Full Circle

Well 2015 saw the beginning of the battle. Everywhere I looked there was leaves covering the path, making it impossible to find the route through the fog that slowly drifted in and was taking over my mind and my view. Looking around at what used to bring me joy and excitement was slowly crumbling within my own hands. Feeling each part of the puzzle become heavy and impossible to slot back together, the puzzle was no longer the same puzzle I had in 2014.

The beginning of the circle breaking up with my boyfriend at the end of 2014 ending a period which had been going on for too long and being let down slowly clouded judgement and decisions and accepting being made to feel inferior. My ex came along at a point in my life which is when I needed someone after losing my dad in 2012 on his birthday and grieving and trying to work my way through feeling insecure and unsure of who I am or wanted to be. I have been brought up to be kind, honest and to have manners. Some can see these qualities as weaknesses I see them as being who I am and want to be. It makes me strong and constantly reminds me of my upbringing. After splitting from him, ignoring my own mental health and seeing the fog from afar.

Through 2015 the battle continues and losing the qualities I possess that makes me tick and find the person I was losing. Seeing what half, the picture picking up on the situations and not dealing with them in the right way. Lashing out and making the situation worst or the person who was seeing it and wasn’t real. Some cases it would be the latter and some not so, I became the person who couldn’t be believed.  Posts on social media and comments and the now fully covered path of leaves and rocks no longer seeing where I was meant to be heading. Making the direction of travel impossible to remain on the rails, until the implosion of Pride ’15. The night my world and my soul, being and body could no longer cope or survive as that version of me. The fear and the darkness flooded every part of my body, I finally needed to stop and breath and find the light switch to find my way out of this spiral of destruction, the same spiral my father went through. Now trying to just remain standing and brush a few leaves away. From the moment 30th August 2015 was my lowest point atom find the strength to turn the key in the ignition of my car and drive away from Manchester for a night and trying to find some peace in my head, driving to my best friend’s home and we didn’t discuss what had happened or what was going on, I was left to just take a breath and find aa footing. The hardest part of the illness was making the call home to my mum telling her how low I had become and feeling a failure for being weak. Fear and darkness were part of me from that point on, for several weeks I had to stop and break the routine rarely home in Manchester but at friends and family’s homes keeping myself to myself and writing these blogs through my battles of the highest and lowest moments of depression.

Getting back to what a routine is meant to be, and returning to work, continuing with medication, the path slowly becoming clearer with leaves still across the path in places but slowly the wind blows them away. Friends becoming more available the more I was open about having an illness, no longer feeling isolated or alone. I felt a part of something that wasn’t just me in this fight but I had support. Throughout fighting the illness, I remember that I had to learn from this fight.  New Year’s Eve in 2015 was my first night out in Manchester since pride and my first time being out with others, my friends who are my support network.  Facing so much in 2015 was difficult and some part hurt and still do, it did teach me a lot.

2016 was the beginning of a new chapter and new milestones. Turning 30 and settling into a new life of being me. Being able to say no and distance myself from anything that didn’t make me smile.

Walking into fear and the possibility of bumping into fear at any point was terrifying at times, but then freeing myself of the fear. I began a relationship which wasn’t on the cards at all. The relationship had its moments of happiness and great darkness. As most relationships, they have ups and downs and they all have different directions, sadly the relationship didn’t work and there has been a lot of words and comments have been said and aits now time to put the whole situation to bed.

From these moments, it has developed my resiliency and drive and make me stand back on my own 2 feet, with friends who are now family. Each battle has to let the dust settle and the moments after the fight is when you can see the clear picture of what has happened. Overtime the dust completely clears and you can new parts of this ever-changing puzzle that you never noticed before a piece of part of the puzzle.

When you begin to fight through and deal with depression you slowly deal with recovery, and find challenges great and small. Throughout my 18 month when I started this recovery, I set myself some challenges to achieve was to be able to sit in a public space alone with strangers around me and being able to drink a coffee and to feel comfortable in my own skin. Something I have constantly felt uneasy about. Finally achieving I can sit in a room alone as I am never alone, I am supported by great people, I have an amazing family and some uniquely brilliant friends. In 2016 I, had as many lows and highs and the one of the greatest high’s I will always hold I no longer surviving I am a survivor! From that I challenge the walls and the fears a no longer run away unsure instead I stand my ground.

From this I’ve decided this will be the final blog for #IamONE as I am no longer the one alone, I have gone full circle being able to go out with people I would never dreamed of spending time with at New Years!  I survived Pride 16 when the world was looking like it would implode again it didn’t! being able to go back to Scotland and being at the event that brought me into the gay world, and become part of the community. The lows don’t need to be gone back over again, those who have been part of the lows my only wish is for you to find happiness and be at peace of the past and live in the now. I am free from those lows the sadness and the darkness, I hope you find that inner peace one day. Bearscots I started to say a mantra,

I am Kind

I am Strong

I deserve better

I am…ME

Thank you for reading this blog and being part of my journey I am no longer the person I was in 2015 or 2014! I am the newer me, not fully recovered and never will be cured but I will continue this fight with your helping hand.

My favourite quote I have, “Stumbling isn’t falling” I will never fall with all your kindness and support.

Thank you

I am finally FREE to be me.

Alex

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Filtered

We are born to have feelings and emotions. Each person has a different emotional capacity compared to others, we will go through the spectrum of emotions and from the good and bad with the view to be who we are.

Every emotion has a reaction we all can read the situation differently and wrongly from the intended. As the world is evolving and appearing to be more accepting and more rational we still have clusters were we have no equality or acceptance. The tweet that is going around the world is #nofilter, #weareorlando. Orlando has seen the worst terrorist shooting in the USA since 9/11. A one man wrecking crew to disrupt and damage the world we all know, some accept and some hate but it’s the world we live in. it wasn’t just an attack on the USA it was an attack on the Gay community, every single gay person man, female or those who have not decided, were reminded we still have many more steps to go before we are fully accepted.

