Fallen

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened. – Dr Seuss”

Every day I wake up and say “today will be a good day” and get out of bed hoping it will be a good day. Well since fighting this disease I have had more good days then bad, but when a bad day hits it truly is a bad day. Trying not to let the trigger affect the rest of the day and leave it behind, but sadly it sometimes is too much to fight beyond.

Falling into the darker shades of the grey and not seeing the colour the world has to offer instead its dark. With it being dark you become more unclear and more doubt you have about yourself while you are dealing with everything else that is the so called “norm” with everyday life. Sometimes life has to take a stand still and you have to accept the breaks. For me I identified where and what was happening and had to accept that the path I was taking was destroying not only my life but others the people who would stand with me.

Sometimes though you find what has happened is damaging your own wellbeing and any hope of a friendship with people can be damaged beyond repair and the doubt it can be rescued. No matter how much you care for people they sometimes have to leave your life, just to heal. This can be the same with life and other factors this can be applied.

Life can throw many shots and many causes can make you ill not just physical illness but also mental illness. The issues that really influence begin to bury themselves deep inside and burl their way into hiding when you least expect it will come up and take over like a wave in a storm. That one wave can destroy every part of you and who you have been working on and trying to protect those that matter but at the same time you cant. As whatever you do, just to protect those that count, it just gets messier even when they do everything to help. It just doesn’t feel like they are helping instead it feels as if you have someone being malicious and not really seeing your side.

Today brings the present and tomorrow is the future and sometimes through the passing hours and days you need someone to hold your hand and help you get through the difficult stages. No one can be there all the time, but sometimes you need the space to breath and so do the other person.

Karma has a way of going around, for those that put out good things to the world apparently goods things will happen back to you in later life. The same can happen if you put bad things out there. If you don’t know what you’re putting out there and hiding away and keeping the world out of your life and you’re not involved in. No matter how much you try to keep yourself away from people and what is going on, people will always see and know. They might not say or check on you the same way you might expect. This can then cause resentment, as you think those who would be there aren’t there. Instead they are outside of the box looking in on the situation.

Every day I hope that I won’t fall and I don’t look at the fact I will fall I just hope today will be a good day, and I will be confident enough and happy enough in my own skin to get through the day. Hope is the big word and pray of survival. From every panic attack and every wave of emotional distress and destruction that hits. The world is no longer round or bright, instead the world has been flatten and every ounce of colour has been drained out. Looking outside the window and instead of seeing the green grass or the winter flowers blooming they are grey like the clouds even when it doesn’t rain it is raining inside your head.

No matter how much mending and fixing sometimes so relationships, objects and lives can’t be repaired. They just run their course and that’s heart breaking and soul destroying and sometimes it takes more courage to make that decision.

Those that hurt us make us stronger. If we are the one that hurts ourselves you are destroying any hope of finding who you are.

For my life I have and will feel sorry for what has happened this year to a group of people. No words or anything I can do can repair the damage I have caused and I will always hope that I will be forgiven and the relationship we once had can be salvaged.

If not least I have some happy memories of everything and I have seen some amazing things. Today has been a day where I have fallen and let my past come back and haunt my mind. Which is part of my story which I have to add to the shelf.

I am ONE, I am falling but tomorrow I will be flying!

This isn’t just I am ONE. This is my hope for forgiveness.

Ax

For this blog I ask no one to comment below instead to message or tweet me directly.  Thanks Alex.

 

 

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