Have you ever felt that the lights in the room are dimmed and just need the switch to be turned up to be brighter in the room? Yet nothing seems to brighter instead it is dull darker, as if you have gone back in time to a past you once forgot. A time you never wanted to go back too as it destroyed who you were and has been a battle suddenly rears their ugly head.

A room with one switch it can’t turn on it is stuck in off no matter how many times you replace the switch it just doesn’t work or want to turn on. Certain people will be the instigator of bringing out the past and reminding you of the past, and the way you felt back then. It isn’t about the way you are now and how much you have worked on developing your own defenses and coping mechanisms throughout the day. Trying to turn on the “LIGHT”

The way others have the ability to keep the switches and turn the mood with a click of their fingers as if they have the power to control the world. You could be secretly going through events and then suddenly you try to focus on the real world dilemmas like food, transport bills, etc. the demons that were once there seemingly have disappeared but they simmer behind the fascia that everything is “fine” when really everyone knows that “fine” doesn’t mean that you are fine.

“You’ve found yourself alone in a room
Total devastation
In the darkness you must enter the code
And crack the combination all on your own

Pick yourself up and search for the light
Hungry for a new start
It’s your chance now to stand up and fight
Take the next step now a day at a time

Open up, open up
Everybody’s waiting
From high above
Feel the love
Open up your windows

Let in the sun
Let in the sun
Let in the sun
Just let in the sun

Good to see you with your feet on the track
Waiting for a restart
Leaving all that once what was holding you back
Want you to see the sun rise as fast as you can

Pick it up, turn it round
Want you to see the sun rise as fast as you can

Open up, open up
Everybody’s waiting
From high above
Feel the love
Open up your windows

Let in the sun
Let in the sun
Let in the sun
Just let in the sun

Feel the air and breathe it in
Feel the warmth upon your skin
Looking out and looking in
Oooh
Every colour in your eyes
In reflection of the light
Every minute, every night

Open up, open up
Everybody’s waiting
From high above
Feel the love
Open up your windows

Let in the sun
Let in the sun
Let in the sun
Let in the sun
Just let in the sun
Oh let in the sun, let in the sun
Let in the sun”

 

A year has gone and past and I have grown and I have had to let in light to what is my life. Last year I saw take that with a friend and this was one of the songs that stood out for me. How the darkness can be eclipsed by the light the sun throws out, the height of how you stand and fight through the darker more difficult times and how it takes far more overcome the basic fight of what started this spiral off.

Influences from other who know the story of what has happened and how certain events can trigger memories. Not just the reason why I was off, but also the fact they forget certain mannerisms and ability to knock my confidence to the point it sends me spiraling back to march 2015. It takes a lot for me to go back and fight and be able bounce back and try and appear as if it hasn’t fazed me instead inside I am becoming more isolated and more alone. Some people won’t see why I am stepping away from people and less willing to do certain things, with fear it will be taken off or I am made to feel more incompetent and stupid. Knocking my confidence, it has gone from being 100% to 3% in seconds.

The past month has seen lots of changes for me. I have started to see someone and have started the roll out of introducing him to others within in my life. I have been able to comfortable remain calm within difficult situations until recently. A piece of my work has been taken beyond draft form into an official piece of work that is going be used across the entire organization. I have managed to speak politely to a man who wanted to bad mouth me to my new boyfriend. Also this week I have a goal that is a big event I will be going to with 3 people from pride. This is going to be my first big night since august. I have been out in Canal street a few times but I haven’t been out like this. Also having to fight my demons to the point where I stop trusting people but also my instincts. On my birthday I got rid of a highly toxic person from my life for the better as he is, keen to argue with me on my 30^th birthday. From that he spread nasty vindictive comments to my boyfriend acting as if he is unable to understand why he has been ousted from my life. There was a clear reason why I removed him from my life, that the man was removed. Whilst he goes around damaging other’s lives but he has tried to destroy mine. While he has always been a victim and never the culprit he has damaged every bridge going.

It takes a lot to come back from depression and even hard to maintain the confidence to be me a feel like I should be. Trying to feel happy and actually be happy. When others cloud the light and make it darker in the room is it there right to or not? For me I always feel those that feel they have a right to anything instead of earning it and have to knock others confidence is just scared and intimidated about what is someone else qualities. No one has a right to knock or deter someone confidence of ability.  This isn’t about making people wanted to remain in the relationship with them. Instead people would want to leave them.

I am reliving the past but I will bounce back.

Alex