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Minute silences taken all across the world, events were candles were lit hands help balloons released. The community stood together not as a single individual but as one sole community. Pride events have witnessed the atrocity of Orlando and the world united, communities stood together not just those within the gay community but everyone. The man who committed this devastated attack, didn’t like a community because he was embarrassed or ashamed of who he was on the inside turning to destruction. I don’t mention his religion as it was attack on all of mankind no discrimination to gender, religion or race it was an attack either way. We are all entitled to an opinion and belief and there are small sects of extremist views.

“All young people, regardless of sexual orientation or identity, deserve a safe and supportive environment in which to achieve their full potential.” 
― Harvey Milk

London Pride has taken place and we have seen the acceptance where adverts and companies jumping on to support the community that I belong in.  There were marriage proposals from the police force to the parade.

Then within weeks of this attack the UK took to the biggest referendum in 41 years, the EU referendum where the people of the UK had to vote to stay or leave. The usual press gang happened with propaganda from both sides with the Leave Campaign winning by 52% vs, Remain campaign 48%. People made the decision which we have to respect and come to terms with that the UK will no longer be part of the European Union and we are now in the uncertainty and we have 2 years of renegotiation and decision making including a new leader of the UK to be made. We now begin the new stage of our lives in the UK where we will all learn together what the future will actually hold, is anyone’s guess.

We filter out so much and look at ways to protect ourselves, from the real world. I have been fighting out of the darkness and the Filter has slowly been turned on filtering out the negative wasteland of the destruction. No longer listening to those that should have no control over me anymore. I have begun to be me. The worlds that I broke down as two different realms of consciousness, the psychological world and the physical world they once ran in parallel one controlling the other world.

In recent months, I have begun to be in a relationship with someone I care about. To being signed off of CBT with my doctor in early June. I have finally started to take control of the battle and winning, the main battle I face now is what do I want to do with my life. I know who I am, with my own dreams and goals and the two realms now working in symmetry. I have a wonderful family, great friends, a great support network with friends online and in person. Work has balanced out now and I am in more control than ever before. At the same time control can and will change and I have to roll with those punches.

With this I have achieved many milestones in my recovery, I have a lovely home, a decent job, about to begin a qualification within career path. I am about to face a bigger challenge in the next few weeks with going to Pride! Manchester pride is the one that holds a lot of challenges for me, where I have to face the demons from last year as it will mark the first year since my mental collapse. I will be facing it with my boyfriend, and countless friends, some from last year and some from my wider friend’s network.

Harvey Milk once said,

The only thing they have to look forward to is hope. And you have to give them hope. Hope for a better world, hope for a better tomorrow, hope for a better place to come to if the pressures at home are too great. Hope that all will be all right. Without hope, not only gays, but the blacks, the seniors, the handicapped, the us’es, the us’es will give up. And if you help elect to the central committee and other offices, more gay people, that gives a green light to all who feel disenfranchised, a green light to move forward. It means hope to a nation that has given up, because if a gay person makes it, the doors are open to everyone. 

So if there is a message I have to give, it is that if I’ve found one overriding thing about my personal election, it’s the fact that if a gay person can be elected, it’s a green light. And you and you and you, you have to give people hope….” 

All we can do is hope for a better tomorrow and we will be united!

We are the Brave, Strong , Beautiful, Courageous, Unique , Vibrant & Proud!

We are the RAINBOW

Story

Once upon a time a nursery rhythm was begun, the story of a princess finding there happily ever after. Mental health doesn’t help you see the happy ever after moment even if it is possible.

“Happiness is a journey. Not a DESTINATION- Ben Sweetland”

The story of seeing face adversity and battling through the dark and unruly conditions of the story the writer has begun to throw everything but the kitchen sink at the leading character the story is ongoing. It is when you reach the middle of the story the arch over lapping to the next chapter and the main characters becoming more at grief of the adventure. You see the story slowly changing there is a little more hope and light no bigger than a pin prick.

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Every day the small glimmer of light is getting the tiniest bit of bigger as each day goes past. The light slower becomes bigger and the warmth from the light is becoming more noticeable. The previous cold dark tunnel the story being written and you find a path. The path is getting a tiny bit clearer with the leaves being swept away from the main path with the gentle breeze. The past stories of the ghost writer are slowly disappearing becoming script on the wall so they piece of tattered posters that will come back and show reminders here and there.

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The nursery rhythm is becoming more realistic that the prince will come and save the princess from the clutches of darkness and unhappiness. They have a moment where the fork in the road is becoming more visible. The one turning is a clear route, the middle road is a mixture of clouds and light with some leaves and trees in the place. The other path, bleak darkness and unyielding path that has no relief, the relief you get from the other path’s you get in some rest bite.

The path is always undecided and they overlap are intertwined with the light and darkness. The complexities that life can deliver, all mixed in with the case depression can develop and voices become more difficult clearer and louder than ever before. They were never going to be quiet while the path is being decided. It can become filled with the trees & bushes with leaves dropped on the path.  No longer visible of where to turn or where to begin. Trying to find where to begin again or find where up is up. It can be difficult to see where you can actually start.

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Sigmund Freud once said “When inspiration does not come to me I go halfway to meet it” to be inspired by the past it can sometime take a bit of a push to find what makes us actually smile, the inspiration to wake up and get on with life and become the person we should be. Not only to inspire ourselves but also to inspire others to be happy and stronger. We are on this planet to inspire others to achieve great things. We are the movement that make the world spin and make those believe in what they can achieve. It takes a brave person to admit when they are in need of help to find the light and not be afraid of the what others will say, except those who are there to offer a shoulder and a hand to get you through and to inspire you to be better than yesterday.

We take the moment to be free and think we don’t need others every so often, the children stories where snow white has the seven dwarves or Cinderella they all had other people supporting them through the difficult times. So when we face an illness like mental health why do we hide away and shield the world away and pretend we are all ok? When really need someone when we are most at risk.

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“7 years” the traditional itch, and it some up life the movement and the goals to achieve hope. We go through stages and hope and we have the chance to grow and make the world a better place.

I am 30 and I have taken my fair share of battles and seen the destruction of others and how they have impacted not just my life but others. The voices become clear and loud but they get dwarfed by other voices. They become more distant no longer heard they are now being controlled by me. The voice is now my own. While others slate and try to destroy me and others around me. I have a belief if I wasn’t nice or a good person, they would try to destroy me instead they wouldn’t even know I existed or even consider the destruction they cast. The path is bleak at times and dark in places but other places it is sunny and happy, it out shown the past.

