Loss
Have you ever lost someone, that it hurts so much? That person you wont see again as they haven’t just left your life but they have left this realm of the living?
“Don’t pity the dead pity the living….”
We all will experience death in one form either a close relative or someone from our extended circle of friends. With every death we all go through each stage of the grief process many will not have all the stages of grief and some will, Kuber-Ross Grief cycle includes;
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
Each death will go through the 5 stages in some way but they will be handled differently with each death. Some will avoid certain stages, and may never recover from the loss.
Most people know my father had an accident nearly 10 years ago, where he was left as a paraplegic from the neck down. He was able to talk and shout, he wasn’t the same man I grew up with. For 6 years he was in a wheel chair but the majority of the years, he was bed ridden due to a server bedsore and poor medical care he received in one of the care homes which wasn’t equipped for someone like my father to be.
Sadly, in the year the world was watching the UK the most the year of the Olympics, 4 days within my birthday and his birthday. My dad sadly lost the battle against pneumonia. On the 21st January 2012 I was told in front of my father he didn’t have much longer on this earth. As he had already had “surge” he had bounced back the day before as he seemed he was getting better. None of us were ready for the downhill rapidly.
I was in the hospital having to make the call to his family of brothers to get them to come in not for support for me as I am dead to the family, to say goodbye to there brother. The man who was always there for them, but they were never there for him or his actual family. Throughout the day I had to entertain these people going in talking down to me, as if I didn’t know what was going on or how difficult it was for them losing a brother. They sadly forgot about the fact I was losing my father at the same time. Even with my dad’s power of attorney daughter (AKA the toad) tell me how important my father was to her and how she wouldn’t hurt him, also she deserves to be in there more. This person is the same person who outed me to my father, on New Years Day.
On the day I was told my father would be moving on to a better world, I didn’t fear nor did he not being there anymore. I was and am always sad my dad isn’t here seeing me grow up or seeing all the milestones I achieve but also the same milestones he could have achieved.
My father passed on 22nd January 2012 at 00:54. He was told he would most likely pass within 2 hours, this was at 3pm on the 21st. My dad stubborn as they come didn’t want to go just yet at that point and he carried on until he was ready to pass. I have never been prouder of my dad as he chooses to stop treatment, whilst his brothers were against it and I supported my father’s decision he had full capacity to make the decision and he did. He asked for time with just me and for the first time in 6 years he held me, I sat next to him and he told me to rest my head on him, and he lifted his arm something he did rarely due to his condition but he stroked my hair, he was telling me things he had never said to me. One of them he couldn’t stop saying he was proud of me. I had grown up with a difficult hand dealt and he admitted he didn’t shape my life as much as he would have wanted too. My mum and her and my family did. One of the brothers gave me a compliment the one and only compliment I ever got, “I am a credit to him & he should be proud of me” which my dad said he was.
As he is stubborn he carried on and I knew it wouldn’t be till the following day he would pass, even though he was praying he didn’t. everyone went but I stayed with his POA and I sat with him talked to him, helped to cool him down as he was burning up. My dad’s old carer shaved him and the only aftershave we had was mine, for some reason I had my “Paul Smith- Men” in my bag. It’s the last aftershave he put on and he liked it.
Midnight came and it was just the 3 of us, the nurse and on duty doctor gave my dad some pain relief, which was strong enough to help him fall asleep so I stayed holding his hand. Those that know my dad he is a wind up merchant and loved to do it to me. The death rattle happening and then silence in the room, my dad stopped breathing, I was alone with my dad and burst into tears. Then he snored! I will admit I did hit the floor as he is the first person I have ever see pass on. He repeated this a few times, and then the final rattle, he was gone. My father the man who use to be able to pick me up when I fell over. The man who gave me the biggest hug after he found out I was gay. He was now free.
The hardest part for me wasn’t saying goodbye, I had to tell people. I worked my way through and called my dad’s brother and let him know. I was fine as I have said I am not close to my dad’s family by their choosing. I said the usual I am sorry for your loss. Forgetting at this point I had just lost my father. I was still in shock and due to the lack of emotional attachment to them I just wanted to get off the phone as soon as I could. I then had to call my mum, this is where it hit me, my dad was no longer here he was walking on to be welcomed into the skies above. Telling my mum was one of the single most difficult calls and conversations I had. I broke down telling my mum. After calling my mum, I thought of support for her but also for me, I called my godmother also my aunt to be there for my mum.
After making the calls I went back to see my dad, I didn’t want him to be alone. I sat there and walked over to him give him a kiss. It’s weird how fast a body can become cold, losing all the warmth especially after him burning up. I pulled the sheet over to give him some peace so he could sleep.
At 3am we left the hospital and made the long journey home. It was the weirdest journey home even after he past I didn’t cry I just laughed. The taxi back to my home town I was smiling and thinking it is finally over.
When I say that, I mean he no longer has to be reliant on anyone, my dad has/ was very independent and didn’t like to ask for help. He always had a lot of respect for himself and pride and every day his pride was being taken away the dignity he had was no more. Now he has that as he is walking and free of illness and was finally whole. No Matter what I will always love my dad and wish he was here but I am glad he doesn’t have to live the way he was.
