemy. We are never satisfied with what we actually have, and we always want to have bigger and greater things and try to have memories that you haven’t had and they just don’t live up to the pictures you have seen.
My photos aren’t about me, they are about different events. I have always hated having my picture being taken, I will do the odd selfie when I feel confident about myself but when I feel low or as my depression rears its head it stops the growth in my recovery and brings the memories back, those memories I try to block out from someone the emotional connection, those memories come back. But they can come back and I wouldn’t change the memories I have created as each one means something. Manchester has brought something I never had in London, it has found me. I can’t change the past nor will I get anything from regrets. I will have a few regrets that I have let my emotions get the better of me. Then I might not be here recovering instead I could still be going on the path to destruction.
When my heart was broken it has taken me months to recover, and begin this journey and actually take notice of the problem, the pretence that I was ok was on the outside but inside my heart was broken and a piece of me is always going to be lost formally owned by another. A piece not too big, just a small piece that will never heal.
have lost a few pieces of my heart that I will never get back. Each moment I wake up and think back to what 2015 has been and has brought the dark unhappy thoughts are getting further & further away. Pieces of me have to leave the memories back there. I have so much to be thankful for and for people that have started to flood my heart. I have always been a family focused guy, and I do step away from people, this can be for a variety of reasons. To some people I wish I saw more and more.
Now I am three month on I have gone back to normality as much as I can. With I am now back to work fully. They have been really supportive, a few people know what has happened and I managed to tell someone what nearly happened. While others know I have been off for depression they check how I am doing but they don’t chase me for information instead they allow me to decide what I divulge, just general conversation about what is happening and how I feel. Being on the other side of the path not looking at the darkness at the moment, which could be a simple approach of the medication but also how I can talk to people easily now compared to before where my big fear earlier this year would be to talk or even go into a new situation with the unknown. I have met and started talking to so many new people over the past two months alone, trying to find a piece of me that has been lost for quite a few years, and in some cases it is coming back slowly and it is definitely feeling like the person I was in 2013. This weekend I have met my best friends new other half, even while I am dealing with a cold that is taking full control of my chest now.
We are as a whole all trying to recover from events great or small. It doesn’t matter how we get to the final goal as long as you reach it. From the 30th August the situation I have had to take a step back and create distance and remain far away from some people. Which was and is still the hardest decision I have had to make for a long time. I have had to start fresh, and make the call to begin over. This has been time for me to heal and to re-evaluate what is important and who is important. I have looked at my phone hundreds of times and looked back at the messages & pictures, I can see how the illness took over and started to destroy that relationship. Admitting I have had some influential people during the time affecting my mood. From the outside of the illness and the moment the illness is no longer dictating what I will achieve, nor will I let others influence my life that don’t deserve my friendship or time.
Sometimes people turn to social media as a way to vent and they lose the filter that stops them from going off in one extreme to another where the control is lost. When people are in social situations, where it’s one on one, the situation can go a variety of ways from being quite calm to a volatile, situation. But what would you do if you witness a situation, would you Stand up and defend or would you sit back?
The world is currently watching every movement and motion around Paris. From the bombings to the lights in Paris on the Eiffel tower being turned off. While the world turned there lights on in support. For the first time in a number of years we stood together and supported each other. Social media joined the movement with Facebook helping us support the fallen from this devastation and those who are loving through it. A few days before we marked Armistice Day with a 2 minute silence around the UK. The moment the world war last shots were fired and the war was over. Now we have witnessed the moment the world stood still again. 10 years after the war on London. 14 years since the beginning of the war on terror begun. There have been a number of events over the world all the time. But this hasn’t been mentioned as much these major events. The world is standing up against terrorism. It isn’t about religion it is about extremist views and willing to destroy the world we know of today.
For #IamONE, those that I have written about are aware of what is said. I don’t sit behind a blog I am very much open to opinions and to be judged by my writing but also in life. I know what I stand for and who I am now. But also recent events brings attention to the battles and sometime the places to air dirty laundry isn’t on any form of media but instead it is best to be the bigger man/woman and take the step back. Our own opinions can make a judgement but does the world need to know how we think? The irony of that is of course me writing about it via Word Press. Sometimes we just need to leave the past where it belongs. Not in today’s realm nor in tomorrows it belongs back when it happened.
With battles like this against the unknown it takes a lot of fight and strength to get through the next hour. Sometime you need to know you have someone there standing next you to help get through with the difficulties, this could involve just being the end of the phone, being physically there. Standing up for what is right and wrong, are the basics we all learn from being a child. Sometimes what might feel right could be completely wrong especially for the health & wellbeing. Stand up for your own wellbeing and sometimes you can’t have someone to stand with you when you say “Enough is enough.” Once we reach this level of standing up, it will hurt and the pain will be like no other. Until you have made that cut and decided what the future will hold.
We as people all have the empathy to a level that we are comfortable, this is where we are facing the decision to Stand up and be heard. But then some choose to stay sitting. If you go on YouTube and look at some of the incidences when someone turns on another that have been recorded by the general public. Some of people will support the person under attack, but then there are still some who will avoid getting involved.
For me I will always stand for what I believe in and I will hold my hands up when I am wrong. I will stand with those that cannot stand anymore with their fight against mental health.
I am ONE 