I have begun to believe in who I am and what I like, who I want to be and finally be happy. Not hiding away, slowly confronting the past and the dream of the future, settling down is becoming more of a happier and successful man. I don’t need or require a partner but it be nice to complete a small piece of the main puzzle.

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We see more and more within the news that the world is out to destroy itself in some form. We are losing why we are on this planet and the beauty to make it stronger and better place not just for us. For the future generations.

We are the change! We are future and We are writing the story for the future.

I am no longer ONE.I am Alex 

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Break

Have you ever had to just stop and take a “break”?

Each time the world seems to be set to be against you with every decision and every choice you make it just doesn’t want to go your way. Each time you get the setback it becomes more of an issue with more reason why it doesn’t seem fair others are surviving and getting the lucky break and then those that never seem phased or plagued by setbacks.

Breaks within life and the realms of normality, see to be more and more common with more people within society being signed off work due to stress related illnesses and mental health becoming more common place within society. With 1 in 4 adults being diagnosed with mental health illness, and 1 in 5 children having a mental health illness. It has taken numerous years for the numbers to finally force the government to change their way of thinking and actually start to give more financial support to mental health resources.

With this weekend it is the “Holiday” of love, valentine’s day! This is the weekend where most will go either way on the spectrum either super lovey dovey or extremely unhappy and lonely. For me I have never been spoilt on valentine’s day and the biggest difficulty I have with valentine’s day is it also marks my 1st year since my break down.

My breakdown last year was significant as it was finally when I admitted I needed help. I fell for someone and we became extremely close. We would do most things and just never be called boyfriends or partners. Instead it be one side getting more emotionally devoting then what was on offer. I was going through the motions of breaking up with my ex and then I didn’t really stop to just grieve the breakdown of my relationship. In the weekend of valentines 2015 I could see and feel myself becoming more and more isolated from the world no one actually saw what was going on as they only could see what I was letting them. People would notice my attitude had changed and it had become more and more implosive and each day of that period of breaking up I lost myself more than ever before. I couldn’t see any positives happening valentines weekend I was isolated alone plans constantly changing so others could have a good time while I ended up alone. My mood taking a drastic turn I no longer could laugh I was isolated and alone.

The breakdown was the first signs of how damaged I was as I didn’t feel I could cope or survive and back then considered if it was worth trying to carrying on. I got into arguments and became destructive and would only talk to few people rarely about what was going on. I defriended people and push others away because I wasn’t getting what I expected nor wanted. While others were happier and getting what they had expected. They managed to enjoy valentines and do the whole make believe celebration, while I got messages of disgust, pity or the manipulation seeds were just being planted.

It’s a year since the breakdown and in the past 12 months the world has changed significantly. I began my proper road to recovery last year with counselling and CBT. I found my home, I have 4 people who are closer than friends, I have had my low points where I considered the end, and I finally took the first steps to recover, I stopped and took the break I actually needed. Rarely home rarely heard from in Manchester or seen. I was everywhere but here getting myself prepared before the unknown could take full effect of my future. Which every day is, the great unknown.

The past year I have walked through hell and I have seen parts of my life crumble within my own hands. This isn’t where I have had to fight not to be free but just to stand up and breath and take a break from what is going on. Each moment each time it feels like the world is against me. But I still get up and I am still here.

The breakdown of 2015 was the big starting piece that made me try and clear up what is going on in my life and challenge the damage past I have. Which I can never change nor would I want to in the oddest way. If I did I might not be who I am today, yes still damaged but I still rise above the flames and the destruction that has been laid before me.

We are born into this world alone and we go out of the world alone, but during the days and years walking down the path, we aren’t alone. Sometimes it is good to take a break and be alone and spend some time alone where you get to do what you want when you want and enjoy your own company. The break from constantly being on the go can be exhausting and sometimes you could be running away from the problem.

It isn’t about being the most popular and having to be the center of attention instead just taking in the opportunities to be with people and to feel safe. Those that take every opportunity to be center of everything that is going on are hiding behind the image that they are god’s gift or to be the most important person in the room. Reality is they are hiding what is really going on in their world and are on the way to their own break in some kind. Furthermore, everyone is just as important as each other and you should have to fight to be that person who people want to be with. Instead people should want to be with you for that is an opportunity that could just stop at any second.

As this is the world of a manipulator, my heart is filled with love for my family and my friends it isn’t ugly not is it broken. Unlike the manipulators where their heart will always be black small and ugly!

Life can be flipped on an edge of a coin. And you never know what will be around that corner. It is time to enjoy and find what makes you happy. But also who.

I am ONE & I am no longer..on a break!

 

 

Prisoner

“Depression is a prison where you are both the suffering prisoner and the cruel jailer- Dorothy Rowe”

If you look around the room you’re in right now it has 4 walls a door and a window. You can move freely around the room, and the can see different colours. When you are a suffer and have hit the low point the doors the windows start to disappear and fade into the walls becoming a cold box with no escape. This is the prison that happens to those suffering from depression.

This week we marked Mental Health Awareness Day. With #timetochange, and I told the world of the battle I have faced most know about them already. Some have been surprised as they thought being up north and a recluse away from them I was happy. Reality was I was slowly losing the key to my prison cell.

A question I always ask is if you look at me do you see mental illness first or do you see me? Would you know I have sunk to the bales of hell in the past 10 years? Being succumbed by agony and the cell keys turning. The keys easily removed and being passed around to different holders. The keys becoming older and rusty now.

If you look at the below picture would you see what is really behind my eyes?

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I have a big milestone coming up on the 13th February it will mark 1 year since my breakdown, and I began to seek help and advice with counselling, and then cbt. It took a lot to finally let the darkness out it was a final push to approach counselling, I have always been skeptical about psychologist or counsellors because of what happened when I was visiting my dad in hospital weirdly on the 17th February 2007 the psychologist made me relieve the whole event in front of my father awakening the depression and this monster with the jailer holding onto those keys the psychologist forgot about my feelings my emotions and was instead more focused on my dad.

