Alone

Every time you fall in love or fall for someone it can go two ways. You can fall in love and be happy or you can fall apart and no longer be seen as the person you once were.

“Being lonely and being alone are two different things. It’s always unhealthy to be lonely but sometimes it’s healthy to be alone.”

A heart can break and slowly die from being broken so many times. Every stich and scar trying to stay connected to the other muscle, beating less and less getting darker and more shriveled up as it can no longer feel emotion other than unhappiness. The muscle once strong and hardworking is now becoming smaller and tougher and less productive it is no longer the core of the being. It has been overworked and destroyed by emotions that are no longer helping.

A disease and illness depression can be destructive and cancerous it won’t let you escape from the clutches it will pretend and try to lure you into a false sense of security thinking you have defeated it. Then it sneaks up from behind and kicks you in the teeth. Add in other emotions such as love then you have a car crash waiting to happen. Where love will fog the mist even more. You think you can beat it with someone you love and they can help defeat it. Throughout the time second guessing If you are good enough for them. When will they leave me, when will they decide enough Is enough and they are moving on without you?”

The promise to yourself it the last time I will love someone and fall in love as it hurts too much. The body getting worn down and the mind in overdrive it has taken every bit of energy to just get out of bed, to wake up and think you have survived just for today. Today is a new fight and waking up is another fight. Opening your eyes, no longer hiding behind the curtains, laying there in bed feeling how empty the bed is and how empty you are feeling. It is no longer the way you were 6 months before. Having someone there who you were thinking about and they were thinking of you even for a moment. They have flown away as they decided it’s time the move on. The candle is no put out and they have relit if for someone else. While you remain unlit. Feeling more and more isolated especially when friends pick sides and forget how much you remember of hurting someone else, and it might have hurt them but then it has hurt you more as you have lashed out against someone you love and never forgive yourself over. The brain is now taken a beating and is hazier. The Heart is no longer the beating powerful core of you is still fighting and it is slowly struggling to get blood into the organ that people listen to over there mind.

Falling in love you go head over hills and the world around you disappears no longer isolated and alone you have hope and the moment of luck you have been waiting for that has been locked away. The emotions are no longer making you feel shy to stand out to the world that you finally have achieved what you never thought was possible. Making you braver to face the world holding someone hand and not ashamed to be that person who is there who can break through the stigma or and finally let in the warmth and the joy take over your body and soul. The way it washes away the past raw emotions of darkness and brings back pure light moments. You are free of the pain you once suffered briefly hidden behind the door that is locked and the key has been lost in the wash out to sea.

The sea brushing up against the cliffs eroding the cliffs and the flood defenses and the door locking away the fears and the darkness that was once very much walking with you not small but the shadow that was once translucent now darker more solid and the true you are crumbling from the flood against that locked door that is keeping everything in and away from the world.

Realizing the very second that door is opened the candle of two people is definitely blown out. Even when the two people may not be more than a friend love can come over us and when you see part of someone that you like and can see a future it can make you smile and scare you at the same time. The emotions of being loved and feeling you finally have someone who understands you.

Depression can bring up bigger and bolder cliffs that aren’t like the white cliffs of dover instead they are building thicker and stronger than plaque could do. They will make the walls up bigger and taller and overcome the sensible part of your mind. They have been silenced and all the other voices have got louder and more controlling than ever. Each fight of waking up the voices are no longer singular they are screaming at you through the multiple voices. They have slowly get louder as if the remote control has been grabbed and it has gone from 1 to 100 the second your brain is no longer occupied.

A dream is just a dream and no matter how much hope you have it doesn’t mean it will come true. My dream has slowly become a nightmare where my voices that were boxed away behind the locked door have been unleashed and they are very loud and very destructive. I wake during the night in the darkness feeling around the bed just me being alone. Remembering my trail of destruction behind me who I have hurt who I won’t move on from even though I want to and be free of this feeling in my stomach and over my body of fear that I missed out on   while the chance to finally be happy after my ex. Losing my self-worth and losing more of me to the illness. being reminded that I have hurt someone hurt me more as if not only I haven’t forgiven myself but others haven’t. Depression turns into a life sentence with the stigma attached you hurt someone you are the “criminal” even when the person has moved on but others around haven’t.

Day in day out I walk around acting as if I am ok, but reality is if someone blows strong enough I will break apart like dandelion, while my soul floats and flies over the world my body and heart fail and disintegrate before people’s eyes, never knowing when the final puff of air will take me away from this.

Love hurts more than being alone as it means you have someone inside your heart and it will explode and everything you look at will remind you of something about someone you love. I look around my home and see lots of items that remind me of love for people, and it hurts more knowing they have moved on.

I am…ALONE

 

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2 comments

  1. Sue · March 17, 2016

    We are all alone at some stage in our life, you must remember this and put things into prospective. When people move forward it is all part of life and to realise that this was part of your history but not your future. Your future has still to come and bring you the joy that we all seek in our life. It will come but in time. This was not your moment.

    To love and not have the same level of love returned hurts but we learn from this and yes, we close down and swear to ourselves that we will not be hurt like this again. We do withdraw from friends and family, this is how we hope to prevent being hurt again. But in reality it just exaggerates the pain. To be with friends and family enables you realise how much you are loved, true not in a ‘partnership’ sense, but to be wanted and loved for just being you.

    It is their loss. You have so much more to gain and in time you will see this. This is now you facing reality, yes it hurts but it is just a hiccup in your recovery. Onward and upwards and blow them that hurt you. You are you and will be loved for being that person. Be proud of what you have achieved in this year, their loss your gain.

    Stay strong xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Vanda · March 18, 2016

    Love hurts but love heals as well.
    You shouldn’t be afraid of loving!! It’s A long process and your heart will break a few times, But at the end it’s worth it.
    You don’t have to look for love. If it will find you.
    If darkness is surrounding you it will bring light & joy.
    It could go dark again because it wasn’t “The One”
    But don’t let that stop you from believing in your self!!
    You are kind, funny, generous, loving, creative, intelligent, great guy. And it’s the other persons privileged to have you in their life!
    Don’t look down on your self, l know it’s not easy, depression takes over everything. It makes you doubt your self and others it paints a dark black hole no end or beginning to it. I know because l have been there my self and with someone. You know me l have lots of stories to tell.
    However, you are strong l know that because you have come this far. Your achievements are huge and still with baby steps you can get stronger. I believe that one day you will look back and this will be a memory that you can live with but you have to believe it.
    You feel lonely for now but
    You are not alone! You have lots of people who care about you. You said people take sides whoever is not on yours ditch them, they don’t belong at your side. Keep the ones that show sincerity, the ones that go out of their way to help you, the ones that engorge you, make you laugh, make you feel good about yourself.
    You need positive in your life, nothing wrong with some negative, it makes you question things, don’t be afraid of being you. At the end my friend clouds will clear, maybe will get a little fogy but with sunshine it disappears, the path will be clear for the next chapter!
    I am with you…you are not Alone

    Liked by 1 person

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