I kept it quiet when I woke from a brief sleep, and begun to feel the pain and denial stage, making that call to my mum to see if it was just a dream I didn’t lose my father that morning. Alas it wasn’t a nightmare I had defiantly lost my father and was now in the new chapter of my life. I didn’t tell the world what had happened instead I told a few people, I cancelled my birthday with friends for the following week but told them. The messages began to fly in, about my loss but also my family’s loss. It took me a while to finally find the worlds to say. My last Facebook post about it was “00:54” nothing else I just left the status and any comments associated to it.
Every loss will change and shape our lives in some way, and it depends on who you are to how you deal with grief and you actually grieve some people will avoid the grieving process and fell they don’t need to or know how to. Each person will need to take those steps alone and in their own way, letting in people when they need to.
Four years have passed and each year it slowly gets a tiny bit easier and the memories get a slightly more distant from how it happened and pasted. Each day is the same, moments and memories come back and can bring different emotional moments. Reality for me is, my father actually passed when his accident happened, as he was no longer the big strong father I had. I turned into his carer and slowly seeing the guilt I had for what had happened but he also slowly losing who he was as every day passed.
For me a comment that was said above I am a credit to my father. I am but I am also a credit to my Mum, My Aunt & Cousin and those who are walking along beside us. Those that shaped my life I am who I am because of them. I am not like my dad’s family but I am the person he is proud of.
Sleep tight Dad.
22.01.1956 to 22.01.2012
Happy 60th Birthday Dad
He is ONE x
Sometime you have find the X laying in the sand to say it’s enough, I have finally found what I am looking for but also I have found what I am not looking for. At times that can be the hardest thing to say that it’s over. When you have hit your cross roads. That cross roads when you’re dealing with mental health can appear more than once as you could quite easily see what one door closing and another unknown.
Life is a crossroads, and many moments through the day it could quite simple be a decision that could cost and have an impact not just on your life but on others as well. When that happens it can sometimes be more extreme and difficult to manage and accept you have done something that has cost someone in some way. We all have an opportunity to make decisions and it’s a choice if you own the choice and be big enough for what has happened and say that is way it was and only try to make the right decision in the future. You can’t always be right even when those that pretend they are there not. As really deep down they are the most scared of being found to be making the wrong decision and wrong impression.
or an Ex in life happens we all suffer from having an ex in our lives it doesn’t have to be a relationship but it could be an ex friend, ex neighbour. They all mean something in some way, the ex of a relationship or friendship sometimes hurt and can be extremely difficult to recover from. As they have at one point been the center of your universe and now they aren’t instead they are on the outside of a very mysterious bubble that has taken over your life in some way and they and you are looking in from the outside on each-others bubble. This will hurt and be costly to you when you are recovering from what they once meant and the feeling off joy and happiness changes to anger, vengeance, hatred to some degree and many other emotions. They will always mean something to you especially at one stage in your life they were your life. They were there through your time of growth and enjoyment. Sadly, that door can close on the relationship at any time. It sometimes has a way of leaving the door on the latch and opening back up slowly. Same with a scar, it can reopen and you will re awaken part of the past either the good or the bad. It is about moving beyond the memory especially if it wasn’t a great one to something different and very much away from why they are an ex.
When you have depression and you go to cognitive behavioral therapy you learn about the types of thinking including the way a simple thought could be catastrophize to a massive problem and this can be so big the only escape could feel like the darkness. The way the colour within the world becomes very black and white with thinking and generalization becomes a big part of the dealing with a mental health illness. It will continue to multiply and grow and get bigger than it really is. Ed Sheeran has an album called “X” which I always thought was just the letter but it turns out to be multiply which is odd in way as do you really want to multiply everything and not just success but would you want to multiply the failures and the bad moments within your life or what feels like a failure. The one thing is negative thoughts aren’t exclusive to those with a mental health issue they are all inclusive we all have the ability to think negatively and see the world in two colours and sometimes miss that section in the middle of grey. Which can be as simple as a simple comment that you never really thought about how you said it but has just planted the seed of doubt or multiplying over the reality bad or good events happen to all of us, it’s just the way we handle and deal with the event makes them what they are.
When you have an illness no matter how big it seems to multiple and get bigger and bigger even when you have got treatment and try to get yourself better. There is always the possibility of relapse or it coming back and becoming bigger and much worst then before. Those who suffer from cancer a go into remission have to go back regularly for testing and could go 12 years’ cancer free and it comes back more evolved more developed more vicious than ever and it will take every single bit of the person’s energy to fight it off and defeat it. Not all cancers have a cure and some cancers don’t have to be a lump or a mass of cells rebelling against the body immunity. It could be a simple illness that is slowly killing off cells and who you once were or who you are going to become. It is an illness with no cure that has many treatments and therapies but it has a way of multiplying to such magnitude the battle sometimes can be lost even slightly.