For a number of years, I lived silently within the prison of the voices. Making it appear as if I was ok or was losing more and more of myself and becoming the shell of the man I wanted to be. The keys to the jail I was in was no longer with the psychologist but instead it was with me, I wouldn’t turn the keys for longer than a few days or weeks, I would never be happy with what I had. I became destructive in certain situations. With that I would have serious lows and consider taking my own life. Moving myself from a main cell into solitary confinement. Within the prison I would struggle to sleep struggle to speak and let events get the better of me.

Once my father passed I grieved like I have mentioned in “Loss” but then the key to the prison door unlocked for a period of time. The walls became clearer with colours and wallpaper being on the walls and the door no longer being closed but being open, same with the windows letting in the breeze.

On and off over the years I have finally started to have my lows but nothing as big or as hard as moving to Manchester, I had the breakdown of my relationship, falling for someone, but also letting someone to take over control of my mind and manipulating my thought process and the way I could rely upon my own moral compass. Some twists within my mind, the manipulator wanted to control and make it about them. Lighting the fire and letting the fireworks go off in my head, never really trusting anyone or seeking the help I really needed using the energy to change me against me in the way to make it seem as they cared and the way it was relatable. Giving him the key to my prison and pushing the cell walls further and further away from the realms of reality. Until finally the prison cell was pushed so far that it couldn’t move anymore.

Following the implosion of the cell I begun to recover and slowly rebuilt the walls and the blocks of the reality. Without knowing in building and giving some people more space into my mind and not leaving them in their own prison.

I am 30, never been in trouble with the law, I have always been hard working and fought for everything I have now. My reality is still fuzzy and clouds still come into view every so often and this week the prison cell is definitely taking more of a precedent than I should allow it to. This is the time of my life I should be celebrating what I have achieved and I have a lovely home which I live on my own, my own car, a good job, great friends & family. Then I give those that manipulate and twist the knife of control space to carry on and retain the keys to the prison.

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The past year the prison has been a big part of my life but then the biggest part has been some people have come more prominent in my life and they have helped save part of me, they have been on this journey with me where I pick up the parts of me I dropped. I have celebrated Christmas, birthday new years with people that are so close they are family.  I have also been rebuilding bridges with people and re building my confidence to actually go out and try to enjoy myself. I have been out twice on a big night out for new year’s & my birthday.  They are far from prison cells they were moments people I know were there.

My prison cell is still there existing and at one point I use to think my home was the prison, but it’s not, my mind is the prison and the more I focus on people who have damaged my life the more time I will be in this prison.

I am surviving, and I am survivor as well as I stopped from the voice. There is no explosives that will destroy this prison, but the more I am aware of this prison existing the more I know who holds the key the stronger I will be. As I hold the KEY.

I am ONE

I

How many times in the day do you say “I?” and how many times do you say we?

I, is the one letter that makes people sound self-indulgent more than any other, as it has a meaning and represents talking about ourselves. It also includes,  do you give other credit for what they have achieved or do you take their credit?

For me, I will say I have completed this or give someone the credit for what they have achieved even if it makes me look less of a person because it might not be my work. Also giving people the credit for some of my achievements just because they might need that boost and forgetting I could actually do with that boost.

Within the last blog “X” I stated about “lip service” and I feel I need to clarify a slight point here. I call it lip services because I rare will hear from them. But also I actually try to reply to every single message and it’s a personal message and it could be about their recent Facebook posts. I give them more time then I get from them, and it’s not a competition and I wish them a happy birthday and try to make it sound personal not just the generic “Happy Birthday” but I also don’t always post it on Facebook I do this weird thing and message the person directly and try to start up a conversation that could be limited as it’s a one way conversations! Also within the blog it wasn’t designed when I was at my highest or strongest point, and neither was I at my lowest point either, instead it was written while I was on my journey to challenge thoughts. The X within people lives differ and they mean something to each of us. For me my birthday is a point where I see the X where I prefer to forget about.

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In August and prior to other nights out 3 people got closer and closer and I was pushed out and invited out on the rare occasion, usually to be made fun of or pushed into pushing my barriers way beyond what I wanted to do. One of them is a manipulator and partner who felt they could tell me how disappointed they are with me when I had a breakdown. When really who can really be more disappointed in me than me? I had to deal with the situation and the events and how low I had felt which was a massive factor in my recovery. Also they were a cause of the events that happened in August. To them I was good enough for a few things and the biggest was to be there door mat. While they manipulate and twist the reality for others and even those close to them don’t know the truth anymore as they have twisted it beyond any reality.

From here I have had to deal with the fear of walking into them and making that awkward moment well I have walked into them twice. I am 1-1 on reactions as my first time walking into him was a panic attack, which I had to walk around Manchester talking to people which I have mentioned previously on here. The other time I was walking into the office and our paths crossed. I survived and just got on with my day and ultimately become stronger from that moment. As my reality isn’t flawed nor is it cloudy of the truth, I know what happened and I also know where I am going and what makes me actually proud.  And the ultimate proud moment is still being here.

 

 

 

 

The reason I dislike the events that are about me, is simply because they can be taken away by people and made about them. My first night out since August was a big night for me as I hadn’t been out in Manchester for a big event since Pride, where my world crumbled. It was an impromptu night on the tiles and the night wasn’t about me but was about bringing in the new year marking an end to what 2015 brought to me, which was a difficult year and finally the cross roads was reached. Some people also having had a difficult year as well it was a way to end it. While some decided to make it about them and they forget basic principles of ownership. Reminders of where I have come from and how I was feeling back in august flooding back to my present memory of not being good enough or wanted around because I was “cock blocking” or inferior to them and wasn’t really welcome to the event. I was only asked to be civil when reality is I wasn’t asked because of people being civil instead I was asked to go along because people like me, and they know the road I have travelled and how much I have had to fight it in some parts alone getting through each day and moment to letting people in when I have a panic attack or someone has re awaken part of my past. To be honest I wasn’t there to block anything just to go and enjoy myself and I was stressed at the event as I have always worried about introducing friends to each other, as most the time they don’t get along or they become the judgemental queen in the corner watching how the friends are. Also if they will get along because they like each other or because they are trying not to upset me, when really I have zero control over others opinions or behaviours all I can do is enjoy myself away from the drama. That night was turned into a night of drama some from my own where I couldn’t cope with everything so I avoided alcohol which would exacerbate the situation but also the prevention of letting me go back to my own safety net, my home. As of leaving the venue I walked into 3 people I didn’t really expect to see and one of them could tell as soon as they saw my face I had to escape and get out, as I wasn’t enjoying myself. The others could tell something was right, as they would usually see me floating around for a drink, but I was gone quickly and I also went home within the hour.

