Life has a multitude of seasons through our own development, birth, childhood, teenager years, adult hood & death. We go through all these seasons’ different chapters or stages to find who we are what we want to become. It’s a bit like the year it goes through the seasons of change, and life has that possibility of changing every single day in a variety of ways.
When you begin the spiral of destruction to the darkness you have the voices talking and telling you how unwanted you are or how you aren’t good enough. Some people will be there and they say they will stand by you to give you the strength to help you back up the spiral, and some of them will never know how it feels until it happens to them or someone even closer to them.
For someone who is “Surviving” I have felt my world implode on fire and parts of me damaged beyond repair, losing friends and my character is lost and is never going to return. Part of the world that held onto your hope is lost and becomes smaller and is lost for a time being especially once you have imploded. All hope is lost for a long time and you haven’t followed the darkness but you have become isolated away from the world no one sees behind the closed doors.
Within the six weeks of the implosion I have had to rebuild parts of my world. Taking time away from anything or anyone that could be a stress from me. I have left people alone and only turning to a few people. I have spent time with friends and family. Exploring different social situations, going out every single day to just get myself use to life beyond four walls and possibility of bumping into people I know. Continuing with therapy of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, Regular check-ups with my GP. From going to the GP I have challenged a fear of going into the office where I was and I still am worried about bumping into certain person. I have accepted some people aren’t there to be friends they are there just because they want to feel better about themselves, I am never going to please the world nor should I try to be everyone’s friend. What I need to do is stop trying so much and just be me, accept my faults, accept the stresses at the time, and leave them where they belong. I can’t be scared of the “IF” and instead look at what I am good at. My work in itself is good, I have plenty of room to grow and improve from good to great. This will happen over the time and I will only get better. I have lost quite a bit of my focus over the past few months struggling to sit down and read a book something I really enjoy to do. To the past few weeks doing mindfulness and focusing on my breathing, slowly relaxing looking at each part of my body and how much tension and emotion I am holding within my body. To going to Birmingham next month for a night out with good friends which will be my first proper night out, in a place I know nothing about and just trying to have fun away from people who judge me and worry I could break down at any point. My other part of improving and growing is meeting up with people locally friends or acquaintances.
This is the season where I am in the spring learning and growing and starting to enjoy who I actually am. Spring is where you jump forward and don’t look back at the past. Even with the fact we are in the autumn season it’s about how we embrace the constant change and not looking at those voices or people who have interfered in the my past and instead just being me.
On Wednesday I am embracing normality and going back to work and facing the demons. I am doing it on my terms. With everything work has been really supportive and encouraging to get myself better. With the possibilities I had set up some kinds of support for the week but sadly it fell through which is a normal thing and the reasons behind the changes are understandable, I just have to continue to take it on the chin and move on without that support I might need. For me I am going to continue travel and spend time with a small group of people. I don’t stick around my home town just to give myself space and also to help my recovery.
My seasons of recovery is constantly changing and is never going to stop evolving. It is
time to stop worrying about the world and worry more about me not just my physical health but also my mental health as well. As no one is going to be able to save me again unless I SAVE ME.
I was listening to a variety of music while writing this blog and three songs stuck out so I have three below that really hit a different level with me.
I am ONE.