When you have a repetitive event in your life it becomes part of the way you think and how much you can dread or enjoy an event. With most people they have a birthday that they will either celebrate or not depending on culture, and that day the day you were born is meant to be about you. As before that day however many years old you are you didn’t exist. Now you do it and in most counts you have helped improve someone’s life even slightly, it could just be family people’s life you have improved.
Well I have a birthday coming up in a number of days and it’s a milestone in my life, I will be 30 years old. Or as I like to call it chapter 30. For a number of years since I was 18 I have organized my birthday and in a way every year at my birthday it hasn’t been about me, it has been about someone else or those that get invited cancel, sometimes for valid reasons and some are questionable. For a number of years, I was with someone who is now my ex, he never organized anything for my birthday or even remembered to get me a birthday card. Something very simple that could mean a lot. I never got that, so have always had to be organized to sort something. My birthday has always been difficult as its middle of January and no many people can afford to come out mid-month as it’s that time of the year that is affected the most by Christmas. I usually try to organize something for the end of the month but for the past few years since I lost my dad I haven’t really celebrated as his birthday is also his anniversary but is a few days after my birthday. So for me a birthday night out could be something quite special as it takes my mind of what has happened and the fact I was always the forgotten kid growing up. Friends would forget and to be fair still happens when it comes to something that is about me. It’s all forgotten about, those moments your meant to feel important and special and for a number of years I have only been important to sign a cheque or for people to complain too due to bad customer service when I worked within retail. My one day I hope to be special doesn’t really happen anymore my family try and they help take my mind of life on my birthday but then there is the rest of the world. People know it’s my birthday by Facebook so I get people wishing me a happy birthday but do they know me really. No usually they say the usual but that’s it, and it can be lip service.
My life has been filled with no hopers or ex people within life that has had an impact. Part of me hard to rely or trust people as the way I have had to grow up much faster than some be mature not actually be my age, I have had to be older than most, and take on big challenges just to prove myself not usually to myself but to others. To make my mark on someone life not for being me, but to prove them wrong. Losing piece and part of my sanity and my identity well and truly being lost.
The X me is the typical well-mannered young man, believing in manners and knowing right from wrong even when I am ill. I still know what the difference is and now I see every decision magnified as it the past it has cost me and no it costs me so much more. As I am more aware some people can handle illness like this and also you do eventually get to a point where there are no more opportunities left. For me I am one of those people that never believe in myself or believe I am doing something right or if something goes wrong I blame myself. Even when I get a compliment about something I don’t believe they mean it or it’s because someone has told them to compliment me. Not just about work or general stuff in life if someone says I am handsome or compliments me I take it with the biggest pinch of salt ever.
This week I achieved something when I went for my cbt session at the doctors I have a check up on my recovery with a wellbeing self-assessment. My previous scores have been 10/7 to 4/7 to this weeks 3/3. The scores look at anxiety and mood, and the target for recovery is 7 or less. Which was my first achievement this week. To finally going back to where my depression went to the severity that I saw the darkness. Going into the house and being in the room which I hadn’t been in since August 30th. With this meant I had to go near my friend who I have been resistant from seeing since everything due to the manipulator as he cost me a lot. And he still is, as I saw a picture which woke up every emotion I went through that night where I isolated myself but was also isolated by others which I then started to considered every option and seeing only the darkness. Seeing that picture opened the wounds that saw the world smiling while at that same time I was being destroyed within my own body my own soul was fighting against what was going on within my own head my thoughts were ruling what was going to be the day. Where I was too scare to go near people or to be at home or to be anywhere near certain memory points. The re awakening and reminding that my life in September was simply explosive having to face the demons and the choices and avoiding find X on that treasure map where you really don’t want to find the treasure on that map instead you want it to be buried deep and far away from the world, so no one can find it and exploit the turmoil you suffered by your own hands but also by the hands of others. For my 30th I am going to try to celebrate and embrace my birthday with or without people around as it’s my time to be important and feel special and if others can’t I will do it myself as I stand on my own 2 feet. As I don’t live in anyone shadow. Some will say its only a picture and I am empowering the memory and the other factors within the memory, but it’s a constant reminder of what has happened. It’s a scar that isn’t visible to the world just to me.
2015, has brought tears and raw negative emotions. This is where I will be honest, I split from ex who was abusive emotionally, and whenever he got drunk he would always have arguments with me a few times at a bear event where we had a few arguments. In front of people who saw it weren’t happy the way he spoke to me. Then at my birthday events when I would visit him, yes I would visit him instead of him visiting me. Once that event ended I started to get close to someone who meant a lot to me. Just being supportive and guiding me. I got too close and it blew up in my face when he changed plans and never saw what I saw the same. Then people got involved and the walls started to close in around me surrounding every inch of my being. Depression began to suffocate who I am. I didn’t just get close to one person I was growing closer to two other friends. My birthday was car crash as it became about everyone else but me. Following a massive explosion, I decided to start counselling. I started to do counselling and never felt it really resolved the issue of my life exploding I had to try everything resistant against medication treatments.
I am ONE 