 

 

Leaving 6 really close friends at a club because of one person who thought of themselves more than others and also begun to repeat history. Until they get what they want they will leave you be, even when you try to be friends and try to just support someone while they have a lot to deal with especially when you have been in the similar place. Well here is my answer to that now. GOOD BYE, as I don’t do one sided friendships and nor do I do deflection of reality making me feel inferior to the world. As I am not inferior to anyone, instead I am as others say a good person, who wears their heart on their sleeve and will do whatever it takes to help someone before myself.

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I, have discussed a few big moments in my life above and have to carry on growing, and keep on the track. Also from this blog I have talked about me, and my events being a bit self-indulgent, which is rare, as I don’t do me, I will think about others a lot more than me as it’s easier to work out other problems than my own. Which is common as sometimes following your own advice is so difficult you have to rely upon others and hope they can understand make sense of the issue you are facing.

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Sometimes some people will say I more than we, or us, or think of others because they have to be selfish and sometimes out of most we all need to be selfish and think of our own needs not just others. Remembering we are important as others and deserve to be free and happy not repressed and pushed to the side as if we are nothing but a unwelcome guest.

Its time we are all ONE and not hiding away, because every time we hide away it doesn’t help yourself it helps those that repress the world! And now its time to stand up and say no. be happy be you and be selfish. Because if you aren’t you might be the person who is left behind while the world is thinking for themselves.

I am ONE. And WE are  STRONG!

 

X

A symbol or a simple letter. The X can mean Multiply, times or an Ex within life, or even just a simple letter. It can have a lot more meaning than any other letter or symbol than any other within the alphabet.

“Don’t judge what you see, as you don’t know what is going on beyond theses hazel eyes…”

FB_IMG_1449054879633Sometime you have find the X laying in the sand to say it’s enough, I have finally found what I am looking for but also I have found what I am not looking for.  At times that can be the hardest thing to say that it’s over. When you have hit your cross roads. That cross roads when you’re dealing with mental health can appear more than once as you could quite easily see what one door closing and another unknown.

2beea4b45c633b613fcba5ea05125c0bLife is a crossroads, and many moments through the day it could quite simple be a decision that could cost and have an impact not just on your life but on others as well. When that happens it can sometimes be more extreme and difficult to manage and accept you have done something that has cost someone in some way. We all have an opportunity to make decisions and it’s a choice if you own the choice and be big enough for what has happened and say that is way it was and only try to make the right decision in the future. You can’t always be right even when those that pretend they are there not. As really deep down they are the most scared of being found to be making the wrong decision and wrong impression.

X 7145765b7ba332aa1263220b7bfef4e5or an Ex in life happens we all suffer from having an ex in our lives it doesn’t have to be a relationship but it could be an ex friend, ex neighbour. They all mean something in some way, the ex of a relationship or friendship sometimes hurt and can be extremely difficult to recover from. As they have at one point been the center of your universe and now they aren’t instead they are on the outside of a very mysterious bubble that has taken over your life in some way and they and you are looking in from the outside on each-others bubble. This will hurt and be costly to you when you are recovering from what they once meant and the feeling off joy and happiness changes to anger, vengeance, hatred to some degree and many other emotions. They will always mean something to you especially at one stage in your life they were your life. They were there through your time of growth and enjoyment. Sadly, that door can close on the relationship at any time. It sometimes has a way of leaving the door on the latch and opening back up slowly. Same with a scar, it can reopen and you will re awaken part of the past either the good or the bad. It is about moving beyond the memory especially if it wasn’t a great one to something different and very much away from why they are an ex.

2015-11-16 22.14.55When you have depression and you go to cognitive behavioral therapy you learn about the types of thinking including the way a simple thought could be catastrophize to a massive problem and this can be so big the only escape could feel like the darkness. The way the colour within the world becomes very black and white with thinking and generalization becomes a big part of the dealing with a mental health illness. It will continue to multiply and grow and get bigger than it really is. Ed Sheeran has an album called “X” which I always thought was just the letter but it turns out to be multiply which is odd in way as do you really want to multiply everything and not just success but would you want to multiply the failures and the bad moments within your life or what feels like a failure. The one thing is negative thoughts aren’t exclusive to those with a mental health issue they are all inclusive we all have the ability to think negatively and see the world in two colours and sometimes miss that section in the middle of grey.  Which can be as simple as a simple comment that you never really thought about how you said it but has just planted the seed of doubt or multiplying over the reality bad or good events happen to all of us, it’s just the way we handle and deal with the event makes them what they are.

2015-11-05 20.55.13When you have an illness no matter how big it seems to multiple and get bigger and bigger even when you have got treatment and try to get yourself better. There is always the possibility of relapse or it coming back and becoming bigger and much worst then before. Those who suffer from cancer a go into remission have to go back regularly for testing and could go 12 years’ cancer free and it comes back more evolved more developed more vicious than ever and it will take every single bit of the person’s energy to fight it off and defeat it. Not all cancers have a cure and some cancers don’t have to be a lump or a mass of cells rebelling against the body immunity. It could be a simple illness that is slowly killing off cells and who you once were or who you are going to become. It is an illness with no cure that has many treatments and therapies but it has a way of multiplying to such magnitude the battle sometimes can be lost even slightly.

