The biggest battle anyone can have is finally accepting who they are and what is happening. If you look back over time you will notice within the political landscape the political parties with the way the war of terrorism we went into a war with misleading information that turned out to be incorrect. They had to and are currently having to admit wrong doing. How about when you finally admit who you are? When I was 19 I can’t say I came out per say, not fully, I told a small number of people, and well my mum found “Attitude” in a cupboard. I believe shock is the best way to describe my mum’s reaction as I didn’t tell her she found out on her own. But was fine with me being gay. My father was a different story, 1st January 2006 am (I remember this time very well from the phone call) my mum called me while I was at my friend’s house for New Year. She told me my dad had been told I was gay by his brother, and my dad was extremely angry the 2 reasons behind that was;
- I hadn’t told him his useless brother told him.
- He was drunk!
I was on my friends balcony and talking to my dad and mum, well my dad kicked me out, but my mum told him he would be out instead of me as she won’t see me homeless. During this argument/discussion of my outing I was in a breaking down in tears and well some Neanderthals decided it was wise the light a firework and throw it at the shop below where I was standing. I managed to run out the way before it went off but if I didn’t see it happening I would have been seriously injured. I had to hang up on my dad who called me straight back to carry on with the call while Jo & Amy came and check what was going on as they were worried about me and the huge bang. I finished the call with my dad and to my knowledge I was then homeless and could return to a very difficult situation. For 2 hours Jo & Amy just sat with me holding me while my mum was talking to my dad at home. Morning came I didn’t sleep that much but my dad had sobered up and he had calmed down. My mum texted me to let me know he was ok and he wanted me to come home. I eventually left Jo’s home at 5.30 pm and went home for dinner and was staying at my aunts for a few days of cat sitting. But I had to go home and get my bag for a change of clothes as I had New Year’s off from work. As I worked Christmas. When I went home which I was extremely apprehensive about doing. My dad got up and came straight up to me and gave me a big hug and apologised for his actions from the night before. Our relationship changed and we were closer but also my dad accepted I was still the same person I was 2 days before except I was no longer hiding behind an facade. For me I wasn’t honest with others but also I was still accepting I was different.
To current events where I was so low I contemplated the darkness if I am really being honest the writing was on the wall a long time ago with some people and I can’t blame others for what happened. Even with the influences it was my actions that lead to the darkness and I have to move beyond regret which I have a fair few this year. But I don’t regret spending time with some people and getting close to them. I regret that I let myself get to the point of darkness as a forgetting what is important. That is my health, my physical and mental health. I wasn’t honest with myself for 8 months and now I am being quite brutal with my honesty and I also have accepted others were a factor but it was my own actions led to me seeing the darkness.
Honesty works in a number ways where you have to be honest with yourself but also with others around you so they know what is going on as no one knows what is going on in your thoughts, this is where you have to communicate and accept you can’t please everyone with your opinions or actions as it would be impossible to be that person. Which I always try to please the world and apologise beyond what I need to do, as I try to people please and be liked by everyone, and nor should I expect everyone to like me. I don’t like the world and it’s time to just breathe and enjoy the people I want to spend time with.
Someone said to me at pride;
“I get to choose, and I can decide who I don’t want spend time with.”
Anyone dealing with issues have the biggest hurdle and admitting they have a problems this isn’t just for mental health but in life. Admitting you have a problem and you need help is a huge step and accepting life isn’t perfect and removing those rose tinted specs will be the best case in a long run.
This week I have gone back to work and completed 3 days back in the same building as the person I have avoided for 6 weeks and don’t want to see or speak to or ever be associated with as we aren’t friends, I
can’t be dealing with the self-indulgence he brings with him nor can I be dealing with feeling the way I did 6 weeks ago. I will wish him well for the future but not for our lives and nor will I wish to entertain or encourage him into my life. With being back at work I have to challenge myself everyday of dealing with the question, “where have you been?” and taking over the work I was doing before I went off. But I have to get beyond this and just forget about it as its not going to change. I took a leave of absence to recover, move beyond the darkness and find who I am, which is still on going. And to leave the past where it belongs in the past along with feelings of not being reciprocated.
A future is going to be brighter and happier & will make myself a priority.
I am One & I am HONEST I am and will get better.