FB_IMG_1446314510627When you have a repetitive event in your life it becomes part of the way you think and how much you can dread or enjoy an event. With most people they have a birthday that they will either celebrate or not depending on culture, and that day the day you were born is meant to be about you. As before that day however many years old you are you didn’t exist. Now you do it and in most counts you have helped improve someone’s life even slightly, it could just be family people’s life you have improved.

cf6bf11ed1c66dcb2357f91066b3d128Well I have a birthday coming up in a number of days and it’s a milestone in my life, I will be 30 years old. Or as I like to call it chapter 30. For a number of years since I was 18 I have organized my birthday and in a way every year at my birthday it hasn’t been about me, it has been about someone else or those that get invited cancel, sometimes for valid reasons and some are questionable. For a number of years, I was with someone who is now my ex, he never organized anything for my birthday or even remembered to get me a birthday card. Something very simple that could mean a lot. I never got that, so have always had to be organized to sort something. My birthday has always been difficult as its middle of January and no many people can afford to come out mid-month as it’s that time of the year that is affected the most by Christmas. I usually try to organize something for the end of the month but for the past few years since I lost my dad I haven’t really celebrated as his birthday is also his anniversary but is a few days after my birthday. So for me a birthday night out could be something quite special as it takes my mind of what has happened and the fact I was always the forgotten kid growing up. Friends would forget and to be fair still happens when it comes to something that is about me. It’s all forgotten about, those moments your meant to feel important and special and for a number of years I have only been important to sign a cheque or for people to complain too due to bad customer service when I worked within retail. My one day I hope to be special doesn’t really happen anymore my family try and they help take my mind of life on my birthday but then there is the rest of the world. People know it’s my birthday by Facebook so I get people wishing me a happy birthday but do they know me really. No usually they say the usual but that’s it, and it can be lip service.

FB_IMG_1446036427915My life has been filled with no hopers or ex people within life that has had an impact. Part of me hard to rely or trust people as the way I have had to grow up much faster than some be mature not actually be my age, I have had to be older than most, and take on big challenges just to prove myself not usually to myself but to others. To make my mark on someone life not for being me, but to prove them wrong. Losing piece and part of my sanity and my identity well and truly being lost.

images (2)The X me is the typical well-mannered young man, believing in manners and knowing right from wrong even when I am ill. I still know what the difference is and now I see every decision magnified as it the past it has cost me and no it costs me so much more. As I am more aware some people can handle illness like this and also you do eventually get to a point where there are no more opportunities left. For me I am one of those people that never believe in myself or believe I am doing something right or if something goes wrong I blame myself. Even when I get a compliment about something I don’t believe they mean it or it’s because someone has told them to compliment me. Not just about work or general stuff in life if someone says I am handsome or compliments me I take it with the biggest pinch of salt ever.

FB_IMG_1445450724423This week I achieved something when I went for my cbt session at the doctors I have a check up on my recovery with a wellbeing self-assessment. My previous scores have been 10/7 to 4/7 to this weeks 3/3. The scores look at anxiety and mood, and the target for recovery is 7 or less. Which was my first achievement this week. To finally going back to where my depression went to the severity that I saw the darkness. Going into the house and being in the room which I hadn’t been in since August 30th. With this meant I had to go near my friend who I have been resistant from seeing since everything due to the manipulator as he cost me a lot. And he still is, as I saw a picture which woke up every emotion I went through that night where I isolated myself but was also isolated by others which I then started to considered every option and seeing only the darkness. Seeing that picture opened the wounds that saw the world smiling while at that same time I was being destroyed within my own body my own soul was fighting against what was going on within my own head my thoughts were ruling what was going to be the day. Where I was too scare to go near people or to be at home or to be anywhere near certain memory points. The re awakening and reminding that my life in September was simply explosive having to face the demons and the choices and avoiding find X on that treasure map where you really don’t want to find the treasure on that map instead you want it to be buried deep and far away from the world, so no one can find it and exploit the turmoil you suffered by your own hands but also by the hands of others. For my 30th I am going to try to celebrate and embrace my birthday with or without people around as it’s my time to be important and feel special and if others can’t I will do it myself as I stand on my own 2 feet. As I don’t live in anyone shadow. Some will say its only a picture and I am empowering the memory and the other factors within the memory, but it’s a constant reminder of what has happened. It’s a scar that isn’t visible to the world just to me.

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There is another X I haven’t mentioned other than a symbol, the X a sign of a kiss, for signing messages to important people with in your life. Showing a sign of love to others can help more than anything to anyone in the world especially when they feel alone. For me I love a lot live a little and in some cases I need to love less and live more……for me and not others. But that isn’t me.

I am ONEof a k;nd!
X

 

2015

As you may of notice my blogs usually have a specific style where I blog about the general to introduce the blogs to you and then go on to discuss how the subject relates to me in my recovery. But this blog is slightly different.

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You see today is New Year’s Day, millions of people see today as the fresh start and close of last year depending how difficult it was or how amazing it was. Those that had a difficult year, will focus on the events and sometime the events can change who we are, and how they have affected and made the person we once were not the same. You evolve and harden with the emotions that were caused the event have changed and it’s how you have recovered or on the path, either recovering or imploding.

FB_IMG_14486130581282015, has brought tears and raw negative emotions. This is where I will be honest, I split from ex who was abusive emotionally, and whenever he got drunk he would always have arguments with me a few times at a bear event where we had a few arguments. In front of people who saw it weren’t happy the way he spoke to me. Then at my birthday events when I would visit him, yes I would visit him instead of him visiting me. Once that event ended I started to get close to someone who meant a lot to me. Just being supportive and guiding me. I got too close and it blew up in my face when he changed plans and never saw what I saw the same. Then people got involved and the walls started to close in around me surrounding every inch of my being. Depression began to suffocate who I am. I didn’t just get close to one person I was growing closer to two other friends. My birthday was car crash as it became about everyone else but me.  Following a massive explosion, I decided to start counselling. I started to do counselling and never felt it really resolved the issue of my life exploding I had to try everything resistant against medication treatments.
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After a bump me and my friend got closer against and we started over fresh a few months later. This was just doing normal stuff like a coffee or movies. I had stepped away from people and could feel the world was against me more and more people started to plant the seeds to manipulate me and twist my conscious and influence my ethics. I got closer to my best friend who is like my big brother I never had. And spent time with him and his partner. He always supported me with big decisions and everything I need. Just being there, not expecting anything of me but same with me not expecting anything from him. I would go visit every few weeks to escape Manchester. A group of people helped me with my biggest move into my own home. Help from everyone who I asked most of my home is from free cycling and parts of it I am still getting used to it being mine. Like my tv and heaters. They aren’t my friends any more instead they are mine.

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Up till the big event that culminated in my life breaking down and everything I loved and cared about disintegrated around me, my heart my brain my world was destroyed from someone manipulating twisting and treating me as the scapegoat for his actions. As I was close to 3 people and he wanted to be there first pick not last pick, as I was there for them always would & have been. As they have been for me. Hell two of them looked after me when I was really ill and was what felt like I had swallowed broken glass and had 4 golf balls in my throat, with tonsillitis.

Manchester Pride 2014

30th August 2015 the day I considered it was time to end the pain and suffering and loneliness. Letting it consume me listening to the voices and say I don’t belong here. Not meaning I need to leave the room but meaning I didn’t belong on this earth where I considered walking in front of a car at the bottom of the road, and escaping. As the people I thought were there and knew my feelings about this person wouldn’t be sucked into his twisted lies. One person fell for it and listen to the lies and let himself be manipulated. The moment I lost their support was the hardest part of 2015. But then I gained support from people. I began a new treatment of cognitive Behavior Therapy, and also medication. This was a decision I was always against taking. As I felt I was strong enough to conquer the illness. Which I wasn’t, it has taken me 10 years to finally say it was going to be the illness or me that wins. If I didn’t seek the medical help I could have ended up being sectioned, still suffering from the illness and letting in the catastrophic thoughts that was going through my head which would have fully defeated me.

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Side effects of the medication it affects your sleep, but also your appetite so the weight I lost before beginning the treatment pilled back on. The hardest part of the medication is it really does affect your mood, where worrying and anxiety is managed, and never knowing what is actually the problem, as you might say you’re worried but inside you have nothing. Even with positives it can be affected by the medication. Even when you feel the world is exploding or imploding it has to be a major event that could defeat the medication.

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From August to October I was off work and feeling terrified about going back and feeling like a spare wheel with being at friends and families over the 7 weeks I was off. Spending very little time in my home. The day I went back to work 14th October phasing back into work and a normal routine.

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November came and I was spending a weekend at my big brothers who I spend a bulk of my time off at. From this point I encountered the rebuilding process and saw others’ lives imploding and taking out their anger out on the world as it they get given a right to be that way. I know when my implosion took place I felt similar as if the world owes me something. All it owes me is air to breath and food to eat. That’s is all the world gives you it doesn’t owe you in face you owe the world. While I saw others worlds imploding I tried to help, and support. During that time, I got close to people and never saw it as anything major other than friendship then it would be the occasional upgrade to spend some time together. This would only happen when no one else is there. If they had an offer I was forgotten about.

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Fast forward to today 1st January 2016, at friends but not drinking by choice and instead of talking with me instead it was throw me under a bus to get me the heat of them. Then there were new people new social media friends who now become an interest. Well during the night, selfies are taken and I am excluded from them. And possible in 2 pictures captured of the new celebrations. But the biggest event New year bells gong, and the usual kissing takes place and while most people get a kiss that last longer than 10 seconds, compared to the one I would get was 2 seconds and at a push.

2015 has definitely been a difficult year, with events and critical events that definitely changed my path. In some places it brought me closer to people, and other I became more distant. It has definitely been a year where I have seen the UGLY side of people. Before 2015 I could always rely on my feelings and tell if someone is nice deep down or not. My instincts were something I was always able to rely on, and stupidly I ignored them and let people in. The thing I have found out about myself over the course of this roller coaster that is called life, I care a lot, and consider their feelings and emotions of others sometimes more than about my own. This has changed and I have started to see the world not in shades of black white & grey instead its shining with colour and bright and bold. Every day has been learning experience, where I have had to find out something new about myself and also of others. I have challenged the way I am and put myself out there where I have made newer friends, who I have had the opportunities to spend time with and new experiences. This year even though I was in a 2.5-year relationship I went on my first date, an experience I always through I would never get. To seeing some amazing theatre shows. The hardest stage other than losing people and letting everything get to much for me has to be saying good bye to people who were once so close and are now on the outside. I have finally been honest with my life and started to close the doors on the past that shaped my life and in a number of day I will be closing my 20’s and welcoming in the new decade. Its 2016 and I’m going to make this year what every I want it to be and leave what has happened back when it happened. I am no longer afraid to say goodbye to those that have moved beyond our paths.

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Finally catching my breath, and letting it all go for me to be free of the hurt and the upset I have experienced

To the world and to those that have been there;

Happy New Year. Hope it brings you all happy memories and magical moments. Thank you to those that have been there for me and have made me realize my own strength but also how resilient I really am.

2015 was One but I am changing my path. Along with this page new year new look!

 

 I am ONE & here’s to 2016!

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Me 31st December 2015

 

Judge

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Every battle there is a judge and it can feel that the judge, changes each time Sometimes finally accepting that the judge is in fact YOU!

quote-Natalie-Portman-theres-always-pressure-from-other-people-and-98100-inspirationalIsn’t it funny how the world can turn and change and karma can come back and bite people on the backside. The world is a place where judgement is no longer rare instead it is regular and constant more constant then your closest friend. We are all guilty of judging before getting to know the truth, sometimes people will admit they are judgmental and will make a conscious attempt to change.

“Don’t JUDGE my path. If you haven’t walked my path”

FB_IMG_1448919240821The world is filled with people waiting to put in their 2 pence worth. They have the ability to take the wind out of your sails and make it difficult to recover briefly for the moment you are in. the worst part can be when you are judged against who you are because of an event that has changed the course of life for someone. Should anyone really get the right to judge or manipulate the situation to benefit their own needs forgetting the cost?

cc03dbc6269f6de4f4a92b5a538c5b77For me I have been judged, labelled, cast to one side, manipulated and treated like I am the worst excuse for a human being over the years. Yet those that cast the stones forget who they are and how much of a shadow they have created upon society and reality. They have become absorbed by their own importance and they forget what is true and what is make believe. I took a break between blogging to get some perspective and see how I was getting on with returning to my own reality. I have rebuilt so much of my life in such a short space and have challenged not others but myself more and more with my commitment to fight. I am resilient to say the least. Those that have been affected with what happened on the 30th August have new places within my life, those who hurt and damaged my sanity and my clarity within reality are removed, and those that I was once close to are slowly getting back into my life but not in the same way instead it is never going to be as close as we were. For the simple reason I can’t be hurt, and nor should I. Everyone’s true colour will come out and those that have damaged the realms of reality will be seen for who they really are. Sadly, every decision we make will leave a mark on life and people will talk. I know my decisions will come back and the only difference is I don’t shy away from them, compared to others.

2015-11-12 11.25.49I admit I am a survivor of attempted suicide! I am proud to say a SURVIVOR, and while peoples true colour will be revealed I have to take the decision and step away, as I can’t be there to actively support people who have hurt me at the same time, because they believe what someone else can twist the world I exist in. Also for them they have to heal and find their resolve to what has happened and the difficult decision is always going be why they didn’t see it and next steps.

While I have had and been called every name under the sun and back I have to say sadly I am still here and most definitely not leave it anytime soon!

2015-11-07 23.23.48For me I have overcome a massive obstacle and that is walking into the manipulator, and I managed to keep my focus and carry on with my day and actually had one of the most successful days I have ever had since moving to Manchester. I have two more obstacles that I am still battling, part of me doesn’t want to tackle them as it could set me back. The other is to fully cut the manipulator fully out of my life and block out what he is and what he has that I have had to lose so I can find myself slightly.

Oprah-Winfrey-quoteAlso the other part of me has challenged my inexperience’s and exploring the world, even if its meetings people and spending time with people I haven’t experienced before. Enjoying those moments and not panicking as much.

The world spins on judgement calls and decisions which we have all taken part in to change society. Maybe it’s time we make the change to a less judgmental way of life. Freedom of speech is great but when it becomes a judgement we lose what it means and we lose a realm of respect.

I am….

Clear, honest and strong as I am not just ONE I am Alex, Stronger than ever. I am my own JUDGE!

Two

Have you ever looked at a story and seen there are always two sides to every story?

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When you have and illness there are two sides, the person and the illness. The person can be consumed by the illness and taking over the body and spirit of the beholder. When you are diagnosed with an illness that is life altering such as mental health or cancer, then your life is no longer what it was. Instead it has become nothing about you instead it’s about the illness and how much it takes to get out of bed. Living with the new life that new chapter that has been created in your story, that is constantly on going and this chapter doesn’t end within a few chapters instead it is constant it consumes many chapters and many pages of your story.

2015-12-02 11.14.39The diagnosis of the illness it has two stages it’s the fight to remove the illness and then you begin stage two the recovery. The fight to recover part of who you were before the illness is the ultimate goal. You want to be able to say “I am back to being me” but then can you return to who you were before you had the diagnosis?

You can only return partially but will always have the wounds of the illness. This will stay with you and be a constant memory of what you have had to go through. Sadly some people who won’t be as successful and could end up in the dark.

e6382322b057262ae2ddbcba656d36c5As I face the recovery from depression, I am in the battle of two halves. The first part is the depression and what has happened from the past. Each stage of depression, what was the root cause of when it all begun. But also what was the root cause of this each stage of the illness every element of it. Nine years ago the start of this illness, and was my dad’s accident. Then it was issues tied into what had happened and where my confidence was. My ex became an issue last year, where I wasn’t a priority which I have face many times from my dad picking his so called “friends” before his family. His brothers and sisters also never being part of the “Family” instead they have become more and more of the outlaws. My ex allowed his ex-boyfriend who is his best friend, disrespect me, put on the pedestal and treated me as if I was a child and not worthy of his time. Also the way my ex spoke to me, which was witnessed by other who have since said they had to bite there tongue from telling him what he actually thought. To this year where I lost me fully. The same person who bit there tongue and one of the few people to have actually met him, have become distant. Due to my illness and some other factors and it is time to depend not on the instead of me. The other issue is always going to be there side of the story. Listening to others who are their own support network.

some-of-the-most-poisonous-people-come-disguised-as-friends-and-family-quote-1Today 2nd December marks a massive date in my life, it was the day I took control. From a catalyst that reignited a fire that I had to take control of the issue that was taking me further down the dangerous spiral. I decided that it’s time to stop the repetition of the past where my ex mimicked my father. We went on the break that I knew we weren’t going to be getting back together, as that month I laughed and smiled and enjoyed life. I didn’t tackle what was going on or grieve instead I just did what I wanted to do.

quote-Jiang-Zemin-it-takes-two-hands-to-clap-37716Because of two people they were the aid I needed to stop the vicious cycle I was caught in. I finally took two people spurring me on to actually stop the abuse I was going through. I know people will see the A word, as if it wasn’t. It was abuse to a level of emotional abuse, I wasn’t treated the way I should have be, I became someone’s safety net but he didn’t become mine. Instead he took liberties of my kindness and exploited it. I know why I stayed in the cycle, was because I didn’t see myself finding anyone else would want me.

67cb0446696b3cc240ddd0e3fe233f83A year on I have been single for 12 months, officially or unofficially. A lot has changed I have face the demons and been to the bales of hell and back and now I am fighting against it. It has taken me two varieties to this fight. It is fighting for my physical health to get the strength to feel better with the way I look. The other part of the battle is my mental wellbeing it has taken a lot of will power and energy to fight through and not let the demons to take over again.

Sometimes it is unhealthy to live in the past and never look at the future and hope that it will return to what you had before, that time has now past and gone and it is time to live in the now. The future hasn’t been written yet but it can’t be written with the past still existing and influencing.

2beea4b45c633b613fcba5ea05125c0bTWO stages can take over who you were, and sometimes it is easier to embrace the illness and show the illness who is going to win. Not to let it influence the day it’s about moving beyond the illness and put it in a box with a tightly screwed lid and no air hole. Instead of letting the illness in prison me, I will in prison the illness in its very own prison. I have inherited a trait from both my parents and my family of being stubborn! That stubbornness will aid my fight, it will give me not just hope but it will give me my second chance to LIVE!

I am Alex,
I am Embracing the illness
I am ONE.